6:29 a.m. – Tension between Bernie and Warner during the briefing, in which B reports on President Obama’s failed joke about Kevin Youkliss being traded from the Boston Red Sox to the Chicago White Sox. Bernard maintains that Boston fans HATE Kevin Youkliss. Warner takes exception to that assertion. ‘Oh, no! They LOVE him. He’s a great player, an All-Star, one of the finest Jewish ballplayers in the game.’ We smell a Sharks/Jets Rumble a brewin’.
WARNER & BERNARD FIGHT IT OUT IN A ‘DANCE BATTLE’
6:37 a.m. – Diane Dimond, columnist for ‘The Daily Beast’, is the guest. When we first heard that ‘Dimond’ was on, we assumed it was Jamie Dimond, and Dagen would’ve been disappointed. However, Ms. Dimond is quite the snappy dish herself, in fact, Dagen might add actually add her to the ‘I’d Hit That’ list. Unfortunately, Ms. Dimond also makes the unfortunate mistake of calling The Ranch a ‘camp’. Oh no she di-int. And here we thought she was such a big fan of the program.
6:41:57 a.m. – As Ms. Dimond is also from New Mexico, the I-Man feels it necessary to tell her about some Italian Restaurant he had dinner at last night. That’s how it starts. Pretty soon, he’ll be on a park bench, offering passersby updates on the regularity of his B.M.s.
“YOU KNOW, I PLAYED ‘GREENSLEEVES’ WHEN IT WAS A HIT”
7:02 a.m. – Imus mentions that Dagen is still on vacation with her family, no doubt, barbecuing whatever animals they ran over on the way to the beach. Here, we offer the McDowell Family’s Prize Winning Recipe for ‘Slow Smoked Possum’.
Take one medium Possum, (Fresh Kill- You must retrieve it from the Interstate within moments of mistaking it for a ‘Speed Bump’. Hit it with a stick just to insure it’s not, well, ‘Playing Possum’) Skin from the tire tread marks on its’ back forward, and coat with a dry rub made from equal parts crushed ritz crackers, moon pies, spray cheese, and a pecan log, and use the tail to attach it to the hook you will hang over a medium charcoal fire. Leave hanging until meat falls off the bone. Remove from fire, and allow to rest to insure that it is still dead, slice meat from bone, and roll in Olive Loaf Slices. Serve with ice cold RC Colas and Pork Rind Cheese Grits. Serves four, unless you’re a member of Dagen’s family, in which case, count on one Possum per person.
RING THE BELL, IT’S ‘SUPPERTIME’!!
7:10:12 a.m. – The Boss promos ‘Blonde on Blonde’ for tomorrow, however, it will be more like Blonde on Red, as young Wyatt Imus will be filling in for Lis Wiehl, who will be in Paris, ostensibly so she can get hit on by horny Frenchmen. Imus says “I will have some good topics that will have them at each others’ throats. I know how to do that. I spend most of the day poking them both.” We know when he says ‘poking’ he means ‘agitate’ and not like, well, in the traditional sense…as we’re pretty sure he hasn’t poked anybody since Wyatt’s conception, (and the jury is still out on that one)
7:42 a.m. – Tamara Holder, Fox Legal Analyst, is on to discuss… well, we don’t care what she’s on to discuss. We are in love. We want to be restrained with those handcuffs she wears around her neck because, ‘We’ve been very naughty’. If Tamara was on the New York Police Force, the ‘Stop and Frisk’ law would never be called into question. In fact, we’d even be in favor of cavity searches for Jay Walking. It’s incredulous to us that this woman is still single.
7:48 a.m. – There’s a debate between Carley and the Boss over I-Man’s pledge to find Tamara a man. He accuses Carley of dropping the ball, of saying she would ‘get it done’, when, clearly, she hasn’t. Somehow, they are able to get Imus to agree to financing a ‘Girl’s Night Out’ where they will hunt for some male companionship…like Teddy Roosevelt in British East Africa, bagging Rhinos. Tamara says she’ll settle for a handful of ‘Roofies’. The girl’s crafty, we WILL say that.
“HEY, BIG BOY, EVER BEEN HIT WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART BEFORE?”
8:06:14 a.m. – It only took two hours and six minutes, but the daily “Hissy Fit” begins, and it’s a Double Dose, beginning with: “I’m calling my bosses Steve Borneman and Kevin Magee and telling them I can’t do this any more. I CAN’T BREATHE!” A valid point, although, one wonders why he settled on purchasing a Ranch that was over SIX THOUSAND FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL! What was the point of that? Did he want a view of the New York Skyline? He then turns to the topic of the Arizona Immigration Law. He just doesn’t care about it. Which is ironic, considering all the Mexican Food he’s been enjoying lately. It won’t nearly be as good when some Chi Chi Yuppie Chef makes cheese enchiladas with Goat Cheese and Mango Salsa. Nevertheless, he’s SICK of hearing about it. We know how he feels, because we’re SICK of listening to him bitch about it.
THIS COULD BE A MERE MEMORY
IF THE I-MAN DOESN’T START CARING ABOUT THE ARIZONA IMMIGRATION LAW
AND IT COULD BE REPLACED BY THIS
8:38 a.m. – Not even a half an hour after his proclamation that he doesn’t want to hear anymore about the Arizona Immigration Law, the I-Man asks Carl ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers about it. Which plays into the same type of self-loathing behavior that has him spending the Summer at a Cattle Ranch, at which, he cannot breathe. There’s a pattern here that would take countless hours of therapy to sort out. Which, we just may have available, as Jeffers goes on one of his tireless, tedious rants, during which, the camera cuts away to a sleeping Imus. At least we’re hoping he’s just sleeping. Somebody hold a mirror under the boy’s nose. This could be the ‘Big One’.
8:42 a.m. – One of the biggest downfalls of HD television is its crystal clear image, which, this morning, allows us to see that Mr. Jeffers either needs a nose trimmer or a tissue. We can’t decide if it’s an errant hair, or the proverbial ‘Bat in the Cave’. It could be the latter, hanging off the former, we can’t be sure, but regardless, that’s some nasty s***. We hope Nat has a Tweezer.
A ‘DIFFERENT’ KIND OF ‘PIG TAIL’
9:17 a.m. – During Warner’s Sports Report, he mentions that Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers has instituted a new superstition: he’s going to stop chewing tobacco, and instead, will use ‘Tea Tree Oil’ and Menthol Toothpicks because he’s currently, in a slump, batting under .200. Throughout the morning, Warner has shared other MLB superstitions, such as Wade Boggs only eating chicken before a game, Outfielder Rico Carty of the Braves floating five candles in the toilet of his hotel room to ensure a five hit game, and, Moises Alou, who, according to Warner, would pee on his own hand. At first we thought that to be the most unusual ritual, however, we realize now that he didn’t want to use the toilet, lest he blow out Rico Carty’s candles.
AND FINALLY, A CLASSIC FROM THE 70’S FROM THE DEAN MARTIN SHOW
THE BRILLIANT FOSTER BROOKS