Friday
Sep192014

The Thing About Bluegrass

6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man’s got something on his lip.  And it’s surprising that it’s not Roger Ailes’ ass.  He had something removed, and now has a stitch on the lower right corner of his mouth.  We never heard anything about this surgery before, and so we suspect he made up the malady just so he could get some of those “Personality Pills”.  The doctor, if you can believe it, actually tried to give Imus TYLENOL.   F*CKING TYLENOL!  Didn’t that sh*t kill a bunch of people a few years ago?

 

6:12:34 a.m. –  Scotland has voted to stay in the U.K.  Probably because it was too expensive to become their own nation.  You know…that sterotype about Scottish People being all stingy and cheap?  Yes?  Ahh, who gives a sh*t.  It’s a bunch of Haggis eating dudes wearing plaid skirts.

  FROM THE ‘WOOL-WORTHY HOTTIES’ WEBSITE.  SEAN CONNERY. 

IF A BODY CATCH A BODY COMIN’ THROUGH THE RYE…SHOOT THE BASTARD

6:18:08 a.m. – The GREAT Sam Moore is here with his Bluegrass Band….what?  The GREAT Sam Moore is here with his BLUEGRASS BAND.  That’s what we thought you said.  Can’t wait to hear ‘Soul Man’ done on Banjo, Fiddle and Mandolin.

SAM & DAVEY BOB, JIM BOB, COOTER & SLUDGE

6:28:08 a.m. – Sam & his Bluegrass band, ‘Nu-Blu’ do his new song, ‘Jesus and Jones’, comparing Christ to Possum.  We think it’s a stretch.  Jesus came back from the dead…George, so far…not so much.   But then again, he was always known for ‘Not Showing Up’.

 

THE LAST JEW IN COUNTRY MUSIC.  BEFORE KINKY, THAT IS.

6:38:08 a.m. – K.T. McFarland, Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs for Reagan is here.  Although Defense for Public Affairs might have come in handy during the Clinton Administration but…20/20 Hindsight.  She is on to discuss the ISIS/ISIL situation.  The I-Man continues to ponder why the President insists of calling them ‘ISIL’.  She attempts to explain, telling him the Terrorist Group now refers themselves as ‘IS’.   As in “We Just Is.”    Jesus.  We haven’t seen so much re-branding since Madonna.

MADGE, EVER THE PEACEKEEPER, SOLVES THE MIDDLE EAST CRISIS

7:09:28 a.m. – Talk about Irony.  Turns out that Dr. Gwen Korovin, the woman who cleans the I-Man’s ears, was the doctor in the operating room with Joan Rivers.  AND, according to TMZ, was the one who took the ‘Selfie’, a charge she denies.  Although, if you’ve been to her office, you’ll notice she’s got 8x10’s of HUNDREDS of Celebrity Patients.  Maybe she just needed one more to complete the set. 

DR. GWEN WITH THE JOAN RIVERS FIGURE AT MADAME TUSSAUD’S…OH, WAIT A MINUTE…THAT’S THE REAL JOAN RIVERS.  HARD TO TELL THEM APART.  THEY’RE BOTH REALLY SHINY

7:18:42 a.m. –  The I-Man says that Bernie’s remarks about Dr. Korovin, (“You win some, you lose some”) are going to send him to hell faster than anybody’s ever gone.  Dagen reports that she can’t wait to see the Joan Rivers balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Okay. Maybe Bernie WON’T be the fastest.

THE ‘HELLO JOANIE’ BALLOON DEBUTS THIS THANKSGIVING

7:22:44 a.m. –  Imus relates that he wanted to stop in Clovis, New Mexico, to buy a Buddy  Holly T-Shirt at the Buddy Holly museum.  Much to his dismay, the co-ordinates on his Google Map sent him to an open field.  Which might actually BE the Buddy Holly museum, as the plane he and the Big Bopper and Richie Valens were in went down IN a field in Iowa.  The I-Man asked people to direct him to the museum, and was disheartened to find that people in Clovis didn’t know who Buddy Holly is.  They DID, however know who HE is.  “You’re that potty-mouthed JEW on the radio up there in New York.”

BUDDY IMUS.  HE’S GOT A PRIVATE PLANE TOO.

