6:06 a.m. – Today the I-Man celebrates a milestone: 25 years of sobriety, which is 9,125 days, or 219,000 hours, or 13,140,000 minutes, or 788,400,000 seconds. Which is about as long as it feels when he starts bitching about how tired he is.
6:07:17 a.m. – Every year, Rob sends the Boss an AA coin to mark another year of sobriety, and this year was no exception. As you can imagine, as sobriety is not generally marked by very much long term success…the larger numbers are more difficult to procure, so, naturally, Imus lost the mother f*****. Now Fatso has to scour New York for a replacement. He should’ve just sent the Idiot Cowboy a bottle of champagne.
THE COIN ROB GAVE THE I-MAN
(IF IT’S FROM ROB, SHOULDN’T IT BE XXL?)
6:30a.m. – Bernie Briefing: B plays three clips from the late night comics, Jon Stewart, followed by Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon. Jon, Jay and Jimmy…three ‘J’s…but clearly, “One of these things…is not like the other.”
FUTURE KENNEDY CENTER NOMINEE, FUTURE MIDDLE ACT AT ‘YUK YUKS’
AND FUTURE INSURANCE SALESMAN
7:05:17 a.m. – Imus: “Old Gringo makes GREAT cowboy boots…they’re not cowboy boots that you can ride a horse with…” Bigfoot then puts up a picture of a pair. The I-man is right. These are not boots you could ride a horse with…although we’re pretty sure somebody wearing them would actually have use for a riding crop…as somebody would DEFINITELY be ‘ridden’.
YOU WOULDN’T ‘RIDE THE RANGE’ IN THESE…
BUT YOU MIGHT WEAR THEM ON ‘DALE EVANS NIGHT’ AT THE RAMROD
7:11:12 a.m. – The I-Man does a ‘Roll Call’ like we’re on Romper Room: “I see Carley, Action, Nat…Lou, Bernie, Connell…” and then, just like on Romper Room, he promptly takes a nap.
7:17 a.m. – “I can’t find my 25 year coin…maybe it’s a sign. I might as well get in my truck and drive over to ‘Dick’s Liquors’. “
THIS, APPARENTLY, IS ‘THE’ DICK LIQUORS. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
(UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU PATRONIZE ‘BUTT LIQUORS’)
7:35 a.m. – Dr. Walid Phares is the guest. Going into the break, the I-man plays one of the Doc’s ‘Five Favorite Songs’: ‘Sweet Home Alabama’. Uh huh. We’re pretty sure he doesn’t have a home in Alabama. And we DEFINITELY don’t think they’d make him feel AT home in Alabama. But it could be worse. He could like ‘Jethro Tull’.
IS THIS THE FACE OF A SKYNYRD FAN?
(HE’S REALLY MORE OF A ZZ TOP KINDA GUY)
7:53 a.m. – Imus: “I just got a compliment from Warner”. Mr. Wolf then goes into effusive praise of the Walid Phares interview. He goes on and on and on. “He must want something”, Imus surmises. We don’t think so…we just believe Warner is laboring under the impression that the I-Man just interviewed Wally Cox. Warner’s a little confused, but it’s only because he’s the most senior member of the staff. Here’s how ‘Senior’…one of his Five Favorite Songs is ‘Greensleeves’. He played it when it was a hit.
8:01:14 a.m. – Connell, during his local news hit, does a story about Kerry Kennedy’s car accident last week. (Jesus, doesn’t anybody in this f***ing family know how to drive?) Ms Kennedy claims that an Ambien she had taken caused the crash. The police think differently. We could be wrong, but NO Kennedy should be permitted to get behind the wheel of anything. They shouldn’t even be allowed to play Wheel of fortune.
DON’T WORRY, MR. KENNEDY, WE CAN BUFF THAT RIGHT OUT
8:05 a.m. – In today’s “Old People Talking Sports” Warner does a story about Denver Broncos’ star Defensive End, Elvis Dumervil, who has been charged with menacing during a road rage incident. Warner refers to Dumervil as a defensive tight end. Uh Warner, there’s no such position. There may be a guy in prison playing it, but not in the NFL. Later on in the report Warner talks about riders in the Tour de France having a day off…which Imus suggests is because it’s probably their ‘doping day’, and time to spend in their “Hyperbolic chambers”. We think he means “HyperBARIC Chambers”, although he could just be referring to a really really big, really expensive, fully loaded, way over the top, baroque – style chamber.
THIS ‘HYPERBOLIC CHAMBER’ COMES WITH A CAR ELEVATOR AND 24 HOUR CONCIERGE
8:27:33a.m- During the Bernie Briefing Bernard mentions that Sarah Palin hasn’t been invited to The Republican National Convention. Imus: “She’s a moron. Well she’s not a moron …she just plays one in life.” Thanks for clearing that up. For a minute there we thought that you were suggesting that The Governor wouldn’t be bringing the potato salad, OR the Moose Stew to the Anchorage Mensa picnic.
SPORTSCASTER, MAYOR, HOCKEY MOM, GOVERNOR,
FORMER VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE,
AND NOW, FOR HER MOST CHALLENGING ROLE: MORON IN LIFE.
8:35 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is the guest. Imus says that he and Bernie LOVE Laura, but they’re not the only ones. We ALL love Laura. And, honestly, what’s not to like? She’s funny, a ‘Snappy Dish’, and has been known to stick a garden hose in her ex-boyfriend’s ground floor apartment window and flood him out after he broke up with her. We LOVE Laura Ingraham. We are deathly afraid of her…but we LOVE her, just the same.
LAURA INGRAHAM: A ‘PASSIONATE’ LADY…
WHO SCARES THE HELL OUT OF US
8:55a.m. – Imus reads an e-mail from a gentleman by the name of “Ted Sticky”, who says “Dagen is looking good in white” We hope that Sticky is Ted’s last name and not his current state of being, or for that matter, Anthony Weiner’s latest Screen Name. We suspect that “Mr. Sticky” watches with the sound off
9:14 a.m. – Connell reads a heartwarming story about a bus driver’s turn at Good Samaritan, saving a girl from tragedy as he catches her in his arms after she falls 3 stories.. It’s a miracle. Imus: “As Connell eats up our time with stories that tug at our hearts here’s Dagen with stories that will tug…somewhere else.” Where exactly? Our sleeves, our emotions? Our….say what?....Ohhhhhh I see. Ted Sticky must be happy then.
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
CLASSIC STANDUP FROM A ‘PRE-DAILY SHOW’ JON STEWART, CIRCA 1996