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    Friday
    Nov212014

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Weighing in on Obama’s New Immigration Plan, the I-Man reveals that, ever since he was able to pay people to work for him, he has been asked to pay them off the books.  Something that he has NEVER done.  Except, of course, the Cocaine Dealers.  After that one time when he mistakenly wrote him checks.

     

    6:07:14 a.m. – Happy Birthday to Leslie Slender, our Promotions Director and the Promotions Director for ALL the New York Cumulus Stations, and one of the BEST people we’ve ever worked with.  It don’t hurt that The Girl is also a Snappy Dish.  If that’s what the Late 30’s looks like…sign us up for that!  Um…okay, it might be about 20 years too late for us for that…  

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE BUG!  WE GOT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING…BUT WE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO WRAP IT.  IT’S THE NEW ‘SEXIEST MAN ALIVE’, CHRIS HEMSWORTH…HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HIM ‘BRINGING THOR’S HAMMER’ WITH HIM.  WE GUESS THAT’S WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING IT THESE DAYS. WHAT HE DOESN’T KNOW, IS THAT HE’S THE ONE WHO’S GETTING THE PRESENT

    6:38:08 a.m. – Anthony Mason, a man who is one of the I-Man’s most favorite people to talk to, brings up Jimmy Page, (Who, we understand, played guitar on the track for the James Bond Theme ‘Goldfinger’)  …a man for whom Dagen is quite fond…and by ‘quite fond’ we mean, she’s perving on the Led Zeppelin Guitarist…she says  “His music could cause her to ‘Make that Noise’.”    Which is a relief, at least it’s his music, and not the way he looks…

     

    JIMMY PAGE:  GOOD THING HE CAN PLAY GUITAR.  IF THIS ANCIENT, DECREPIT, ‘MR. MIYAGI FROM KARATE KID LOOK’ WAS WHAT MADE DAGEN ALL HOT AND BOTHERED…WE’D HAVE TO TAKE HER OUT OF OUR ‘BUBBLE’

    6:42:08 a.m. – Mr. Mason also talks about Glen Campbell, and how most people are unaware that he’s one of the session guys from the group known as ‘The Wrecking Crew’, who played on almost the majority of the hit singles of the 60’s.  Unfortunately now, Glen suffers from Alzheimer’s disease.  Although most people are unaware that he’s one of the session guys from the group known as ‘The Wrecking Crew’, who played on almost the majority of the hit singles of the 60’s. 

     

    GLEN CAMPBELL.  BY THE TIME HE GETS TO PHOENIX…HE’LL BE REALLY LOST

    7:05:26 a.m. –  Ashley Webster is not happy about the President’s Immigration Plan, having been an immigrant himself, and went through all the legal channels to come here to America.  Which…isn’t really all that impressive…it’s not like he could’ve swam across the Atlantic Ocean like it was the Rio Grande.

    ASHLEY SNEAKING INTO THE COUNTRY

    7:12:24 a.m. –  The I-Man comments on how good Bernie looks this morning.  Repeatedly.  Which is not disturbing because it appears that the Boss is feeling ‘The Love That Dare Not Speak His Name’…but that he thinks a chicken-necked, bald headed guy is actually handsome.  He must also love him some Frank Perdue.

     

    FRANK PERDUE…ON THE RIGHT

    7:32:10 a.m. –  VINNIE FROM QUEENS  A discussion of moving in the Citifield Fences in, so the Mets can hit more Home Runs.  It’s not like any other team had a problem hitting home runs with where the fences are now.  Still, we think moving them to behind 2nd Base is a little much, although it would save them a lot of money in payroll, not having to pay outfielders, which, now that we get to thinking about it, would be moot, because it still wouldn’t help Curtis Granderson.  He’d still go 0 for The Month of July.

    IT’S GETTING BETTER, CURTIS…THAT ONE ALMOST ROLLED OUT OF THE INFIELD.  MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST THROW  IT INSTEAD OF TRYING TO HIT IT.”

    8:03:06 a.m. –  There’s nothing better than watching the I-Man eat oatmeal.  Except watching Mama June eat Macaroni Salad.

    HOPEFULLY, YOU’RE NOT EATING WHILE YOU’RE READING THIS

    8:16:16 a.m. –  Ashley Webster has become a Comedy Critic, saying that although he thinks the Larry Flynt character Rob does is funny, he, as is Warner,  not a fan of the ‘Elephant Man.’  Ashley goes so far as to say, “It’s a one joke premise”.    Hey, Ringo…you’ve been with the program 20 minutes, and already you’re critiquing what we do?  Worry about what the market does before you weigh in on Comedy Material.  We don’t come upstairs and slap the Wall Street Journal out of your hands, do we?   Stick to Business and stay out of Show Business, okay, Crumpet Face?  Oh, and while we’re at it, we want to wish you a Happy Fourth of July a little early this year.   Light a Roman Candle for us, you Limey Loser. 