 WE’RE NOT SAYING,  WE’RE JUST SAYING

7:41:24 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS with new permanent member, Carley Shimkus.  Carley answers the question “Should NFL players be allowed to beat their spouses, their kids, their agents or their meat?” the same way everyone else does:  “Meat.”  Except her perception of what ‘Beating your meat’, is that scene in Rocky when he’s in the Butcher Locker using a side of beef as a heavy bag.  Um…yeah, Carley.  That’s it.  The Rocky Movie. 

ROCKY BALBOA TENDERIZING SUNDAY DINNER

 

BUT YOU CAN’T BEAT THIS MEAT

7:56:32 a.m. –  Neil Cavuto stops by for a visit.  The I-Man accuses him of being a suck up to Rupert Murdoch, then, immediately wants to know if Mr. Murdoch even knows that he works for him.  Has Imus ever spoken to Mr. Murdoch?  No.  Then YES, he DOES know he’s working for him.

NEIL PAYS TRIBUTE TO RUPERT MURDOCH

8:07:16 a.m. –  The I-Man plays a clip of Mr. Cavuto from yesterday’s Election Coverage, where Neil does his ‘Scottish Accent’, which sounds suspiciously like Tom Brokaw trying to speak Mandarin Chinese.     

NEIL CAVUTO DOING HIS ‘SCOTTISH CHARACTER’

8:11:24 a.m. –  BREAKING NEWS! WABC has hired JOAN HAMBURG to do weekends on the radio!  The I-Man says that they hired her because Long John Knebel is dead.  The Good News is that she brings a whole new revenue stream with her.  You can’t have enough Assisted Living Facilities, Funeral Homes, Little Rascal Scooter Dealers or Reverse Mortgage Sponsors.  She will be broadcasting from the ‘Depends Studio’. 

THE HIRING OF JOAN (ABOVE) IS VERY EXCITING TO HER FANS (BELOW)

 8:18:36 a.m. – Cavuto and the I-Man engage in their usual banter.  Imus tries to get Neil to leave by saying “There’s a new tray of donuts in the Green Room.”   The C-Man counters with “Oh yeah?  Well there’s some fresh vials of blood outside, you want me to bring some in for you?”   Which is true.  There are, however, no donuts.  Not as long as Rob is in the Green Room.

NEIL WITH HIS FAVORITE OF THE FIVE FOOD GROUPS

8:40:00 a.m. – Sam and Nu Blu do another song.   Um…nope.  It’s ‘Jesus and Jones’ again.  Although we think this is a different version because Sam is singing different lyrics.  But who are we to make such judgements.  This is Sam Mother F*cking Moore.  He could sing ‘Old MacDonald Had A Farm’ and make it sound good.

 

THE FLIP SIDE TO ‘TWINKLE TWINKLE’

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

NEIL CAVUTO PRACTICING HIS SCOTTISH ACCENT

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4WlkJXWzmE

 

Comments from the I-Man: It's Long John Nebel, not Knebel!

Wednesday
Sep172014

Smooth Sailing

6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man’s back hurts so bad, it’s actually making him sick.  Which is somewhat ironic, because his beginning the program with a complaint is making US sick.  He’s actually thinking of having a Doctor to look at it.  Which will make HIM sick.  Unless it’s Dr. Aaron Katz, the I-Man’s urologist.  Who has seen EVERYTHING.

WE APOLOGIZE IF THIS PHOTO…MAKES YOU SICK

6:17:34 a.m. – Vinnie Andrews calls the I-Man and says “I can get you some of that ‘Ali-Baba’ stuff.  In the old days, that call would’ve come from somebody else, and it would have been about some special kind of… ‘stuff’, from someone he would have to meet on a street corner at 3:30 in the morning.  Who would inevitably be an hour late.  Andrews says it’s a hot stock, some kind of Chinese ‘Amazon’ deal.  Deirdre, however, must sign the order as well, and demands to know what it is.  At that time, the Boss didn’t know what Ali-Baba was, and so he told Deirdre that it was “Some kind of product that makes babies become vegetarians.”  Deirdre has her own method to make adults become vegetarians:  Nag the beast until it succumbs, and then starve it until it will be willing to eat Tofu.

 “MY FRIEND!  CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME HUMMUS?  IT IS VEGETARIAN!”

