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    Friday
    Dec192014

    This Joyous Holiday Season

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The Holiday Spirit is in Full Effect here at the Fox Business Studios, and even the I-Man is not immune.  He begins the program with a rhetorical question:  “What do you think the girl from the escort service thinks when Bob Beckel opens the door?  Um…maybe  ‘I should have gone to college’?

    “IS THIS 4B?  OH…4D!  I’M SORRY, I’M IN THE WRONG APARTMENT…I’M IN THE WRONG BUILDING…I’M IN THE WRONG CITY…”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Amazon now officially offers ONE HOUR delivery in Manhattan   for 7.99.   Which STILL won’t be fast enough for the I-Man.   When you reach his age, every second counts.

    THE I-MAN WILL BE ON HIS TERRACE WITH A RIFLE.

    THIS PUPPY WILL BE GOING DOWN

    6:38:08 a.m. –  Gordon Chang is on to discuss the North Korean hack of Sony, with the intention of scaring the living $#it out of us.  He tells us that the Chinese have the capability of shutting down our infrastructure, our power grid, and Amazon’s One Hour Delivery.  He informs the I-Man that they have initiated an incineration threat against 13 Major U.S. Cities.  The I-Man is taken aback by this information, and then asks the question we all have in our minds:  “What about Brenham, Texas?”   Chang says “Brenham is not on the list.”    Yet.

    BRENHAM, TEXAS:  THE THING ABOUT CHINESE INCINERATION IS, A HALF HOUR LATER, AND YOU’LL WANT TO BE INCINERATED AGAIN

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man accuses Connell of “Lying” about the story that suggested Bill Clinton appeared on the last episode of the Colbert Report.  In truthiness, he only tweeted at Stephen.  Liar though he may be otherwise, Connell had nothing to do with this piece of misinformation.  Turns out the reporter from ABC was the one who was incorrect.  We guess ABC must use the same Fact Checkers as Rolling Stone. 

    “HI, STEPHEN.  CONGRATULATIONS!  I’M NOT ACTUALLY HERE RIGHT NOW, I’M A HALLUCINATION AN ABC REPORTER IS EXPERIENCING AFTER TAKING SOME BAD PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOMS.  BUT I’D STILL LIKE TO SHOW MY PENIS TO THAT HOT BLONDE IN THE FRONT ROW”

    7:32:10 a.m. –  VINNIE FROM QUEENS – The Panel discusses whether Johnny Football or Jay Cutler sucks more, who’s to blame for the Knicks sucking…Phil Jackson,  Carmelo Anthony, or the coach, Derek Fisher, and how Gunz is NEVER going to get laid.

    THAT’S ABOUT AS CLOSE AS GUNZ IS GOING TO GET TO ONE

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Ed Henry phones in about President Obama calling out North Korea.  Well, he’s not going to call them out by NAME, or anything. 

    ED AND HIS BFF KIM

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man opines that he loves Josh Earnest.  “Is he bangable, Dagen?”  She says “As a general rule, Mouthpieces and PR Flacks are not Bangable.”   “No, I meant for me…”

    “I APPRECIATE THE COMPLIMENT, IMUS, BUT…I’M NOT THAT INTERESTED”

    8:15:30 a.m. –  A new security system for the White House is the result of a study done by the Secret Service.  It only took 3 Months, 45.2 Million Dollars and Julia Pearson’s Brother in Law…who works as a Fencing Contractor.

    THE NEW SECURITY MEASURE AT THE WHITE HOUSE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The I-Man and Neil Cavuto have a very warm, cordial, quiet visit together on the air…okay, we can’t tell a lie, because it’s Christmas.  Cavuto opens the segment with… “Good Morning Cadaver”.   Hurtful words from Mr. Cavuto levied against the I-Man during this festive Holiday Season. He would be in danger of getting coal in his stocking…but Santa would be afraid that Neil would eat it.  Which is also the reason why the Maintenance department no longer puts the urinal cakes in the Men’s bathrooms at Fox.  Neil also says that Imus was around “When Millard Fillmore was President.” What he neglects to mention is that The Boss had Fillmore on his ‘Telegraph Program’, and was the one who dragged that “White haired fat bastard over the finish line.” Prior to appearing with the I-Man, Fillmore didn’t have a chance!  Take that, Neil! 

