6:06:11 a.m. – Dragging himself from his deathbed, because that’s the kind of dedication he has to you people, the I-Man is back where he belongs, in the ‘Big Chair’ out at the Ranch, bemoaning the fact that NOBODY on the staff checked in with him to see how he was feeling. This is mere speculation, but perhaps it has something to do with the usual patented response to such inquiries: “Shut up you fat bastard. Don’t worry about how I’m feeling. Worry about getting funny. Lose this number.” We are happy to report, he’s feeling much better.
6:20:17 a.m. – The I-Man reveals the secret behind his miraculous rebound to health: The new Doctor at the Ranch has him inhaling Liquid Albuterol through a Nebulizer. Which has got to be an improvement over the liquid Arsenic Deirdre had recently prescribed.
“JUST SHUT UP, DON, AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE”
6:35a.m. – Bernie Briefing: A clip of the Great Jim Norton, from his new Stand Up Special, “Please Be Offended” on Al Sharpton sitting in front of him on a plane coming back from L.A. “It’s the only time I ever rooted for my own plane to crash.” We used to get that sensation back when we were still traveling on the I-Jet.
6:40 a.m. – Imus promos the upcoming ‘Blonde on Blonde’ segment, and reveals that Lis Wiehl and her daughter ‘Doug’ will be coming out to the Ranch again. Apparently, the first time they were there, they mistook the facility for a Vacation Spa ‘Dude Ranch’. We wonder how long it took until they realized that instead of a Sauna and Facial, they would be shoveling cow s*** and ‘sheathing’ the horses. (Look up that term…and learn something) Last time, they formed a special bond with some of the kids, who asked Lis and her daughter to help them hide the dirt from the tunnel they dug.
“WAIT A MINUTE…YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN HIS…WHAT??”
AT THE “LOTUS BLOSSOM SPA” ON 38TH STREET, THAT SERVICE COSTS 40 BUCKS EXTRA
(BUT IT’S WELL WORTH IT)
7:17:12 a.m. – Warner does a story about Blake Griffin, Star Forward of the Los Angeles Clippers, who recently signed a 5 year contract extension, which, Warner says, could be worth 20 million dollars a season… “That’s like 100 Million dollars a year…”. Um…Warner? We did the Math. You should, too. Show your work.
7:27:08 a.m. – Deirdre is in the studio in advance of her ‘Blonde on Blonde’ appearance, and, instead of her usual, skin tight, plunging neckline, décolletage revealing top, she’s got on a crew neck Beefy T fashioned by one of the ‘Little Knotheads’ at the Ranch with a handpainted message: “Best Mom in the World.” Awwwwww. That’s not paroxysm due to of the ‘cuteness factor’ of the shirt, it’s a cry of disappointment in the child’s depriving us our weekly viewing of what the I-Man calls ‘Deirdre’s Ample Bosoms’. Oh well. Might as well turn the sound up on the TV…there’s nothing to see here. Even Lis is wearing her ‘Nun Dress’…which essentially means “We ain’t gonna see none.”
LIS AND DEIRDRE MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN WEARING THIS
(FROM THE ‘LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRARIE’ COLLECTION)
7:41:14 a.m. – Weighing in on Reggie Jackson’s comments on A-Rod’s steroid abuse, Lis says…oh, we don’t know what the hell she says…we stopped listening a long time ago…the both of them might as well be wearing Burkas. He is, however, christened ‘The Single Biggest Phony on the Planet’. Rob is back in the Green Room eating one of Mr. October’s famous candy bars cheering “Reg-gie…Reg-gie…Reg-gie!” Of course, Clark Candies stopped production of the Reggie Bar in 1998, so the chocolate covered caramel and peanuts are a little more…um…chewy than they once were…but…they’re late with the bagels this morning, and beggars can’t be choosers.
CHOCOLATE, CARAMEL AND NUTS
OR WHAT JOSEPH ABBOUD LIKES TO CALL:
“A WEEKEND IN PROVINCETOWN WITH MY AFRICAN AMERICAN AND LATINO FRIEND”
8:12 a.m. – Deirdre comes back into the studio after her B.O.B. appearance, with a cheese sandwich for the I-Man, which he promptly begins to eat…on air… something which looks, (on Fox TV), and sounds, (on the WABC Radio Network), like the Octomom giving birth. He has single-handedly created a new diet program: The ‘Witness the I-Man Eating’ Plan. It’s like the guy in the Freakshow at the Circus who chews light bulbs and bites the heads off chickens, except even HE doesn’t want to see Imus hunkering down on a cheese sammidge.
THIS DUDE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE THE I-MAN EATING
8:43 a.m. – Jeff Greenfield is on…we are late getting to him. Which is yet another public service the I-Man has provided “His Peoples”…similar to an ‘Anti-Suicide Hotline’. Jeff reveals that he wrote an ‘E Book’ addendum to his ‘Alternate History’ tome of a couple years ago…apparently, he “Took some time off”. Imus wonders: “From WHAT? You don’t DO anything.” Good point, I-Man. Greenfield later offers a Chris Christie Campaign slogan: “Hey Numbnuts, I’m talkin’ to ya!” …maybe he should have taken a little bit more time off.
“JEFF GREENFIELD IS ON AGAIN?”
9:05:56 a.m. – Back from the local break, Imus wonders who the gentleman was in the clip Diane Macedo just aired. No one knows. Except for Dagen, who is screaming to be heard, as Connell refuses to turn her mike on, because he has learned to do so is a dangerous proposition. It’s like poking an under-nourished crocodile with a stick. Sure, it seems like fun at first, but it turns ugly REALLLLLY fast.
“TURN MY MIKE ON, DAMMIT!”
9:27:14 a.m. – Off air, we record the ‘Best of Imus’ Intro for Saturday, in which Imus promotes Monica Crowley’s new book, “What the F*** Just Happened?” Except he actually says the ‘Expletive Deleted’. We are sure Bigfoot will Beep that one out, but, if he didn’t, we’d all be coming to work, finding it not there anymore, and wondering, “What the F*** Just Happened?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
THE AFOREMENTIONED ‘LIL’ JIMMY’, THE GREAT JIM NORTON
FROM HIS HBO SPECIAL