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    Thursday
    Jul312014

    Introducing a New Blog Feature - Comments and Corrections from the I-Man

    Please see I-Man's comments and corrections at end of Blog.

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The program begins with Imus and Warner deep in discussion about Rodeo.  Specifically, Saddle Bronc Riding.  Boy are we jealous we weren’t included in THAT conversation.  They go over the standings, and then, once the important headline is out of the way, he asks “What’s going on in Gaza, Connell?”

    THE PALESTINIAN PROFESSIONAL RODEO ASSOCIATION’S MOST EXCITING EVENT

    6:07:14 a.m. – “You know who’s going to be on with Cavuto again?  GUNZ!  He’s becoming a regular there, he’s a regular here, he’s got his own show, he’s a regular with Warner, he’s a regular with Mark Levin, and he’s got a regular Internet Radio Show.”  The I-Man has done a Henry Higgins –Like transformation.  His Eliza Doolittle is a short, squirrelly, functioning illiterate with a stupid haircut, and turned him into a media sensation.  We guess if a short, squirrelly, functioning illiterate with a fat ass like Kim Kardashian can become a celebrity, anything is possible.

    24 HOURS TO CAVUTO…24 HOURS TO CAVUTO…YEAH…DEFINITELY GOING ON…DEFINITELY GOING ON CAVUTO…

    6:11:22a.m. – The I-Man notices that Connell has had a haircut, which, he believes, looks “Awful”.  You shouldn’t be able to notice you’ve gotten a haircut when you’ve gotten a haircut.  Connell’s is “Too Short”.  More “Coiffure Commentary” from the man who looks like he’s got an 18th Century Powdered Wig on his head.

    “LET THEM EAT ORGANIC CAKE…MADE WITH UNBLEACHED, WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, AGAVE SYRUP AND FRESH GATHERED, FREE-RANGE EGGS.”

    6:16:32a.m. –  Imus asks Dagen if she likes Kenny Chesney.  She responds, “His music…yes.  But I can’t look at him, because he creeps me out.”  Dagen admits that she judges same way the way men judge women:  Whether or not she’d “Bang ‘em.” 

    COULD BE THE REASON WHY DAGEN LIKES HIS MUSIC SO MUCH

    6:40:08 a.m. – Bill Hemmer is on and talks current events like the Presidential Lawsuit, Israeli Conflict…and something else, but we can’t remember because we’re distracted by his ‘Dreaminess.’  We are secure enough in our masculinity to say that we’re not gay, (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) but if we were, we would DEFINITELY ‘Hit That’.  If we were in prison, that is.  And there was soft lighting and Nat King Cole’s ‘Chances Are’ was playing in the background…

    ROB AND TONY (IN WHITEFACE) MAKING A ‘HEMMER SANDWICH’

    7:05:28 a.m. –  The I-Man “Loves me some Kim Bryant and Kevin Magee.”  We agree with him about Kim…she’s a great boss, a sweetheart, and a ‘snappy dish’ to boot.  Kevin, on the other hand, is a great boss, cranky in the morning, and looks like ‘Salesman of the Month’ for Coldwell Banker Real Estate.

    KIM…

    NOT KIM

    7:11:42 a.m. –  Carley says she’s having lunch with Gunz today…but won’t be going to lunch with him anymore.  “Something has come up.” …is her excuse.  We don’t know what she’s referring to, but we’re awful positive it’s not Gunz.

    YES, IT’S MEAT WEEK…AND HIS MEAT IS PRETTY WEAK

    (AT GUNZ HOUSE IT’S ‘COCKTAIL WEENIE WEEK)

    7:12:34 a.m. – Connell reports on the Ebola crisis in Africa.  However, the I-Man wants to talk about the fact that they were playing One Republic at a Mexican Restaurant in Santa Fe.

    “WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS?”  “HEADACHE, NAUSEA, DIAHHREA.”  “DID YOU EAT MEXICAN?”  “NO…I LISTENED TO A ONE REPUBLIC RECORD.”

    7:41:24 a.m. – MENSA MEETING – Begins with the I-Man asking the “Pat Robertson Question”.  The Reverend says that you should forgive a cheating husband the way Jesus forgave you for all your sins.  Alan Colmes is curious as to why anybody would go to Pat Robertson for marital advice, while Deirdre, a deeply spiritual woman, has a somewhat opposing view of Robertson.  And as such, she informs the I-Man,  “If you think you’re going to be licking up on me after you’ve been licking up on someone else…”  We’re sorry…but the image of the I-Man licking up on ANYBODY is somewhat disturbing.  We’ve seen him lick the lid of his yogurt parfait.  

    THE I-MAN.  WOULD YOU WANT THIS ‘LICKIN’ UP’ ON YOU?