    ACTUALLY, WE’D PREFER TO FIND A LUMP OF COAL

      

    “DOT DOT DOT…DASH DOT DASH…DASH DASH DOT DOT DOT DASH DOT DASH DOT DASH DOT DASH…DOT DASH…DASH DASH DASH…DOT DOT DASH DASH.”

    (EVERYBODY SAY BAYYYYYYBEEEEE!  MILLARD FILLMORE IS MY GUEST…)

     

    ON THE TWELFTH VIDEO OF THE DAY OF CHRISTMAS

    Your True Loves Gave To Thee

     

    DARLENE LOVE

    And One of the GREATEST Christmas Songs EVER!

    A David Letterman Show Tradition

    That is Currently In It’s 28th Year!

     

    The First One:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-8ZERV_D_Q 

     

    Last Year’s

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7M6wRPuD2w

    Thursday
    Dec182014

    You Can't Fix Stupid

    6:05:10 a.m. – “It’s Ron White’s Birthday today,” the I-Man informs us.  Okay…so?  It’s also the birthday of 20 million other, funnier people in the world.

    THE BIRTHDAY BOY IS 58 TODAY.  AT LEAST HE LOOKS GOOD. ‘YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID’?  GUESS ‘ YOU CAN’T FIX CIRROHSIS’ EITHER.  

    6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man wants Bigfoot to run a clip from Bret Baier’s program last night, because he wants us all to see Marco Rubio’s ears.  Which are A- MASSIVE, and B- Pointed.  “Like Dr. Spock’s.” Imus offers.  Everybody knows ‘Mr. Spock’, the Vulcan Science Officer from Star Trek’s U.S.S. Enterprise, but only the I-Man knows about ‘Dr. Spock’, a pediatrician who tended to all the alien children on the ship, and advised their parents on how to raise them properly.

    MR. RUBIO & DR. SPOCK ON THE BRIDGE, PREPARING TO FIGHT THE KLINGONS

    6:12:24 a.m. – Connell reports that Vladimir Putin is holding his annual news conference while Russia is in an economic freefall.   The I-Man predicts that ‘Putie Pute’ will be hung like Mussolini.  Well, not ‘Hung’ like Mussolini, because, apparently, Il Duce had quite a Braciole between his legs, but rather, hanged from a lamp post with his shirt off… wearing nipple clamps. 

    PUTIN:  HIS SAFE WORD IS “NYET”

    6:16:32 a.m. – Brant tells Imus on the way over to the studio this morning, that former New York Governor George Pataki is thinking about making a presidential run.  The I-Man says that BRANT will be president before George Pataki.  That will certainly make the ‘State of the Union’ address that much more interesting.  It would take Brant about 4 hours to get from the White House to the Capitol Building, after he takes that shortcut through Delaware.

    “MY FELLOW AMERICANS…I’M…NOT SURE…WHAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS.  I’M NOT EVEN SURE IF I’M IN THE RIGHT PLACE…”

    6:18:47 a.m. – The I-Man has discovered a new way to deal with his wife:  “I don’t criticize her about ANYTHING.  And she hasn’t called me an ‘Abusive F@#king @$$hole’ in a week.”   He should write a ‘How To’ Book for the rest of us on how to make OUR wives happy.  We think chapter one will read:  “Be An Old Millionaire With Health Challenges And No Pre-nup”.

    CHAPTER ONE: LEARNING HOW TO SAY ‘YES, DEAR’ WITHOUT MAKING IT SEEM GRATUITOUS.

