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-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
5:55:10 a.m. – My Pillow Michael Lindell is here, back in the Green Room with us, awaiting his appearance on the program this morning. He drove straight through from Philadelphia at 3 A.M. ...
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – In honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 88 TH Birthday, the I-Man has decided to wear his hair like her. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN 6:07:24 a.m. – Warner reports that Masai ...
-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows. He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the ...

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    Tuesday
    Apr222014

    He Has an I-Graine

    5:55:10 a.m. – My Pillow Michael Lindell is here, back in the Green Room with us, awaiting his appearance on the program this morning. He drove straight through from Philadelphia at 3 A.M. this morning, which is not surprising, considering he’s a former Crack Addict.  What IS surprising is, he forgot his My Pillow.   So he’s not resting.  He’s talking.  A lot. 

    JESUS, TAKE A NAP.

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man is reveling in the firing of Knicks Coach Michael Woodson, and asks Warner if the Lakers have “Fired Dantoni”.   “Not yet.” Comes Warner’s pessimistic reply.  It’s like Imus’ own version of ‘Bad News Hanukkah’.  The Joy of Other’s Misery will be staggered over a few days.

     MUCH TO THE DELIGHT OF THE I-MAN,

    DANTONI’S FLAME IS GOING TO BE PUT OUT IN A FEW DAYS

    6:10:20 a.m. –  The Boss is not taking the Government’s word on the Rancher Standoff that’s going on out in Nevada.  He relates a story about when he bought the land for his Ranch for Kids with Cancer…the Fence was already in place, and so he wondered where the boundaries for the property really were.  Turns out they had cut off 500 ACRES of land.  Meanwhile, they were constantly taking down the fence, leading the I-Man to get his gun, ready to start an I-Ranch Range War himself.  Nothing Kids with Cancer love more than hot, flying lead.

    SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT, STUPID.

    6:39:13 a.m. – Michael Lindell is on and a jealous Joseph Abboud sends the I-Man a nasty text:  “Michael Lindell?  What’s next?  The band from the Kars 4 Kids commercial?”  Mr. Lindell mentions that he was recently married, and more recently, divorced.  Apparently, it only lasted two days…his wife slept through the Honeymoon.  Damn Mattress Topper.  Either that, or she pretended she was asleep so she wouldn’t have to talk to him.  He is nothing if not overly enthusiastic.

    IF LINDELL DOESN’T SHUT UP ABOUT THESE EFFING PILLOWS, TONY IS GOING TO SCREAM

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man was rocking a ‘Queen Elizabeth’ hairstyle yesterday, this morning, he’s got a 1971 David Cassidy ‘do.  He looks like he’s going to a Partridge Family Concert.

    “I THINK I HATE YOU…SO WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?”

    7:12:34 a.m. – His segment has been over for 21 minutes…and Michael Lindell is STILL in the Green Room.  Doesn’t this guy have a life?  We think we have a good idea why the Old Lady split during the first 48 hours.

    THE LONG AWAITED SEQUEL TO ‘12 YEARS A SLAVE’

    7:30:34 a.m. –  The I-Man, ironically, reads another ‘My Pillow’ Spot, articulating the many benefits and virtues of the pillows, including relief from ‘Fibro Minutiae’… ‘Fivo Malusia’… ‘Fibro Malaysia’… which we think is people who suffer from neck strain looking for the missing Flight 370.

    “I CAN’T FIND THE PLANE…”

    7:37:34 a.m. – “Hollywood & Vine”.  Apparently, Riedel took Dagen and Imogen to see ‘Cabaret’, and they both express their lust for Alan Cumming.  Yes.  You read that right.  Alan Cumming.  If this is what women think is hot these days…we’re going over to the other side.

    HE’S BITING ‘MY PILLOW’

    7:44:34 a.m. – Riedel name drops Pete Townshend…of ‘The Who’…which, interestingly enough, is what Townsend says when you name drop Michael Riedel.  “Who?”   He says he was backstage with Pete after a concert…we suppose they were exchanging child porn photos with each other.

