6:16 a.m. – Imus reveals that he “Hasn’t heard from Cavuto in quite awhile. What’s that about?” If he doesn’t know by now…we can’t tell him.
NEIL (NOELLE) CAVUTO: MAYBE HE HASN’T CALLED BECAUSE HE’S HAD A SEX CHANGE?
6:31:17 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Clips from Leno and Kimmel on Mitt Romney’s appearance at the NAACP convention. The I-Man is not amused. We’re not exactly sure if ANYBODY was. In fact, we’re almost positive NOBODY was. Except for the fine folks at the NAACP convention, who thought Mr. Romney’s comment “If you want a president who will make things better in the African American Community…you’re lookin’ at him”…was a scream.
6:38a.m. – James Carville is back on to promote his new book It’s The Middle Class, Stupid!. We assume he’s on only because he mentioned Imus in the title.
JAMES CARVILLE WANTS YOU TO BUY HIS NEW BOOK
OR HE’LL BITE YOU
7:03:17 a.m. – The I-Man chastises WABC Newsman Scott Solatto, for interviewing a woman who, he says, ‘Didn’t have much to say’. Scott asks her, on air, about Mary Kennedy, to which, the woman answers, she ‘Doesn’t have much to say”. That’s the kind of hard-hitting ‘Breaking News and Stimulating Talk’ you won’t find anywhere else. One thing you can say about Scott Solatto: ‘There’s not much to say’.
7:06:18 a.m. – Imus complains that they are still using the same promos on the radio for the John Batchelor program… ‘Something is brewing in Europe….!’ In fact, they’ve been using the clip for so long, we assume he’s actually speaking about the imminence of War World Two.
JOHN BATCHELOR WANTS YOU TO BUY WAR BONDS
(TIE COURTESTY OF THE AREA 51 GIFT SHOP)
7:11:12 a.m. – Imus asks Dagen if she’s ever worn a mood ring. She replies in the affirmative, adding that it was ‘Always Black.’ Come to think of it, so is Tony, which could be why he’s always in a ‘mood.’
7:17 a.m. – Warner reports on the Bradley Wiggens story, the very outspoken, profane comment spewing, bike rider, holding a commanding lead in the Tour de France. Wiggens bears an unsettling likeness to one of those creepy dudes from ‘The Wiggles’. Although we assume when those guys ride a bike, it’s without a seat.
BRADLEY WIGGINS (AND SECOND FROM THE LEFT…HE WANTED THE YELLOW SHIRT BUT…)
7:40 a.m. – Martha McCallum, (Who wouldn’t be a bad choice as a Lis Wiehl replacement the next time she can’t make a ‘Blonde on Blonde’ segment) is on, revealing that she is an Elvis fan. She also says she’s “The same age that Elvis was when he died.” Imus: “You’re 42?” Martha: “Oh, God no! I thought he was like...36.” Don’t worry, Martha, if you were fat, you’d look 42 as well. But you gotta love a woman who is not afraid to tell her age.
ELVIS ‘THEN’ AND ‘NOW’ (THAT’S AN ACTUAL MAYAN CALENDAR ON HIS CHEST)
8:20:14 a.m. – A distracted I-Man asks Warner, “Have you done sports yet?” Connell: “Did he do SPORTS? He did like an hour and a half of sports! He’s been giving Australian Rule Football Scores!”
8:25 a.m. – Imus proposes the theory that Eccentric Newsroom Cub Reporter, Andre, and John Batchelor are an ‘item’. We disagree. There’s a reason why his name sounds like ‘Bachelor’. We don’t think John gets out much. And when he does, it’s probably on a pass from the Psyche Ward at Bellvue.
8:35 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: B does a story about last night’s ‘ESPY’ Awards show, the producers of which, tried to capitalize on the popularity of Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin, both of whom are devout Christians who have made ‘Abstinence Pledges’. Bernard suggests that there are a lot of good-looking women in New York and wonders if the two are going to be able to stick to their Christian Morals. The Abstinence Pledge is not like the Pledge of Allegiance, that’s a pledge made when you’re actually TRYING to raise a flag.
WE CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE WITHOUT THE AID OF ‘VIAGRA’
8:45a.m. – John Stossel is the guest. Imus says he used to think he was a weird dude, but he’s a great guest. Yes, he is a great guest. But he’s still a weird dude. In fact, he and Andre and John Batchelor and Scott Solatto all belong to the same ‘Weird Dude’ club. They hold secret meetings where they all wear funny hats and talk about Sasquatch Sightings.
“ANDRE? YEAH, I HIT THAT.”
9:14 a.m. – The Boss mentions how Martha McCallum is not only beautiful, she is a terrific guest. Although he hypothesizes that she’s a tad on the crazy side. He then offers his nomination for a Fox News Personality who is even CRAZIER: Jenna Lee. He then asks Dagen if she concurs. Wait a second…he is asking DAGEN if she thinks ANOTHER woman is CRAZY? That’s like asking Robert Downey Junior if he thinks Charlie Sheen has a problem. Dagen warns that Jenna’s husband is a Navy S.E.A.L. and could probably snap Imus’ neck using only three of his toes. Which isn’t that much of a threat…you could snap Imus’ neck by winging a roll of toilet paper at it.
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
‘CONTROVERSIAL’ COMIC, DANIEL TOSH