6:20:40 a.m. – Connell reads a story about ISIS death threats against the Pope.  Yes.  THAT Pope.  While Connell reports this horrifying development, the I-Man is otherwise occupied with more pressing issues:  Finding out the caloric values of the things he puts in his Starbucks Oatmeal.  Nuts, Brown Sugar, Dried Fruit…together, they add 250 calories to his morning Gruel, which, unadulterated, is 140.   Good thing Carley’s urine has ZERO calories.

THAT PEE IS A LITTLE ‘BRIGHT’.  CARLEY NEEDS TO DRINK MORE WATER.

6:40:10a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris, Spiritual Advisor to the Program, is on to promote his book: The Way of Serenity which is a guide to life using St. Francis’ Serenity Prayer:   ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’  We always thought ‘Serenity’ was the name of one of the ‘Exotic Dancers’ at the Hustler Club.  We too, say a prayer every morning before we enter the studio:  ‘Yay though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I fear no evil.’    We call it ‘St. Imus Prayer’.

APPARENTLY, THE FATHER HAD SOME HELP WRITING THE BOOK

(BESIDES JESUS)

7:09:18 a.m. – Warner reports that Mike Francesa, the ‘Sports Pope’ received a letter from CBS, the network that owns WFAN, the station upon which his show is broadcast, threatening to sue him for complaining about Fox Sports 1 & 2.  He has whined incessantly about Fox for pre-empting his show for, in his view, insignificant sporting events such as NASCAR, Soccer and UFC.  CBS denies the existence of this letter, while Francesa insists that he can produce the document.  Not that we are suggesting that the letter was forged by Mr. Francesa, but the words ‘Sports’, ‘pre-empt’, and ‘UFC’ were all misspelled.

“I R THE BIGGEST SPROTS REPORTIR IN THE WERLD”

7:41:24 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE Which begins with a heated debate about our nation being a ‘Godless Society’.  We ourselves are doubting the existence of a Supreme Being, as surely, a merciful God would not subject us to two ladies shrieking at each other over the topic of Prayer in Schools.  Deirdre maintains that there was Prayer in Public Schools until 1963.  Which was the year The Beatles became known by America.  We blame John, Paul and George for replacing St. John, St. Paul and St. George in schoolchildren’s lives.  Of course, there was no St. Ringo, but we think he had something to do with the reduction of numbers in Hebrew School.  We begin praying ourselves.  That the hellish sound of the shrieking harpies will stop.

FURTHER PROOF THAT THERE IS NO GOD

7:48:01 a.m. – Nat Candido has been telling everybody that he’s a ‘D List’ Celebrity, and uses that cred to get dates on Match.com.   The ever-helpful Boss attempts to set him up with Lis Wiehl.  Who isn’t interested in a ‘Mrs. Robinson’ kind of deal, given that there is 68 years difference between herself and 32 year old Mr. Candido.  Of course, his hairy back doesn’t help.  Nat is a hirsute young man.  Think a Grizzly Bear with a shaved head, who, when takes a shower, pulls enough fur out of the drain to knit an angora sweater.

LIS & NAT ON THEIR FIRST DATE.  IT DIDN’T END WELL.  (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

8:06:32 a.m. –  Imus relates that he was on the phone with Kinky, and had to get off to tend to something more important, and told the Kinkster that he would call him back.  He never did.  Which is an unusual situation, as the I-Man is nothing but impeccable in keeping his word.  Although, given his level of self-absorption, not calling Kinky back is certainly understandable.  In fact, we believe the boy is still on the phone, talking about himself.

KINKY, IN A PHONE BOOTH THAT HE MISTOOK FOR A SLOT MACHINE, STILL ON THE PHONE, UNAWARE THE I-MAN HUNG UP

8:15:30 a.m. –  The I-Man receives an E-Mail from Neil Cavuto, and, although he likes Neil, maintains that he’s ‘Half a Diva’.  Connell finds this amusing.  “He’s a Diva?” McShane cynically asks, implying that the Boss is, himself, a Diva.  An implication from which you could infer that Imus’ incessant obsession with his hair, his constant medical updates, his Mani-Pedi appointments and custom-made Joseph Abboud Jackets would qualify him as such.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  The Merriam Webster definition of the word ‘Diva’ is “A famous and successful woman who is very attractive and fashionable; especially : an attractive and successful female performer or celebrity”  C’mon.  The I-Man isn’t exactly what you would call ‘attractive’.

A HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED MAN WHO HAUNTS PEOPLE…AND THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

8:38:14 a.m. –  The Reverend Jonathan Mason is on to talk about ‘Camp New Joy’, his charity, which will focus on “Providing ‘At Risk’ minority youth an ‘Out of Environment’ experience’” with a mission to change lives.  It’s like The Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer, except you can eat bacon.   

THE REVEREND MASON. APPARENTLY, HE DOESN’T EMBRACE A ‘VEGAN’ DIET

9:05:00 a.m. – Normally, the I-Man would be in the car by now, listening to Bernie and Connell and Dagen run the show.  He says they’re actually pretty good.  Which makes us suspicious that he’s drinking again.  Listening to them and Warner trying to keep the party going has the same effect as putting sand in your KY Jelly.

 FOR ‘SMOOTH SAILING’

9:06:12 a.m. – A story that has been reported all morning concerns the late, great, Joan Rivers.  Apparently, there is a ‘Selfie’ photo that her Doctor took with her WHILE SHE WAS UNDER ANAESTHESIA!  We would never do that if it was the I-Man who was being operated on.

FOR THE OTHER SELFIE THEY PUT HER FINGERS INTO A ‘PEACE SIGN’

BUT TRUST US…YOU’D NEVER SEE THIS…OKAY, MAYBE YOU WOULD…IF IT WASN’T A LIFE THREATENING SURGERY

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

Burt Reynolds Finally Accepting God Into His Life

(Quite Frankly, We’re Surprised His Hair Stayed On In The Water)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzqbqDW9z6E

Tuesday
Sep162014

Overwritten

6:05:10 a.m. – The I-man reveals that on Monday Dr. Gwen Korovin removed enough wax from his ears that his Fox hair stylist, and amateur horticulturist, Teresa could grow stuff in it for her garden. Unfortunately Dr. Gwen keeps the I-wax for her own project. She’s making wax figures of all of her famous clients for her own wing at Madame Tussaud’s. It seems that Korovin removed more debris from Imus’ ear than the graveyard shift at a Chilean mine. Apparently after the excavation the Boss’ hearing was much improved. That’s the good news. The bad news is that now he knows that people on the street weren’t pointing at him and screaming “brother trucker”

(A Real Brother Trucker) Breaker, Breaker…. who you calling Imus? Over

6:09:14 a.m. – This morning, in an effort to add some flavor to the segment, The Boss has added Deidre to Hollywood and Vine. She’s sort of like Cholula. She’s hot, goes with everything, and sometimes a little goes a lonnnnnng way.

Deirdre And Cholula… Two Of The I-Man’s Favorite Things.  Deirdre With Some Cholula Sprinkled On Her… Well That’s Just Too Hot For The I-Man To Handle

6:14:46 a.m. – Lori Rothman is not in this morning. That’s the thing with rehab. Sometimes you have to go to rehab multiple times to get that monkey off your back. Mrs. Rothman doesn’t have a drug problem, however, she does have a monkey on her back. Well, not quite on her back. Lori drinks a lot of coffee to handle the early mornings. The combination of jitters, and her hairy back causes people to think she has a monkey on her back.

Little fella grew quite attached when Lori was an aspiring young reporter covering a local news story in New York About  A Giant Feces Throwing Gorilla

6:18:35 a.m. – Connell reports that the Paradise Funeral Chapel in Saginaw Michigan has a drive thru lane. When you drive thru, the curtains pull back as if you were watching a Punch and Judy puppet show at some Renaissance Fair ostensibly so that mourners can view the body.  The funeral parlor owners claim that it allows the elderly a chance to view the body. Really?? We think it’s an insidious plot to get more elderly people driving, which in turn would be good for the funeral business. Nothing says fiscal planning like having bereaved, teary eyed seniors pulling out into traffic. We hope that they have a green light to prompt people to move forward as there will surely be some people waiting for their Big Mac and fries. Connell says that there is a slot to allow people to leave donations. We’re more in favor of that urinal looking thing they have at tollbooths so that you can throw some change in there for grandpa. Maybe there should be an E-Z Pass lane for friends, and relatives that you weren’t all that crazy about. Just because they’re “late” doesn’t mean that you have to be.