    TOWNSHEND AND RIEDEL: ‘OLD AGE WASTELAND’

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is pissed off.  Apparently, over the weekend at the Joe Beaver Roping, Tuf Cooper was standing right behind him, and nobody introduced Imus, (who has been singing Tuf’s praises for years) to him.  He is especially annoyed with Sunny Brazier, as, introducing the Radio Hall of Famer to the Rodeo Hall of Famer was something the didn’t ‘Get on her mind.’

    EVEN THIS MONKEY WAS INTRODUCED TO TUF…ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, HE DID HOLD ON TO THE BORDER COLLIE FOR LONGER THAN 8 SECONDS

    8:35:24 a.m. – A rare treat.  Senator John (Wayne) McCain is LIVE in the studio this morning.  The I-Man is sticking around for this interview, even though he has a migraine headache.  He says he either is getting sick or he has a brain tumor.  It will be interesting to see him whine about how he feels to War Hero McCain, who was tortured by the Cong for over 5 years in a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp.  We can just see Senator McCain nodding, empathizing…or, for that matter, nodding off, as he’s heard this story about a billion times.   He is very kind and polite, however, because about as close as the I-Man ever got to being shot down over enemy territory was attending a screening of ‘Top Gun’.

    “A HEADACHE?  AN EFFING HEADACHEIS THIS DUMB BASTARD SH**TING ME?”

    8:36:14 a.m. – Senator McCain is an elegant, eloquent, elder statesman.  In short, the Anti-Imus.  In nature, when matter meets anti-matter, it usually results in a tremendous explosion.  Not to say that the I-Man doesn’t have his own charms…but his sunny disposition isn’t one of them. Especially when he doesn’t feel well.  Did we mention he doesn’t feel well?  He certainly has.  Repeatedly.  Ad Nauseum. 

    THESE PEOPLE DON’T HAVE HEADACHES…THEY JUST DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO HIM COMPLAIN ANY MORE

    8:54:14 a.m. – Good news and Bad news.  The I-Man is feeling better. As such, he will be sticking around until the end of the program.  You decide which is which.

     THE CHART OF I-MALADIES

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    IF THESE WERE ‘MY PILLOWS’ MAYBE HE WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN ARRESTED

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeS5IU4Odus

    Monday
    Apr212014

    Happy Birthday Queen Elizabeth!

    6:05:10 a.m. – In honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 88TH Birthday, the I-Man has decided to wear his hair like her. 

    GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

    6:07:24 a.m. –  Warner reports that Masai Ujiri, the Toronto Raptors GM was quoted as saying ‘F**k Brooklyn’ at a fan rally. We guess the dumb bastard has never been to Brooklyn, and therefore, doesn’t understand what those words actually mean.  Brooklyn has more people living in it than the entire country of Canada.  Brooklyn could INVADE Canada.  Brooklyn could make Canada it’s bitch.  And the Nets are already up one in the playoffs.  Those back bacon eating, maple syrup sucking, Justin Bieber exporting Canucks are going to need their National Health Care once the Nets are done with them.

     TYPICAL RAPTORS FANS, EH?

    6:13:24 a.m. –  Dagen and Imogen went to see ‘Cabaret’ over the weekend, and, apparently, were ‘Perving’ over Alan Cummings.  Um…ladies?   You might want to save your energy and enthusiasm.  Mr. Cummings is…shall we say…not a fan of the vagina…unless it’s attached to another man.

    WILKOMMEN BIENVENUE…MADAMES…VOULEZ VOUS…UN PENIS?

    6:16:32 a.m. –  We learn that Kinky Friedman is the man who coined the term ‘Wussy’…we assume the Kinkster came up with that phrase when the I-Man saw a team of Doctors when he had an eyelash stuck in his eye.  We assume he also came up with ‘Wouchebag’, ‘Wasshole’, and ‘Wickhead’.