     

    WE LOVE ASHLEY WEBSTER.  ALTHOUGH WE FIND HIS JOBS REPORTS  A LITTLE ‘ONE NOTE’.

    8:36:32 a.m. –  Arthur Aidala opens his guest appearance on the program, by saying he’s happy that P.C. Richards is going to remain closed on Thanksgiving.  He believes that corporate greed is destroying the fabric of American families…especially in Urban Areas.  We expect him to say that…because he’s a defense attorney.  He knows that a group of relatives, tightly seated around a table in a very small room, where copious amounts of alcohol are consumed…is good for business.

    THANKSGIVING DAY.  OTHERWISE KNOWN AS ‘AIDALA’S 401 K’

    8:46:00 a.m. – Arthur also discusses Bill Cosby, and how he would defend him…(Remember, he defended Lawrence Taylor.)  He’d tell Cosby to disappear, and then be the one answering all the questions, taking all the heat.  He’d also sit in with ‘Fat Albert and The Cosby Kids, filling in for Bill on the Trash Can Drums.

    ARTHUR, FAT ALBERT, AND THE COSBY KIDS PLAYING ONE OF THEIR BIG HITS:  “DOES THIS RAG SMELL LIKE CHLOROFORM TO YOU?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    One of Bill Cosby’s Forays Into The Musical Genre

    From His Album ‘Disco Bill’

     

    The Hit Song:  “Whatchya Think About Lickin’ My Chicken?”

    (If He’d Only Choked It, He Wouldn’t Be In This Mess)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGYeDakoK1Q 

     

    A Photo of Cos’ Taking His Cock Out

    Thursday
    Nov202014

    So Many Barbies

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man says that if somebody had told him when he saw Dick Gregory in 1963 at the Playboy Club in Chicago, that one day he would be actually be FRIENDS the legendary, ground-breaking comedian…or with Iconic TV Host Dick Cavett, for that matter...he wouldn’t have believed it. 

     

    6:07:14 a.m. – The story about Billboard adding ‘Streaming Services’ and Downloads to the formula when they put together the ‘Billboard 200’, makes the I-Man think of Claude Hall, who had a column called ‘Vox Jox’.  He was also responsible for picking the winners of the Billboard DJ of the Year Awards, and, when the Boss was in Cleveland, he received one for Major Market DJ of the Year.   In CLEVELAND.  Beating out every DJ in L.A., New York and Chicago, which, apparently, was the spark that brought the I-Man to New York…and, as they say… “The Rest is History.”   Thanks, Claude.  Thanks a lot. 

    CLAUDE HALL: THE MAN WHO MADE ‘THE MAN’ AND DOESN’T EXACTLY LOOK LIKE A GUY YOU’D TRUST TO WATCH YOUR DOG WHEN YOU WENT ON VACATION.  BUT THE KIND OF GUY WHO LIVES IN HIS MOTHER’S BASEMENT, PLAYING WARCRAFT, AND EATIN’ PUDDIN’.   (AND IS STILL A VIRGIN…WELL, TECHNICALLY, UNLESS SPANKIN’ IT TO STAR TREK VIDEOS COUNTS…ALTHOUGH, WE HAVE TO ADMIT…THAT LIEUTENANT UHURA IS F.I.N.E.  SMOKIN’!)

    6:38:08 a.m. –  The Great Dick Gregory is on to talk about the Redskins changing their name;  Ferguson, and Bill Cosby.  Although the man is brilliant, we’re not sure if he thinks that the ‘Skins’ should change their name to ‘Ferguson’ or ‘Bill Cosby’.   He just turned 82, and says his memory isn’t what it used to be…but the upside is that ‘He’s always meeting new people’, and can now ‘Hide his own Easter Eggs.’   Not THAT’S funny!  The man’s ‘still got it.’

    “YOU KNOW, THE BEST PART ABOUT OLD AGE IS, I CAN HIDE MY OWN EASTER EGGS…NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I CAN HIDE MY OWN EASTER EGGS.”

    7:05:10a.m. – We get the news that Mike Nichols, the genius comic mind and brilliant director has died ‘suddenly’ at the age of 83.   We don’t know how ‘sudden’ an 83 year old dies but…we mourn the loss nonetheless.  And we are buoyed by the notion that…we only have nine more years left to wait.