    6:38:08 a.m. –   Mike Baker is on to discuss the Sony Hack attack.   He is of the opinion that Sony pulling the Seth Rogen movie from the theaters is okay, because there are some credible threats.  Although if Rogen’s new film had been pulled a few years ago, people would say ‘The Terrorists Win’.  Now, with the picture not opening at all, WE’RE the ones who win.

    REMIND US AGAIN, WHY IS THIS GUY FAMOUS?

    6:41:39 a.m. –   Agent Baker informs us that he has three sons that are named, Scooter, Sluggo and Mugsy.  He says that these are not nicknames, they are their real, official, social security numbered, birth names. We think that Baker is now officially the coolest Dad on the planet, until, off the air, he reveals that they, in fact, have ‘normal’ names.  It was too much to hope for that there was a ‘Sluggo Baker’  ‘Scooter Baker’ or ‘Baker…Mugsy Baker’ in the CIA.

    SLUGGO AND MUGSY ON THEIR WAY TO MIDDLE SCHOOL

    7:05:10 a.m. – Imus talks about the extraordinary kids from the Ranch and the Rodeo, and how they have made up Wyatt’s circle of friends since he was a young child.  The Boss is especially impressed with the Rodeo Kids, who, although, like other teenagers, they drink alcohol and smoke weed, they say ‘Yes sir’ and ‘No sir’ when they’re doing it.

    “IS THAT WEED YOU’RE SMOKING?”

    “YES SIR.”

    “HAVE ANY MORE?”

    “NO SIR.

    7:18:36 a.m. –  The I-Man checks in on Ashley Webster, who begins a diatribe about Sony caving in to North Korea.  Apparently, Ashley is very ‘Pissed Off’ about it.  We assume he’s a big Seth Rogen fan, but then again, he IS British, and they find ‘Unfunny Comedy’ funny.  After railing about how annoyed he is about the situation, there is an uncomfortable silence…which Imus breaks by asking Connell, “Do you remember me asking Ashley what he thought about that?”

    MR. WEBSTER GETS A FRESH PIECE OF DUCT TAPE PUT OVER HIS MOUTH, LEST HE CONSIDER ‘WEIGHING IN’ ON ANYTHING AGAIN

    7:40:10 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING – begins especially contentiously this morning.  They discuss the merits of Sony removing ‘The Interview’ from theaters, and the President’s new policy on Cuba.  As usual, Alan Colmes is treated like Frankenstein’s Monster, being hunted by torch and pitchfork carrying villagers.

    “BRING OUT THE LIBERAL MONSTER!  BRING OUT THE LIBERAL MONSTER!”

    7:62:03 p.m. –  Bernie and Alan don’t seem to have a problem with normalizing relations with Cuba.  Gunz would be happy with ANY relations, as he hasn’t had any recently, having been caught in a ‘Intercourse Embargo’ for some time now…like decades.  When asked what he thinks about ‘Cuba’, he answers that although he’s a fan of his Academy Award winning performance in ‘Jerry Maguire’, he hasn’t really done anything of merit since.

     “HEY GUNZ…SHOW ME THE NOOKIE!”

    8:06:32 a.m. – Dagen and Ashley have an on air argument about the Sony / North Korea imbroglio.  They debate fiercely, only to find that they totally agree with each other.  It’s so unlike Dagen to go ‘Bat S#*t Crazy’ on anything, without knowing what she’s going ‘Bat S#*t Crazy’ about.

    8:40:16 a.m. –  Frank Rich phones in and sings the praises of Julia Louis Dreyfus, who stars in the HBO Comedy Series ‘Veep’.  We agree that she’s brilliant…and don’t know why she wouldn’t be wrongly and gratuitiously savaged the way he did all those Broadway Shows he helped close back in the 80’s…until we realize that he is the Executive Producer of the show.  He says that he doesn’t celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas, for that matter.  Makes sense, because we think that, due to his brutal Theatre reviews, he doesn’t get invited to any Holiday Parties either.  So he probably doesn’t celebrate Easter, Passover, or Chinese New Year either.