    WE WONDER IF KINKY GETS ROYALTIES ON THIS T-SHIRT

    6:18:36 a.m. –  Warner reports that when President Clinton visited Shea Stadium, Mr. Met was told that there were snipers positioned throughout the park, and if he approached Bubba, they were authorized to use deadly force.  If only every day citizens had that option.  Mr. Met’s head would look like the surface of the moon.

    “BRAVO 1, TARGET ACQUIRED…YOU’RE CLEAR TO TAKE THE SHOT”

    6:22:44 a.m. –  16 year old Weston Hughes, one of Wyatt’s Rodeo Buddies, showed the I-Man a picture of his 16 year old girlfriend, and wanted to know if the Boss thought she was ‘hot’.  The I-man demurs and says that he thinks his wife, Deirdre, is hot…but he’s not going to comment whether or not he thinks a child is ‘hot’. Unless, that child, of course, is 16 year old Deirdre.

    16 YEAR OLD DEIRDRE TAKES A PHOTO WITH SANTA AT THE MALL

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, uncharacteristically talking about how much the President sucks.  He unveils a new ‘Bo-ism’:  ‘Ballsitation.  Which is synonymous with ‘chutzpah’.   It is a noun.  As in “Do you believe the BALLSITATION on this guy trying to take my parking spot?”

    BALLSITATION THE SIZE OF CANTALOUPES

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man relates a story about a Hawker 800 crashing in Mexico City, and not a Citation 10 in New Mexico, according to a very worried and confused Brant Eaton.  Of course, the I-Man was in Texas, not New Mexico, nevertheless, Brant was concerned, and very happy to see the Boss touch down safely at Teterboro.  The ride home, however, might as well have been from Mexico City, as Brant didn’t use Google Maps.  So the shortcut through Delaware wound up being ill-advised.

    BRANT PLOTS HIS ROUTE FROM THE AIRPORT (ABOVE LEFT)

    7:39:34 a.m. – ‘It Might Be Elvis 3.0’ debuts this morning, with a brand new format.  The I-Man chooses the songs and the panel decides whether or not they should be included in the Power Rotation…which seems to be a moot point, as the Boss has chosen the songs, and therefore, is already predisposed to liking them, and should we disagree with his musical taste, (Which is more than likely) it won’t make a difference.  We think the segment should be retitled “I’m Playing It…Now What?”   Which is fine with us, because we love Delbert McClinton. 

    “HEY DELBERT, PAUL SAYS YOU CAN SHOW ME HOW TO PLAY THE HARMONICA…BUT HE’S AN ASSH***”

    7:41:34 a.m. – Imus has selected a Guns n’ Roses tune, a Macy Gray song, some hideous Rolling Stone Record, and Amy Winehouse, as if we needed any more inspiration to want to die of a heroin overdose ourselves.  Miranda Lambert’s ‘Automatic’ is the only song he’s going to put in the power rotation, but only because we had to throw him a bone.  In the Kingdom of the Deaf, the one-eared man reigns supreme. 

    IF SHE WASN’T HOT, AND THE OTHER SONGS DIDN’T SUCK SO MUCH…

    8:05:10 a.m. – I-Fave, (and a R&T Fave as well) Steve Schirripa will be the 8:30 guest, and Imus takes exception to Mr. Schirripa’s ‘Musical Mount Rushmore’:  Sting, Billy Joel, Paul Simon and Frank Sinatra.  One of these things is not like the other.  But we’re not about to tell him that.  We enjoy our kneecaps.

    STING.  NAMED AFTER THE SENSATION HIS FATHER EXPERIENCED WHEN HE PEED

    8:17:24 a.m. – Warner says “Give us a bigger hole”…which gives us pause, and then we realize he’s talking about golf.  He reports that the PGA is experimenting with a 15 inch hole, in order to get more people to play the game.  We have a better idea.  Lower the f***ing Greens Fees. 

    A PAR TWO

    8:36:14 a.m. – Steve Schirripa is here to promote the second season of his show “Karma’s A Bitch” on Discovery.  It’s a show about wrongdoers who get it in the end.  And by that, we don’t mean Joseph Abboud.  He’s not a wrongdoer.

    KARMA IS A BITCH…AND SHE WILL STICK YOU IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR

    8:39:14 a.m. – Steve has just introduced a line of Tomato Sauce:  ‘Uncle Steve’s’.  Buy it.  Don’t ask questions.  Keep your mouth shut and just buy it.  Then open your mouth and eat it.

    NOT FOR NUTHIN’…BUT IT’S ORGANIC…SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT SOME ON YOUR PASTA…IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU…AND IT’S GOOD FOR YOU.  BECAUSE, LIKE WE SAID…IT’S ORGANIC.  AND IF YOU DON’T PUT IT ON YOUR PASTA YOU MIGHT GET A PAIN RIGHT WHERE YOUR HEAD USED TO BE

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    A ‘Two-Fer’

    #1

    HOW TO FIGHT A BABY

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTWfqi3-3qU 

    #2

    THREE WAYS TO FAIL A DRUNK TEST

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP_fB3VEKAw

    Wednesday
    Apr162014

    Happy Easter!

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows.  He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the whole thing.   The Boss reminds Warner that it’s on 24 hours a day, and generally, they repeat the stories every hour.  Which is a big relief for Warner, as he thought his seeing the same stories over and over meant that his Alzheimer’s was getting worse.

    WE ONLY WISH HANNAH STORM WAS ON 24/7

    6:12:24 a.m. –  Dagen reports the Google announced a ‘One Day Sale’ of its’ ‘Google Glass’, wearable, internet browsers.  She hopes that there’s a huge lawsuit resulting from all the cross-eyed people that the specs create.

                        BEFORE GOOGLE GLASS                                       AFTER GOOGLE GLASS

    6:15:30 a.m. – Connell reads the story about the nutjob with the backpack in Boston who crashed the memorial ceremony for the Marathon Bombings of last year.  The I-Man says he doesn’t know what they should do with this guy.  We have a couple of ideas.  Most of them involving his nutsack…and a vice.

    RECOMMENDED PROCEDURE (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    6:35:07 a.m. – Doris Kearns Goodwin, our favorite Party Girl, is on to discuss her recent trip to the L.B.J. Library to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Civil Rights Act.  She mentions that her life has come full circle from her 20’s when she worked for President Johnson.  As opposed to Monica Lewinsky who worked under President Clinton’s…Johnson in the “El B.J. Room”.

    HARVARD COVERGIRL, PROFESSOR DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN

    7:09:18 a.m. – We are both surprised that we have another musical guest this morning:  Arkady Klatponyevik, the Eric Clapton of Russia, who has brought his Fender Proletariat, “Lenin” model…(Vladimir, not John)   Formerly of ‘The Yard-Bears’,  ‘Dostoyevsky And The Muscovites’, and ‘There Is No Cream Today’.  He’s on to promote his new album, “Straight Outta Kiev”, featuring hits like ‘I Shot the Cossack’,  ‘Lay Down Tanya’, ‘Tears in Moscow’ and ‘After Midnight And I Am Still On Line Waiting For Toilet Paper’. 

    ‘ARKADY KLAPTONYEVIK’  HE’S PRETTY FAT FOR A GUY WHOSE BAKED GOODS ARE RATIONED

    7:18:36 a.m. – Warner gives us a History Lesson, pointing out that 50 years ago, Shea Stadium was christened with water from the Harlem River where it flowed past the Polo Grounds, representing the NY Giants, and water from the Gowanus Canal, representing the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Just so we’re clear Warner…they used two of the most polluted waterways in the NY Metropolitan Area to open Shea Stadium? No wonder the Mets have sucked for 50 Seasons.  They might as well have used the horse manure that fertilized the Polo Grounds. 

