;)
Tragedy...Plus Time...Equals Comedy
Thursday, July 19, 2012 6:14 a.m. – Dagen reports on Lay’s Potato Chips contest to find a new flavor. In Poland, apparently, they have come up with a ‘Sausage Potato Chip’. To which the I-Man responds… “A Big ol’ Sausage Chip sounds great!” Right. And we bet you can’t eat just one, can you?
STARE DIRECTLY AT THE CENTER AND REPEAT THE FOLLOWING:
“I WANT TO EAT THIS…I WANT TO EAT THIS”
6:26 a.m. – Bernard promos the ‘Bernie Briefing’, a story in which a woman in a wheelchair takes a tumble down an escalator, which, he says, “Is actually funny.” Imus: “Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s a scream.” Well, you know the I-Philosophy. Everybody thinks it’s funny until it’s about them.
6:29:17 a.m. – Bernie plays the aforementioned clip. He’s right. That s*** is funny, yo.
“TRAGEDY…PLUS TIME…EQUALS COMEDY”
(BUT THIS WAS FUNNY 2 SECONDS AFTER IT HAPPENED)
6:31:19 a.m. – There is much talk about disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner…the tabloids have been having a field day speculating on whether or not he will run for another political office. The Front Page of the Post has a photo of him with his baby son accompanied by the caption, “Weiner Shows Off His Little One.” Drudge has a link that suggests he will not run: “Weiner Pulls Out.” Imus: “I be loving me some Weiner.” We’re sure you do. You can hunker down on one and have a Big Ol’ Sausage Chip for a chaser.
THE CONGRESSMAN RELAXES AT HOME
6:38a.m. – Stuart Varney is the guest. This man has become somewhat of a regular on the program, in the ‘Power Rotation.’ Imus maintains that Stuart is also “A man who loves him some Weiner.” We have suspected as much in the past. However, we are happy to report, that is not the case. Being from Britain, he refers to them as ‘Bangers’. And, from all accounts, apparently he’s packing quite a significantly sized one himself.
“DID YEWWW KNOWWW, THAT WHEN I STAND NAKED ON THE BEACH,
I CAN TELL TIME OFF MY SHADOW?”
7:05:17 a.m. – The I-Man informs us that Carley has thrown him ‘Under the Bus’ with the Sales Manager at WABC, The Right Reverend Jonathan Mason. They way Carley tells it, Imus is refusing to cut live spots for the station. Imus says he would gladly do so, but he can’t breathe…obviously, as he has the Cross-town Express on his chest. This is uncharacteristically disloyal of Carley, who seems to only be concerned with how she looks on camera, while the Old Cowboy suffers at nearly 7000 feet above Sea Level…while seemingly is only concerned with how HE looks on camera.
IF WE WERE HIM, WE’D BE CONCERNED TOO
(PHOTO OF I-MAN LOOKALIKE AT ‘IMUS-CON’ IN SAN DIEGO)
7:16:18 a.m. – Dagen comments on NBC’s being hell-bent to let ‘The Today Show’ “Die on the Vine.” She mentions how much she admired Meredith Viera. “She was real, she was down to earth, she was earthy.” Imus on Meredith Viera: (Well, not actually ON Meredith Viera) “Nah nah nah, Earth Mama.” Apparently, BOTH Imus and Dagen would definitely ‘Hit that.’
UM…WE’D DEFINITELY ‘HIT THAT’ TOO
7:37:12 a.m. – David Kirby, Author of Death at Sea World, is on, discussing the Killer Whale Tillikum, who lived up to this name and actually DID kill his trainer. Apparently, Tilly was tired and sick at the time of the unfortunate incident. “When you’re sick and you’re tired and somebody’s forcing you to do something you don’t want to do…you get cranky.” Who knew the I-Man and a Killer Whale actually had something in common.
THE I-MAN IN A RARE PUBLICITY PHOTO FOR 66 WNBC RADIO:
IS THAT A KILLER WHALE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
8:05 a.m. – Imus: “Memo to the Doctors and Nurses at the Ranch…you’re here to take care of the children, not to ask me how I feel…or tell me I’m using my inhaler wrong…or butt in on conversations that have nothing to do with you. I don’t want your help…or your stupid suggestions. Just. Shut. Up. Shut up! SHUT THE F*** UP!” Um…what exactly are you driving at here, Boss? Don’t hold back, tell them how you really feel.
WHAT THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBED
FOR THE OLD COWBOY WHO CAN’T BREATHE AT 7000 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL
8:15:47 a.m. – The I-Man accuses Dagen of “Lacking enthusiasm and energy” during her Business News hit. However, at the time, she was reading a story about the devastating effects of the Nation-Wide Drought taking its toll on the Agricultural industry. She is showing the appropriate concern: Hot Cows don’t make milk. (Although the milk they DO provide makes a lovely Cappuccino.)
A “HOT” COW
8:35:14 a.m. – “Bernie and the Brit”, Bernard and Imogen Lloyd-Weber: The Agony and the Ecstasy. With that adorable accent of hers, she could read the phone book and we would still listen to her. But we’d be just as content to turn the sound down and worship her through the flatscreen. Bernard, on the other hand…well, we’re glad he’s funny. Because sitting next to her, we wouldn’t even notice he was on the program.
WE LOVE BERNIE,
BUT WE CAN GUARANTEE YOU HE DOESN’T LOOK AS GOOD IN A BLUE CHIFFON GOWN
9:05 a.m. – Imus interrupts Connell’s News Report, in which he is reading the list of Emmy Nominees: “You’re blowing off the world blowing up to tell us which phony, self-absorbed, Hollywood Cocaine Addict got an Emmy nomination?” Connell mentions that, during the break, he consulted with Bigfoot about acknowledging the list before getting into the serious news, an allegation that Bigfoot, in full ‘Carley Shimkus Mode’, vehemently denies. Connell now has firsthand experience at what Imus was looking at from under the Greyhound. Bus Brothers From Different Mothers.
“HEY, CONNELL? ASK THE I-MAN IF HE NEEDS ANYTHING UNDER THERE.”
9:17:34 a.m. – Warner tells a disturbing story about Pittsburgh Steeler Star Safety “Troy Palamula” who suffered at least 8 concussions during the previous season and lied about them to get back in the game. Um… Warner? It’s Troy Polamalu. We didn’t know that Warner himself had 8 concussions last season …And that he also lied about them to get back in the game. Either that, or he just started in a little early on the Box of Wine.
NO WONDER HE HAS HAD SO MANY CONCUSSIONS
HOW THE HELL DO YOU PUT A HELMET ON OVER THAT?
9:18:54 a.m. – Imus promos the replay of his earlier interview of Stuart Varney on the radio, as well as Mr. Varney’s own program on The Fox Business Network. He refers to him as ‘The Lying Limey.’ When we take umbrage with the gratuitous slam at Stuart for Alliteration’s Sake, the I-Man ups the ante: “That Lice-Infested, Lying Limey Loser.” Patently untrue. He’s not a liar.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
CHARLIE MURPHY’S ‘TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES’
PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH PRINCE