    NICHOLS AND MAY…WHO, UNLIKE SOME COMEDIANS WE KNOW, ARE STILL FUNNY AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS

    7:18:36 a.m. –  Dagen does a story about American Hogs, and how they are now, literally, ‘Too Fat’ to serve as ‘Spiral Sliced Hams’.  Leave it to America…to have Morbidly Obese PIGS…  

    “HEY!  DOES THIS SLOP MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?”

    7:21:24 a.m. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE WALSH!  66 years old today, which is pretty serendipitously symmetrical, in that ‘66’ is the first year that he doesn’t remember.

    JOE WALSH:  LIFE’S BEEN GOOD TO HIM…SO FAR.

    7:41:27 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING   They discuss the fact that they are making a more ‘realistic’ Barbie.  Which doesn’t affect Gunz…because they are not doing the same thing to Blow Up Dolls.  Barbie on the other hand…we suppose is more realistic because its ass is three times the size, and constantly bitches at Ken to take out the garbage at the Dream House

    BARBIE AND HER SHORT, FAT, OLDER SISTER.  (WHO’S ALSO NAMED ‘BARBIE’)

    7:44:32 a.m. –   As EVERYONE in the free world is talking about, the panel discusses the Kim Kardashian Internet Photos of her oiled up, naked…booty.  Alan has a problem with these photos.  Which makes us believe that Alan is…asexual. 

    TELEVISION PERSONALITY, LIBERAL PUNDIT, STAND UP COMEDIAN  AND ACTOR, THE ANDROGYNOUS ALAN COLMES

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man weighs in on the Brilliance of Alan Colmes, which is obvious to anyone who watches or listens to The Mensa Meeting…and says that Bill O’Reilly doesn’t give Alan enough respect… that O’Reilly has acted like an “@&&hole” to Alan.  Probably, he says, because he’s “Having his period.” 

    FOR THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU NEED ‘EXTRA PROTECTION’ FROM THE LIBERALS

    8:37:04 a.m. –  Monica Crowley is on…fire!  That girl is H.O.T. …dreamy!   But the only problem is…she speaks…which…kinda ruins things.  She is slightly to the right of IL DUCE.   (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)…but she’s also Bat Dookie Crazy.  She is the sister in law of the aforementioned Alan Colmes, which means…conversation at the Family Thanksgiving Table must be particularly…um… ‘spirited’.  “So…Monica…when are you going down to Alphabet City to kick the Homeless People?”  “Right after you get back from bringing turkey down to the Immigration Center to feed the illegals.”  

    MONICA CROWLEY:  “RIGHT WING BARBIE”.  WE WOULD CLEAN HER DREAM HOUSE ON OUR KNEES, WITH OUR TONGUES…JUST TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR SHE DOES…ALTHOUGH WE WOULD HAVE TO BRING A STRAIGHTJACKET WITH US.

    8:42:09a.m. – Imus tells Monica to stop calling him ‘Don’.  He insists she refer to him as ‘The I-Man’.  Which is not quite what she was calling him back in the Green Room…words that,  because this is a ‘Family Blog’, we cannot print here.

    HARSH WORDS, MONICA…HARSH WORDS.

    8:44:19 a.m. – Imus asks her what she thinks of People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, Chris “Mighty Thor” Hemsworth.  She says that she thinks Ralph Fiennes is hot.  But she once met George Clooney…and actually drooled.  As opposed to the I-Man…who drools no matter WHO’S in the room.

    SORRY BABS…IT’S NOT BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU’RE ‘HOT’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A TRIBUTE TO THE LATE, GREAT, MIKE NICHOLS, WHO, WITH ELAINE MAY, PERFORMED SOME OF THE MOST CLASSIC COMEDY SKETCHES IN TELEVISION HISTORY:

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0vSLIO7m20

    Wednesday
    Nov192014

    We Like Big Butts and We Cannot Lie

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man wants to know where the Keystone XL Pipeline got its name.  Ashley Webster attempts to answer the query, and then, Dagen steps in to Bitch Slap the Brit, correcting him on one or two of the more minor points.  She’s nothing if not a stickler for accuracy.  Ashley smiles benignly, while, behind his eyes, you can clearly see that he’s thinking about going all ‘Bunker Hill on the Hillbilly’s Ass’. 

    “ALLRIGHT, CHAPS!  DON’T SHOOT ‘TIL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF HER EYES!”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Imus relates that the folks on ‘The Five’ had Rob O’Neill as a guest, and Eric Bolling asked the former Navy Seal who assassinated Bin Laden, “Did you kill any other people?”   “Um…yes.” Answers the American Hero.  The question is like asking a baker… “Did you ever bake another loaf of bread?”   YES, he’s killed other people, you moron.  And he’s about to kill one more for asking stupid questions.