    “NOBODY MAKE ANY NOISE…FRANK RICH IS JUST AROUND THE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  We wanted to see if any of you noticed the 7:62:03 p.m. entry.  Just to insure you’re still paying attention.

    9:05:10 a.m. –  Gunz was on Neil Cavuto’s program…we’re sorry, “That Sonofab*@%h Gunz” according to Imus, as when young Gunzelman appeared in Cavuto’s  ‘Generation Hexed’ segment, his designation was “Internet Radio Host”…and not “Imus in the Morning”…or even more accurately, “Warner’s Butt Boy”.  We never heard ‘The Gunz Show’ online…and apparently, nobody else has either, hence his cheesy attempt to promote it on Neil’s show.  Apparently, Gunz isn’t aware that Neil’s demographic thinks that ‘Fall Out Boy’, is a kid having a seizure.

    GUNZ HAS A SEIZURE…UM… ‘DANCES’ TO SOME ‘FALL OUT BOY’

    (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

     

    ON THE 11TH VIDEO OF THE DAY OF CHRISTMAS

    (AND THE THIRD NIGHT OF HANUKKAH)

    YOUR TRUE LOVES GAVE TO THEE

     

    The Ultimate, Accappella Hanukkah Mashup

    From

    “Stand Four”

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAbTDHblxFM

    Wednesday
    Dec172014

    All Dogs Go to Heaven, Or Do They?

    6:05:10 a.m. –    “That 1-877-Kars for Kids is the most obnoxious commercial I’ve ever heard.   

    “HEY KID!  LOOK OUT!  CLIFF!”

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Ashley Webster decides to make an appearance.  He says he had a Curry that disagreed with him.   We hope he’s better.  There’s nothing worse than a Limey with the Curry Squirts.

    “NO NO NO, MR. WEBSTER, THE CURRY ISN’T VERY GOOD TODAY.  I RECOMMEND THE TANDOORI CHICKEN OR THE LAMB VINDALOO”

    6:14:36 a.m. – “Doesn’t Bob Beckel look like a pile of dirty laundry?”

    THERE’S NO AMOUNT OF FABRIC SOFTENER THAT WILL MAKE THIS FEEL ANY BETTER

    6:16:32 a.m. – We take a vote on whether or not Warner goes to the Tanning Salon.

    WARNER BEFORE ( L ) AND AFTER ( R ) A TRIP TO THE ‘TROPICAL OASIS’

    6:18:47 a.m. – Zach and Austin are going to spend the holidays with the Imus family, which makes the Boss uncharacteristically happy, as there will be more people who will ‘Give him stuff’.  Bring him his oxygen tanks, make him espresso…fetch a MyPillow to put his head under….um…under his head…yeah, that’s it.  Under his head.

    AUSTIN HELPS ADJUST THE I-MAN’S ‘MYPILLOW’

    7:05:10 a.m. – The Boss is upset that Chris Christie’s people are giving him the runaround about making another appearance, but, in actuality, the Governor not coming on doesn’t make ANY difference in the ratings.  In other words, he won’t ‘Tip the scales’ in our favor.  He won’t be ‘Weighing In’ on any of the Political Issues.  We just assumed he’s still on his way from the last time he was asked to be a guest, and he’s stuck in some George Washington Bridge Traffic.  Since July.  “He’s a fat, ungrateful Moose.”  Not to put too fine a point on it.

    “MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL AND TELL HIM WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE?”

    7:38:12 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE , or as we like to call it, ‘ANOTHER METHOD FROM THE CIA’S ‘ENHANCED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES PLAYBOOK’ .  Which features the topic:  “Is rectal feeding a crime?”.  Well, not if you have teeth in your sphincter.   There’s also a question about whether or not Dogs go to Heaven.  Deirdre is in the camp that believes dog’s souls do, in fact, spend Eternity in Paradise.  But Dog Heaven is entirely different from Human Heaven.  It’s full of Fire Hydrants, Mailmen and Dumpsters full of beef trimmings.

