6:08 a.m. – The Boss begins the program with the announcement that he has received an email from our ‘TV Boss’, Kevin Magee, informing him that there will be some huge announcement made this morning, about something momentous, at which point, Fox Business will leave the radio program to do their own coverage. Whatever the news is, it must REALLY be secret. Otherwise, why would you want to prevent the millions of radio listeners from hearing about it?
KEVIN MAGEE HAS CLASSIFIED INFORMATION
IF HE TOLD YOU, HE’D HAVE TO KILL YOU
WE HOPE HE TELLS THE I-MAN
6:27:19 a.m. – Imus tells the tale of his Lawyer, Super Litigator Martin Garbus, sending him a Facebook request. Apparently, Mr. Garbus wants the I-Man to be his ‘friend’. Imus turns him down, in a thoughtful return email, (‘F*** Facebook’) which has less to do with the fact that he owns a small amount of the failed Facebook stock, than it does the fact that he has no friends. We can’t imagine what kind of Facebook Profile The Boss would provide. “Likes: Nothing” “Relationship: ‘It’s Complicated’” Why he wouldn’t want to share his thoughts with the billion mouthbreathers currently on Facebook is beyond us. We would LOVE to have him share with us photos of his latest pedicures while eating cheese enchiladas.
6:39:08 a.m. – Imus apologizes for getting Stuart ‘On Late’, Stuart has, in the Green Room, informed us that he has ‘Not been in London in 12 years’. Oh yeah, well then why does he still have that f***ing accent? On air, he shares that he is a ‘Little on edge’, as he has had “Nothing to eat or drink since 8 o’clock yesterday morning”, due to a dental procedure he had done while under anesthetic. No stranger to the discomfort of health problems, an empathetic I-Man asks Stuart if he received any Post-Op pain medication. Sadly, Mr. Varney has not, at which point, Imus completely loses interest in the conversation…all he hears is ‘blah blah blah blah blah’. Except with a f***ing accent. Nevertheless, Stuart is not in a very good mood, and warns The I-Man: “Don’t rub up on me the wrong way.” Funny, we thought he liked that.
STUART VARNEY-FROM HIS EXPRESSION, WE ASSUME THAT,
SOMEONE, OUT OF CAMERA RANGE, IS RUBBING UP ON HIM ‘THE RIGHT WAY’
6:46 a.m. – Imus asks Stuart about the ramifications of the Supreme Court decision. Nothing we like better than the perspective of a non-citizen who comes from a country that has its own Free National Health Care Plan. We KNOW he’s holding out on the I-Man. Not only does he have pain meds, he didn’t even have to pay for them.
7:05: a.m. - The I-Man makes a bold, but futile attempt to pit Bigfoot and Connell against Kevin Magee, about the ‘Big News’ that we’re not allowed to report on the radio: News Corp, the parent company of the Fox TV and Movie Assets, as well as its publishing division, has decided to split into two separate companies: News Corp 1 and News Corp 2. We guarantee they spent MILLIONS of dollars to come up with those two names.
THE PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM RESPONSIBLE FOR
THE ‘BRANDING’ OF THE TWO NEW FOX COMPANIES
7:25 a.m. – During the Bernie Briefing Bernard tells a story about Jimmie (J.J.) Walker, of ‘Good Times’ fame. (Oh, you remember him, don’t you? “DY-NO-MITE!!!” Um…yah. Him.) Apparently, he has written his memoirs. Imus polls the staff to find out whether or not we should care: Bernard, Lou…even Carley, who wasn’t even born until well after the show had been cancelled. The only person he does not ask about the African American ‘Comedian’ Walker, is…the African American Comedian on the set seated in front of Connell. One of two people on the staff who actually WORKED with Jimmie J.J. Walker, who would, gladly, inform Imus that NO, YOU SHOULDN’T CARE!