    “WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK ME, BOLLING?  DO YOU WANT ME TO CRUSH YOUR ADAM’S APPLE WITH MY THUMB?”

    6:14:36 a.m. – Bret Stephens is on to promote his new book, America in Retreat: The New Isolationism and the Coming Global Disorder.   The I-Man weighs the options… “Get Waterboarded…or read the book?”    We decided we’ll just wait for the movie.  We’re pretty positive Matthew McConnaughey will be in it.

     ALRIGHT , ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,  IT LOOKS TO US AS IF MATTHEW HAS MORE THAN JUST A “GLOBAL” DISORDER

    6:38:08 a.m. –  Mike Baker is on, we assume, to scare the living s#@t out of everybody.  He discusses Al Qaeda, ISIS, KAOS, SPECTRE, THRUSH and every other evil organization out to destroy the world. However, he fails to frighten us, as we are secure in the knowledge that, as long as he is near, and has a piano wire, all is well in the Free World.  The only way to deal with terrorists, is to sacrifice the ‘Middle C’ on your piano keyboard.

    FROM BAKER’S FIRST BOOK: ‘TECHNIQUES FOR BLOODLESS SANCTIONS’

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Connell reports the story about 70% of the New Yorkers surveyed who said they approve of the new, much more lenient, Police Policy regarding Marijuana Possession in New York.  Which prompts the I-Man to observe, “If you’re going to do drugs…show some guts!   People who smoke Marijuana are…idiots.”   Actually, they’re ‘Dopes’.  Which is why they call it that in the first place.  You smoke Reefer to get ‘Dopey’.

    DOPEY SMOKE DOPE.  BEFORE HE DID, HE WAS ‘GRUMPY’

    “M.I.C…um…M…I…see…I see little tiny galaxies under my fingernails…uh… DAMN!  THIS  IS SOME ILL CHRONIC, YO!”

    WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE HIM ‘GOOFY’ IN THE FIRST PLACE?

    7:32:10 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE    Deirdre shows her unnecessarily enhanced butt.   She’s used some Hiney Pads to accent the gluteal region, to which Connell calls her, “Mark Levin in Spanx”.  Deirdre’s convinced Lis to do the same thing…oh.  Sorry.  No she didn’t.  That’s Lis’ real booty.  Damn, girl!  You could make Kim Kardashian jealous.

    WE LIKE BIG BUTTS AND WE CANNOT LIE…   LIS WIEHL GOT BACK!

    7:41:24 a.m. – The subjects are varied: The new definition of ‘Feminism’, students not eating the new ‘Healthy’ Lunches…and a Fresno State Student having sex with a sheep.  {We assume Lanolin makes for superior lubrication.)  Lis takes the bleeding heart, Namby-Pamby position on all the topics…while Deirdre says it’s all Obama’s fault for everything.  Even the sex with the sheep thing.  Because Obamacare would cover the Animal Rapist’s STDs, but not the Pre-Natal OB/GYN visits for the sheep.

    CLEARLY, THIS WASN’T THE SHEEP’S ‘FIRST TIME AROUND THE BARN’

    8:06:32 a.m. – Happy Birthday to Dick Cavett!  Richard is 77 today, but has the mind of a 76 year old.  He is the most brilliant man we know.  And we would send him a card, but we are just afraid that he would send it back, correcting the spelling and grammar…AND list of Anagrams he made out of the words ‘Happy Birthday Mr. Cavett (The BEST of which, is ‘Vibrated Crappy Hat Myth’.  As Tallulah Bankhead would say, “Congratulations, Dear Boy…may you live forever…and so you shall…”

    IF YOU DON’T THINK THIS MAN ISN’T THE SMARTEST, FUNNIEST, MOST LOVABLE MAN ON THE PLANET…THEN YOU DON’T KNOW DICK.

    8:27:54  a.m. –  Bernie has a story about a New Jersey Cop who, when he pulls cars over, approaches the vehicle with…his ‘Nightstick’ hanging out.  He then asks the drivers if they notice that his fly was down.  We believe this behavior would  be a felony, if it weren’t for the size of the Officer’s weiner,  which, essentially, makes it a ‘Misdemeanor’.    