Excuuuuse me!! I Need A Receipt

6:42:15 a.m. – I-Fave, Carl ”Two Questions” Jeffers is our guest this morning. Carl is wearing a back brace. Apparently he has a cracked vertebra, and a herniated disk. Probably hurt his back lifting the written transcript from the last time Mr. Jeffers appeared on the program. Naturally the I-Man is very sympathetic to Carl’s pain. Who are we kidding? Imus starts the interview by telling Carl that he looks fat. Well that is true. In Carl’s case, as he’s wearing what looks to us like one of the those Spanish Conquistador armor breast plates, tends one look chubby. At first we weren’t sure if Jeffers was coming in for an interview or looking for the Fountain of Youth. When Carl saw Imus he knew immediately that he was nowhere near The Fountain of Youth.

After Failing to Find The Fabled Fountain of Youth Carl Began A New Quest To Find El Dorado. Apparently He Forgot Where He Parked

7:08:37 a.m. –The Boss thinks about all of the people he knows, and when they appear on the program. Many appear on the show when they have something to sell, as is the case with a vertically challenged sports reporter that will be appearing later in the program.  This moment of introspection leads the I-Man to ask a philosophical question, “When I’m no longer on the radio will I have any friends”. Hmmmm. That’s deep. It’s one of those, “if a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound”, “Can God make an object so large that he cannot lift it” type questions. We’ve asked similar questions. For instance, when you are alone naked do you sometimes tuck your penis between your legs, and pretend you have a vagina?? Why, yes we do. What?? TMI?? Oh, like we’re the only ones. We are sure the I-Man will always have friends. If not, then at least he’ll have the voices in his head to keep him company

“We Don’t Need Anybody Do We?? Well?? Answer Me Dammit” Schizophrenia….It Beats Being Alone

7:37:26 a.m. – Hollywood& Vine is now Hollywood and Fine. Deirdre, Dagen, Imogen, and Riedel, or as we like to call 3 out of four ain’t bad. Early on, Deirdre notes that Imus “counts calories like a fat girl”. It makes sense as the Boss has a lot in common with fat girls. He’s always hungry, he walks slowly as though he was chafe, he gets easily winded, and his back hurts. Sounds like a fat girl to us.

 

Are Your Peaches Fuzzy Baby? Good Because I’m Starving

7:41:24 a.m. – The conversation turns to the feud between Gwyneth Paltrow, and Martha Stewart. Dagen observes that the mere mention of those two names would be the cure for priapism. Priapism is when you get a boner that lasts more than three or four hours. This condition is one of the side effects of some erectile dysfunction drugs. They tell you to call a doctor if your erection lasts longer than four hours. The I-Man , however, calls everybody if it lasts longer than four minutes.

Too Much Viagra Led To This. Unfortunately He Died In “The Saddle”. They’re Going To Have A Hard Time Closing That Casket

8:07:24 a.m. – Wyatt Imus emailed his Dad to make the following observation about the picture he saw of his mom and dad on his TeeeVeee …. “You two look like a lesbian couple”. That’s a little harsh Wyatt. Your mom doesn’t look at all like a lesbian, not that there would be anything wrong with that, and your dad doesn……ok….your father does look like an old lesbian.

 

Now This Qualifies As An Old Lesbian Couple

8:37:24 a.m. –  The premier sports reporter in America, and bestselling author, Mike Lupica is in this morning to promote his latest teen novel Fantasy League. Imus reveals that he was unaware of how big fantasy football was in America. This shouldn’t come as a surprise as Imus thought that when Gunz mentioned that he played fantasy baseball he thought it was something involving Gunz’ fantasies about getting to third base with Carley. Not that it could happen even in Gunz’ dreams although he has spent many a night choking up on his bat. Warming up in the bullpen so to speak. The Boss asks Lupica if the twelve year olds in his book are having sex. Lupica emphatically states that they are twelve.  Well Lupey, we were twelve and we fantasized all the time about having sex. We never played tennis, however we both developed tennis elbow.

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

We hope It Doesn’t Come To This For the I-Man

De Niro as Travis Bickle

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4e9CkhBb18E

Comment from the I-Man: I should not have complimented Tony yesterday because he overwrote the blog today and it's not as good. B- for Tony.