    THE HOUSE THAT ‘LOSE’ BUILT

    7:39:34 a.m. – The I-Man says the ‘Kars for Kids’ commercial is the single most annoying radio spot…ever.  The only thing that could possibly make it worse would be if Billy Joe Shaver sang it.  “If You Don’t Give Your Car To Kids…Go To Hell.”

    “1-877- KARS FOR KIDS …DONATE YOUR CAR TODAY…OR I’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE”

    7:37:34 a.m. – “Blonde on Blonde” The Ladies tackle the pressing issues of the day… ‘Was Jesus ‘Hot’?  And… ‘Who hides the Eggs, the Easter Bunny?’   Deirdre maintains there is no Easter Bunny.  She doesn’t believe that kids should gorge on chocolate and go into a sugar coma at Church.  That Easter Baskets take away from the real reason for the holiday…Jesus.  But, if there was a Chocolate Jesus, we guess that would be okay.

    THE BODY OF CHRIST…HAS A CREAMY, NOUGAT CENTER

    (JUST DON’T LEAVE HIM OUT IN THE SUN)

    8:08:16 a.m. –  The I-Man is crowing about the ratings for ‘It Might Be Elvis’, which were HUGE.  They weren’t just good, they were GREAT.  It happens to be the only segment that Rob is on.  Hmmmmm.  Coincidence?  Absolutely. 

    IT MIGHT BE LIZA…BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S WITH ELVIS

    8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man is tired of people telling him to “Have a Nice Day”.  His parents are dead, his brother is dead, he has Cancer, he can’t breathe…if he wants to have a sh***y day…he deserves it.  Pharrell can kiss his ass.  Happy?  No.  And that song makes Dagen want to punch somebody in the face.

      MAYBE IT’S US…BUT HE DON’T LOOK ALL THAT ‘HAPPY’

    8:36:14 a.m. – Hannah Storm is the guest, but unfortunately not live in studio, so the Sports Hotness quotient is going to begin and end with Warner.  She is on to promote her Face to Face Special in which she interviewed Dwayne Wade, Doc Rivers, and NBA Commissioner, Adam Silver.  She also discusses the Oscar Pistorious trial.  Not for nothing, but his pins got nothing on Ms. Storm’s.  He may have PAID a million bucks, but hers LOOK like a million bucks.

    EVEN WITHOUT AN EXPLODING BARBECUE GRILL, THIS GIRL IS…SMOKIN’.

    9:07:34 a.m. – Imus says that he ‘Can’t see Warner in the monitor’…we wonder if it’s because he fell off the phone book.   Bigfoot says it’s because he put the camera lens cap on.  Sometimes, Warner likes to get naked in the studio and have Gunz massage his feet with Coconut Oil.   Just to feel ‘pretty’.

    SOMETIMES GUNZ DOES BOTH OF WARNER’S FEET WITH ONE HAND

     

     

    HAVE A ZISSEN PESACH, A HAPPY EASTER, OR, IF YOU’RE AN ATHEIST, A NICE WEEKEND…AND we HOPE THAT

    THE EASTER BUNNY HIDES THE MATZOH FOR YOU

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

     

    THE DAAS CHOIR FROM DETROIT

    IF THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU ‘HAPPY’, YOU DON’T HAVE A HEARTBEAT

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bhfu1KnKjM

    Tuesday
    Apr152014

    RIP Archie

    6:05:10 a.m. – Imus has had an epiphany when it comes to ‘It Might Be Elvis’.  He has decided that HE will now pick the songs, and the panel will all make suggestions as to which records they think deserve a slot in the power rotation on the program.  This will allow them to do what they do and love the best…Hammer the I-Man.  We’re pretty sure Billy Joe Shaver will be in the first batch of selections…and, according to the Boss, “If you don’t like Billy Joe Shaver, you have no soul.”   Perhaps, but one thing you DO have, is taste.  To paraphrase Mr. Shaver, “If you don’t love Jesus…go to hell.”   Because Billy Joe Shaver songs are the only ones on Satan’s Jukebox.

