6:15 a.m. – Dagen starts the week off on a cynical note: When asked about Dale Jr. Winning the NASCAR race in Michigan, she says that it’s Dale’s first win in 143 races. She’s not enthused about the win. “Excuse me for not putting my party pants on.”
DAGEN’S ‘PARTY PANTS’
6:19 a.m. – Warner’s first sports report of the morning and we already have to wash his potty mouth out with soap. In discussing The U.S. Open, he mentions a frustrated Jim Furyk, who put his club in his mouth: “Looks like Jim Furyk is going to eat the shaft.” The way he says it, you expect there to be quotes around the words ‘eat the shaft’. It’s not the subtlest of euphemisms, but, we’re not surprised. Warner has clearly gone over to the ‘dark side’. Next thing you know, he’ll be commenting on Tiger Woods being ‘In The Rough’, and how many ‘strokes’ it took for him to ‘finish the hole’. And we won’t be sure he’ll still be talking about golf.
6:47:57 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on for the weekly diatribe-atation. In the same segment, he manages to discuss the death of one of his mobster friends, Henry Hill, Black on Black Crime, and baby steer. Sounds like someone is playing the 20,000 Dollar Pyramid, and the category is “Things A Crazy Person Would Talk About In The Same Sentence.”
6:52 a.m. – Rob and Tony make their way back to the studio after Bo’s appearance. Tony is late to the set. It seems Bo stopped and frisked him. He didn’t recognize Tony dressed as ‘Herman Cain’. Rob, however, dressed as ‘Fat Elvis’ didn’t appear to ‘pose a threat’.
7:18:12 a.m. – Warner Wolf, describing a pivotal play last night, late in the Heat/Thunder Playoff Game, says that when Westbrook threw the ball away you could “Turn your sets off there.” The I-Man wonders why you would do that, there was still 16 seconds left. Warner asks, “What can you do in 16 seconds?” Imus answers, “Shoot a rattlesnake, pour an espresso… make love.” Warner: “You can go the whole 16 seconds?”
7:38 a.m. – Sally Kohn is the guest, Imus asks her what she thinks of Dale Earnhardt Jr. She like Dagen, is a Dale Jr. Hater. We wonder if she, too, also doesn’t have her ‘Party Pants’ on.
SALLY KOHN’S PARTY PANTS
8:13:14 a.m. – Imus, referring to Jerry Sandusky and other child molesters in ‘General Population’ at the Penitentiary: “Warner, they call those guys ‘Short Eyes’, don’t they?” Warner says he doesn’t know anything about ‘Short Eyes’, but he does have some experience with ‘Short legs’.
8:17 a.m. – Imus congratulates Blaine Cox for winning the High School Rodeo Calf Roping Title, earning a trip to the national finals in Kansas. He then goes on to say that 8 Time World Champion, Joe Beaver, will be at the Ranch. Bernie: “Whoa…Beaver AND Cox. That’s a mouthful.” Now we know where Warner gets it.
8:37 a.m. – Mike Breen is one funny mother…. “Shut yo’ mouth!”…well, we’re talkin’ ‘bout Mike… “Then we can dig it.” He debuts a new ‘character voice’, as a companion to ‘Bill From White Plains’. We call this one ‘Broadcast Mike’. It’s an over the top, announcer voice that sucks up to the I-Man like Mike Lupica when he’s just written a new book. Warner has hinted earlier that Breen might be a little more involved with the outcome of the games than he should be. Mike wants to know, “Well, just how much money would it take to be consider it a ‘gambling problem’?” We ‘bet’ the ‘under’ is Pete Rose, and the ‘over’ is Charles Barkley. But at least Breen doesn’t have that ridiculous Moe Howard haircut or shave his head.
8:42 a.m. – Mike invokes a name from the past: Roz Frank. She was our ‘Traffic Girl’ back in the days at 66 WNBC. Back when the I-Man was still spinning records. Back when Bernie had hair. Back when Rob was still funny.
8:57:12 a.m. – ‘Off Air’, Imus remembers Roz fondly. “Wasn’t she the one who married a listener? Some Finance Guy who went to jail? She bit on that one.” What IS it with everybody this morning with the sexually charged double entendre discourse?.
MS. FRANK IN HAPPIER TIMES MS. FRANK IN ‘NOT SO HAPPY’ TIMES
9:08 a.m. – Imus discusses his new Organic, Holistic, Vegan Chef at The Ranch, who has the same sensibilities about food as Deirdre: Don’t eat any. He’s lost 8 pounds in a week. He’s wasting away. Which is something, considering he already looks as emaciated as the guy on the Twenty.
IMUS IN HAPPIER TIMES (He was eating then)
9:15 a.m. – Dagen continues her ‘Hate Parade’, moving from Dale Jr. to Tom Cruise in the new movie ‘Rock of Ages’ that bombed, big time, at the box office. Imus: “I just saw some footage here of him with his shirt off.” Dagen: “So, what…are you feeling something ‘downtown’?” Imus denies that the topless Cruise has caused a stirring in his loins. It’s just that the movie is set in the 80’s and everyone in it has the same mullet that Imus wears today.
9:37 a.m. – The Boss, doing his best to maintain the Espirit de Corps “Bigfoot, you always say ‘Give me a second’ when you know we’re going to do the same sh** every day, you fat f***!”
TONY, ROB & CONNELL
WONDERING WHY BIGFOOT “IS ALWAYS CAUSING TROUBLE FOR THE REST OF US”
AND HERE, WE PROUDLY PRESENT ANOTHER IMUS IDOL, THE LEGENDARY MORT SAHL: