6:07:02 a.m. – We begin the program today with the I-Man discussing his ‘John Batchelor Question’, the one he plans to ask Senator John Kerry tomorrow, and how Mr. Batchelor, apparently, is unaware of all the ‘juice’ his radio program is getting these past few days with us. That’s probably because Mr. Batchelor is usually asleep on the Mother Ship, as the ‘Space Visitors’ wear him out all night with their onboard testing and experiments.
6:29:28 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Bernard plays a clip of Shep Smith, interviewing a Children’s Health expert, who reports that poor diet and a sedentary lifestyle can cause high cholesterol and obesity in kids. Shep makes the control room run the ‘Breaking News’ graphic and treats the story, and the guest, mockingly, with disdain. The I-Man comments on how Shep is starting “To act like me.” Well, not really. The I-Man would only treat a guest with disdain if they were an a**hole, and Shep hasn’t resorted to wearing a Cowboy Hat. Yet.
“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT, FATSO?”
6:38a.m. – Fox News’ Political Strategist, Kirsten Powers is on, reminding us, yet again, why they call it ‘Fox’ News. Imus notices that at number one on her ‘Five Favorite Songs’ list, is Bobby Darin’s ‘Mack the Knife’. He says it “Jumps Out” as it’s a “Pretty Old Song”. Which is something, coming from a man who played the Aeolian Chant when it was a hit.
“HEY, GUYS? GUESS WHAT? IMUS IS ‘TRACKING’ OUR LATEST RECORD”
6:48a.m. – Back in the Green Room, we notice a headline on Huff Post: William Staub, the Developer of the Home Treadmill has died at 96. Tony asks Rob: “What did he die of?” Rob: “From being 96.” That’s a long time to be on the treadmill, kids. If the I-Man keeps up his record, he’s got more than 8,760 days to go.
R.I.P.: 6 M.P.H.
7:17:37 a.m. – The I-Man with some of his I-Wisdom. “Don’t take Acid, kids.” he warns; Sage Advice from the Old Cowboy. Really? You make it sound so much fun with all those stories about tripping with Captain Beefheart and Frank Zappa back at KUTY in Palmdale, listening to ‘Music From Big Pink’. Good times.
WOULD YOU DO LSD WITH THESE GUYS?
7:40:18 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’. Or, as we like to call it in the Green Room, ‘A Coupla Hot Chicks Sitting Around Shrieking’…or, more often than not, ‘The Bathroom Break’. They get pretty heated over Mayor Bloomberg’s proposed ‘Soda Ban’. We think they should both just relax and cool off with an Icy Cold 32 Ounce Coke.
FOR 25 CENTS MORE, YOU CAN UPGRADE THIS SIZE TO A ‘LARGE’
8:03:12 a.m. – Local News Break: Connell throws to Scott Salotto, who has a story about the funeral of New York Culinary Icon and Harlem Legend, the Queen of Soul Food, Sylvia Woods, of ‘Sylvia’s’. Scott reports that she started off by serving Southern Style Fare, including ribs, chicken and ‘Colored Greens’. We think he means ‘Collard Greens’, because they would be, of course, ‘colored green.’ Because, Greens are…well, green.
“SPARERIBS ARE RED, COLLARDS ARE GREEN,
THESE ARE THE STAPLES OF SOUTHERN CUISINE”
8:05: a.m. – The Boss is looking particularly ‘Hunky’ today in his Straw Cowboy Hat.
“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT, FATSO?”
8:28:24 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Mike Tyson, while promoting his upcoming, Spike Lee Directed, One Man Show on Broadway, is asked if he is ‘A mysogynist.’ He replies… “No…maybe you’re right. But…there are a lot of women crying at the show” Probably from the strong scent of ‘Mace’ in the air. Of course, he’s a mysogynist. But then again, who DOESN’T enjoy a ‘Massage’?
8:30 a.m. – Imus, responding to the aforementioned Shep Smith clip: “He’s looking pretty good now, for awhile he was kinda gaunt…” Really? Seriously? You think Shep Smith looks ‘gaunt’? COMPARED TO WHAT?
I-MAN, C’MON…HAVE A SANDWICH
8:43:22 a.m. – Imus asks Bob Beckel, the 830 Guest, how his Personal Life is going. Not well, according to Mr. Beckel, whose Dance Card, apparently, is WIDE open. The I-Man suggests Tamara Holder as a possible dating prospect. Beckel informs us that his bosses here at Fox will not allow him to date any employees…although, we would pay good money to see that pairing. Bob at Roy Rogers, eating the left side of the menu, while Tamara does headstands at the ‘Fixin’s Bar’. That’s a country song waiting to happen. Check that…it’s a country ALBUM waiting to happen.
“LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE? OR THE BEGINNING OF A STEPHEN KING NOVEL?”
9:05:34 a.m. – Imus: “Do we have any Emails, Carley?” “None that you’d be interested in.” she replies, “Just a bunch of people wishing you ‘Happy Birthday’ and wishing you well…” Sycophants. Although, he did admit earlier that he does get irritated when he’s out in public and it appears that nobody recognizes him. Oh, they DO recognize him, alright…which is the main reason why they don’t come up to him to let him know that they do. We spend most of our mornings avoiding eye contact ourselves.
9:07:18 a.m. – Imus talks about the annoying Doctors and Nurses who volunteer at the Ranch. “Don’t talk to me, don’t ask me how I’m doing, unless you’re writing me some scrip, in which case, we can go down to Plaza Drug. Plaza Drug is GREAT! They have real soda fountain. It’s like going back to the 50’s.” Tony says: “Well, in that case, I won’t be joining you…I’d have to sit at the other end of the counter.”
‘THE KING’ AT THE PLAZA DRUG, CIRCA 1957
9:11:12 a.m. – During her Business News hit, Dagen reports that, according to a new J.D. Powers and Associates survey, Americans are widely dissatisfied with the service they receive at this nation’s hotels and motels. The I-Man shares a story about one particular place in Conroe, Texas they stayed at, where, apparently, Wyatt saw an “AFR”: An “Accidental Fecal Release”…which, is not all that an unusual occurrence in the Imus Household, especially in the Boss’ bedroom.
BOY, WE SURE HOPE THAT’S JUST A BABY RUTH
AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT:
THE VIDEO OF THE DAY:
THE WORLD’S GREATEST PRANK…EVER!