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Deirdre and the I-Man talk about the dentist who removed Kid Wrangler Austin’s wisdom tooth.  The Boss, of course, can’t remember her name, and Deirdre says it’s “Doctor Jenkins”.  “What’s her first name?”  “I don’t know.”  “What’s her first name?”  “I JUST TOLD YOU…I DON’T KNOW.”  “So…her first name is ‘I Don’t Know’?  I thought he was on third.”    

    DR. JENKINS.  THERE’S A REASON WHY SHE WEARS A MASK.  SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY TEETH.

    8:17:16 a.m. –  Imus waxes poetic:  “Here we are, sinking into the Abyss of Mediocrity.”  Not exactly “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”  and somewhat bleaker than “My heart leaps up when I behold a rainbow in the sky…” and lacking the alliterative form of “Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers”, or, for that matter, “Na Na Na Na Naaa!  Have Mercy!”

     THE ABYSS.  IT DOESN’T LOOK ALL THAT MEDIOCRE TO US.

    THEN AGAIN, HE LIVES THERE…

    8:38:14 a.m. –  One of Imus’ favorite authors, Hampton Sides, (Not related to the Inn and Suites) the man who wrote “Hell Hound On His Trail”, which was about the pursuit of Martin Luther King Jr. assassin, James Earl Ray, is on to discuss his new book:  “In The Kingdom of Ice”.  This one is about the ill-fated North Pole voyage of The U.S.S. Jeannette, from 1879 to 1882.  That sounds GREAT.  But we think we’ll wait for the movie.  We can’t see reading 480 pages of people eating Seal innards, shooting Polar Bears and standing on deck going, “Jesus, it’s COLD!”  Mr. Sides hails from Santa Fe New Mexico.  He had his own ill-fated voyage.  He traveled nearly 2000 miles to talk to the I-Man, who is currently sitting in a studio 50 miles from his house.  But then again, he’s talking to a man who has about 12% Lung Capacity or decided to build a Ranch for Kids With Cancer 6,175 feet above sea level.

    MR. SIDES TOLD US THE EXPEDITION WAS FROM 1879-1882…WE DON’T KNOW HOW IT CONTINUED FOR ANOTHER YEAR AFTER THE SHIP SANK, BUT MAYBE THE PHOTOGRAPHER GOT HIS FACTS WRONG.  OKAY, SO IT’S NOT EXACTLY A PHOTOGRAPHER, BUT WHOEVER DREW THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY ON ANOTHER BOAT WHICH RETURNED SAFELY.  WHY THEY DIDN’T OFFER LIFEBOATS, WE DON’T KNOW.  WE EXPECT THAT PERHAPS THE ARTIST WAS TOO EXCITED ABOUT RETURNING TO SCRIMSHAW THIS IMAGE AND SELL IT TO ‘OLD SPICE’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    IT TOOK SOME SEARCHING, BUT WE FINALLY WERE ABLE TO LOCATE A MAN WHO GOT A HAIRCUT WORSE THAN CONNELL’S

      

      

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi07Rdf1r4Y

     

    Blog comments and corrections from the I-Man:

    6:40:08 a.m. -
    Johnny Mathis sings Chances Are

    8:17:16 a.m. -
    The phrase is....into an abyss of irrelevancy .... NOT mediocrity. And it was uttered TWO HOURS EARLIER and in a completely different context. A couple more examples of how f**king out of it fatso and four eyes are. Jesus are they lazy f**ks.  The reference to irrelevancy referred to the conversation Warner and I were having (at 6:05:21) that was so pointless it even made my hair hurt. Had I been discussing Rob and Tony's abilities or comedic contributions to this program THEN the word 'mediocrity' would have been more than appropriate.

    Wednesday
    Jul302014

    USA Cares

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man wonders why our first guests are on the program.  He says that Meghan pitches potential interviewees, and he says yes, and she books them, and he forgets.  He remembers that Richard Hopple and Peter Giusti have a non-profit organization called USA CARES that provides funds to support Veterans in transition.  Carley needs to help the Boss learn how to pronounce their names.  It would seem easy:  ‘Richard’ and ‘Peter’.  Oh, you mean, the last names.  “Hopple”…which rhymes with “Topple” and “Giusti” as in “No coffee, Just Tea.”  Here’s another pronunciation for you… “Moe-Ron”

    FROM THE BOOK  TOM BROKAW’S “HOW TO PRONOUNCE ANYTHING EXCEPT THE LETTER L”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Imus mentions that Judge Napolitano, who will be our 830 guest, has lost a ton of weight, but he liked him better when he was fat.  Same goes for Huckabee.  When he was thin, he was hungry all the time and that made him angry.  Rob has found yet another reason not to go on a diet.

    “I LOVE THE GUY ON THE RIGHT!”

    6:14:28 a.m. – I-Man says that his hair this morning looks like “One of those dogs”.  Like those Great Pyrenees they have out at the Ranch, no doubt.