     

    6:12:24 a.m. –  Warner says that “After Bubba Watson won  162 Million Dollars in the Masters, he took his family to Waffle House.”   Um…Warner?  That’s 1.62 Million.  If he won 162 Million he would’ve taken them to Denny’s.

    “162 MILLION DOLLARS.  I’LL TAKE 345,000 GRAND SLAMS, 542,000 ‘MOON OVER MY HAMMY’S’ 8700 BELGIAN WAFFLES …AND A DIET COKE.”

    6:38:24 a.m. –  Natalie Stovall and the Drive, a hot new Country Act managed by Tracy Gershon, play.   Natalie plays the electric fiddle.  The other guys in the band fiddle around on guitar on drums.  Nothing like watching somebody ‘Rock Out’ on a violin.  We hope that she smashes it or sets it on fire at the end of the set, like Jimi.

    “ ‘SCUSE ME…WHILE I PIZZICATO THE SKY…”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Ed Henry, Fox Whitehouse Correspondent says that part of his job is to ask the Press Secretary questions that will make him uncomfortable.  Like:  “Do you like Gladiator Movies?”  “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?”  and “When you’re alone, do you sometimes tuck your penis between your legs and pretend you have a vagina?”   Ed finishes his segment with a joke at Kathleen Sebelius’ expense:  “With Obamacare, when you’re thrown under the bus…it’s covered.”

    “MR. CARNEY?  HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN PAST A SCHOOLYARD AND WONDERED…WHAT IF?”

    7:05:10 a.m. – Changing horses midstream…Rob, today as ‘Gary Busey’, is now going to be ‘Joe Cocker’, with an impromptu rendition of ‘She Shot Him Through The Bathroom Door’.  The I-Man has Rob audition as various singers…Joe Cocker, Paul McCartney, John Lennon… …Pat Boone and Fergie, before settling on John Belushi…doing Joe Cocker.

    JOE COCKER DOES HIS BEST JOHN BELUSHI IMPRESSION

    7:39:34 a.m. – “Hollywood & Vine”, which is notable this morning for Riedel’s shirt being unbuttoned to his navel.  He’s one gold chain, a gram of coke and a mirrored ball away from 1977.

    YO, MR. KOT-TER…

    7:41:34 a.m. – The conversation turns to…breasts.  (And doesn’t it always?)  Riedel says he welcomes ‘An ample bosom…as there’s certainly a shortage of them on the set.’   Oh snap. But that’s only because Rob is stuck in the Green Room.

    JACK NICHOLSON, MAN BOOB SUFFERER, ON THE SUBWAY.  THE SANDWICH, THAT IS.

    7:46:34 a.m. – Imus asks the panel about the death of Archie.  Imogen has no idea who Archie is…as it was before her time, to which the I-Man responds, “Well, you didn’t have to live through the French Revolution to know about THAT.”   He’s right.  All you have to do is see ‘Les Mis’.  Not everybody has first person recall of those times…like the I-Man.  Although he was drinking a lot of wine during it, so his recollection might be a bit spotty.

    ARCHIE DURING THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.  (NOTICE JUGHEAD IN THE TOP HAT TO THE LEFT)

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man talks musical guests, and names Vince Gill, Lyle Lovett, Dwight Yoakum… and observes that ‘The Bigger They Are, The Nicer They Are’.  Notice Van Morrison was nowhere on the list.  He says Joe Beaver, who knows George Strait, talks about how nice George is.  Probably only because he has ‘A  Car’.  Joe says if George saw Imus he’d say “Hi, Don.”  The I-Man responds… “Hey George…let’s START with MISTER Imus, first.” 

