6:05 a.m. – The Rodeo was rained out this past weekend, and so The ‘Wy-Man’, Wyatt Imus, calf roping prodigy and fruit of the loins of Don & Deirdre, was unable to compete. He did, however, have the benefit of an extra few days of practice for the rodeo coming up this coming Saturday, October 6th. The Boss was a great sport, running around the arena, allowing the future 8 Time World Champion to rope and tie him. As you might expect, that got old real fast, so one of Joe Beaver’s ranch hands stepped in.
“HANK”, A GOOD SPORT WYATT TIED HIM IN 6:067
6:15:17 a.m. – Warner is crowing over his record of football picks: 11 and 3. Gunz had 10 and 4. Not that bad, but Ring the bell, School’s In, Gunz. Let the Master show you how it’s done. At least this week. Next week Warner could go 1 and 13.
WARNER, BACK WHEN HE PLAYED ‘EPSTEIN’ ON ‘WELCOME BACK CARTER’
6:36:29 a.m. – It’s ‘Bo Monday’ today, and the ‘Gist-A –Tation’ of the appearance is that Bo is now the new face of Arby’s. He’s in their recent TV spot, playing himself, as a hard-boiled NYC Detective, trying to get to the bottom of the controversy over…Deli Meat. Roast Beef can sleep easy tonight. Bo is on the case.
BO, PLUG-A-TATING THE BEEF-A-TATION
6:55:12a.m. – ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger’ is in the studio with us this morning. The I-Man weighs in on the appearance: “I’ve read your bits. They both suck.” ‘Arnold’ replies: “Well, you already did two lines from them.” “Um…yes I did.” “F*&% you, a#*hole...I’ll be back.”
7:05:12 a.m. – Wyatt has a new Roping Horse, ‘Red Cloud’, named after the Ogala Sioux Chief, as opposed to ‘Red Cloud’, the Exotic Dancer at the ‘Pink Pony’ Gentleman’s Club in Huntsville, Texas.
“WHITE MAN COME, MAKE RAIN WITH DOLLAR BILLS”
7:10:24 a.m. – Imus: “The greatest restaurant on the planet is ‘Double Daves’ in Huntsville. All you can eat salad, and they make ANY kind of pizza.” It gives you some kind of insight into the I-Man’s somewhat hermit-like lifestyle, when the concept of a ‘salad bar’ blows his culinary mind.
DOUBLE DAVE’S: THE ‘LUTECE’ OF HUNTSVILLE
7:16:24 a.m. – I-Man bought himself a White Diamond Escalade. He hasn’t gotten the 22’s, or the Spinners yet, but he was pumping Biggie through the 36 inch subwoofers in the back.
I-MAN BE ROLLIN’ WITH THE HOMIES
7:18:06 a.m. – Warner has been corrupted. He now uses the word ‘Hosed’. Of course, he uses it in the context of watering a flower bed.
WARNER ‘HOSING’ MRS. WOLF
7:20:13 a.m. – Imus: “NAT! It’s so cold in the studio, you can hang meat in here!” We keep it that way because we don’t want you decomposing, I-Man. Your expiration date was back in the ‘90’s.
IMUS IN HIS ABBOUD JACKET ON A WARM DAY
7:22:19 a.m. – The Boss explains he got the EXL version of the Escalade. He liked the short model better, but he needed the extra room for Deirdre, Wyatt, the dogs, his My Pillows, his doctors, all his oxygen paraphernalia, and, of course, his posse.
THE I-MAN POSSE. HE BE ROLLIN’ 20 DEEP
7:27:12 a.m. – The I-Man introduces a new sponsor, ‘Hot Rocks’, an all-natural, libido enhancing supplement that Deirdre recommends highly. We knew she had to be taking something to help ‘get her in the mood.’
NOT THE ‘HOT ROCKS’ WE REFERRED TO. THIS IS A PHOTO OF THE I-MAN’S SPINE
7:38:06 a.m. – Martha McCallum is on, who shows some interest in the aforementioned ‘Hot Rocks’ product. One thing’s for sure, her husband wouldn’t need any to get him interested. If Chamonix was smart, they’d put HER in the bottle. EVERYBODY will wind up with an Arnold Schwarzenegger style libido.
“NO, REALLY, IT’S JUST A COLD SORE.”
8:09:02 a.m. – Imus announces that he is making this very fine ‘Behind the Scenes’ blog available for those of you who have not yet become ‘Imus Insiders’. Well, welcome aboard, bitches…sit down, strap in and shut up. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride for the next couple of days. But first, a primer on what you need to know to enjoy this blog to the fullest:
MICHAEL GRAHAM RON WHITE
AS FUNNY AS DEAD PUPPIES UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE AT THE ORPHANAGE
A DRUNK, SULLEN, MOODY, IMMENSELY TALENTED, A$$HOLE
DESIGNER, JOSEPH ABBOUD
TWO GUESSES WHERE THE GERBIL IS.
8:13:44 a.m. - Imus on Lindsay Lohan, ‘How do you get that messed up? I peed in one phone booth, but that was about it.” As if you had to pee in a lot of phone booths to make an impression. Perhaps if there wasn’t a woman using that phone booth at the time, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but, nevertheless…
6TH AND 52ND STREET, CIRCA 1978
“HEY, MAKE YOUR CALL SOMEWHERE ELSE, MY BACK TEETH ARE FLOATING”
8:14:11 a.m. – Imus humps Bill O’Reilly’s appearance tomorrow morning. He will be on promoting his new book, KILLING KENNEDY, which Imus has not yet finished reading, although he says it’s ‘fabulous’! We don’t have the heart to tell him that JFK dies in the end.
“THIS O’REILLY GUY REALLY CAN WRITE…WAIT A MINUTE!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT A LOUSY ENDING!”
8:17:12 a.m. – Warner reports that Jerry Jones is opening a ‘Virginia’s Secret Store’ in Cowboys Stadium. Uh…Warner? That would be ‘VICTORIA’S’ secret. Trust us, you wouldn’t want to buy ANYTHING from a ‘Virginia’s Secret’ store.
THIS IS VIRGINIA. SOME SECRETS ARE BETTER LEFT…A SECRET
8:37:39 a.m. - Our guest is Tom Friedman, whom Imus has promoted, all morning, as a guest that nobody likes. No, that would be Michael Graham, Ron White and Joseph Abboud. Mr. Friedman is on to discuss the turmoil in the Middle East. He goes out on a limb and says the situation over there is ‘Bad’. This is the kind of in-depth analysis you won’t find anywhere else, folks. If the Jews and the Palestinians ever make nice, this guy will be selling Falafels on the corner of 52nd and 6th.
“HEY FRIEDMAN, WHEN’S YOUR NEXT BOOK COMING OUT?”
AND, AS WE DO, EVERY DAY, HERE ON THE BLOG, WE PROVIDE A
‘VIDEO OF THE DAY’
SOMETHING AMUSING THAT WILL SUM UP THE ‘MOOD’ OF THE MORNING,
OR JUST SOMETHING THAT WE FIND FUNNY
TODAY, IN HONOR OF THE BODYBUILDER, ACTOR, POLITICIAN
AND CERTIFIED DIRTBAG SOCIOPATH,