    THE I-MAN IN NEED OF A HAIRCUT…AND A SHAVE…AND A WORMING.

    6:14:28 a.m. – The Boss says that he was ‘Pumping Iron’ in the gym at the Ranch.  He was lifting those 8 and 10 Pound Dumbbells.  We can tell…it’s really paying off.  His pigeon chest is looking much more ‘Pheasant Like’ now.  He keeps it up, he’ll look like an Oven Stuffer Roaster.

    IT WON’T BE LONG BEFORE THE I-MAN WILL BE ABLE TO KICK…THAT GIRL’S ASS

    6:22:44 a.m. –  Bernie Briefing.  A clip of an Air Traffic Controller having some acrimonious words with a pilot, who tells the guy in the Tower he didn’t like his attitude, after the guy in the Tower told him he was on the wrong runway.  This guys’s job is basically, to keep planes from running in to one another, and, for some reason, the pilot found this to be irritating.  The uncomfortable exchange ends with another pilot who overheard the verbal skirmish, with, “Settle Down, Captain Happy.”  This scenario is strikingly familiar.  Somebody irritated with our ‘attitude’, getting cranky, currently at 6000 feet, and we call him ‘Captain Happy’.   Well, at least another word that starts with a ‘C’.

    “DELTA FOUR SEVEN NINER…THIS IS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A HARD LEFT RIGHT ABOUT NOW .”

    “DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO…I’VE BEEN FLYING FOR 30 YEARS”

    6:40:08 a.m. –  The USA Cares people are on, explaining what their charity does, and it’s incredible.  However, we can’t help but get fixated on Mr. Giusti’s Italian Porn Star Moustache.

     

    MR. GIUSTI AT WORK ( L ) , AND AT PLAY ( R )

     (HE LOVES TO BREAK BRICKS AND STOMP MUSHROOMS)

    7:12:42 a.m. –  Imus learns that the entire country of Israel is the size of New Jersey, and so proposes that they make Kansas the new Jewish State.  Why not, they make a helluva brisket.  Except for the fact that Kansians all think Jews have horns and tails.

    THEY’RE ALREADY THERE!

    7:32:34 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE   Or what we like to call  ‘Mexican Birthday Time’ because this is the part of the week when Deirdre beats on Lis like a Piñata. 

    THE BRAWLING BLONDES

    7:41:24 a.m. – When asked about the 28 Lesbian Positions, Lis is surprised there are only 28.  “I can give you 32.”  We’ll be pulling up that image later on today.  Deirdre says that she’s ‘Lived the 50 Shades of Grey’.  Obviously.  She’s seen the I-Man naked.  We read into her statement, and suspect that she’s familiar with the SMBD lifestyle.  The S&M we understand.  She has to be a masochist to be married to a sadist.  But the B&D?  Makes us a little nervous.  The I-Man ties her up…and then forgets where he left her.

    FOR THE I-MAN…IT’S MORE ABOUT THE GAG

    7:42:48 a.m. –  We learn that Lis is still carrying on her ‘Phone Text’ relationship with the ‘Mystery Man’ Imus set her up with.  Still texting after two weeks?  We would have thought they’d have taken the relationship to the next level and actually SPOKEN on the phone.  That’s not even FIRST base.  That’s not even the ‘On Deck’ Circle.  That’s still sitting in the parking lot waiting for the Clubhouse to open.  But then again, Lis is a very prim and proper woman.  She kept her copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in a brown paper bag, like a forty ounce, locked in the same nightstand as the other thing she has a ‘relationship’ with. 

    A PARTICULARLY ROMANTIC EXCHANGE BETWEEN LIS AND HER MYSTERY MAN

    7:45:28 a.m. – The Stephen A. Smith comment is brought up again, and the Blondes both maintain that there’s NEVER a reason when a man should hit a woman.  Of course, there are PLENTY OF REASONS to do it… he should just NEVER do it. 

    HE THREATENED IT, BUT HE NEVER ACTUALLY  SENT ALICE ‘TO THE MOON…BANG, ZOOM!’

    8:06:32 a.m. – I-Man reveals that Joe Beaver let on that the people at his ‘Roping’ didn’t especially care for the Boss’ Radio Playlist.  Apparently, Hayes Carll’s  ‘She Left Me For Jesus’ wasn’t a big hit with the God-Fearing, Christian Cowboy Crowd.  Neither did Kinky Friedman’s ‘They Ain’t Making Jews Like Jesus Any More’.  Or for that matter, NWA’s “F**k the Police”

    THE ANGRY MOB OUTSIDE OF JOE BEAVER’S HORSE TRAILER

    8:22:14 a.m. –  Bernie reads a transcript of the statement made former Buffalo Bills receiver and recent Football Hall of Fame Inductee, Andre Reed, about I-Fave, Johnny Manziel.  He says that “’Johnny Football’ should be called ‘Johnny Rookie Bitch’”  Get THIS guy on the Pre-Game Show!