    SOME DOGS GO TO HELL

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The Rejoinder music, ‘Tom Sawyer’ from Rush, brings us back from break, but it’s very loud as the I-Man attempts to speak.  “I feel like the Ronettes” he says, making a clever reference to him having to scream over a Phil Spector-like ‘Wall of Sound’.   Oh.  We though he felt like the Ronettes because he likes to wear gowns and beehives.

    “EVERYBODY SAY…BE MY BABY!”

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Imus shows us a picture of a new Platinum, Diamond encrusted  Rolex and tells us that he wants us to chip in and buy it for him for Christmas.  No problem.  In fact, we don’t even need to take a collection.  All we have to do is find the magazine where he saw the picture and clip it out.  Won’t cost practically ANYTHING.    What?  He wants the ACTUAL WATCH?

    ROLEX, PLATINUM, DIAMOND ENCRUSTED, OYSTER PERPETUAL $119,000.

    THE I-MAN’S FACE WHEN HE SEES WE JUST GAVE HIM A PICTURE?  PRICELESS.

    8:16:16 a.m. –  Imus tells the ‘Mall Santa Claus Story’, in which, he tries to convince a then five year old Wyatt that he knows Santa Claus and has his phone number.  Wyatt is, naturally, skeptical.  They pass the gentleman in the red suit and beard in front of the J.C. Penney’s, with a line of kids waiting to see him.  Ol’ St. Nick says “Hey Imus!  I’m an alcoholic too!”   Wow.  So we guess he really DOES know Santa.

    HEY!  WAIT A MINUTE!  SANTA DOESN’T HAVE A MISTLETOE BELT BUCKLE!  AND THAT’S NOT A CANDY CANE!”

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Matt Taibi is on to explain himself.  Why he quit the Rolling Stone to start his own website...against the I-Man’s advice, only to then, quite the website and go back to the Rolling Stone.  Because we all know how credible the Rolling Stone is from a journalistic standpoint.  The New York Times masthead reads “All The News That’s Fit to Print”.  The Rolling Stone’s new motto is “Facts, Shmacts.”  Matt doesn’t seem all that interested to weigh in on his former, and now, once again, current employer.  We don’t know what he’s worried about.  It’s not like anybody on the Editorial Staff will research his appearance.

    WAIT A SECOND…THAT’S NOT STEVEN TY…OH.  YEAH.  IT’S THE ROLLING STONE. 

     

    AND

     

    ON THE TENTH VIDEO OF THE DAY OF XMAS

    YOUR TRUE LOVES GAVE TO THEE:

    SANTA CON 2014 IN NEW YORK

    NOTHING SAYS ‘CHRISTMAS’ LIKE THOUSANDS OF DRUNK, BEARDED MORONS ON THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jsftg6OJkAA

    Tuesday
    Dec162014

    Billy Joe Shaver!

    6:05:10 a.m. –     Billy Joe Shaver is here this morning!  If you don’t love Billy go to hell.  We greet the great man with a hearty…um…hug.  We kid Billy Joe about his two missing fingers, but he has made it work for him.  For example…he doesn’t need a pick to play guitar.

    HE CAN STRUM LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS

    6:07:14 a.m. –  The I-Man tells a story about a friend of his who was on the Colbert Report, and after the appearance, was told by the producer ‘Stephen LOVES you!  We want to have you on again…as a regular segment.’  Imus says that happens on every interview program on television.  Sometimes, they’ll even say, ‘You were GREAT!  You know, you should have your OWN show!’  What we want to know is…who said that to the Boss? 

    “YOU KNOW DON, YOU SHOULD HOST A MORNING RADIO SHOW”

    6:22:47 a.m. –  Billy Joe sings one of the songs off his new album, ‘Long in the Tooth’.  ‘It’s Hard to Be an Outlaw (Who Ain’t Wanted Anymore)’  He’s the Original Outlaw Country Poet, ’ the William Wordsworth of the Southwest, with lyrics like:  ‘It’s hard to keep your ‘try’ up when your back is to the floor…  We imagine it’s also hard to order another beer when you’re in that position.  But, somehow, we know Billy Joe could.  Three beers, in fact.

    BILLY  JOE…WARMING UP THE WATER FOR THE FISH…THE SAME WAY THAT THE I-MAN ‘WASHES’ HIS CHAIR

    6:38:08 a.m. –  Father Jonathan Morris is on to talk about the reason for the season, and keeping the ‘Christ’ in Christmas.  We don’t know why he doesn’t rally for keeping the ‘Chuch’ in Hanukkah, until we find out he is unaware that tonight is the first night of the Festival of Lights.   So he really DOES believe in the Billy Joe Shaver credo:  “If you don’t love Jesus, go to Hell.”   We feel bad for the Padre…seeing as how he won’t be seeing any of his Jewish friends at the Pearly Gates.  ‘Daddy J’  tells the I-Man that he loves the program, and listens all the time.  Imus replies that he’s a “Lying little skunk.”   So it looks like his Jewish friends WILL be seeing him when he dies after all…because liars can’t get into heaven either.

    SORRY, FATHER.  BUT YOU’RE OFFICIALLY IN HELL

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that he has tried, and continues to try, not being an @$$hole.  Well, you win some…you lose some. 

    BACK WHEN HE WAS DRINKING, THIS WAS THE I-MAN’S CREDO.  NOW, THANKS TO AA (@$$HOLES ANONYMOUS) HE’S IN RECOVERY

    7:18:36 a.m. – Dagen reports on the most searched names on Google.  Jennifer Lawrence comes in at number one, a designation with which she enthusiastically agrees, as she thinks Ms. Lawrence looks ‘Hot’ naked.  Imus tries to compliment Dagen’s appearance, saying she’s a pretty snappy number herself. “ In fact,” he suggests, “Why don’t you get naked here?”  Dagen demurs, and says that she doesn’t have the ‘J-Law Body’.  Imus paraphrases Charlie Robison:  “You may not be the best, but you’re the best we can do.”  Dagen replies that she wants to get ‘Boobs’ for Christmas.  We offer to ‘hand measure’ her.  Sadly, she declines.

    F@#K   J-LAW,   HERE’S OUR ‘AMERICAN HUSTLER’

    7:32:10 a.m. –  Billy Joe Shaver sings ‘Sunbeam Special’, another song from the album, and it appears there’s an extended instrumental part at the end.  Turns out Ol’ Billy Joe forgot the last verse.  It’s okay, BJ, we’re used to guys forgetting stuff.  For instance, we’re not even sure Imus remembers he’s even here.

     “REMEMBER TO UNZIP FLY BEFORE PEEING, REMEMBER TO UNZIP FLY BEFORE PEEING, REMEMBER TO UNZIP FLY BEFORE PEEING…”

    7:40:08 a.m. –  HOLLYWOOD & VINE   Imus reads some “Newly Discovered Leaked Sony Emails.”    He had a great idea, which we executed as directed…but Riedel, Deirdre and Dagen ruin it.  That’s the problem with the I-Man’s genius.  Sometimes he’s working at a level mere humans cannot comprehend. 

    FROM CLINT CULPEPPER, PRESIDENT OF SCREEN GEMS, REGARDING ACTOR KEVIN HART:

    “I’M NOT SAYING HE’S A WHORE…BUT HE’S A WHORE.”

    (THIS IS ONE OF THE ONES WE DIDN’T MAKE UP

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man interviews Billy Joe Shaver, who reveals he’s been married 3 times and divorced three times…to and from…the same woman.  According to Mr. Shaver, “Just can’t get divorce right.”    Imus asks him, “Do you love her?”  Billy Joe says “I love EVERYBODY.”  Perhaps that could’ve been the problem in the first place.

