;)
The Calfinator
Wednesday, July 18, 2012 6:17 a.m. – Rob is ‘Fat Elvis’ today. He is a true professional, a real trouper, as it’s 4000 degrees outside and the fat bastard is wearing a Leather Jacket and a Scarf. He’s willing to suffer for his art…when he does his bit…then it will be your turn.
6:21 a.m. – Warner reports that Dez Bryant, Wide Receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, has been arrested for punching his Mother in the face. Although he is 23, and his Moms is 38, (and not like, 88, which would be an entirely different thing altogether) it’s still not right. But Mrs. Bryant should’ve gone Medieval on his ass. The only time you should slap your Mama is if you eat a Pecan Pie that’s better than the one she baked.
WOULD YOU HIT THIS WOMAN? NO. SHE WILL SLAP HE TASTE RIGHT OUT YOUR MOUTH
6:40:17 a.m. – Republican Consultant and Strategist, Noelle Nikpour, is the guest. She looks like The Queen of Sheba, sounds like Reba, and she gives us… ‘Da Fever’. This is the PERFECT woman.
THE ORIGINAL HOME PAGE FOR NOELLE’S WEBSITE. THEY TOOK IT DOWN.
AND YET JAMES CARVILLE’S SITE IS STILL UP
THUMBNAIL OF JAMES CARVILLE’S HOMEPAGE
STILL OUT THERE, IN CYBERSPACE, TERRORIZING SMALL CHILDREN
7:11:12 a.m. – Bigfoot runs footage of Cattle Roping Prodigy, 14 year old Wyatt “The Calfinator” Imus. Unfortunately, it is, according to Imus, the LEAST flattering of all the runs Wyatt made on that particular day. We are unable to make the distinction… bottom line, it’s like a 75 Yard Field Goal that goes through after it nicks the Upright. It’s STILL a f***ing 60 Yard Field Goal. The Wy-Man is MAD impressive with his roping skillz. Someday he will use those skillz as a public service…by fashioning the rope into a noose…
7:17 a.m. – The I-Man mentions that he had to go to sleep before the Knicks deadline to sign Jeremy Lin, which was 11:59 P.M., “One minute before ‘Wilson Pickett Time”. Which is more like Eastern Standard Time, than ‘Hammer Time’, which is very close to ‘Twilight Time’. Or ‘Finger Poppin’ Time’…especially if you use the shadow of your middle finger like a sundial… at the man wearing the Parachute Pants.
WHAT TIME IS IT? WHATEVER TIME IT IS…IT’S OVER
“YEAHHHH , BOYYYYY! HAMMER, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!
FIFTEEN MINUTES IS UP!
7:37 a.m. – Deirdre Imus, the ‘I-Woman’, is in studio for this week’s ‘Blonde on Blonde’. She is wearing a Blue Tank Top that reveals…well, just about everything that makes her a woman. You can almost tell if she has an ‘Innie’ or an ‘Outie’. We haven’t heard a damn word she’s said during the entire segment. As near as we can figure, it was ‘Blah blah blah blah blah tank top blah blah blah blah.’ That’s a good lookin’ woman. Why couldn’t she have used Noelle Nikpour’s photographer for the D.I. Enviro homepage?
Dienviro.com: WHERE’S THE F***ING TANK TOP?
8:06:14 a.m. – On today’s edition of ‘A Coupla White Guys Talkin’ Sports’, Warner and the I-Man discuss the Tour de France. Warner mentions that yesterday was ‘Doping Day’, and today they’re in the mountains. Imus says “I think they’re riding in the Pyrenees, aren’t they?” No, you idiot, they’re at the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop off the New Jersey Turnpike. Of course it’s the Pyrenees. They’re in France. It’s either the Pyrenees or the Alps. If they’re anywhere near the Himalayas, they made a wrong turn at the Sherpa.
BRADLEY WIGGINS TAKES A COMMANDING LEAD IN THE TOUR DE FRANCE
8:19 a.m. – Warner: “I-Man, where were you 58 Years Ago Today?” We think he was celebrating his 30th Birthday, and getting a free breakfast at Denny’s with his new A.A.R.P. card. Warner says, “On this date in 1954, the Brooklyn Dodgers had more African Americans playing at one time than any other team.” Tony: “Let me get this straight, Warner. You’re telling me the Dodgers had more African Americans in the field? I’m glad they f***ing left to go to L.A. “ Tony clearly misunderstands the statement.
“WAIT A SECOND…IS THIS JERSEY MADE OF…COTTON?”
8:35 a.m. – Here come da Judge…Her come da Judge… Judge Jeanine Piro, that is. The woman makes us want to plead guilty. Bang your gavel, baby. I been a very very bad boy. I think I need to be…penalized.
THIS IS WHAT’S UNDER THAT ROBE. WE PLEAD GUILTY AS CHARGED. NAH NAH NAH!
8:45a.m. – Judge Piro relates a story about her pig, Wilbur, who ‘Recently died at 19 years old’, back in December. Although December doesn’t really count as ‘Recently’, they technically just finished what was left of him yesterday at breakfast. “Wilbur…we hardly knew ye…but you were damn tasty.”
“WILBUR” 1992-2011: THE ‘OTHER’ WHITE MEAT.
(IT’S WHAT WAS FOR DINNER)
9:05 a.m. – More footage of Rodeo Wunderkind, the Wy-Man. Damn! This kid is F***ing Amazing! Imus: “That kid can rope! If you can’t rope, you can’t do rodeo.” We totally get that. Not knowing how to rope would certainly get in the way of being a ‘roper’. Just like not knowing how to ride a bike would hinder your chances of winning the Tour De France, whether you’re doping or not.
9:13 a.m. – Connell reports the story of the 71 year old man who foiled a robbery attempt at an Internet Café in Florida. One wonders what kind of ‘score’ can be made at an ‘Internet Café’… a bunch of mouth breathers playing ‘Farmville’ and printing out Plane Tickets are hardly the type that carry large amounts of cash on them. Still, Pops fired a few shots, wounding the two dumbest criminals on the face of the earth.
GO AHEAD…MAKE MY DAY.
(AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, CLICK ‘LIKE’ ON THE TAMPA SURGICAL SUPPLY FACEBOOK PAGE, WOULDJA? SEE YOU AT THE EARLY BIRD SPECIAL MUTHAF***AS! )
THE VIDEO OF THE DAY:
ONE OF THE FUNNIEST LADIES ON THE PLANET,
WANDA SYKES 
