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    Thursday
    Mar012012

    Goin' to the Olive Garden

    6:21:53 a.m. – “Is it possible for you two bastards to…shut…up?”  Imus wishes a ‘Good Morning’ to Tony and Rob.  For a guy who can’t hear s***, he sure gets irritated when anybody speaks.  We think it has something to do with the fact that his name never comes up in our conversation.

    6:36 a.m. - Peter Kiernan comes on to promote his new book ‘Becoming China’s Bitch’.  The crew all watches to see if the I-Man makes Mr. Kiernan his bitch.  

    6:59: 30 a.m. – Imus returns from the bathroom, winded. (It takes a lot of effort to get ‘Big Roy’ back into his jeans.)  He takes his seat, and calls for stage manager Nat Candido to help him put his ear monitors in.  Nat not only runs the television program from the studio floor, he acts like that guy ‘Mr. Ray’, who used to put the cape on James Brown, who doesn’t do it anymore, obviously, ever since he put the shroud on him.  “Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, the hardest workin’ man on Radio, The Godfather, Mr. Dynamite, MISTER…IMUS IN THE MORNING!!!!”

    7:07:29 a.m. – The I-Man is tired.  He stayed up last night to watch the entire Knicks game as well as Deirdre on Hannity.  Apparently, Hannity gave Wyatt a football, which he insisted on showing his old man, waking him up at 10:30 to do so.   Imus, showing why he is indeed ‘Father of the Year’, tells Wyatt to ‘Get out.’  Wyatt, his spirit crushed, leaves the bedroom dejectedly and goes to his room where he watches the rest of History Channel’s documentary on the Menendez Brothers.

    7:13 a.m. – Rob does ‘Fat  Elvis’, now renamed, ‘Slightly Husky Elvis’  Imus:  ‘What happened to that pitch pipe?  What’s the point if you’re not going to use it?’  Rob: ‘What happened to that tail pipe?  What’s the point if you’re not going to suck on it?’  

    7:17 a.m. – Bernie promos his ‘Briefing’ where he will report on Louis Farrakhan’s rant about McDonald’s.  Imus:  “He sounds a little bit like Deirdre Imus.”   Come to think of it, you never do see the two of them together.  Although, admittedly, we’ve never seen Deirdre in a bowtie.

    7:22:34 a.m. - Imus tells Craig Finn ‘That’s a great record you got there.’  Craig asks which song is Imus’ favorite.  Imus:  ‘I listened to them all, but I’m so old, I don’t remember what I liked.’  What Mr. Finn doesn’t know is that Imus thinks he’s really Craig Crawford.

    7:38 a.m. - Larry the “Straight to Cable Guy” is our guest, on to promote his new movie, ‘Tooth Fairy 2’, which answers all the questions left at the end of the original ‘Tooth Fairy’.  It is available on DVD next Tuesday, skipping theaters completely because everyone is too excited to see it.  So far, no talk about a ‘Tooth Fairy 3: The Revenge of the Bicuspid.  This time, it’s personal’.

    7:52 a.m. - I-man weighs in on the latest Costa Cruise Line disaster: “Out at sea for two days, no power, no food, no toilets, no showers…MAKE me go on one of those cruises.”  We would like to make him take a cruise.  A Leon Klinghoffer-style cruise.

    8:11 a.m. - Imus says he plans to be at the Big Grand Opening of the Olive Garden in Huntsville, Texas.  Yeah, we can see him waiting in line for two hours holding one of those vibrating pagers for the chance to chow down on the $12.95 Special of Asiago and Roasted Garlic Tortelloni with Grilled Sausage.  If he were to put so much as a forkful of that up to his mouth, Deirdre would spontaneously combust.

    8:14:56 a.m. – The Boss says he’s looking forward to some retaliation for Kobe Bryant’s broken nose when the Lakers play the Heat this Weekend.  Maybe Dwayne Wade should just buy Kobe an 8 Karat Purple Diamond Ring as an apology.

    8:21:03a.m. -  Tony is impressed that Peter Sellers has come back from the dead to sing as front man for The Craig Finn Band.

    8:45 a.m. – The band sings ‘Honolulu Blues’.  Lightnin’ Hopkins insists you can’t have a Blues Song set in Hawaii…but that’s only because he didn’t have to hear this one.  (That last comment written by Trevor, our Audio Guy, clearly a hater, in that he was the only one in the studio who didn’t like the band.  At least he was the only one honest enough to say it out loud.)

    8:48:02 a.m. – Imus works out the radio and TV issues for the band’s performance of their final song with TV Producer Tom ‘Bigfoot’ Bowman.  The conversation doesn’t go very well.  I-Man asks Bigfoot what floor he’s on, so he can come up and ‘whip (Bigfoot’s) ass!’  Bowman tells him…at which point Imus realizes his shoulder is hurting.  Good thing for Bowman…who narrowly escapes the wrath of a 98 pound senior citizen with breathing issues.

    8:57:03 a.m. - The I-Man calls over Trevor, our Audio Guy, to ask him what he thinks of Craig Finn and the band.  Trevor is unimpressed, maintaining that ‘You can hear something like that in any bar, any night of the week, in any of the five boroughs.’   Imus tells him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, they sounded great.  This coming from a Deaf Cowboy to a man who’s dedicated his life to the pursuit of fidelity in sound.

    8:58:10 a.m. - Imus admits to training for the ‘Senior’ Mr. Universe pageant…er…competition.  He’s got a good shot at taking the title, as most of the other contestants are already dead.  

    9:07 a.m. – I-Man gives Connell McShane high praise, for his ability to ‘Take it at :05’ in his absence, a skill, at which, Connell is quite adept, albeit one that used to make Charles break out in hives.  Connell sucks, however, when it comes to highlighting News Headlines in yellow, cutting phrases out of the newspaper with a straight blade, then meticulously organizing them in alphabetical order, then stapling them together and putting them into neat rows arranged by time stamp. 

    9:20 a.m. - Imus yells at Nat, the Stage Manager:  ‘My thing doesn’t work all of a sudden.’  Nat, under his breath:  ‘Funny, Deirdre said the same thing yesterday.’   Nat is unaware that the I-Man is referring to his ‘Mike Button’. 

    9:59:11 a.m. - The show is over. Nat throws the cape over Imus’ shoulders. Not because it’s a James Brown thing, but because ‘Old people get cold.’   Imus: “I can’t do no mo’!”   Nat:  “If only that were true.”