Monday
Sep152014

Tony Flyin Solo

6:05:10 a.m. – We are officially at DEFCON 4. Imus’ hair stylists are on the brink of war. Apparently Teresa, The I-Man’s Fox Studio hair stylist is hating on the Boss’ personal hair stylist Hanson. We believe the war of words began when  Teresa said something to the effect of “How long has Hanson had Parkinson’s….. to which Hanson responded“ Given the choice between Teresa, and doing it himself, Stevie Wonder chose to braid his own hair”. This can’t end well. We’re thinking the two of them end up rumbling in an alley with rat tail combs like Tony, and Bernardo in West Side Story. Yes we used a Broadway Musical reference. They are after all hair stylists.

Ok, So Some Street Gangs Like To Do A Song And Dance Number Before They Bust A Cap In Your Ass

6:19:14 a.m. –  Warner reports that the Houston Texans defensive end , J.J. Watt caught a touchdown pass. Watt? We Mean …What? The Texans decided to let their superstar defensive player play offense. That seems like a risky move to us, potentially sacrificing your best player, but Warner reports that back in college Watt went both ways. Well Warner a lot of people experiment while in college. It’s normal to explore one’s sexuality. Football players are no exception.  Some football players are tight ends Warner, while others are wide receivers. We’d like to think that we’re all God’s creatures, and it doesn’t matter which …um…ahem…side of the ball ..one lines up on. Watt? Um….What Warner? You mean J.J. played tight end at Central Michigan, as well as defensive end. Well if you want to keep your “end” tight Warner, you better be defensive.

Tight End?? Where?? Hellooooooo  J.J.. We heard you go “both ways”

6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on for his regular Monday segment. Dietl sounds the alarm bell for ISIS. He’s concerned that there may be jihadists among us willing to blow themselves up, and kill Americans to get access to the “72 virgins”. We learn that Bo has different ideas about heaven than some cabby named Abu. Bo believes that Heaven is a place with nice music, and men walking around with foot long shafts. “Foot long Shafts”?? You mean their Johnsons? Well Bo, we don’t want to brag, but for some of us, let’s just say, Heaven is right here on Earth. Bo also believes that your parents and deceased love ones will be there. How could you make love in front of your moms, and your NaNa with these virgins. We tend to agree with Bo. Doesn’t sound like Heaven to us. By the way Achmed, nobody said those virgins would all be women. Let’s be honest, hearing some young woman say owwww, that hurts, you’re not putting that in there, or worse, some strapping young man making you bend over so that you can sqeal lulululu;lu  72 different times sounds more like Hell to us

So You blew Yourself Up Abdul. Well Hold On To Your Turban Big Fella That’s Not the Only Thing About To Be Blown. (It’s Virgin Wool)

7:07:35 a.m. – The I-Man has to go see his ear, nose, and throat specialist, Dr. Gwen Korovin to have the wax sucked out of his ears. He mentions that the good doctor uses a suction device that sometimes brushes his ear drum causing pain. When he flinches Dr. Korovin always shoots him an evil look. Yea that’s the reason for the dirty look. It would have nothing to do with her lab coat be splashed with the I-Man’s ear muck like some Civil War field doctor.  Apparently due to the I-man being a pu…. Um… flinching, due to the excruciating pain that the ear vac causes, Dr. Korovin’s nurse has to hold the Boss down. Deirdre takes note of the nurse’s restraint technique as Imus sometimes jerks when she holds a pillow over his face.

In Case You Were Wondering What Dr. Korovin Does With All Of Imus’ Ear Wax

7:23:15 a.m. – During Warner’s sports report he refers to The New Orleans Saints defensive coordinator, Rob Ryan, as “the fat moose defensive coordinator”. Fat Moose?? Warner has clearly been working for the I-Man for too long. Next thing you know he’ll be wearing cowboy hats, and boots. We don’t imagine the diminutive Warner will be wearing the ten gallon variety. We suspect he might go for something in a half-pint size.

C’mawn little Doggeee

7:38:37 a.m. –  Might Be Elvis features five songs chosen by The I-Man. Hey, where are you bastards going ? You don’t have to listen to the songs you just have to read about the songs in the blog. Jesus, we’re not that cruel. This week’s song choices included I Remember You by Skid Row, Two Night Town by Jason Aldean, My Wrecking Ball by Ryan Adams, Bring It On Home To Me by Sam Cooke, Better by Guns N’ Roses, and The Miracle of Joey Ramone by U2. Yes we know dear reader, that with the exception of the Great Sam Cooke, these songs can only truly be appreciated in your car, while in the garage, with the motor running, and the door closed.  