JIMMIE ‘J.J.’ WALKER: NEVER HAS ONE, WITH SO LITTLE, GOTTEN SO MUCH, FROM NOTHING
7:35 a.m. – Stuart Taylor Jr., Media Professor at Stanford, University, is on to talk about today’s Supreme Court ruling on Health Care. Stuart is a brilliant, brilliant man. After a fascinating interview, Imus tells Bernie “We should have him on more often…we only call him when there’s a Supreme Court decision. He can comment on other things.” Like whether Capt. Kirk or Capt. Picard was the stronger Commander of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and who made for a better ‘Doctor Who’.
STUART TAYLOR JR.
(A MAN WHO HAS MOST CERTAINLY BEEN TO A STAR TREK CONVENTION)
8:06:12 a.m. – Imus asks Carley about her plans for setting up Tamara Holder with her boyfriend’s roommate. It appears that Carley thought better of bringing ‘Quasimodo’, (So named, because, from Carley’s description, that’s the guy he most resembles) So the staff tries to come up with alternative potential ‘beaus’ for Ms. Holder. Connell suggests ‘Gunz’, the young man who helps Warner over at ABC and who has filled in for our legendary sportscaster on air, in Mr. Wolf’s absence. Gunz is generally considered a ‘Hottie’ by the female contingent of the Imus in the Morning Program, but is not the tallest of gentlemen, and, as such, would not be able to ‘Work without a net.’
GUNZ: “WHEN WE LAY DOWN, WE’LL BOTH BE THE SAME HEIGHT”
8:15:02 – Imus receives another email from our TV Boss Kevin Magee: “Lose the ‘fat’ material when describing me, it’s getting old.” Imus is more than ready to comply, as there is so much more fertile ground from which to draw. So no more ‘Fat Kevin’. But , you CAN expect to hear more references to Mr. Magee’s intellect. As in “I got another stupid email from our Stupid TV Boss, that Mouth Breathing, Moron Kevin.”
NOT KEVIN MAGEE OUTSIDE OF THE NEWSCORP BUILDING
8:35:16 a.m. - Fox News Channel contributor, Angela McGlowan is our only ‘In Studio’ guest, and, if you have to have an ‘In Studio’ guest, she is certainly the one to have. She not only is a model C.E.O., she could actually BE a model. She’s not a fan of Obama’s, and she knows from whence she speaks, as she actually has some political experience herself. She ran for the Congress in her district in Mississippi. She was the first, and as far as we know, the only, African American Republican Woman, ever to run for a Congressional Seat in Mississippi. Sadly, she did not win the election. We are, uniformly, shocked. We maintain it was a close race, and she only lost because she was much too humble to vote for herself.
WE’D VOTE FOR THIS WOMAN. FOR CONGRESS, FOR PRESIDENT, FOR QUEEN OF THE WORLD
8:55:16 a.m. - Off air, Imus tells us about his steroid treatment being somewhat successful in enhancing his breathing ability. Our eyes glaze over, as we, yet again, must feign interest in the daily ‘Health Report’. Who has the confessions for us to sign? We don’t care what we’re confessing to, the Great Train Robbery, the kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby, or the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, just PLEASE GOD MAKE HIM STOP!
WE BURIED THE FORMER HEAD OF THE TEAMSTERS
UNDER THE ENTRANCE CONCOURSE ON THE FAR LEFT
NOW PLEASE SHUT THE F*** UP!!!
9:15:01 a.m. - The I-Man has empathy for baseball managers. They have to answer the same stupid f***ing questions every day. Oddly enough, we also know how they feel.
9:16 a.m. - Warner reports the story of Aroldis Chapman, The Cincinnati Reds closer, who has a superstition of doing a somersault after winning a baseball game. He does a forward roll, towards the Catcher, in celebration. The I-Man performs a similar ritual every time he is able to achieve an erection. Which, as far as we know, has only happened once in the past 14 years. Haley’s Comet has been by more often.
TODAY’S CLASSIC COMEDIAN CLIP
COMES FROM I-FAVE LEWIS BLACK