6:05:11 a.m. – It’s Friday the 13th. We look forward to this day whenever it comes, in hopes that the homicidal maniac who hosts the program will wear a hockey mask to celebrate.
“IT’S FIVE MINUTES PAST THE HOUR…COMING UP,
BUZZ BISSINGER, JACK MCCALLUM AND CRAIG CRAWFORD”
6:15 a.m. – Connell reports that, according to Drudge, Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is at the top of the list of potential running mates for Mitt Romney’s Campaign for President. Imus is in favor of the choice as “The Girl can play some piano.” We assume the I-Man was also a big fan of Harry Truman.
“GIVE ‘EM HELL HARRY”: UM…IS HE LOOKING UP LAUREN BACALL’S DRESS?
6:19:17 a.m. – Warner weighs in on the Ralph Lauren designed U.S. Olympic Team’s uniforms, being made in China: “If you had Ralph Lauren avoiding the Guangdong Sweatshops…YOU LOST!”
“GOD BLESS HEILONJIANG…LAND THAT I LOVE”
6:38a.m. – Buzz Bissinger avoids Imus’ attempt to derail his interview with ‘nonsense’ and steers the conversation back to what he was on to discuss: the new report that reveals the entire Athletic Department of Penn State was aware of Jerry Sandusky’s abhorrently heinous predatory behavior. We hope the Coach from ‘Penn State’ enjoys his time at the ‘State Pen’…although we can pretty much guarantee he won’t spend as much time in the showers there as he did back at school.
7:02:13 a.m. – WABC News Reporter, Scott Solatto reports on the bomb scare on the plane from JFK to Spain. Imus: “Hey Scott, whenever a plane crashes…I feel happy because you never hear of two plane crashes in a row. How about you?” Scott offers that he ‘Loves to fly.’ I-Man is irritated that Scott does not answer the question. But at least he’s happy about the potential of a plane crash in Madrid. That’s his gift: Taking a tragedy and finding a ray of sunshine inside…had he been in New Jersey when the Hindenberg exploded he would’ve been a real Debbie Boone.
7:05:17 a.m. – Dagen is looking forward to the Jamie Dimon Press Conference this morning. Girl got the vapors just thinking about it. We hope someone has alerted Mr. Dimon to Dagen’s ‘Fondness’ for him. We smell a cross country trip wearing adult diapers in her future.
7:18:18 a.m. – Warner, discussing the 1992 U.S.A. Olympic Basketball Dream Team, and the players of that teams allegations that they could beat the players on the 2012 Dream Team: “I don’t think the ’92 Team could do it, I-Man…Magic is 53, Bird is 57, Jordan is 49…”
THE ’92 TEAM MIGHT HAVE A SHOT AFTER ALL, LEBRON IS LIKE, 79 YEARS OLD
7:36:12 a.m. – Author Jack McCallum makes a mistake: “You can buy it…but I know you won’t read it.” questioning the I-Man’s commitment to reading his book. The Boss goes on a tirade about how, unlike most people, when he says he’s going to do something, he actually does it. We know that to be true, because, just last week, he said he wasn’t going to say anything to hurt anybody’s feelings anymore and…um…well, maybe that’s not a good example. He WILL read the stupid book, though. And does so during the program.
8:05 a.m. – Imus: “I’m sick of the ‘My Pillow’. Because I sleep through the night. And I like waking up around 12 and seeing that I have around two to three hours left to sleep. That’s a great feeling.” Bernie: “That’s one of the few great feelings you get in bed.” One could argue the same holds true for Deirdre.
8:07 a.m. – Imus mentions that he sent Wyatt a text, ordering a ‘Cheese Sandwich ASAP’, and proudly talks about Wyatt’s Rodeo prowess, as trained by Joe Beaver. “Eight Time World Champion”, Warner chimes in…he’s been trained well. The almost Pavlovian response to the mere mention of Beaver’s name is evidence that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. Of course, he also says it every time somebody mentions Jerry Mathers, but we’re just nitpicking.
THIS BEAVER WAS NOT AN EIGHT TIME WORLD CHAMPION
8:35 a.m. – Craig Crawford is on, and begins a heated debate with the I-Man about Obama’s being a ‘No-Show’ at the NAACP Convention, leaving African American Icon, Joe Biden, to address them instead. The conversation leads to the following statement: “Bill Clinton was more of a black president than Obama.” Tony: “What the f***? Oh no, you di-int. I been black for a LONG time, and I’m pretty sure Obama wins that contest hands down. Hands up, they both look the same.”
PALMS FORWARD, BUBBA COULD PASS FOR BLACK, WE GUESS
8:45a.m. – Imus gives Crawford a hard time about Craig’s upcoming appearance on Eliot Spitzer’s program on the Cable Access Network Current TV…which is ‘Current’ only because it, actually RUNS on it. Every time Craig attempts to mention it, I-man does the “Schoolyard Finger In The Ears, La la la la la la” treatment to try and block it out…much the same way we do when he starts talking about how he’s feeling.
9:05 a.m. – Imus accuses Warner of being a ‘Happiness Vampire’: “Every time you turn your mike on, you suck the joy out of my life.” Now he knows how the rest of America feels. There is no joy in Imus-Ville…but that’s the trademark from which he’s built a cottage industry. He’s not happy until you’re not happy. At this point, he’s got to be one blissful Motherf***er.
9:11:12 a.m. – Connell reads a story about 200 people being killed in some horrible train accident, as the I-Man, (on camera, unbeknownst to him) silently reads from McCallum’s book Dream Team. The image causes Bernie to chuckle, which, on the radio, sounds like he’s laughing at the tragedy. It’s reminiscent of the time, years ago, when Imus, completely self-absorbed in the bubble that is his existence, followed a headline report of a similar tragedy, to which he responded, “I will be taking a golf lesson today…” Sadly, even when Imus ISN’T doing something wrong…he’s doing something wrong. Bernie is clearly a ‘Hater’ who just wants to get the I-Man in trouble for appearing callous and ‘out of it’, which, is pretty much how he is during most of the program, so why he chose this particular moment is beyond us.
9:16 a.m. – The I-Man notices Connell’s tie-less, open-collared look this morning and criticizes him for his fashion sense. “If you’re not going to wear a tie, at least you need a collar that’s stiff and can stand up.” Uh huh. That’s what she said.
TODAY’S VIDEO OF THE DAY, THE ‘GODFATHER’ OF COMEDY,
SOME OF THE GENIUS BEHIND THE LEGEND OF RICHARD PRYOR
THE GREAT PAUL MOONEY