6:05:10 a.m. – Shooter Jennings and the Band are here this morning. And the I-Man says he’s going to let him sing. Because there’s no point in having Shooter Jennings on unless you’re going to let him sing. The News Sucks, The Sports sucks, Everybody and EveryTHING sucks. Might as well just have Shooter sing all morning. He could probably do it, too. AND the band. They seem to have a lot of energy for folks who have been up for the last 3 days, but then again, ‘Musicians lead complicated lives.’
SHOOTER JENNINGS. PUTTING THE ‘O’ BACK IN COUNTRY
6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man catches a glimpse of himself in the monitor, and notices that he’s having a bad hair day, which is a relative term, especially when you consider that he hasn’t combed it all summer. Today, however, it is particularly ‘Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty’. (From the Original Cast Recording of ‘Hair’)
ART GARFUNKEL CALLED. AT FIRST, HE WANTED HIS HAIR BACK. NOW, HE’S NOT TOO SURE
6:17:39 a.m. – Dagen reports that the acts who are to play at the Super Bowl halftime show may have to PAY to perform. Among those being considered on the short list for next year’s game are Rihanna, Katy Perry…and Coldplay. COLDPLAY? COLDF*CKINGPLAY? I-Man remarks, “How far down on the list do you have to go before you get to Coldplay?” Well, Carol Channing entertained during Superbowl IV, and the only way they could top that was to have the Whitest Singers in Captivity, ‘Up With People’, who did it FIVE TIMES. But when you compare them to other SuperBowl Halftime Show Headliners like N’Sync, The Black Eyed Peas and Boys II Men, we think we’d probably prefer ‘Up With People’.
“AND NOW, OUR TRIBUTE TO ‘TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN’!!!!!”
6:18:36 a.m. – The Boss says that he’s out of it this morning, because he spent all evening ready the ‘Unauthorized’ biography of Axl Rose. Well that makes sens….WHAT? Is he serious? The Unauthorized Biography of Axl Rose? Guess it’s better than the “Unauthorized AUTO Biography”. But that would suggest that Mr. Rose didn’t give himself permission to write about himself. Which is a moot point anyway, as we’re relatively sure Axl is illiterate. Which means he’s 52 but he reads at a 9 Month Old’s level.
AXL ROSE…LOOKS LIKE HE’S GONNA BE ‘KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVEN’S DOOR’ BEFORE THE WEEKEND’S OUT. ONE THING’S FOR SURE: HE’S GOT AN ‘APPETITE’ FOR MORE THAN JUST ‘DESTRUCTION’
6:26:40 a.m. – Bernie’s Briefing includes a story about Cindy Crawford taking her kids out of school after testing revealed that the infrastructure has high levels of polychlorinated biphenyls, or PCB’s, which are VERY toxic. (As opposed to the highly toxic levels found on the bugs jumping off of Cindy’s former husband, Richard Gere, the gerbil-lover) Imus, however, hears ‘Cindy Crawford’ as ‘Cindy Lauper’. Which is troubling to say the least. We already know he’s deaf. Maybe he’s blind as well?
OH YEAH, THAT’S AN EASY MISTAKE.
6:30:52a.m. – Shooter sings for the first time. It’s a song off his new EP, a tribute to George Jones. This one is ‘Don’t Wait Up (I’m Playing Possum)’ When you get to thinking about it, you probably shouldn’t wait up for ol’ George. We don’t think he’s just ‘playin’ possum’. If he is, he’s been playing it for a little over a year now. Which isn’t all that easy when you have six feet of dirt on top of you.
THE LATE GEORGE JONES. WELL, HE’S NOT LATE, HE AIN’T SHOWIN’ UP. SEE…HE’S NOT COMPOSING…HE’S DECOMPOSING.
6:40:08 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on, to discuss ISIS and the increasing tensions in the Middle East. She says that she meets the most intelligent, interesting, and engaging people in the Green Room. We thank her for her kind words as she leaves, then says, “Not you two fat assh*les. I meant Shooter and the Band.” Thanks, Grandma.