    REED NEEDS TO ‘CHILL OUT’ BECAUSE JOHNNY IS LEBRON’S ‘FOOTBALL BITCH’

    8:40:14 a.m. –  Judge Napolitano is on, and the I-Man wonders why ‘Tony Gavels’ doesn’t let his hair go grey.  He’s got a problem with the ‘Dye Job’ that the Judge has opted for, which involves the use of ‘Shinola’.  From which the Judge CAN tell the difference between that and…you know… 

    OBVIOUSLY, THE JUDGE IS  DYING HIS HAIR

    8:44:14 a.m. –  The Judge says how excited he was to finally meet Bernie.  The I-Man then effusively extolls Bernard’s myriad talents.  His intelligence, his sense of humor, his literary prowess as a magnificent writer, which, the Judge takes to mean that he writes everything Imus says.  “Is he writing what you’re saying now?”  “No, Judge…some moron wrote that.”  We wonder which one of us he’s referring to.

    HIS HONOR IN THE MORNING BEFORE HE GETS ALL ‘COIFFED UP’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A Collection of Classic, Text Message, Autocorrect ‘Fails’

    Courtesy of Damnyouautocorrect.com

    (You’ll have to do some reading, but it’s worth it)

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSsxCHoWRTg

     

    Tuesday
    Jul292014

    Texas Dirt

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The Ranch All-Star Rodeo is TODAY!  And competition will be fierce.  Almost as fierce as that between the kids when they see who can be the first to hide the I-Man’s oxygen tank.

    “PSSSST!  IT’S UNDER THE HAY BALE.”

    6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss finds a link on Huffington Post that leads to a Cosmopolitan piece “28 Mind Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions” and he notes there are pictures.  And the pictures are not of some “Greezy, Lesbians”.  They are illustrations of some “Pretty Snappy Lesbians”, that demonstrate, as Bo would say, “Munchatation Situations”  such as  ‘The Tawdry Tire Swing’,  ‘The Kinky Jockey’ and ‘The Bermuda Triangle’…which is actually a heterosexual position as well.  It’s the one where the man’s penis disappears.

    WE HAVEN’T GOTTEN THIS HOT OVER CARTOON WOMEN SINCE WILMA FLINTSTONE

     

    NOW WE KNOW WHAT THEY MEANT IN THE THEME SONG :

    “When you're with the Flintstones
    Have a yabba dabba doo time.
    A dabba doo time.
    We'll have a GAY old time”
     

    6:26:52a.m. – Bernard plays a clip from Jon Stewart, where one of the costumed characters who work in Times Square taking photographs for tips, weighs in on the arrest of ‘Spiderman’.  We are not surprised to see that it’s ‘Batman’…but that, apparently, he’s Mexican.  Which means the Batmobile must be a Chevy.

    THE ONLY PROBLEM IS…BATMAN GETS PULLED OVER A LOT BY THE PO PO

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Doug Brinkley is in New York this week to promote his book: ‘The Nixon Tapes’.  He’s taking in the sights with his family: The Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, the 911 Museum, and then, after he drops the wife and kids off at the hotel…he hits ‘The Hustler Club’ with a fistful of singles.  To do research on his upcoming Clinton Book, of course.

    DOUG, BILL AND HILL, ‘MAKIN’ IT RAIN’

    7:05:28 a.m. – Stephen A. Smith apologizes for his statement from last week where he suggested that Domestic Violence disputes are somewhat ‘provoked’.  The I-Man isn’t satisfied with the apology as Smith said that he ‘Didn’t say what he meant to say’.  The paradigm for apology should be thus:  A- Acknowledge the mistake B- Acknowledge that you f&^%ed up, and C- Move on.  Don’t go on TV, don’t go on Twitter.  But throwing some cash at the person you offended works pretty good too.

    STEPHEN A. GETS A ‘TIME OUT’

    7:11:42 a.m  –  Imus responds to Warner’s report that Derek Jeter passed Carl Yastremski on the All Time Hit List…and is only 10 hits behind Honus Wagner.  “Hey Warner?  He’s passing DEAD PEOPLE!”

    IF YOU PASS THEM, THEY WILL COME…BACK TO HAUNT YOU

    7:32:34 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD AND VINE!  Begins with the ’50 Shades of Grey’ trailer, which, in Dagen’s estimation, is “Is about as hot as Al Roker and Nancy Grace getting it on.”  Um…eww..  Riedel notes that the lead, Jamie Dornan, is as “Sexually threatening as Connell McShane”.  Riedel doesn’t know what he’s saying.  McShane is a ‘Sexual Tyrannosaurus’.  We have pictures.