    OFFICER ‘DICK JOHNSON’ MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT USING A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO HELP HIM FIND ‘IT’

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Bret Stephens is on to promote his new book, the title of which, we forgot, but it’s long, and if you want to know, scroll up, we’re too tired to do it ourselves.  Whatever.  Besides, you know you’re not gonna read it anyway.  You should be concerned, as we are, that the man spells his first name with only ONE ‘T’…and his last name with the ‘Non-Heterosexual PH’, instead of the preferred, ‘He-Man V’.  Imus asks him what the difference is between ISIS and Al Qaeda.  Mr. Stephens says that “Al Qaeda is the ‘Gateway Drug’ to ISIS.”  So all you parents with terrorist children, take note.  You need to have a discussion with them about taking their radical philosophy to extremes.  It’s a slippery slope.  One minute, they’re planning a nice little Jihad against the ‘Great Satan’, next thing you know, they’re trying to take over the Entire Middle East.  Plan more ‘Family Time’…have dinner together…be interested in what they are doing pay attention to the music they listen to, and decide whether or not it’s appropriate.  If they have ‘Run T.N.T.’ or ‘Mama Said Blow You Up’ on their iPod, you might have a problem.  You should monitor their online time and usage of ‘Social Media’…encourage them to participate in ‘Intramural Terrorism.’   A few minutes today, might save you hours of worldwide destruction of your own terrorist organization.

    AWWW…THOSE ASSASSINS ARE SO CUTE WHEN THEY’RE LITTLE…IT’S SO TRUE: ‘THEY BLOW UP SO FAST’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     AS AN EXAMPLE FOR WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SMOKE WEED, BECAUSE IT’S A ‘GATEWAY’ DRUG, WE PRESENT SOUTH PARK’S  ‘TOWELIE’, AND HIS ROAD TO REHAB

    DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!

     

    (BTW…We think it’s somewhat ironic, that, when you used to smoke  dope in your dorm room, you would put a rolled up towel under your door…which, technically, makes you a ‘pusher’)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSEkfqlDilU

    Tuesday
    Nov182014

    Smokin Hot Doc

    6:03:06 a.m. –    “A kid at the Roping this past weekend asked me if I was Dwight Yoakum.” An amused Imus tells us just before the program begins.  The question is…who should be more offended?  Him?  Or Dwight Yoakum.

    UM…WAS THIS KID…BLIND?

    6:05:10 a.m. –    It’s Wes Bowmaster’s birthday!  Who is Wes Bowmaster you ask?  He’s one of the Real Cowboys out at the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer.  And, according to the I-Man, he’s 92.  (He’s actually 56…but it Ranch Years, he’s 92)

    WE KID YOU NOT, WHEN YOU GOOGLE ‘WES BOWMASTER’, THESE ARE AMONG THE IMAGES YOU WILL FIND.  WE’RE NOT SURE WHICH ONE IS THE REAL WES, BUT WE PRAY TO JESUS IT’S NOT THE GUY IN THE DIAPER

    6:11:22 a.m. – The I-Man went to have his ‘Stent’ removed yesterday, that was placed, much like a catheter, into his junk, to expedite the passage of his Kidney Stone.  Apparently, his Urologist, Dr. Joseph Del Pizzo, is, in Imus’ words, “Startlingly Handsome.”   Does wearing those Chinese Bicycle Shorts make you turn gay?  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that…unless you’re going to ride the bicycle without a seat)  We’re just not so sure you should be calling the man who has his hands on your penis…handsome.  Or, for that matter, making eye contact with him.  (“I thought we had a moment there…)

    DR. DEL PIZZO.  SMOKIN’ HOT.  ACCORDING TO DAGEN.  AND THE I-MAN

    6:12:24 a.m. – The procedure of the stent removal involved a needle injection…into ‘Big Roy’.  I-Man’s junk.  The nurse comes in with the syringe… “You’re not gonna stick that in Big Roy, are ya?” he asks, pointing to his penis.   “That?” she muses.  “That’s not Big Roy.”   What was she implying?  That it was “Big Roy’s” little brother?

    “YOU MIGHT FEEL A ‘LITTLE PRICK’…WHICH I’M SURE YOUR WIFE IS USED TO BY NOW.”

    6:38:08 a.m. – The I-Man and Father Jonathan Morris discuss ‘Prosperity’ and The Lord, ironic, as Father Jonathan believes Imus’ prosperity is the ‘Work of the Devil’.  Back in the Green Room, he asks us if we’ve “Seen the contract”.    The Boss refers to Joel Osteen’s tenet that you should never give up on your dream.    Father Jonathan agrees, as his dream obviously is to wear a 15 dollar haircut.  Imus suggests a Kickstarter Campaign to help the Padre get enough dough to, at least, go  to ‘Supercuts’

    APPARENTLY, ALL RELIGIOUS FIGURES ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE S#*TTY HAIRCUTS

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Dagen reports a story about a Starbucks Boycott that Neil Young is calling for, over the coffee company’s role in a lawsuit agains Vermont over its requirements to label genetically modified ingredients in food.  Dagen calls the Rock Legend… ‘An old fool’   The I-Man is offended by that comment, even though he gets a 5 dollar residual everytime somebody uses the term, as it was trademarked for him a number of years ago  .    

