6:08 a.m. – Imus begins the program recounting his experience at his Santa Fe Dentist yesterday, (Chris ‘Mad Dog’ Russo’s parents go to this guy! Wow!) and his delighted satisfaction with the Waiting Room facilities…
Hmmmmm…MAD DOG LOOKS FOR SOME KIND OF CONNECTION
…so THIS what it all comes down to? Padded sofas and good magazines? This from the man who once climbed a pole to rip down a Russian Flag in Rockefeller Center? The same man who hung off a box car, worked in a Uranium Mine in the Grand Canyon, and was a Marine at age 17…is now waxing poetic about comfy couches? Say it ain’t so, I-Man. Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing Uggs slippers when he goes out to contront Ranch intruders. Um…never mind.
6:15 a.m. – Dagen takes a shot at ‘Soon To Be Ex Host of the Today Show’, Ann Curry. Who is, in her estimation, a “Smarmy, obsequious, fawning, inauthentic phony…there has never been anyone as disingenuous on the airwaves…ever.” Obviously, she’s never seen Rob suck up to Imus when he needs a plug.
6:37a.m. – Chief White House Correspondent for Fox News, Ed Henry, is on to discuss “Operation Fast & Furious”… the ATF program designed to stem the flow of Automatic Weapons into Mexico…and not Joseph Abboud’s Game Plan for Weekends on Fire Island. Except when Joseph says the words ‘Fast’ and ‘Furious’, they each sound as though they’re spelled with fifty extra ‘S’s. It’s like steam escaping. Or as Abboud would say: “Ssssssssssssteam Essssssssscaping!”
7:15:12 a.m. – Dagen Doubles Down on Ann Curry. She doesn’t need much prompting to go after the “About To Be History Toadying Sycophant.” In the words of the late, great, Rodney King: “Can’t we all just get along?” Tony points out that Mr. King is not ‘Late’. He’s almost definitely not showing up, so you might as well clear that place setting at the table next Passover. Elijah will be there before ol’ Rodney will.
MAYBE ANN CURRY WILL FILL IN FOR MR. KING
SHE’LL BE FREE, THAT’S FOR SURE
7:25 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Adam Carolla defends his ‘Gay Bashing’, pointing out that, as comedians, we should not be judged against Politicians or Journalists, we’re not supposed to be nice. Whew. Well, that’s a relief. Because we still have another 578 pages worth of stuff on Joseph Abboud.
7:30 a.m. – Donald Trump is on, touting the triumphant return of Arsenio Hall to Late Night Television. To hear Trump speak, you’d think Arsenio will be the biggest thing since Jack Paar and Joey Bishop. Only if he has Eddie Murphy as a sidekick. But seriously, you could put a sock puppet on against Conan O’Brien and he’d get better ratings.
DONALD TRUMP ENDORSING ARSENIO (ARTIST’S RENDERING)
“S’ARIGHT?” “S’ARIGHT!” “IS GOOD?” “IS GOOD!”
7:57:12 a.m. – Off Air: “Hey Tony, guess what? Good news! Another email from Joseph Abboud. He says “Tony was actually funny this morning. Even a blind squirrel finds a chestnut every now and then.” Really, Abboud? You think we’re not going to take THAT apple? You don’t have to be blind to find nuts on your chest. You’ve always got a pair of them resting there. But, honestly, did you really think a phony, insincere compliment like that means this is over? It’s WAR, Bitch! We’re talking Braveheart style, William Wallace uniting the Scots against English Rule…um…forget that. We’re talking Mel Gibson, s***faced, disrupting the Goldberg Bar Mitvah.
“ON MY SIGNAL, UNLEASH HELL ON THE VIENNESE TABLE!”
8:11:14 a.m. – Imus wonders why flies keep landing on him at The Ranch. “Really, I-Man? You mean they are passing up the horse s***, the cow s***, and the sheep s*** and prefer to perch on you? You know what they call that? Professional Courtesy.
8:13:56 a.m. – Mike Emanuel, Chief Congressional Correspondent from Fox News, tries to weasel a free vacation to The Ranch. He seems to think it’s some sort of Western Themed Attraction, like Frontierland at DisneyWorld. It’s not. It’s more like The Haunted Mansion at DisneyWorld.
THE I-MAN WELCOMING MIKE EMANUEL’S FAMILY TO THE RANCH:
8:18 a.m. – Imus: “I’m taking off tomorrow. You know why I’m taking off tomorrow? Because I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe and I’m SICK of these sponsors. I’m SICK of talking about the ‘My Pillow’, I’m sick of talking about Volkswagen Beetles from Sunrise VW, I’m sick of T-Gen… I’m sick of it all!” You deserve a day off, I-Man. Get some rest. Take a nap. Make sure you use your ‘My Pillow’ so you wake up refreshed so that you and the Old Lady can drive to Santa Fe in a Beetle, and…you know, maybe pull over on the side of the road and see just how good that T-Gen stuff is. Although you might not want to do THAT, because, well…you can’t breathe as it is.
8:35 a.m. – I-Fave, Matt Taibbi is the guest, railing about some Bond thing that nobody understands, or even cares about. Frankly, we always thought Sean Connery was the best, but clearly, Taibbi is in the Pierce Brosnan camp. Joseph Abboud, however, prefers Roger Moore. Which is surprising, considering he starred in ‘Octopussy’. Although he doesn’t have a GOLD finger, he IS partial to being ‘Thunderballed’.
007… AND THEN SOME.
“MY NAME ISSSS BOND…JAMESSSSSSSSSSSS BOND.”
9:00 a.m. – We come back at the top of the hour, the Imus intro is played, but…nothing. A glance at the monitor finds The Chief, sound asleep, in his chair. At least we hope he’s just asleep. We’re in favor of one of the crew out there in New Mexico holding a mirror under his nose just to make sure. But then, we realize there are no mirrors at The Ranch, as Imus can’t see his reflection in them. Connell takes it upon himself to begin the last hour of the program, and the I-Man jolts awake like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, getting the Hypodermic Needle of Adrenaline in her chest. If we were forced to stick anything in Imus’ chest, we wouldn’t use a needle. It would be a stake. Upon hearing this, Deirdre complains, “But he’s a VEGAN!” No, Deirdre, not THAT kind of ‘steak’. We’re talking the wooden variety.
9:25 a.m. – “I’ll see you bastards on Monday…I’m sick of everything and everybody, and everything ABOUT everybody.” “Have a great weekend, I-Man!” “I’ll have any kind of F***ing Weekend I want.”
AND, FINALLY, THE ONLY FUNNY THING ABOUT
THE CONAN O’BRIEN PROGRAM: TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG