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 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress must make Chemical Safety Act live up to its name

by Deirdre Imus - The Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act for the 21st Century has a nice ring to it. Named for the late, longtime New Jersey Senator who passed away in 2013, the bill, championed in the Senate by Republican David Vitter and Democratic Tom Udall, would reform the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976 (TSCA). It is a shame that both the current and proposed legislation fall far short of their lofty names, and that countless Americans have suffered, are suffering, will suffer as a result.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Monday
    Mar302015

    Todd Snider Stories

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Todd Snider is sick.  The I-Man was looking forward to TS.’s appearance this morning, but the boy is throwing up on the tour bus.  He was supposed to be on and sing to help promote his book I NEVER MET A STORY I DIDN’T LIKE which the I-Man maintains is great, as they are clever and amusing stories, not unlike the ones he tells when you go to see him perform live, which is a very entertaining evening.   He is, above all, a GREAT Storyteller.  And now, he’s got a new one to tell… “The time I threw up BEFORE I saw Imus.”

    “TREE HUGGIN’ PEACE LOVIN’ POT SMOKIN’, PORN WATCHIN’, LUNCH TOSSIN’ HIPPIES LIKE ME.”   

     6:08:18 a.m. – Imus watched ‘Killing Jesus’ last night…but fell asleep before it was over.  Probably because, unlike the Kentucky/Notre Dame Game on Saturday… he knows how the story ends. 

    ‘AIR JESUS’ FROM DOWNTOWN…UNFORTUNATELY, THIS FRIDAY, HE’LL BE ON THE D.L.  (BUT HE’LL START ON SUNDAY)

    6:012:22a.m. –  Indiana Governor Mike Pence was on with George Stephanopolis over the weekend.  But poor little Tiny Brokaw couldn’t get the Gov to answer a direct ‘Yes or No’ question about Indiana’s new Religious Freedom Law, which would, basically, allow Gays to be discriminated against by businesses and clergy whose beliefs run counter to homosexuals. The I-Man shows how he would take on the interview differently, “You answer, or I come across the desk!”  Which would be quite a feat, as the Governor was on Camera from Indiana, so effectively the Boss would be kicking a TV monitor’s ass.   

    THE I-MAN COULD DEFINITELY TAKE THIS PUSSY

    6:17:34  a.m. – Ashley does a story about Lululemon offering a new kind of pants for men… ABC…  (Anti-Ball-Crushing).   Dagen maintains that “If you’re a man and you walk into a Lululemon to get pants…you already don’t have a scrotum.”  Thereby making the purchase a moot point.

    EITHER THIS DUDE NEEDS A LARGER SIZE…OR THE ‘ABC’ TECHNOLOGY AT LULULEMON…DOESN’T WORK.          

    IT LOOKS LIKE A SNAIL STUCK IN A WATER BALLOON

    6:40:14 a.m. –  BBBBBBBBB BO DIETL!  Who is FIRED UP this morning!  And by ‘Fired Up’ we mean you could attach jumper cables to his nipples and power a small city.  The reason for the more than usual energy is…Bo is going to be a GRANDFATHER!   His daughter is ‘With Child’.  We can’t WAIT to see THIS baby!

    “HEY…I’M HUNGRY OVER HERE…HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE OUT YOUR BREASTITATIONS?”

    6:42:28 a.m. –  There’s a lot of talk of Lesbianics and Homosapiens…but, interestingly enough, Bo’s not speaking of the new law in Indiana, he’s railing about Hilary Clinton and Iran.  Somehow, he must think it’s the ‘Lesbianics’ and Homosapiens’ ‘s fault.

    A ‘LESBIONIC’  THE CLOSEST THING TO A ‘LESBIANIC’

    AND A ‘HOMOSAPIEN’ :  ‘DOES THIS LOINCLOTH MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?’

    7:05:10 a.m. –  During Dr. Bill’s Weather Report, he complains that on the plane back from Hawaii, the cabin was too cold, as it was SIX DEGREES KELVIN outside.  The I-Man wonders why our Meteorlollaggallist would care what temperature it was OUTSIDE the plane, but he admits that on the NetJets, they have something called ‘Air Show’ which provides information about the plane, it’s location in the air, its speed, the estimated time of landing AND the temperature outside.  All we know is…the temperature INSIDE the I-Jet is somewhere around that in which Orchids thrive and water begins to simmer.

    IT’S SO COLD OUTSIDE THE PLANE, THAT’S WHERE THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN SITS

    7:15:30 a.m. –  Ashley Webster reports that the Porn Industry is re-locating to Las Vegas from its original home in the San Fernando Valley.  Some reasons for the move, in Vegas there is no corporate tax, there are no condom laws, and gambling is legal…which is basically what they’ll be doing without condoms.  If you don’t practice same sex, ‘What Happens in Vegas’ won’t necessarily STAY in Vegas. 

    THE ODDS ARE BETTER THAN EVEN YOU’LL NEED A SHOT OF PENNICILLIN

    7:40:18 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS  Which, as you might imagine is very March Madness Heavy and the first item on the agenda is Whose Final Four are still alive in Tony Powell’s bracket pool.  Connell knows he’s in second place, but doubts the existence of the first place guy.  Somebody named Chris Felder , who nobody has seen, let alone heard of, causing the Boss to suggest that perhaps it’s an alter-ego of Tony Powell’s.    You know, like Chris Gaines is to Garth Brooks.

    CHRIS GAINES / GARTH BROOKS 

    TONY POWELL   /  ‘CHRIS FIEDLER’ 

    8:05:10 a.m. –  As we reported earlier, Todd Snider is sick, but, according to the I-Man, you shouldn’t say you’re ‘Throwing Up’, because everyone will know you’re lying.  He says you must say you have a ‘Fever’…because everybody has had a fever, and NOBODY who has a fever feels well.   Except for Music Producing Legend Bruce Dickenson…who, when he has a fever, the only prescription is ‘More Cowbell.’

    BRUCE DICKENSON IS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, HE PUTS HIS PANTS ON ONE LEG AT A TIME, EXCEPT WHEN HE DOES IT, HE MAKES HIT RECORDS.

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Imus says that, not only does he hope Todd feels better for his gig tonight at City Winery, but also that they are going to use some Deirdre’s ‘Greening the Cleaning’ products to sanitize the bus from the aftermath of Todd going ‘Pucky Pucky’ in there.  Because there won’t be any carcinogens or harsh chemical fumes as there would be with conventional cleaning products.  However, one must not forget that Mr. Snider has gone ‘Pucky Pucky’ in a BUS.  On which, harsh chemical fumes might actually be an improvement to the way it currently smells.

    IT WAS SO BAD, IT PERMEATED TO OUTSIDE THE BUS

    8:15:30 a.m  –  The I-Man tells another Todd Snider story…and then, afterwards, asks Bernie a question, revealing the fact that Bernard has not had his headphones on for the past 15 minutes.  He struggles to put them on and turns on his microphone, denying he wasn’t listening.  “What was I talking about?” challenges the I-Man.  Tony offers.  “Kentucky”.   Because, at this stage of the game, he’s not sure if what Imus says is a joke…or he really doesn’t remember what he’s just been talking about.

    BERNIE…BEDDY BYE…BRIEFLY. 

    8:17:34  a.m  –  Imus relates a story about a couple in his building who have a pair of Pitbulls who he meets sometimes on the elevator, when he goes downstairs to the Imus Office.   The wife doesn’t appear to have much control over the hounds, but the husband, on the other hand, screams at them like a Drill Sergeant.  At least that’s what Imus thinks.  In reality, the man is actually speaking to the I-Man.  Who wonders why his neighbor keeps telling him to “Play dead.” 

    A PITBULL WILL EAT YOUR BABY

    8:45:08  a.m  –  Todd Snider was AMAZING.  Sounded just like the record.  Although his stories were kind of dull…told awfully slowly.   And not very well.

    WE NEVER EXPECTED TODD TO SHOW UP WITH JOHNNY DEPP

    9:03:12 a.m. – Imus tries to tell the origin of ‘The Duck’ story, interrupting Connell’s report about the two bodies found in the building explosion down in the east village…when Connell points this out to the I-Man, the Boss snaps, demanding to know why Connell couldn’t have led with a less tragic story.  Sorry.  Fewer tragic.  Connell pauses to allow Imus to tell the ‘Duck Story’…we’ll be darned.  “And then the duck said…’I’m gonna start with this one.’ “   

    “IF YOU TELL THAT STUPID STORY JUST ONE MORE TIME…”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    TODD SNIDER’S FAMOUS ‘JERRY JEFF WALKER’ STORY

    PARTS ONE

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp66G-RQDz0

    AND TWO

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UVXRPMv99Q

    AT THE BIG TOP IN CHAUTAUQUA 2014

    Friday
    Mar272015

    Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

    6:06:06 a.m. –     Bernard is missing.  The program has been on for 6 minutes already, and Bernard is nowhere to be seen.  We think he may be carpooling with Bigfoot.

    THE I-MAN WON’T SEE THIS.  HE DOESN’T DO DAIRY.

    6:08:18 a.m. – Daxter Miles, the West Virginia Point Guard who guaranteed a victory, did not score a SINGLE point, during last night’s ass-whuppin’ against Kentucky.  The I-Man believes that if you are going to be guaranteeing a victory, the least you can do is contribute to that victory.   But WV got KILLED by KY…which is somewhat ironic, because Kentucky didn’t use any when they went all ‘Deliverance Style’ on them. 

    KENTUCKY COACH, JOHN CALIPARI , TO WEST VIRGINIA:  “YOU MOUNTAINEERS ALL GOT REAL PURTY MOUTHS…”

    6:011:22a.m. – The I-Man mentions that Imogen Lloyd Webber, coming up on the Hollywood and Vine segment, is always overprepared, and so he thinks she may be a little ‘Anal’.   Dagen concurs and repeats the  word.  Excuse us, we need to go throw some cold water on our faces.

    WE ARE EMPTYING THE ‘SPANK BUBBLE’ IN ORDER TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS

    6:15:120 a.m. – It’s Tournament Time, and Ashley is involved in a number of pools…one of which was the ‘Over/Under’ on how long it would take the I-Man to mentioned Dwight Yoakam.   We think he took the under.  Sorry, Ringo.  Imus is a little slow this morning…he’s probably on London Time.

    ASHLEY’S JUST  A HATER.  BECAUSE ALL BRITISH MEN ARE JEALOUS. 

    THEY ALL  WISH THEY COULD BE COWBOYS

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Catherine Herridge, Chief Intelligence Correspondent for the Fox News Network,  is on, and one of her Five Favorite Songs is from Imagine Dragons.  Which, apparently, is on the list because of the influence of her Nine Year Old Son.  Which, we suppose is better than having something on the list due to the influence of the I-Man…who has maintained his Five Favorite Song List ever since there were Madrigals on it.

    THE RENAISSANCE I-MAN SINGS MONTEVERDI’S ‘THE WELL MY STORM’

    (A CHE TORMI IL BEN MIO)     

    6:42:28 a.m. –  Ms. Herridge has a fascinating story…which includes her providing her, then infant, son, a piece of her own liver in a transplant that saved his life. She is a remarkable woman, so we are especially concerned that her promo picture makes her look like a ‘SIMS’ Character.

    THE REAL THING IS WAAAAY BETTER

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man tells us that the Number One Record on Amazon is Van Morrison’s ‘Duets: Re-Working the Catalogue’.  Number 2 is  Kendrick Lamar’s ‘To Pimp a Butterfly.’   At least its’ knocked Dylan’s Sinatra album down to number 10.

     

    7:15:30 a.m. – During Warner’s Sports Report, he refers to the West Virginia Point Guard who guaranteed a win against Kentucky, as Daxter MANLEY.  That would be DEXTER Manley, who used to be the Coke-Addicted All Pro Washington Redskins’ Defense End.  He meant Daxter MILES.   Who Warner thinks is Miles Davis.

    MILES DAXTER, OFFENSIVE HORNSMAN

    7:40:18 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE    Which covers a LOT of ground, One Direction’s Zayn Malik leaving the band,  Golfers who sing,  Robert Durst…as you can see, it’s quite the eclectic mix of ‘Hollywood’ Subjects.  We’d rather hear Dagen talk about how Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart’s new movie, ‘Get Hard’ being Racist and Homophobic.  Wow, the P.C. Police have really taken this too far…condemning a movie about prison because it features Hip Hop Sterotypes and Same Sex Relationships.   Because all Black People aren’t Rappers.  And there’s no ‘Same Sex’ going on in jail.  In fact, it’s quite different than most men are used to.

     

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that every time he drinks water he gets into HUGE coughing fits, and has so, for a number of years now.  In fact, when he and Deirdre would take the kids on the Ranch for a horseback ride, they’d stop for a water break and he would then have a mental patient coughing fit.  Which, unfortunately, would not spook his horse, (having gotten used to all kinds of the cranky cowboy’s idiosyncratic behaviors).

    “HEY!  I’M THIRSTY TOO, YOU KNOW!”

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Warner mentions during his Sports Report that at Kaufmann Stadium in Kansas City, the Health Inspectors found rat feces next to the pizza dough at the concession stands.   Which means one of two things…the rats either REALLY like the pizza at the snack bar…or there aren’t enough Cats in the stadium.

    “RATSH#T HERE!  GETCHA RATSH#T HERE!  GETCHA RED HOT RATSH#T HERE!”

    8:35:00 a.m  –  The Great Tony Danza is on to promote his Broadway Musical ‘Honeymoon in Vegas’, in which he stars, and which got AMAZING reviews, yet is having a lot of trouble putting asses in seats.  He is hoping that the I-Man can talk up the show and do some of his ‘Smokey Joes’ magic, and save it from Closing.  Mr. Danza is making a valiant effort, putting a lot of time, effort and a lot of his own money into keeping the company all working.  And so, as you can imagine, the former ‘Taxi’ star, is trying to prevent actually having to go back to driving a cab in real life.

    IF HONEYMOON IN VEGAS DOESN’T START DOING BETTER AT THE BOX OFFICE, TONY MAY WIND UP LOSING IT AND GOING BACK TO BEING A…TAXI DRIVER. “YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?”

    9:03:12 a.m. – Many people passing by outside on 47th Street stop to look at us through the window…marveling at the fact that we are broadcasting a live TV and Radio Program as they watch.  Although some tourists, especially the children, look at the I-Man, and assume that this is one of those Disney ‘Hall of Presidents’ Animatronic deals.   And the I-Man is Andrew Jackson.  The Boss IS remarkably life-like.

    “FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO…MAMA T WAS THERE WITH THE LEPERS AND SAID…”

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Hold me closer, Tony Danza

    Tony is such a good Tap Dancer, he can even tap to his Alma Mater’s Fight Song:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My4XoWMiYiA 

    Thursday
    Mar262015

    Mr. Gunzelman, Brothel Inspector

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Dwight Yoakam has challenged the I-Man to a Chess Match, an idea that The Boss finds laughable.  He sneers disdainfully at the Tight Dungaree Cowboy for the mere notion that hewould even CONSIDER something so idiotic.  It would be like Gunz Challenging Ronda Rousey to a Steel Cage Match.  “He wouldn’t last 40 moves with me. “

    “I’M CASTLING MY KING, MOTHERF**KER!  GET OUT OF THAT, BITCH!”

    “…CHECK”

    6:11:06 a.m. –   “I’d beat Willie Nelson’s ass too.   I’d take him out in about 4 moves.” , the Boss continues.   That is,  as long as the I-Team was playing at home.  If Willie had the ‘Bus Advantage’, it would be difficult to see the board through the cloud of Dope Smoke.

    WILLIE, THE ORIGINAL ‘CLOUD CHASER’

    6:09:18 a.m. – Imus reveals that he is sicker than 9.3 Dogs.  In fact, he feels so bad that, when he woke up at 3:30 this morning, he was actually planning to call in to say that he wouldn’t be coming to work, but he realized there was no one he could call , except for Carley and Connell.  He wouldn’t even attempt to get Bigfoot on the phone, as he rightfully assumed that Bowman wouldn’t be in the Control Room.  He then calls for Bigfoot, and Jessica puts up a shot that reveals…an empty seat.  As everyone who’s ever hunted a Bigfoot already knows…they are extremely hard to catch.

    “THESE ARE FRESH.  BOWMAN WAS JUST HERE…”

    6:12:18 a.m. – Bigfoot finally gets to work, and apologizes, claiming he was ‘Stuck in the Tunnel.’   It was probably a cave in on the one he’s digging with a spoon in the basement of the News Corp Building in an attempt to ‘Escape’.

    TOM ‘ALMOST MADE IT’ , BUT STEVE MCQUEEN CHOKED WHEN THE I-MAN STARTED RANTING

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Richard Haass is on to talk about Yemen.  He describes what’s going on over there as a Classic Civil War, a Proxy War, a Regional War.   Just so we’re clear, Dicki…you’re saying its’…a war?  WAR!  Good God!  What is it good for!  Absolutely.  NOTHIN’.   Say it again now!

    EDWIN STARR FROM THE MUSIC VIDEO OF HIS MOTOWN HIT,

     ‘WAR (WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?)’

    6:42:27 a.m. –  Mr. Haass goes on to say that he fears that Yemen will end up being a failed state, or, as he likes to call it, Ungoverned Spaces, where Terrorism can easily take root, much as plaque can get under your gums and cause Mr. Tooth Decay.  Which, from what we can see, has already happened with the Yemeni.

    ALMOST AS BAD AS THE BRITISH

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Mr. Imus says that he will be watching ‘Killing Jesus’ on the Nat Geo channel, which, we believe, is a strange choice of network for the airing, as the National Geographic Channel’s target audience is adolescent boys looking to catch a glimpse of Aborigine Nipple.  The I-Man says he only read part of O’Reilly’s book, because he got irritated and doesn’t know why, (This month’s Theme:  ‘I Don’t Know Why’) however, WE think we know why.  It’s because his name isn’t mentioned anywhere in the text. 

    ‘GOD’S OTHER SON’ GETS A LIFT FROM HIS BIG BROTHER J.C.

    7:16:46 a.m. – After whining about not having a copy of Dwight Yoakam’s new album ‘Second Hand Heart’, but then Lou finds a few tunes from it online, one of which, is the ‘Title Tune’, prompting the Boss to comment that, more often than not, the Title Track from an album is usually not the best song on the record.  He offers, as a glaring example, Lucinda Williams’ ‘Down Where the Spirit Meets The Bone’, which, we find a moot point, as NONE of the songs on the album are the best ones.  Just like the Title Track from Abbey Road.

    JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND DWIGHT

    7:19:44 a.m. – Ashley reports that there may be a job opening for Gunz in Germany, where they are looking for a ‘Brothel Inspector’, someone to check the sanitary conditions and health of the hookers.   Why does Ashley believe that Gunz is perfect for this position?  The German Want Ad reads:  ‘No Experience Necessary’, which, Lord knows,  applies to Mr. Gunzelman. 

    “THERE ISN’T A WORKING GREASE TRAP IN THE KITCHEN, SO I HAVE TO GIVE THIS BROTHEL  A… ‘C’.  SORRY, LADIES… BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED TO CHANGE MY GRADE WITH A LITTLE… ‘ENCOURAGEMENT’.”

    “NEIN, DANKE, SIE STIEFMÜTTERCHEN.  WIR BLEIBEN MIT DER KLASSE ‘C’”

    (No thanks, Pansy.  We’ll stick with the ‘C’)

    7:40:18 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE  or, as we like to call it, MAYBE WATERBOARDING  ISN’T ALL THAT BAD AFTER ALL.   The ladies talk about, among other things, ‘Genetically Modified Foods’, which, naturally, Enviro-Barbie is against, although Lis Wiehl says she would happily eat a tomato that had flounder DNA in it.  Which plays into the next topic, where a new Documentary about the Childhood Obesity Epidemic reveals a lack of availability of good, nutritious foods in poor communities, such as those in Mississippi.  Deirdre calls into question Lis’ ‘Skinny Legs’ and we don’t know if it’s because her dietary habits include GMOs or unhealthy comestibles, because they were screaming so loud over each other, we couldn’t hear the inspiration for the comment.  The I-Man concurs that Lis DOES have ‘Skinny Legs’, which is a complete 180 for him.  Usually, it’s the ‘FAT’ legs he focuses on.

    “DOES THIS DRESS MAKE MY LEGS LOOK SKINNY?”  

    ACTUALLY, WE THINK LIS’ OLIVE OYL MATCHSTICK GAMS…ARE KINDA HOT

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man got FOOD on his shirt!  It has begun.  The Prophecy of Wyatt has come to pass.  The Boss is beginning the short journey toward the oatmeal falling out of his mouth.   Nat comes to the rescue with a ‘Shout It Out’ Pen.  Which is the PERFECT solution for the I-Man’s problem…because he’s so effing DEAF.

    “LET ME GET SOME ‘SHOUT’, BRO.”   “WHAT?”  “I’M GOING TO GET SOME SHOUT TO REMOVE THAT STAIN ON YOUR SHIRT.”  “WHAT?”   

    “I’M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO TAKE THE F**KING STAIN OUT OF YOUR F**KING SHIRT, YOU DEAF OLD F**K!”

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Imus wisely observes that “People are Crazier than they used to be.”  He says this just prior to Promoting Mary Matalin’s appearance coming up at the bottom of the hour.  Coincidence?  Who’s to say?

    MARY MATALIN: BATSH#T CRAZY

    8:40:16 a.m. – Mary Matalin is on the phone, and she does NOT want to go down the ‘Used to Work For That War Criminal, Draft Dodging, Friend’s Face Shooting Dick Cheney’ Road, as the I-Man attempts to lead her there.  We suspect Mary may have already been in the cooking Sherry…after all, she IS in New Orleans, and it’s 7:40 a.m. there, which is already two hours after what they call their 5 O’clock.  (Happy Hour Starts in the morning, continues through the day, and most of the night, taking off just 20 Minutes around 4:15 a.m. to change the Beer Kegs)  Laissez Les Bon Temps Roule!   She makes the following statement:  “Ted Cruz is a genius.”  Obviously, Mary is drinking for two this morning.

    “I LOVE THE SMELL OF MERLOT IN THE MORNING…IT SMELLS LIKE…A FRENCHMAN’S MUSTACHE.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE AUSTRALIAN GUNZ, WITH

     ‘INSPECTOR’S FUNNIEST BROTHEL VIDEOS’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9iVK58j4_U 

    Wednesday
    Mar252015

    Sam Jones

    6:05:16 a.m. –   “I want my money Bitch.” Is how the Boss begins the program this morning, referring to the Will Ferrell video about the Landlord that put Funny or Die on the map.   Mr. Ferrell was interviewed on ‘Off Camera With Sam Jones’ on Direct TV’s Audience Channel.  Mr. Smith is a photographer, and the I-Man doesn’t know if he’s as good as Mark Seliger, or, for that matter, Annie Liebowitz, but he likes Mr. Smith as an interviewer, yet he doesn’t know why.   

    WELL, WE THINK WE KNOW WHY.

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Ted Cruz was on with Sean Hannity last night, and, although Imus didn’t see it, he heard that it was sickening.  Now he knows how we feel when he interviews Frank Luntz.

     

    TED CRUZ DOPPELGANGER, MR. HANEY FROM ‘GREEN ACRES’ OFFERS TO HELP SENATOR CRUZ’S CAMPAIGN: 

    “SO I HEAR TELL YOU WANNA BE THE PRESIDENT.  WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I GOT A NOMINATION ON THE TRUCK HERE, THAT I CAN LET YOU HAVE FOR FORTY FIVE DOLLARS.”

    6:18:14 a.m. –  The I-Man reads in Rolling Stone, (he doesn’t know why, but he’s perusing an article about Bill Withers…it seems this ‘Not Knowing If or Why’ thing is a chronic condition), and discovers that Dwight Yoakum has a new record, ‘Second Hand Heart’, and he wants a copy of it. NOW.  He texts Dwight, threatening him with violence if he doesn’t send it and expects a reply sometime later this afternoon, but Dwight responds within 5 seconds, which means that Dwight is up at 3 A.M. on the West Coast.  What’s impressive is that, while he’s hanging upside down like a bat, Dwight is still able to text.

    MUSICIANS LEAD COMPLICATED LIVES.  DWIGHT’S JUST HAPPENS TO BE NOCTURNAL

    6:22:44 a.m. –  Ashley reports that 3G Capital, a Brazilian Private Equity Firm, has purchased Kraft foods and plans to merge it with Heinz.  “So you can have your Mac & Cheese with Ketchup.”  Ashley says excitedly.  Because you know how those Brits are experts on…cuisine.

    THE BRITISH VERSION INCLUDES BANGERS, AND NOT THE KIND YOU NEED A CONDOM FOR.  ALTHOUGH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE IF YOU’RE PLANNING ON PRACTICING ‘SAFE SAUSAGE’

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Congressman Peter King is on, who, like the I-Man, is not a fan of Ted Cruz, and says that he is going to New Hampshire, to explore the possibility of running for president.   Imus basically tells Congressman King that he has about as much chance at becoming president as Gunz has of having sex with Bar Rafaeli.

    THERE WILL BE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST, BILL COSBY WILL BUY A STARBUCKS, AND THE BEATLES WILL GET BACK TOGETHER BEFORE THIS HAPPENS

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Fran Wood sends an Email to the I-Man, claiming that she rolled her eyes when she first heard Deirdre going on about the abundance of Plastic in the Oceans, and then she heard about it on NPR, and then later in the day, read an article about the very same thing, and so she said Deirdre was ‘ABOSLUTELY RIGHT’ about what she was talking about.  Thanks Fran.  Here’s a little suggestion:  You stay out of the goings on of our Radio and Television Program, and we won’t attempt to paint ‘art’ that looks like it was created in Occupational Therapy at the Mental Hospital.

    FRAN’S ‘BOY FINDING PLASTIC IN OCEAN’  SHE MADE IT LAST WEEK WHEN ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE IN HER GROUP WERE EATING THE CRAYONS

    7:16:46 a.m. – Imus has been saying all morning that he would definitely vote for Donald Trump for President.  We can’t decide if this is genius…or disturbing.  Unless of course, he chooses Omarosa as his running mate.

    A TRUMP / MANIGAULT TICKET FOR 2016

    7:19:44 a.m. –   The I-Man has also been talking about a Letter to the Editor in the New York Times that Deirdre pointed out to him regarding the subject of Fat Shaming, and how the obsession with, and defining people by, their weight results in poor self-esteem, body image and sense of worth.  He says he now actually FEELS BAD that he calls people ‘Fat’.  Stupid, however…is still on the books.

    “YOU ARE REALLLLLLLLY…STUPID.”

    7:40:18 a.m. – As Lis Wiehl is ill, PSYCHOS III , a bonus edition, is replacing Blonde on Blonde this morning, despite the fact that tomorrow will be PSYCHOS II , but we assume the Boss is going ‘Tarantino Style’ with the format of the program this week.  On the panel this morning, Deirdre and Dagen, PSYCHO veterans, and newcomers Michael Riedel and Arthur Aidala.  Riedel begins the conversation by suggesting that the Democrats need to run someone against Hillary, because the idea of a ‘Hillary Coronation’ makes him crazy, Arthur Aidala bemoans the breakdown of the ‘Family’, because Baseball games are so expensive… (um…a stretch?  That’s really the reason?  We thought it was that child support was so expensive)  Deirdre’s beef, (sorry, we know she’s Vegan)  is that she will ask the I-Man if he’s hungry, he will say ‘No’, and so she prepares something for herself and Wyatt, and then the Boss will come around and sit next to the table like the dog, giving his wife ‘The Virgil Face’.   Which is yet more canine behavior for her husband, besides the barking and the ‘marking’ his territory in the living room with Urine.  Dagen  is pissed off at herself for watching the Real Housewives, and spending time with vapid, botoxed, women, getting drunk and getting into fights. We assume it’s because she could better spend that same time getting drunk and getting into fights herself.

    NOTHING BEATS A GOOD CATFIGHT

    8:15:10 a.m. – The Conversation turns, once again, to the Republican Presidential Candidates, and Imus weighs in, (so to speak) on Chris Christie,  who he deems a ‘Fat Loser’.   Actually, it was a ‘Fat, Disloyal, Ungrateful Ingrate Loser’.  Which is absolutely not true.  He’s a ‘Morbidly Obese, Disloyal, Ungrateful, Ingrate Loser.’    So much for eschewing the ‘Fat Shaming’.   (See what we did there?  It reminds you of the phrase ‘Chewing the Fat’.  Because…oh, forget it.  You’re all fat stupid bastards.)

    HE’D THROW HIS HAT IN THE RING…BUT HE ATE IT.

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Bill O’Reilly is on, but can’t stay, because he has to go on ‘Fox n’ Fiends’, as the Boss hilariously calls it.  Bill’s on to promote the airing of the movie adaption of his Best Seller KILLING JESUS , which had some interesting new information, such as Christ was 36 and NOT 33 when He was crucified, which, makes a huge difference, because…um…we’re not sure why.  But at least the Crucifixion part is still correct, and Bill didn’t find out that Jesus wasn’t shot in the back of the head from the grassy knoll by the Mafia because He was messing with the Mob’s money.  However, it was still the Italians, (Romans) and they WERE upset that he was messing with their money.  Mr. O’Reilly found that the motive for His death was “ All about the money.”    We’re just surprised that Jesus, as He was a fisherman, wasn’t sent to go sleep with them.

    THE I-MAN DIDN’T READ ‘KILLING JESUS’, BECAUSE WHEN HE LOOKED IN THE INDEX, HE DIDN’T SEE HIS NAME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE WAS THE ENTERTAINMENT AT THE LAST SUPPER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SAM JONES

     

    SEE WHAT ALL THE IMUS FUSS IS ABOUT

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fy6PHf4oR-Y 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITBs4orCI4U 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uZZASltn8s 

    http://offcamera.com/#watch-free 

    And check out the website:

     

    https://www.directv.com/tv/Off-Camera-with-Sam-Jones-UzJxcVdKR09SdHlGby9GckxSaXJvUT09 

    Tuesday
    Mar242015

    The I-Man Decides He's Sick

    6:06:12 a.m. –    We learn that Warner is going to be on PSYCHOS  this morning.  Which is a shock to all of us.  Not because he’s on the panel, but…that it took this long.  Ol’ ‘Pop Fly’ is certifiable.

    “LET ME GO!  THE TEAM NEEDS ME!  I HAVE TO HIT THE WALK OFF HOME RUN AND WIN THE PENNANT FOR BROOKLYN!”

    6:09:18 a.m. – Dagen reports that the NFL is going to broadcast an ‘Internet Only’ game this season.  Warner follows up and says it will be the Bills vs. the Jaguars, which, on the surface, doesn’t appear to be that exciting a game, but Imus offers that Buffalo is supposed to be good this year.  Warner counters: “They have no Quarterback.”   The boss is confused.  Warner means that they don’t have an ACCEPTABLE Quarterback.  Not that there will be an empty space behind the center.  Although, that WOULD make for a very exciting game, as every snap would be a fumble.

    THE WAY WARNER SEES THE BILLS

    6:40:44 a.m. –   Mike Baker is on, and we suspect that the C.I.A. has reinstated their L.S.D. program…because he says he admires Ted Cruz’s personal stance…that he thinks he’s got conviction and stands behind it.  We’ll excuse you while you kiss the sky, Mike.  After the interview, he comes back and tells us he thinks that “I-Man’s face is melting.”   But that’s not the L.S.D. talking.  It actually does look like it’s melting.   Because he doesn’t feel well.

    “NO, NUMBNUTS…I’M NOT RIDING A UNICORN. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON?”

    7:05:12 a.m. –  The I-Man is not happy with his hair this morning.  Theresa comes in to do a ‘Pit Stop’, brush and spray in hand…but it’s clear it’s tantamount to having ashtrays on the Hindenburg. 

    WE DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S COMPLAINING ABOUT.  WE THINK HIS HAIR LOOKS ‘BOSS’

    7:11:22 a.m. – The Boss relates that Bigfoot called him yesterday after the show, all hysterical wanting to know what ‘Big Announcement’ the I-Man was going to make.   The problem is, Imus doesn’t remember what the ‘Big Announcement’ was.   Maybe HE’S going to campaign for president?  Or he just ‘Made Potty Like a Big Boy.’?

    NOW THERE’S ONE LESS THING FOR DEIRDRE TO DO. OOPS!  WE’RE SORRY.    ONE FEWER  THING FOR DEIRDRE TO DO.

    7:18:19 a.m. –  The I-Man decides he is sick.  He’s been stuffed up all morning and feels like crap, but has just NOW come to the realization that he is ill.  Which makes us wonder what he feels like when he ISN’T sick, if it took him this long to come to this conclusion.  

    MAYBE HE’S JUST  ‘BACK ON THE BLOW’.   (THAT JOKE NEVER GETS OLD)

    7:40:19 a.m. – PSYCHOS, this week, featuring a ‘FIRED UP’ Warner Wolf, who, apparently, is NOT a fan of President Obama.  He blames the President for the failure of America’s foreign policy, destroying our relationship with Israel and this season of ‘House of Cards’ sucking.  Dagen is apoplectic over drivers who don’t give pedestrians the right of way , Nat is fed up with Social Media and millennials with no lives who feel compelled to post photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram of what they had for breakfast, and Deirdre goes positively BALLISTIC over the human race being ‘Plastic Pigs’…8 million tons of the man-made substance being dumped in our oceans every year.   We did some research, and as of 2014, an estimated 5 TRILLION plastic particle, weighing nearly 267 tons are floating around the earth’s wates.   However, we are stunned by her outburst, as this is so unlike Deirdre, who is usually reserved and measured when it comes to topics about which she is passionate, such as the Environment.  Which reminds us of Godzilla, every time he visits Tokyo.

    OH, NO…THERE GOES THE INDIAN OCEAN…

    7:43:44 a.m. –  We discovered that Imus is a ‘Squirrel Murderer’.  Apparently, the Boss was driving, and, according to Deirdre, eating crackers, and so, did not see the squirrel in front of the Escalade, and, of course, in such a scenario, the Squirrel loses.  Somewhere out there, there’s a Squirrel family that has lost it’s ‘Nut-Winner’, just because some old cranky cowboy had to stuff his face with a Triscuit.  Chip, the Squirrel’s son, then swears an oath to avenge his father’s death.  And takes to the highway to…wait.

    THE BOSS WON’T SEE THIS SQUIRREL EITHER.

    8:05:20 a.m. – Neil Cavuto emails the I-Man, suggesting that the Boss sounds ‘Down’.  Hey Neil.  Butt out.  You’d be down too if you felt as sick as Imus does.  But he doesn’t take off work every time he gets a hangnail.  It’s a true ‘Profile in Courage’ that he’s even HERE to take your stupid email.  How do you have time to write with all those ‘Donut Breaks’?

    THE REASON WHY NEIL IS ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD.  IT’S OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE HE’S JACKED UP  ON SUGAR.

    8:16:41 a.m. –  Ashley reports that due to the tragic crash in the French Alps, Lufthansa, Air Bus and other airline stocks have dropped significantly, leading the I-Man to correctly observe: “142 people die in an airplane cash, and these money grubbing bastards are dumping the stock?”  We are horrified by this revelation, as we’re not allowed to have our cell phones on the set, so we can’t make that call to our brokers.

    WE HAVEN’T SEEN SOMETHING GO DOWN THIS FAST SINCE KIM KARDASHIAN (WE WOULD’VE SAID MONICA LEWINSKY, BUT WE AGREE WITH THE I-MAN.  THAT POOR GIRL HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH.)

    8:35:20 a.m  – Author Michael Lewis is on to promote the paperback version of his book FLASH BOYS  which is about a small group of Wall Street Guys who figure out that the U.S. Stock Market has been rigged for the benefit of insiders.  It’s fascinating, the way these guys are able to manipulate the market, and we are on the edge of our seats until the I-Man decides to play some Lucinda Williams for Mr. Lewis.  Which is relevant, because, not unlike the Wall Street Traders on Black Tuesday in 1929, Lucinda’s music makes you want to jump out of a building. 

    “SO I GUESS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ‘MAMAS DON’T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE COWBOYS?  AND I ASSUME ‘WEST MEMPHIS’ IS ALSO COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    For those of you who want to finally get rid of your diaper, (Even if it’s a Depends) here’s a celebration of

     

    ‘GOING POTTY’

    Go Potty Go!

     

    MOMMY, LOOK! MY POO POO IS SINGING!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bc1_3IuIuI4 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhzIMSI5eUQ 

    (To our knowledge, the only Potty Song to ever break into a ‘Reggae’ Beat)