6:05:10 a.m. – Martha MacCallum is already here, in the Green Room, preparing for her appearance in the first quarter of today’s program. We’re tellin’ you right now, that’s a fine lookin’ woman. Between her, and Deirdre and Lis…we are in Blonde Heaven. Although, we’re not sure Martha’s doesn’t come out of a bottle. Something tells us her hair is more like Dagen’s. (Another fine lookin’ woman, but Brunette Day is tomorrow)
MARTHA MACCALLUM, SHE’S GOT DARKER ROOTS THAN ALEX HALEY
6:06:12 a.m. – Imus says that Deirdre watches the news, and tells him all the scary stories in the headlines just before he goes to bed, which causes him to have nightmares. He wakes up at 3 A.M. thinking people are chasing him down the hall. Which he should automatically sense is a dream…he couldn’t even walk briskly down a hallway without stopping to catch his breath, cough and take an oxygen hit. Of course, that would probably stave off any impending scary monster attack…even the Boogey Man would feel sorry and offer the I-Man a glass of water.
“I KNOW YOU’RE THERE…I CAN HEAR YOU WHEEZING…DUDE…ARE YOU OKAY?”
6:12:16 a.m. – Imus is ready to ‘Go to the Mattresses’ with the property lines on his Ranch in Texas. His neighbors have their cows on his land…and he wants the Heifers off of it. Now. They claim ignorance, unsure as to what the borders are …so the Boss pays to find out…and discovers he has another 400 acres he didn’t initially have. Some people find lost socks underneath their couches…the I-Man finds huge chunks of real estate. At the approximate price of land per acre in Brenham, that’s somewhere around SIX Muh Muh Muh MILLION DOLLARS worth of property. That’s a lot of Muthaf*kkin’ change in the sofa, son.
ONE OF THE EASY CHAIRS AT THE I-RANCH IN TEXAS
6:16:32 a.m. – Dagen reports that there are now panties available made with caffeine, ostensibly to help you lose weight. They’re called ‘iPants’. Of course, you could spill a cup of coffee In your lap and it would pretty much do the same thing…which is nothing, as Dagen says the iPants don’t work. The iPants we’re familiar with usually have urine in them. We’re not sure they help you lose weight…although the the I-Man IS awfully thin…
THESE MAY NOT HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT…BUT THEY SURE WILL KEEP YOU FROM GETTING LAID
6:46:03 a.m. – Martha MacCallum is on to discuss the new case of Ebola in the U.S. Oh, great. Another disease the I-Man can fear he’s got. It’s an insidious illness…as you can mistake the symptoms for something else: Headache, Diarrhea, Vomiting. All of which you can experience while watching ‘Morning Joe’. The first case of Ebola in the United States is now in Texas. The Boss has been to The Lone Star quite frequently of late… and he was complaining that he didn’t feel well…
TRUST US, YOU’D RATHER GET EBOLA
7:18:42 a.m. – Turns out you need to have contact with the bodily fluids of someone infected with Ebola in order to contract the disease...
7:19:10 a.m. – Back in the Green Room, Deirdre is overwhelmed by the emergence of Ebola in the nation. She really doesn’t have anything to worry about. If the I-Man had the disease, she would only get it if she had contact with any of his bodily flu… oh. We see her point. Waking up to wet bed sheets would technically qualify as having contact with bodily fluids.
DEIRDRE TAKES PREVENTATIVE MEASURES AGAINST EBOLA.
GO ON THE PAPER, I-MAN
7:47:24 a.m. – One of the B on B topics is about the ‘Yes Means Yes’ policy on College Campuses in California, that says that silence or lack of resistance, does NOT imply consent. And that consent can be withdrawn at any time. In other words, if your partner says nothing that is NOT considered a Green Light. So FYI all you Necrophiliacs out there.
"WELL…SHE DIDN’T SAY ‘NO’…”
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man’s disgust with the Secret Service continues…he still is incredulous that someone was able to get into the White House so easily. He says that the security here at Fox is better than that at the President’s residence. We screen all the creepy people here…supposedly. Yet, somehow, Frank Luntz and John Stossel still get through.
WOULD YOU LET EITHER OF THESE GUYS ANYWHERE NEAR YOU? THERE COULD AN I.E.D. HIDDEN UNDER LUNTZ’S RUG, AND STOSSEL’S PORN ‘STACHE
AND, DIGRESSING LIKE A COLLIE WHO, IN THE MIDDLE OF A WALK, STOPS TO LICK HIMSELF AND DISCOVERS, TO HIS HORROR, THAT HE’S BEEN NEUTERED, IS IT US, OR DOES STOSSEL LOOK A LOT LIKE CROSS BETWEEN HARRY REEMS AND ‘YANNI’ WITH A BAD HAIRCUT?
8:18:16 a.m. – Warner’s Sports Report includes the news that the Kansas City Royals, who won their first playoff game since 1985, last night against the Oakland A’s. He plays a clip from A’s starting pitcher Jon Lester, who, despite their loss, has a lot of respect for his team mates: “They put their balls on the line every night.” He says. Warner adds… “Better known as Testicles.” Which, by Mr. Wolf’s logic, would make a ‘Full Count’ be two strikes and three testicles. Or, for that matter, ‘Two Strikes and an Imus’, who, as you know, possesses ‘Tres Huevos’…like he doesn’t already have a hard enough time walking… Anyway, we’re not so sure we’d want to put our balls on the line. Especially when there are guys on the field wearing spiked shoes.
THE A’S. PUTTING THEIR BALLS ON THE LINE
A SQUIRREL. PUTTING HIS ‘NUTS’ ON THE LINE
8:38:16 a.m. – Captain Mark Kelly talks Gun Control with the I-Man, who admits that he owns a number of guns, which, if that’s not a prime example of why we need more stringent background checks, we don’t know what is. He freaks out when his coffee gets cold. Imus with a carry permit and he gets an eyelash in his eye…things could get ugly. Astronaut Kelly then tells us that his brother will go on a mission to the International Space Station where he will stay for a year…but, sadly, he will get up there on a Russian Rocket, such is the current state of the U.S.A.’s program. Pretty degrading for a man whose people landed on the moon, has to stand outside the launch pad with his thumb out, trying to hitch a ride from the Russkies.
“DUDE…INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION? CAN I AT LEAST GO WITH YOU AS FAR AS BARSTOW?”
8:42:10 a.m. – The information about Captain Kelly’s brother spending 12 months up in the International Space Station sinks in…and gives us Claustrophobic Anxiety Attacks. Just sitting in the middle seat on an airplane makes us hyperventilate. We can’t imagine being cooped up for a year with a bunch of Borscht eating, vodka swilling, overly gassy Russians.
“GREAT, WE’RE OUT OF ORBIT AGAIN…HEY SERGEI, ‘FESS UP. DID YOU JUST CUT A ‘TANG’ FART?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
‘Too soon’? Not Exactly. This commercial is 13 years old.
Who Says Ebola Isn’t Funny?