6:10 a.m. – The I-Man polls the staff to see if anyone saw Bernie be part of The Great American Panel last night on Sean Hannity’s program. It appears as if nobody has. Probably because we all were at the 40 thousand dollar a plate fundraiser for Obama at Sarah Jessica Parker’s apartment.
THAT’S ANNA WINTOUR ON THE RIGHT…RIGHT?
6:38:39 a.m. – Congressman Peter King is on the phone. He’s complaining about being in the 6:30 half hour, and being made to wait for his appearance. He much prefers to be on in the 7:30 or 8:30 half hours, because he, wrongly, believes they are more listened to, but also because most of his constituents sleep in, as none of them have jobs. He’s on to discuss the Intelligence Leaks Scandal. He’s the perfect person to do so, seeing as how most of his intelligence has leaked out of his head. Imus asks him how tall he is. He is six foot one, weighing in at 230 pounds. “Wow. You really ARE fat.” Go back to sleep, Congressman. It’ll be less painful.
7:07:15 a.m. – “The Heat are gonna be hard to beat”: A poetic I-Man jumps off the OK City bandwagon in verse. It’s like he’s become posessed by the spirit of Walt ‘Clyde’ Frazier. “The Thunder had a blunder, could not get out from under and were torn asunder.” “It was obvious even to your Grammy, Miami gave the Thunder the Whammy, wiped the floor with them like they were a chamois.” He then reminds everyone “You can’t spell Miami without the letters I-M-A-N.” Actually, you can, the only time ‘Miami’ has an ‘N’ in it is when you hit the wrong letter while you’re texting.
7:09 a.m. – Dagen: “Give me 6 weeks and I can pork up like nobody’s business”.
ARTIST’S PROJECTION OF DAGEN AFTER 6 WEEKS OF ‘PORKING UP’
(WE WOULD TOTALLY STILL ‘HIT THAT’)
7:15:47 a.m. – Warner, unaware that his mike is on, says something to ‘Gunz’ Gunzelman, something along the lines of “You bring me another f***ing raisin bagel again, and I will devein your c*** with a clam knife!” We’re not surprised. We always knew he had it in him, and he has to let it out every once in awhile, or else the lil’ fella will explode in a torrent of spider monkey-style rage.
“YOU SAY ‘HOT DOGEE’ TO ME ONE MORE F***ING TIME…”
7:39:14 a.m. – Megan McCain and Michael Ian Black are on to promote their new book, America, You Sexy Bitch. Imus has been enjoying saying the title all morning, like a little kid at the blackboard in math class and having to tell the teacher the answer “69!” We can only hope America, You Sexy Bitch is the first in a long series of books, followed by America,You Old, Wrinkled Up Tart, and America, Does This Border Make Me Look Fat?
8:06:17 A.M.- Connell reports on the Wildfires occurring out West, in Southern New Mexico, Colorado …Imus asks if they’re anywhere near the Grand Canyon, as he informs Connell that he used to work at the Grand Canyon, underground in a Uranium Mine, which, could, conceivably, be the reason why he has that healthy ‘glow’. He also shares that, as a mule guide, he led tourists down to the Canyon floor. Who knew mules would follow a jackass? You learn something new every day.
8:27:14 a.m. – ‘Charles Rangel’ makes an unfortunate comparison between the I-Man, and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.
“DOPPELGANGER” IT’S THE GERMAN WORD FOR ‘LOOKING LIKE A LEATHER SATCHEL’
8:37:01 a.m. – Former Head of the Manhattan D.A. Sex Crimes UNIT, Linda Fairstein, is on, to discuss the slimy, oleaginous, creep Jerry Sandusky’s trial. Ms. Fairstein is the inspiration for the character of ‘Alexandra Cabot’ on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.
MS. FAIRSTEIN, DURING HER TENURE WITH THE MANHATTAN D.A.’S OFFICE
9:06 a.m. – The I-Man brings up Bob Beckel’s hideous Dye Job displayed on yesterday’s program, and his denial of possessing same. Seriously, the dude looks like a Cherry Tootsie Pop. Warner then comes clean with the admission that, he, too, once went the ‘Way of the Henna Rinse’. Apparently, nobody asked him about it, as, according to Warner, “They were too embarrassed to mention it.”
NO, REALLY, IT LOOKS VERY NATURAL, MR. WOLF.
9:15:02 a.m. – Warner, once again, INSISTS on using the word ‘Feed’ to describe something which is clearly ‘Bull****’, without explaining what it means, leaving the listening and viewing audience to think he’s talking about a Purina Farm Supply Store.
9:57 a.m. – Finally, to complete ‘Genius Week’, The Incomporable Dick Gregory