Maybe Its Aldean’s soothing Voice Because I’m Starting To Feel Really Sleepy

8:07:26 a.m. – Last week Dagan reported that Starbucks employees with tattoos can now have visible ink showing. This leads to the observation that now that some mocha latte making schmuck has ink, then ink is no longer cool. Just so we’re clear haterz, buying a four dollar cup of fu**ing coffee isn’t cool either. Cool was when some hot waitress, wearing what looked like some sort of hybrid nurse’s outfit with white shoes for a uniform, at some diner in the middle of Possum Dick Iowa, would refill your cup without being asked, and called you “Sugah”, and you drank you cup of Joe out of a porcelain cup that you stirred with a greasy spoon.

Look Suga I Don’t Know What The F**k  A Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato Is. Now If You Don’t Want This Pot Of Hot Joe Poured In Your Lap sweetie, I’d Get To Steppin

8:39:24 a.m. –  Fox News National Security Correspondent Jennifer Griffin is our guest. She is on to explain the ISIS VS ISIL divide, and give her take on the situation in the region. We love this woman. She’s brilliant, and explains the situation so that a child could understand it. Although that child would have to be one that graduated Med school at 15 like Doogie Hauser. We are definitely not that child. We are more of the ice cream cone on the head, paste eating variety. Too bad she didn’t bring stick drawing with her to help explain.

Jesus moron , how hard is this, ISIL …The “L” is for Levant the Eastern Mediterranean region that encompasses Lebanon, Iraq, Syria, and Jordan. Is that paste in the corner of your mouth?

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

In Honor Of The Waitresses Across America Serving That “Old School” Coffee We Present This Little Snippet Of Jack Nicholson In Five Easy Pieces

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wtfNE4z6a8

 

Comments from the I-Man: Nice job Tony. Rob who?

Friday
Sep122014

Here's a Hint: He's Ignoring You

6:05:10 a.m. –  The Boss begins the morning extolling the medical genius of Dr. Michael Bronson, Orthopedic Surgeon, to whose office The I-Man brought the Wy-Man to get an MRI on his shoulder.  While waiting for the elevator, of course, people recognized Imus, (at first, they thought it was Elaine Stritch until they realized she’d died a few months ago) and attempted to engage him in conversation.  Naturally, the last thing he wants to do is talk to the wretched refuse standing next to him, and, lucky for him, he can’t hear them without his five figure electronic aids.  Wyatt, helpful lad that he is, tells his father, “Dad, these people are trying to talk to you.”  The I-Man was fully aware of the fact, and was using his deafness to avoid any conversational discourse.  That is, until the kid piped up.  An innocent mistake.  Or a devious plot to stick it to the old man.  We report, you decide.

THE AURALLY CHALLENGED I-MAN.  2 MINUTES OF TALKING TO HIM, AND EVERYBODY AT THE ELEVATOR WISHED THEY WERE DEAF

6:17:34 a.m. –  While promo-ing his briefing, BERNARD MCGUIRK mentions that he has a story about Suge Knight being shot 6 times.  BERNARD MCGUIRK, OF LONG BEACH, NEW YORK, then proceeds to say that if Mr. Knight was not a ‘Fat B-Word’, he might not have survived.   “Did you just call my friend Suge Knight a ‘Fat Bitch’?  asks an incredulous I-Man.   “Fat Bastard is what I meant” replies BERNARD MCGUIRK, WHO, EVERY WEEKDAY BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 6 A.M. AND 9:45 A.M. CAN BE FOUND IN THE WABC STUDIOS ON THE 17TH FLOOR OF 2 PENN PLAZA, NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

A-SUGE KNIGHT,  B- BERNARD MCGUIRK   C-  AN AK-47

WHICH DOESN’T BELONG AND WHY?

6:40:08 a.m. – Mike Baker, our favorite Spook, (we don’t mean the kind that scares you on Halloween, we mean the kind that will put a grenade in your Happy Meal) is on to talk about the ISIS / ISIL  situation in Iraq.  He looks a little flushed as he arrives in the green room.  He must’ve come straight from his music lesson as there’s a couple inches of a piano wire sticking out of his pocket.