    HE’S A REAL TIGER IN THE SACK

    7:41:24 a.m. – The I-Man wonders why this ’50 Shades’ thing is such a phenomenon.  Dagen says the book sold 100 Million copies…primarily to “Fat Hausfraus who need salad tongs and a flashlight to find their husband’s penis’”.  Remind us to never have dinner during a blackout at Dagen’s house.

    “THE SALAD IS DELICIOUS, HONEY!  WHAT’S THAT SPECIAL INGREDIENT?  THE TASTE IS FAMILIAR…I JUST CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT.”

    “NEITHER CAN I…THAT’S THE PROBLEM”

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man, uncharacteristically, changed his mind…this time about Doug Brinkley’s ‘The Nixon Tapes’  because Tricky Dick was “Brilliant…but Bat Dookie Crazy”.   Which, coincidentally, what Doug said about the author of  ‘God’s Other Son’.  Except without the ‘brilliant’ part.

    ON THE BACK OF THIS PAGE, THE I-MAN SIGNED THE OTHER HALF OF HIS AUTOGRAPH: “HOPE YOU GET A LOT OF P*SSY WHEN YOU GROW UP”

    8:17:16 a.m. –  We learn that emails sent on the Fox Server get filtered if there is anything ‘Not Work Friendly’ in the subject line.  So we haven’t been receiving the I-Man’s emails:  “HEY YOU FAT C**KSUCKER!”  and “I’M GOING TO FIRE YOU MOTHERF**KERS”…and “STOP WHINING YOU P*SSIES!”

    WE WONDERED WHY WE NEVER GOT THIS EMAIL

    8:38:14 a.m. – Jenna Lee, host of Fox News’  ‘Happening Now’, is on, and she’s about 800 months pregnant.  She says she’s not due for another month, but if that indeed is the case, this kid’s going to be born four feet tall and 280 pounds.  Or it’s Septuplets.  She says that yesterday somebody came up to her in the street and told her “Your diet is not working.”  She’s ready to Pop.  Her water could break during this interview.  Which means that Stage Manager Nat would have to deliver the baby.  You’ve never experienced childbirth until you experienced it being performed by a sweaty bald guy in a Mets Jersey with a box cutter and some gaffer’s tape.  Jenna will wind up having a baby who’s first words are “Hey Bro!  Go Mets!  Right?”

    “HEY MOM…WHO’S THE FAT GUY IN THE BASEBALL CAP?  PLEASE TELL ME THAT’S NOT MY DADDY”

    8:40:14 a.m. – Jenna shares a tradition given to her by her Mother in Law, who, like her husband, is from Texas.  She says for a Texas baby born outside of the Lone Star State,  the first thing the feet must touch…is Texas soil.  Just so we’re clear, Jenna.  You’re bringing a cup of dirt to a sterile birthing room?   Why don’t you bring the dog with you, and he can lick all the gunk off the baby?  Jeez.

    TEXAS DIRT.  HOW TO PROPERLY SEASON A BABY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A-IGGY POP AND BETTY WHITE

    B-STEVE BUSCEMI AND MELISSA MCCARTHY

    C- MARILYN MANSON AND DONATELLA VERSACE

     

    D- BIZ MARKIE AND RUTH BUZZI

     

    WHO WOULD YOU RATHER SEE ‘DO IT’ THAN THESE TWO?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfZWFDs0LxA

    Monday
    Jul282014

    Jenny, Meghan, Willie & Paul

    6:05:10 a.m. –  According to Drudge, ‘Alcohol Related Issues’ sent 22 Keith Urban Fans to the Hospital and 50 retained for protective custody.  The I-Man wants to know what would make people get drunk at a Keith Urban Concert.  The answer’s easy::  So they will think they’re at a Blake Shelton concert.

     SET ‘EM UP JOE.  I’M GOING TO A KEITH URBAN CONCERT.”

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Dagen’s off this morning so Lori Rothman is here, providing business news and the top of her head so we have someplace to put our coffee cups.

    UNFORTUNATELY, LORI STILL CAN’T RIDE THE ‘TILT A WHIRL’ AT THE CARNIVAL

    6:15:30 a.m. –  The I-Man mentions that Roger Angell, a chief contributor and, at one time, editor of The New Yorker, has a new babe.  He’s 93, and we are guessing his fiancé is a ‘Younger Woman’…which, given Mr. Angell’s age, could be ANYBODY.  Even if his betrothed, Peggy Moorman, was 72, she’d be young enough to be his daughter.  We wonder if she called Deirdre for any ‘Tips’. Roger wisely says that everybody needs somebody to hang on to at night.  We agree, if only to stop one from falling out of bed and breaking a hip. 

    ”THIS IS FOREPLAY…BUT I DON’T HAVE MY GLASSES…THESE ARE YOUR BREASTS, RIGHT?”