    WOW.  HE REALLY DOES LOVE EVERYBODY

    8:07:14a.m. – Billy Joe also tells the story of how Waylon Jennings wound up recording an entire album of Billy Joe Shaver Songs in 1973. According to Billy Joe, it was at Willie Nelson’s Fourth of July picnic when Waymore drunkenly promised a then nobody, Billy Joe, that he’d record a whole album of his songs.  Billy Joe then hounded Jennings for 6 months and finally threatened him with physical violence, (In front of a Nashville Studio full of people) until Waylon finally made good on his promise.  The result was the defining record of the anti-Nashville Outlaw movement, and a cornerstone in country music history.  The Moral to the Story?  If you promise Billy Joe Shaver something…don’t wait until he threatens to kick your ass…

    “OKAY, OKAY, I’LL DO THE ALBUM…JUST DON’T SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.”

    THE GUN IS IN BILLY JOE’S RIGHT HAND, CUT OFF FROM PHOTO.

    (NOT UNLIKE TWO OF HIS FINGERS)

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Billy Joe sings ‘Been That Way Since The Git Go’. And ‘I’ll Love You As Much As I Can.’  Both of which he sings without incident.  We were afraid that he might change the lyrics to ‘I’ll Love You As Much As I Can Stand’.  Which, considering the song is about the woman he married and divorced 3 times, might be a more accurate title.

    BILLY AND WILLIE.  TURNS OUT BILLY JOE’S RIGHT HAND MAKES A HELLUVA ROACH CLIP.  WILLIE FORGETS A LOT OF STUFF TOO

     

    ON THE NINTH ‘VIDEO OF THE DAY OF XMAS’

    Your True Loves Gave To Thee:

    A Beatles Christmas Mashup

    http://youtu.be/iUvCPkp0H0U

    Monday
    Dec152014

    Christmas Explained by Jews

    6:05:10 a.m. –     Over the weekend, the I-Man found out that the NFL is a ‘Not for Profit’ 501 C Charitable Organization.  They make BILLIONS of dollars.  We assume they take the bail money as a Tax Deduction.

    GIVE WHAT YOU CAN…ROGER GOODELL ONLY HAS 5 CARS

    6:07:14 a.m. –  It’s ‘Billy Joe Shaver Eve’, as I-Fave,  the Great Billy Joe Shaver,  will be here tomorrow, and Imus is anticipating his arrival like a kid waiting on Santa Claus.  Billy Joe also carries a sack, but in his case, it’s got a gun in it.  Instead of cookies, you leave ‘Santa Shaver’ some cookies…and maybe a couple ‘Finger Sandwiches’.

    “HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS WHEN YOU’RE AWAKE, HE KNOWS IF YOU’VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD…SO BE GOOD OR HE’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE”

    6:14:36 a.m. – We learn this morning that Matthew Hiltzik, (The I-Man’s Publicist) is now Bill Cosby’s PR Agent…and ‘Drink Tester’.  Because Cos’ can’t afford any more problems.

    “HEY, DR. COSBY?  HOW COME THAT DOUBLE ESPRESSO YOU MADE ME ONLY MADE ME SLEEPY?  WAS IT A DECAF?   I’M NOT GOING TO WAKE UP WITH MY CLOTHES OFF, WILL I?”

    6:16:32 a.m. –  The I-Man and Warner discuss Johnny Manziel’s sucking the Big One yesterday against the Cincinnati Bengals.  Imus asks “He’s never going to be a great quarterback, is he, Warner?”  Warner responds “Based on that performance, I’d say…’No’.”  Wow.  That’s quite an observation, Warner.  You really went out on a limb with that one.  STEVIE WONDER could’ve made that observation…because Stevie Wonder could’ve completed more passes than Johnny ‘Foosball’.  He would’ve been sacked fewer times too, because at least he would’ve heard the footsteps.