    OLD FOOL TM

    7:13:26 a.m. –  The I-Man calls us ‘Haters’ because we are less than complimentary to Dice Clay, who, Imus has dubbed ‘Brilliant’.  He maintains that we don’t like anybody who we think is funnier than we are.  Which is a blatant untruth, as we are BIG fans of Jay Mohr, Colin Quinn, Larry the Cable Guy, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Dave Chappelle, and ANY of the comics we feature on the ‘Video of the Day’.  We have no problem with liking people we think are funny.  And we don’t discriminate…we like people who are NOT funny.  We love you, Imus.

    THIS IS WHY IMUS THINKS DICE IS BRILLIANT.  HE INVENTED THE ‘SHANTS’…SHORTS THAT ARE AS LONG AS PANTS.  LOOKIN’ GOOD, DICE, LOOKIN’ GOOD.  EVEN ROB WOULDN’T WEAR THAT.  AND HE DRESSES LIKE A HOMELESS IMMIGRANT

    7:32:10 a.m. –  HOLLYWOOD & VINE  Featuring, Deirdre, Dagen, Reidel and Powell.  Dagen is lookin’ good in that purple dress.  Good thing Reidel didn’t wear his this morning.  Tony wishes Reidel a ‘Happy Movember’…as he thought Reidel would’ve grown a beard…although it might be redundant.

    REIDEL SPORTING ONE OF HIS ‘BEARDS’

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man goes to Ashley Webster…who has…nothin’.   He admits his lack of having anything significant or relevant to report.  So Imus asks him about living in Nashville for 10 years, where he was a News Anchor, and STILL roots for the Titans.  As we said…nothing significant or relevant to report.  Just sit there and say dirty things with that British Accent, in low tones, while Dagen conjures you in her ‘Bubble’, Ashley.  

    “DO YOU WANT ME TO ‘BEND YOU LIKE BECKHAM, DAGEN?”

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Mary Matalin is on.  And she’s sober.  Imus complains that Mary’s Phone sounds like it was one of those Sports Illustrated Football Phones, and she says it’s her iPhone 6.  “Maybe it’s just too big for my little mouth”.  That’s what she said.  And something that the I-Man has never heard said to him.

    SHE’S RIGHT.  THAT’S DEFINITELY TOO BIG FOR HER LITTLE MOUTH

    8:46:00 a.m. – Imus asks Mary if James, her husband, (Carville, that is) will be “Stuffing that Turkey in that ‘special’ way.”  Mary doesn’t get the joke.  She thinks he’s talking about a ‘Turducken’.   Which is a turkey stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken.  And what you might want to call what Deirdre will make for Thanksgiving.  A ‘Tofurkey’…which, from what we hear, tastes like…a turd.

    A TURDUCKEN.  NOW WE KNOW WHY DEIRDRE IS A VEGAN.  JEEEZIS.  IT LOOKS LIKE ROADKILL THAT CAME BACK TO LIFE

    8:54:00 a.m. – Dr. Bill says the weather is going to be COOOOOOOOLLLLLD tonight.   He suggests that the I-Man “Bring the cactus in from the terrace.”   Imus says that “(He) has people to do that.”   He also has people to ‘Bring in The Firewood’, people to ‘Push the Button on the Elevator’, and people to ‘Wipe the Yogurt Off His Chin’.   It’s good to be the King.  And, rather fortuitous for the Boss that, there will also be ‘People’ to do that for him when Deirdre and Wyatt finally stick him in the Nursing Home.  We know, she says she’s not going to do that.  But she also told her parents:  “He’s just a friend, it’s not like I’m going to marry him…”

    “HEY!  WIPER DUDE!  MOUTH!  SHIRT!  C’MON!  LET’S GET BUSY HERE!”

    9:05:10 a.m. – Coincidentally, the Boss relates that he got water on his shirt, and reveals that he seems to have a problem with food getting on him.  Just yesterday, he took off his jacket to find a “Glob of Yogurt” on his shirt.   Um…didn’t you visit the “Smokin’ Hot Dr. Del Pizzo” yesterday?  So…are you SURE it’s just yogurt?