MIKE BAKER AT HIS MUSIC LESSON

7:05:28 a.m. – In answer to the President’s difficulty in getting Turkey to join the coalition against the Islamic State and use their airbase, the I-Man comes up with a solution.   “ Why can’t we just say ‘Hey Bob, we’re using your airbase and what are you gonna do about it?’ ”   We weren’t aware that there was a ‘Bob’ in Turkey.  Unless the Boss meant ‘Ali-Bob’.  Or ‘Shish’ Ka Bob.

TURKISH “BOB” ( L )  AND TURKISH  “CHUCK” ( R )  

7:19:42 a.m. –  Going into the break, the I-Man plays Meghan Trainor’s ‘All About That Bass’ and maintains that the entire ‘It Might Be Elvis’ panel HATED the song when he played it a couple of months ago, way before it became an INSANE HIT.  Back in the Greenroom, Trevor weighs in with an observation:  “The chorus sounds like a cross between Tony Orlando’s ‘Knock 3 Times’ and Dean Martin’s ‘That’s Amore’.”    No wonder it’s such a hit. 

MEGHAN TRAINOR AND…DAWN

7:41:24 a.m. –   VINNIE FROM QUEENS  featuring new panelist, Dagen McDowell, and, filling in for an ailing Nat Candido, Carley Shimkus, who, unlike Superfan Nat, is not wearing a Mets Jersey.  She’s wearing a Victoria’s Secret Jersey.  Which, we now believe, should be what Nat must wear every week.  During the discussion of the Ray Rice Video and Roger Goodell, Warner says that Goodell will most certainly resign from his position as Commissioner of the NFL, and as Gunz tries to put in his two cents Warner went all Ike Turner / Joe Jackson on him:   “I wasn’t finished.”   Wow.  Warner bitch slaps the kid.  Gunz retreats, tail between his legs, like a scolded puppy. 

SHUT UP, JUNIOR.  THE ADULTS ARE TALKING.

7:44:48 a.m. –   During the Jerry Jones / Exotic Dancer Suit discussion, Carley finds it difficult to put herself in Jerry’s position as she doesn’t “Know many 70 year old men…who only want a warm room, a cup of coffee and a Tofu Burger.”  How many does she need? 

HEY CARLEY.  THIS GUY WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR A CUP OF COFFEE AND A TOFU BURGER

8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man gives a special shout-out to his boy, Steve Schwartzman…Shardon…Schwanden…  The Boss can’t pronounce his good friend from AT&T’s name who is going to provide him with a new iPhone 6 Plus.   Warner provides the correct pronunciation:  “Schwadron”. Sounds like ‘Squadron’.  Steve, on the other hand, has no problem pronouncing Imus’ name.  Sounds like ‘Glass Hole’.

8:17:16 a.m. – “Is there ANY television program that John McCain will not go on?” the I-Man wants to know.   Even the white noise on the TV the little girl in Poltergeist was staring at had McCain’s voice on it. 

SOME OF SENATOR MCCAIN’S MANY TV APPEARANCES

8:38:14 a.m. –  I-Fave, Staff-Fave, Show-Fave, World-Famous Sportscaster, Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo, from Sirius/XM’s like-named channel, and host of MLB Network’s ‘High Heat’ is on, and…he’s either in Heat, or he’s High.  He has so much energy, it’s like he snorted ALL the cocaine the I-Man did in the 70’s… THIS MORNING.  The Boss wants to ‘tweak’ Mad Dog, by asking him why he wasn’t on the Daily News’ ‘Most Powerful Men in Sports’ list, as his old partner, Mike ‘No Nickname’ Francesa was number eight on said list.  This attempt by the I-Man to derail Russo’s tirade fails.   Mad Dog continues to ‘Hump the Radio Leg’ with wild abandon.  He is certifiably crazy.  He might not be on the ‘Most Powerful Men in Sports’ list, but he’s certainly one of the ‘Powerful Men in New York.’  Attach this dope to a generator…he could power the whole effin’ city.

MAD DOG:  A ‘GREEN ENERGY SOURCE’

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

WE SUPPLY, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE FOR THOSE WHO ARE, LIKE THE I-MAN, ‘HARD OF HEARING’, A SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETATION OF TODAY’S BLOG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpPvGP_GUXs