    ONE OF THE MANY FANS DISAPOINTED WITH MANZIEL’S PERFORMANCE

    6:38:08 a.m. –  Bo Dietl’s on to talk about interrogation techniques.  Everything from using a Perp’s Head as a toilet brush, to forcing someone…to watch yesterday’s Browns/Bengals game.  Bo wants to recall the mayor.  Not remember him, or bring him in for repairs, not those kinds of ‘recall’, he wants him impeachatated.  Imus offers Bo as a candidate to replace DeBlasio.  Mayor Bo.  You think that Rob Ford made news?  Wait till Officer Dietl gets into Gracie Mansion.

    HIZZONER BO, MAYOR OF MUNCHKINLAND

    7:05:10 a.m. – Connell plays a clip of Jeb Bush saying that he’s going ‘To write an E-Book in preparation.’  “Good, see if you can get your brother to read it.” The I-Man says.  What’s Jeb preparing for?  Going to the bathroom?   When you drop an E-Book in the toilet, you can’t just dry it off and keep reading.

    JEB WORKING ON…A COUPLE OF THINGS, ACTUALLY

    7:32:10 a.m. –  MIGHT BE ELVIS features all Alternative Rock Christmas Songs, Blink 182, Fall Out Boy, the Kinks…and all of them were picked by Deirdre.  The I-Man says that, from now on, she will pick ALL the Might Be Elvis songs.  We can just see it now…  Vegan songs like ‘These Roots Were Made For Cooking’, Booker T and the MGs ‘Green Onions.’  and  ‘All We Are Saying…Is Give Peas A Chance’.

    THE VEGGIE TALES BAND.  THEY SOLD OUT THE GARDEN.

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Deirdre asked the I-Man over the weekend why they don’t get invited to any Christmas Parties.  Um…well…you see…er…uh,  okay, we don’t know why either, Deirdre.  He’s such a joyful, buoyant, vibrant and lovely guest.  We once read where he is considered ‘The Life of the Party’….oh…check that… he’ll ‘SUCK the Life Out of the Party.’

    PARTYGOER LISTENING TO IMUS TELL HIS ‘MAMA T’ STORY

    8:25:16 a.m. –  Talking about shaking hands with people, and how the I-Man is averse to that basic, human, social gesture that’s evolved over thousands of years, he says he only ‘Fist Bumps’.  Except for guys at the rodeo…who get offended and take exception to his refusing to offer his hand.  So he’ll shake with them.  Even though he knows they’ve just come from the bathroom where they’ve had ‘A Death Grip on Big Roy’, and didn’t wash their hands.  Good thing they don’t get offended when he Purells his hand in front of them.  Warner chimes in, saying that he uses his foot to put the seat down and to flush the toilet.  Then he puts paper down on the floor and the walls of the stall.  Then he sprays the area with disinfectant.  By which time, he has already crapped his pants.

    DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE HAND HAS JUST BEEN NEAR THE BALLS OF A CALF

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Laura Ingraham phones in, and we learn she grew up in Glastonbury Connecticut, but still considers herself a Southerner, because she’s been in Washington D.C. so long.    Long enough to wait out the statute of limitations on the restraining order her ex-boyfriend got for her after she flooded his apartment with a garden hose.  She won’t be IGNORED…and besides…a rabbit in the pot is a REAL southern dish.

    LAURA WITH HER OLD BOYFRIEND HAVE A LITTLE ‘SPAT’

     

    DON’T WORRY, FLUFFY…THERE WILL BE CARROTS IN THERE WITH YOU

     

     

    ON THE EIGHTH VIDEO OF THE DAY OF XMAS

    YOUR TRUE LOVES SENT TO THEE

     

     

    IN HONOR OF TOMORROW NIGHT’S BEGINNING OF HANUKKAH

    ‘CHRISTMAS EXPLAINED BY JEWS’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYfv8i8sXHo