    YOGURT IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.  THE I-MAN SPILLS SO MUCH COFFEE ON HIMSELF, CARLEY COULD SAVE HERSELF A TRIP TO STARBUCKS AND JUST SQUEEZE THE CONTENTS OF HIS SHIRT BACK INTO THE CUP

    9:16:32 a.m. –  Warner is talking about Robert Griffin III, but has a problem saying ‘RG3’.   Instead, it comes out like “MGD”  which is Miller Genuine Draft, which may be what Warner’s drinking in between Sportscasts.  Before you know it, RG3 will be “R2D2”.

    “HEY, R2!  GO LONG!  TO A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY!

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ANOTHER COMEDIAN WE LIKE

    BRIAN REGAN

     WITH A BIT ABOUT A TRIP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

    WHERE, WE HOPE, THERE WASN’T A HANDSOME DOCTOR WAITING FOR HIM.

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP4zgb9H3Cg 

    Monday
    Nov172014

    Can't Hear

    6:05:10 a.m. –    “My hearing aids went out over the weekend.   And it was one of the best weekends of my life, because I couldn’t hear those two crazy`people I live with bitchin’ at me.”  Unfortunately, for Deirdre and Wyatt, their hearing is fine.  So they had to listen to miles and miles of stories of him hanging off a Boxcar when he used to work for the railroad. 

    “WHAT?  WHAT?  ‘MORE A  DOOR ON?’  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?”

    6:04:14 a.m. – Rob and the I-Man discuss fashion.  “Is that a new shirt?” the Boss asks.  “Yes.”   “Why?”   “Um…it’s flannel and it’s cold outside?  It’s stylish?  It’s slimming?  Okay, it’s flannel and it’s cold outside?”

    WOW.  THAT FLANNEL REALLY IS SLIMMING.  NO WONDER LESBIANS WEAR IT ALL THE TIME

    6:14:08 a.m. –  The I-Man has to have his stent removed.  Where’s the stent?  You don’t want to know.  How are they doing to take it out?   You don’t want to know that either.  We’ll just tell you this:  It involves ‘Big Roy’…and some brisk pulling.  And not the kind of pulling ‘Big Roy’ is used to.  Suffice to say, with the stint out, ‘Big Roy’ sounded much like a slide whistle.

    ‘BIG ROY’ PLAYS A SOLO

    6:20:40 a.m. – Imus reveals that Brant and the Fox Security Guard walk him to the studio from the limo, and, in the rain, they use umbrellas…to cover themselves.  Not him.  Which is risky, especially when you consider what water did to the Wicked Witch of the West.

    SAME FATE.  SAME STUPID HAT.

    6:40:44a.m. – Bo ‘The Truth’ Dietl, (As now this is how he wants to be known…we don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s also the nickname of a boxer, Carl, ‘The Truth’ Williams. Never heard of him?  Exactly.)  He is railing about Obamacare, full on, head exploding, pontificating, ranting and raving…which, now that he’s been satirized by Stephen Colbert…he will do every Monday in hopes that he becomes a regular feature on the Colbert Report.  Where, he must believe, that he will eventually make guest appearances, where, no doubt, he will be reserved, respectful, and articulate.  We also are thinking about Health Care, as we are concerned that Bo is about two more Obama references before one of his valves bursts through his chest like the thing in Alien.  He waxes poetic, saying that ‘The Roosters have come home to Roost.’    Um…don’t you mean the ‘Chickens have come home to roost?’  You know, as articulated by Malcolm X?  Or does your deal with Arby’s preclude you from mentioning ‘chicken’ due to a conflict of interest with ‘Popeye’s’.

    SOMEBODY MUST’VE JUST SAID:  ‘YOU CAN KEEP YOUR OWN DOCTOR’

    7:03:10 a.m. –  Imus tells us that Dagen takes her dog, Ramon, for a one hour walk, twice a day.  Surely a dog that weighs only 13 pounds doesn’t have enough pee or poop to warrant TWO hours outside.  Seems like a waste of time to us, no matter how sluggish his peristalsis might be, as seeing as how living on the 53rd Floor of her Apartment building, all Dagen has to do is hang him out the window on  a leash.  Oh…he’ll go.  And quick.

    RAMON:  “PLEASE, MAMA, NOT OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN!  I’LL REMEMBER TO PUT THE SEAT DOWN ON THE TOILET, I PROMISE!”

    7:08:16 a.m. – Remarking that Joel Osteen’s message is ‘Never Give Up Your Dream’, the I-Man makes a reference to MyPillow inventor, Michael Lindell, who persisted and persevered, even when people told him his was crazy to think about selling a revolutionary concept in pillows.  Um…Boss?  We’re all about pursuing dreams, but…Michael Lindell was a Crackhead.  They tend to be just a tad…obsessive.  They don’t give up on ANYTHING.  We saw a crackhead trying to sell Betamax tapes on the street the other day to get money to buy some rock.    If that’s not a real ‘Go-Getter’, we don’t know what is.  Other than the fact that you couldn’t trust him with the money, he could be a Captain of Industry.