K.T. WHEN SHE FIRST CAME TO FOX ( L ) AND AS SHE IS TODAY ( R )
7:07:28 a.m. – Connell reports on the situation in Ferguson, and is confused as to what to call it. Is it an altercation? Is it a confrontation? He tells the audience ‘You decide’. The I-Man says that McShane shouldn’t put the onus on us. That’s HIS job. Imus doesn’t want to have to decide. So just tell him what the deal is and he’ll go with that. The Boss compares this shirking of responsibility to when, at a concert, the singer holds the microphone out to the audience to have them sing. Hey, motherf*cker, we paid to hear YOU sing. Don’t be getting us involved. Of course, when at a Miley Cyrus concert, one should take EVERY opportunity to sing, just to keep her from doing so.
IN BRUCE’S CASE…IT’S BECAUSE HE’S FORGOTTEN THE LYRICS
7:28:42 a.m. – Deirdre brings the I-Man a cold baked potato for breakfast. Imus feigns surprise, and then irritation, when, in fact, she’s just being romantic. On their first date, the Boss had one stuffed down in his Wrangler Jeans. Unfortunately, he didn’t know it was supposed to go in the front.
“HOLY IDAHO, BATMAN! IS THAT A SPUD IN YOUR TIGHTS, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE CATWOMAN?”
7:32:34 a.m. – Shooter sings George Jones’ ‘The Door’. It’s actually better than the George Jones’ version. At least the version he does now. Which is virtually unlistenable. Well, not virtually…it’s ACTUALLY unlistenable. Because the lid on the box has been screwed shut.
“LORD, NOTHING HAS EVER HURT ME MORE THAN THAT LONELY SOUND, THE CLOSING OF THE DOOR”
GOOD. GET OUT. AND STAY OUT
7:41:24 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE – It starts off contentiously with an argument over shoe size, and then degenerates to a discussion of ‘The Nutri-Bullet’, which does to food what your teeth can’t do. Which, in the I-Man’s case, would be…chew anything tougher than tapioca puddin’. Then they talk about SeaWorld not releasing the whales. Deirdre, of course, environmentalist and animal lover that she is, thinks they definitely should. Lis disagrees, saying that it’s just like zoos, SeaWorld is a place where people can go see the critters. Deirdre says to Lis, “I hope Shamu eats you!” As Imus notes, we…um…don’t want to go ‘there’.
“HEY LADY, THOSE LITTLE FISH AIN’T GONNA DO IT. COME A LITTLE CLOSER I WANT TO TELL YOU A SECRET.”
8:26:16 a.m. – The Cindy Crawford story is brought up again. Deirdre complains that Cindy is late to the party, there’s been PCB’s in Malibu for years. Right. Imus agrees. “She should take the caulk out, right Deirdre?” he asks her on camera. She concurs. “Yes, take the caulk out.” Which is a phrase that Deidre hasn’t uttered to Imus for years.
SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF A STICKY SUBSTANCE
8:27:14 a.m. – Shooter plays the classic George Jones’ hit ‘If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me.’ Which, fortunately, it didn’t do to the I-Man.
8:40:14 a.m. – Shooter plays ‘She Thinks I Still Care’. Which, unfortunately, we don’t. At least when it comes to George Jones. However…
8:53:11 a.m. – Shooter does an original tune, ‘Livin’ in a Minor Key’, which holds up against all the George Jones songs he’s played all morning, in fact, it’s arguably much better than any of Jones’, and is the I-Man’s favorite on Shooter’s new EP, ‘Don’t Wait Up.’ When it comes to the I-Man, he’s not living in a minor key, it’s a Seventh Flat Nine Subdominant Chord. Which is Major.
YOU CAN MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH A ‘SUB’ AND A ‘DOMINANT’ AS LONG AS THEY BOTH AGREE ON A SAFE WORD.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
CATCH THE LOVE WAVE! ‘ UP WITH PEOPLE’, SUPERBOWL XVI
Comments From the I-Man: Rob and Tony have 4 hours to write down what happened on the program. Is that what they do? No, of course not...they write down what they 'think' happened on the program and then...oh this is where it really gets great...and then they add stuff that they think is funny. They had four hours to open their fu*king mics and say something, actually anything, funny and of course, did not. No...they take things that were funny on the program and make then 'unfu*kingfunny' in their stupid blog. And could they suck up to Shooter enough?