    6:18:36 a.m. –  Imus mentions that Roger COULD have just gotten a dog for companionship, Meghan, the Imus’ assistant, has volunteered to be a Kid Wrangler, and brought her French Bulldog “Norm” with her.  We think it’s a little kinky.  We don’t think Roger would want to do it ‘Doggie Style’ with an actual dog.

    “NORM!”

    6:23:08 a.m. –  Warner went to see ‘Lucy’, The Scarlet Johansson Movie, over the weekend, and  actually paid attention to the plot…instead of checking out that fine, ScarJo booty.  C;mon, Warner!  If you had Scarlet Johansson in scenes where she’s in lingerie and a pair of tight jeans…and you know what the movie’s about?  YOU LOST!  You’re not even using 10% of your brain. 

    WE CAN TELL YOU THIS…NO WOMEN IN THE MENSA SOCIETY LOOK LIKE THIS

    6:41:21 a.m. –  Randy Bloomer is here…we’re not sure why...if he’s thinking about giving the I-Man a new Bloomer Trailer…he’s only 1,951.7 miles too far east.

    RANDY BLOOMER FATHER OF…

     

    ALEXIS BLOOMER.  WE PUT UP WITH HIM, BECAUSE OF HER.

    7:05:28 a.m. –  Imus mentions that both Trevour Watrous, (‘Might Be Elvis’ panelist and Our Audio Guy) and Gunz, (‘Might Be Elvis’ and ‘Mensa Meeting’ panelist and Warner’s Bitch) are both guitarists.  Gunz won’t say he’s better, he will only admit that Trevor ‘Owns a whole lot of cool guitars’”   Trrevor ALSO plays in a band… ‘The Well Hungarians’.   Gunz does NOT have a band.  He just plays with himself.

    TREVOR WATROUS, IN HIS ANGUS YOUNG PHASE,  AND GUNZ GUNZELMAN

     IN HIS ‘TRINI LOPEZ PHRASE

    7:21:42 a.m  –  Lori tells the Boss that she and the family visited the Museum of Natural History over the weekend.  She raves about the ‘Flying Dinosaur Exhibit’.  We didn’t have the heart to tell her they were only Pigeons.  Everything looks big to Lori.  Sadly, we heard it was a little difficult for them to leave. The Museum…as the staff thought the ‘Hobbit Exhibit’ was trying to escape.

    ‘FRODO’ OUTSIDE THE MONH, LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO PARK

    7:27:34 a.m. – Connell reports that ‘Spiderman’ was arrested in Times Square for assaulting a police officer. The Naked Cowboy, a fellow Times Square Performer, bailed out the Webslinger, but he was arrested for ‘Cocaine Possession.’  We can’t imagine it was a large amount of blow…it’s not like he’s got a lot of places left to conceal it.  Unless they did a cavity search.   Ewwww.

    NAKED COWBOY, (WEARING THE ORIGINAL ‘NUDIE SUIT’) AND SPIDEY, DOING A DUET OF ‘ME AND MY SHADOW’

    7:41:24 a.m. –  MIGHT BE ELVIS  The I-Man has picked three questionable tunes and two good ones, this week.   It’s a lot like one of those contests where you hold your hand over an open flame, and whoever flinches first…loses.  Jenny Lewis singing ‘Just One of the Guys’ which is something that Dagen would’ve loved because she’d want to hit that.  ‘All About That Bass’ by Meghan Trainor, which, Dagen would also have liked because she’d want to ‘Hit THAT’.  ‘I Don’t Dance’ by Lee Brice, (Who, apparently, also ‘Don’t Sing’)   ‘Burnin’ it Down’ by Jason Aldean, which the panel comes close to actually doing to the studio, just to make the noise stop, and finally, , and  ‘Graceland’, the Paul Simon song from the album of the same name.  The panel likes Willie, but, well… Willie is…Willie, but you don’t have to be high to like this record.

    JENNY LEWIS…LIKE DAGEN, WE’D ‘HIT THAT’

    AND MEGHAN TRAINOR

    BUT WE’D ALSO HIT THAT…COS’ WE BE LOVIN’ US SOME WILLIE NELSON

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man can’t seem to get his iPod to turn off.  A dilemma which the frustrated audience finds… ‘ironic’.

    DEIRDRE, THE I-MAN, MEGHAN AND WYATT ROCK OUT ON THEIR IPODS

    8:08:16 a.m. – The I-Man notes that Warner decided to come to work today dressed like a lesbian.  We’re not sure what he means by that… Is he wearing Doc Martin’s with Rubber Soles?  A nose ring?  A crewcut?  A strap-on?   Can we say ‘Strap-on’?  Oh, okay. Only if it means ‘A Hat’.

    “WILMA” WOLF

    8:18:36 a.m. –  The Boss is playing only cuts from the Imus Ranch Record this morning, and relates the story behind Little Richard’s cover of ‘I Ain’t Never’.  He says that Little Richard was one of his High School Heroes, along with Chuck Berry and Fats Domino…and Mozart, interestingly enough.  Although maybe he saw him in concert.  We heard he ‘Killed’.  Everyone held up candles for an encore.