    DAVE CHAPPELLE AS ‘TYRONE BIGGUMS’.  ANOTHER  MAN WHO NEVER GAVE UP ON HIS DREAM

    7:41:24 a.m. MIGHT BE ELVIS  In this edition, Bernie picked all the songs…which means Imus has given up all hope on the segment.  The Falafel guy outside could probably pick 6 better tunes.  The only one to get through is AC/DC’s  ‘It’s a Long Way to the Top’ off their first album.  Although, to be fair, we think Biz Markie should have also made it with…. “Oh baby youuuuuuu….you got what I need….but you say you got your friend…but you say you got your friend.”     Because it’s the only pop song we know of that is about a woman abstaining from sex because she has her…what?  It’s not about a period?  The lyrics are … “But you say HE’S just a friend?”  Oh.  Never mind.

    BIZ.  SHE’S JUST A FRIEND.  WITH ‘BENEFITS’.  YOU KNOW, LIKE HEALTH CARE AND A 401 K.

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The Boss says that he “Drove about two hundred miles in Texas.”  To which Connell adds:  “Without being able to see, or hear.”   I-Man reveals that he almost hit another woman’s truck, as she made a left turn in front of him from the right lane, causing Wyatt and Deirdre to claim that he nearly killed them.  Which is ironic, because, most of the time, when Deirdre is driving, it’s when Imus is outside the car…crossing the street, and she ‘Nearly’ hits him…but doesn’t want to ruin the paintjob on the Rolls.

    “SORRY, HONEY, I DIDN’T SEE YOU…AGAIN.”

    8:06:12a.m. –  “The I-Man giveth and the I-Man taketh away.”  First the ‘Taketh’.   Imus is not interested in things not working on the Net Jet, as on his most recent trip, the bathroom handle on the Citation 10 came off.  Which meant that you could get into the toilet…but perhaps not get out.  We find the whole situation odd, as the Boss doesn’t always get up TO go to the bathroom.  We don’t know why he wouldn’t be able to get out…Deirdre and Wyatt were both with…oh.  Never Mind.  

    “DAMMIT DEIRDRE…WYATT!  OPEN THIS F#@KING DOOR!”

    8:08:16a.m. –  Now the ‘Giveth’.  The I-Man gives props to Tommy Morrison, who is building the roping arena at the Ranch in Brenham.  We are impressed by this work.  We thought Tommy Morrison died shortly after making ‘Rocky 5’.   Nice to know he had a career after boxing.  And that he was the first to put Wheelchair access to a rodeo arena and oxygen breathing stations in the stands.  What?  Not THAT Tommy Morrison?  Oh.  Never mind.

    WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?  HE’S IN BRENHAM, TEXAS BUILDING QUALITY ROPING ARENAS

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Ashley Webster reports that a recent auction for Napoleon Bonaparte’s hat was purchased for 2.4 Million dollars by a Korean Businessman.  Which means that it probably fit.

    ‘KOREAN BUSINESSMAN’ MR. LOO-PI-KA

    8:38:00 a.m. –  On to discuss Rob O’Neill’s speaking openly about his assassinating Osama Bin Laden, Leif Babin, our favorite SEAL, (Which, due to an agreement we made with Mr. Babin, we are contractually obligated to say) is conflicted.  On one hand, he deeply respects keeping the Nation’s secrets…secret.  Which is why he was upset with the Administration’s release of the details of the raid.  However, he also recognizes the importance of giving closure to the families of 911.  We think he’s being particularly cagey.  It’s our position that it was Leif Babin who pulled the trigger.   He took a ‘Long Weekend’ vacation the week of May 2nd, 2011, and he SAYS he went to Mohegan Sun.  We’re not buying it.  The fact that he claims he ‘Purchased the Dirty Turban in the Casino Gift Shop’ seems somewhat suspicious to us. 

     

    BIN LADEN ON KARAOKE NIGHT AT THE ABBOTTABAD HOLIDAY INN, JUST BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE COMPOUND TO ‘WATCH FRIENDS AND TURN IN EARLY’  ON MAY 2ND, 2011

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    DAVE CHAPPELLE AS HIS ADORABLE CRACKHEAD CHARACTER, ‘TYRONE BIGGUMS’, IN THE CLASSIC SKETCH

    ‘FEAR FACTOR’

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m9006YtWBQ