    “AMADEUS…AMADEUS…AMADEUS…DO ‘EINE KLEINE NACHT MUSIK!   OR, ‘FREEBIRD!’ “

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Father Jonathan Morris is on and one of his Five Favorite Songs is “Folsom Prison Blues’ by Johnny Cash.  Which is surprising considering the fact that one of the lyrics is ‘I shot a man in Reno…just to watch him die.’    We wonder what the prison fascination is…although if there were a ‘Five Favorite Movies’ list, and there were more than one Gladiator movie…we might have an idea what’s going on there.

    “STRENGTH AND HONOR…I AM FATHER MAXIMUS”

     

     

    VIDEO(s) OF THE DAY

    The ‘Might Be Elvis’ Home Game

    (Yes, even you get to be a panelist…and not Rob)

    Jenny, Meghan, Willie & Paul

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Irvcf6dCk-k 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbcs95yOZpg

    Friday
    Jul252014

    The Great Joan Rivers

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man opens the program, irritated, which isn’t unusual, but it’s for a reason, which is.  He’s outraged that NFL Baltimore Ravens Running Back Ray Rice who went all ‘Ike Turner’ on his then-girlfriend at a Casino, KNOCKED THE GIRL OUT, but only got suspended two games.  Which means New England Patriots’ Tight End Aaron Hernandez, who shot and killed two dudes…will probably just have to sit out half the season, and then get 30 yards for ‘unnecessary roughness’, (that’s two times 15 yards…one for each dead guy)

    RAY AND HIS NOW-WIFE, IN HAPPIER TIMES

    RAY RICE…A HEAVYWEIGHT…( L ) WHO PUNCHED OUT HIS GIRLFRIEND, JANAY PALMER, ( R ) A BANTAM WEIGHT…AND THEN MARRIED THE GIRL.  LOVE IS INDEED STRANGE.

    6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss admits that he’s out of it this morning.  “Here’s how out of it I am…I woke up and actually thought my hair looked good today…it looks like somebody’s houseplant.”   We guess that’s what happens when your stylist works in the garden section of Home Depot, and you say “Give me the ‘Boston Fern’”

    FICUS IN THE MORNING

    6:18:36 a.m. –  The Daily News has a list of the 50 Most Influential names in New York Sports.   NY KNICKS Team Owner James Dolan is Number One.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell is Number Two.  New York Legend Derek Jeter is Number Three.  But guess who’s number 8?  MIKE FRANCESA!!!  Wait, it gets better.  He’s THIRTEEN SPOTS AHEAD of the Award Winning Sports Columnist…MIKE LUPICA!  The I-Man is giddy with the Schadenfreudic Possibilities  . 

    LUPICA BELIEVES HE SHOULD BE AT LEAST NUMBER TWO

    6:20:08 a.m. –  We are beyond shocked that Mike Lupica, NY TIMES Best Selling Author, one of the Stars of ESPN’s Sports Reporters, is the host of his own Program on the ESPN Radio Network, one of the premiere sports columnists IN THE COUNTRY… and he is number TWENTY EFFING ONE to Francesa’s EIGHT?   Francesa, who somehow can’t wrap his head around the concept that in Soccer, you can only use your feet, who falls asleep during his own show, (not unlike most of his listeners) whose elocution makes people long for the days of Norm Crosby, and whose TV audience could fit in an El Camino?  THAT Francesa?  Wait a second, wait a second….wait a second…

    MIKE’S WFAN PROMO PICTURE

    6:21:42 a.m. –  But the BEST part of this list in the Daily News…is that MAD DOG RUSSO IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND ON IT!!!!    It’s like Jerry Lewis not doing as well as Dean Martin after they broke up.  It’s like ‘Oates’ making into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame without Hall.  It’s like Sam and Dave and Dave is dead….oh.  Wait a minute.  Check that.  Anyway, we’re sure the Mad Dog is taking this egregious slight really well…

    RUSSO FIRST HEARS THE NEWS

      AND THEN SECONDS LATER

    6:43:12a.m. –  Lt. Bill Cowan is on to discuss the “Situation in the Middle East”.  Really?  Is there something going on there?  Did we miss something?  Oh…THAT Middle East Situation.  We’re confused.. didn’t Jimmy Carter bring Peace to that region back in the Late 70’s / Early 80’s?  Just so we’re clear…the Palestinians and the Jews…don’t get along?.  This is a recent development, right?

    A RECENTLY UNEARTHED ARTIFACT FROM AN ANCIENT ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG, FEATURING AN ANCIENT PALESTINIAN, ( L ) SUCKER PUNCHING AN ANCIENT JEW ( R )

    7:05:28 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Lori where she was yesterday, and she begins telling us about how her regular babysitter was sick, and Frodo was away on a ‘Business Trip’, and she couldn’t find a replacement child care assistant…and she had to change her hair today because the ‘do she was sporting the other day doesn’t do well in the humidity and… “WE REALLY DON’T CARE”, Dagen jumps in to save us.  Ooooooooh…Lori tells Dagen to ‘Shut the Front Door!’.   Watch your language, Lady Smurf.  Somehow all of this anger has made us feel all ‘Warm n’ Pretty Inside’.

    DAGEN LANDING A HAYMAKER…WITH HER EYES CLOSED…AND LAUGHING WHILE SHE DOES IT!  THROW IN THE TOWEL, LORI… THEN  SHUT THE FRONT DOOR’.

    7:17:34 a.m  –  Dagen affects a French Accent to pronounce the director of Scarlett Johannsen’s new movie ‘Lucy’.   “Luc Besson…”   Ooooh la la…la plume de ma tante et sur le bureau…voulez vous couchert avec moir, c’est soir?

    “Où est la pulvérisation de fromage?”

    (WHERE IS THE SPRAY CHEESE?)

    7:41:24 a.m. –   VINNIE FROM QUEENS   There is more rumination about Tony Dungy, Ray Rice, and the NY Sports Most Powerful List…which Nat uses as an excuse to get a few Mets plugs in…loyal fan that he is.  But not even Mr. Met is as optimistic as Nat is…

    MR. MET AFTER A SUICIDE ATTEMPT, PARAMEDICS WERE CALLED AFTER HE RUBBED VASELINE ON HIS HEAD

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man tries to throw Rob under the bus before the Joan Rivers interview.  He is incredulous the fat bastard wants to actually do one of his ‘comedy skits’ in front of the GENIUS and COMIC LEGEND.  (Not to be patronizing…just telling the truth)  Rob is un-characteristically confident, although he HAS bombed before much bigger names than hers.  He does his ‘Gangsta Mickey’ and…everybody screws him.  Dagen, Nat, Carley, Lou and Bernie over at ABC…the camera men…NOBODY laughs.  We have a small question.  A query, if you will…would it hurt a MothaF&*^er to chuckle once or twice during 90 seconds worth of material?  Huh, bitches?  I pretend to be interested in your tedious business reports about the Google CEO buying a new Tesla, I fake laugh at your ‘Briefing’ clip of Mark Levin…oh yeah, he’s a F&^%ing SCREAM.  I giggle at your comedic genius when you make some snarky remark about some hair band you’re a fan of during ‘Might Be Elvis’, ya red headed midget.  Rob likens the situation to being set up like when he was asked to perform at a charity golf outing, benefitting some guy who was fighting some horrible disease…and the emcee thanked everyone for coming, then informed them that the ‘Man of the Hour’ had lost his battle and passed away moments before… “And now, the comedy stylings of Rob Bartlett’. 

    OH…BOY!

    8:15:16 a.m. – Twisted Sister is on Fox n’ Friends.  How come we can’t ever get bands like that on this program? Rocking the house with their ‘hit’?  All we get is Vince Gill and Dolly Parton and Van Morrison, and Lyle Lovett and Levon Helm and Sam Moore and Dwight Yoakum.  Dee Snider is surprisingly nimble, but then again, he just got a new hip replacement.  Tony observes that the T.S. fans all look like they wandered over here because Wal-Mart was closed and there was Free Barbecue.

    DEE SNIDER AND THE BAND DO ‘WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT’

    8:38:14 a.m. – The Great Joan Rivers has phoned in.  We’re disappointed that she’s not here live, but it’s early, and we’ve seen footage of her first thing in the morning without makeup. The I-Man has been humping her book Diary of a Mad Diva, which is already on the NYT Bestseller list, which makes us wonder why she still needs to hump it on the program.  He says it’s a Laugh Out Loud Scream.  He asks her about one of his favorite parts of the book…the ‘Diana Ross Concert’.   Joan admits that she made that story up.  The Boss is taken aback…shaken…shocked and horrified.  Not unlike the time when he was in the Marines and made out with a woman at a bar, who was lovely, except for one thing:  Her Penis.  Turns out HE was the Mad Diva.

    NO.  THIS IS NOT THE ‘WOMAN’ FROM THE BAR

    8:42:14 a.m. –  When Imus asks her about ‘The Trip to Mexico’, that actually DID happen.  “It’s a great way to do a cleanse.  Just drink a glass of water.” 

    JOAN SHOWS HOW THE POUNDS WILL LITERALLY ‘LEAK AWAY’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF THE GREAT JOAN RIVERS:

    THE COMIC LEGEND DOING WHAT SHE DOES BEST,

    BEFORE JOHNNY STOPPED TALKING TO HER

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lEX6HI4Mew