    “WHADDYA LOOKIN’ AT?  YA BLIND BASTARD!”

    8:17:24 a.m. –  The I-Man ran into Mel Karmazin at Teterboro.  One of them was happy to see the other. It’s not like Mel wants to shake hands with the Grim Reaper before he gets on an airplane.

    “HEY.  HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.”

    8:36:14 a.m. – Natalie Stovall and The Drive grace us with two more songs, including the single, ‘Baby Come On With It’.  Which is exactly the phrase Imus heard about 40 times on his wedding night.

    NATALIE STOVALL AND ONE OF ‘THE DRIVE’

    8:48:14 a.m. –  We have been reading through online resumes to continue finding our replacements.  We have a hot prospect, an Actress, Performance Artist, Comedienne and Exotic Dancer, ‘Candice Kane’.  We arrange for a scouting trip to continue our research, and go to the Riverside Twin theater, where they are running a Double Feature of her two Box Office Hits.

    WHEN WE SAID ‘BOX’ OFFICE…WE MEANT THAT’S WHERE YOU BUY THE TICKETS, NOT WHERE…SHE KEEPS IT.

    9:08:16 a.m. – The I-Man wonders aloud if they are going to take Oscar Pistorious’ legs away from him, should he go to prison.  Probably.  That way they can be used as ‘stumps’ in the wickets in the Penitentiary Cricket Matches.

    OSCAR’S LEGS PUT TO GOOD USE

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    WE PAY OUR RESPECTS TO THE LATE, GREAT, DEARLY DEPARTED ARCHIE, AND SEND OUR CONDOLENCES TO HIS WIDOWER AND LONGTIME COMPANION, JUGHEAD

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9nE2spOw_o 

     

    Monday
    Apr142014

    Back to Might Be Elvis

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The Knicks are officially ‘Out of It’ and between that, and Wyatt winning nearly a THOUSAND DOLLARS at the Ultimate Roping in Montgomery, Texas, the I-Man should be in a great mood.  And we think he is, actually.  It’s already 6:05 and he hasn’t freaked out yet.

    6:05:12 a.m. –  Sigh.  What a ride it was. 

    6:10:20 a.m. –  We get the news that ‘iMusic’, the segment formerly known as ‘It Might Be Elvis’, will heretofore be named ‘It Might Be Elvis’, (formerly known as iMusic).

    THIS IS WHAT USED TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU LISTENED TO ‘I-MUSIC’…THAT’S WHY HE CHANGED THE NAME BACK TO ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’

    6:16:24 a.m. –  Ashley Webster is filling in this week for Lori Rothman. The I-Man was expecting some hot babe.  Ashley is half the way there, he’s already got the hot babe name.  And he’s got the British Accent.  Which makes up for a lot.  He reveals that he met his wife on ‘Match.com’.  She’s a jazz singing lawyer.  Which, when you’re on trial for murder, you’re not looking for representation that will sing ‘Luck Be Lady’ during cross-examination.

    “WELL THE SHARK BITES…WITH HIS TEETH DEAR…AND HE KEEPS THEM…PEARLY WHITE!”

    6:35:07 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, celebrating the 30th Anniversary of the Palm Sunday Massacre, the case that he broke and brought him the fame he currently enjoys.  Not that you would CELEBRATE something like that, although yesterday, Bo was in the New York Times article about the very same thing, well, actually it was just a picture of him, and an article about the female cop from the case.  Nevertheless, he was celebrating that.  We don’t know if he bought himself a Pearl ring, because Pearl is the symbol for the 30th Anniversary.  Some people know him as the Arby’s spokesman.  We know him as ‘One Tough Cop’.  (Who wears a lot of tough jewelry and pocket squares)

    BO’S ANNIVERSARY PRESENT TO HIMSELF

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo is concerned about the imminent threat of Russia and thermonuclear war, while the I-Man seems to be more worried about Jose from El Chico in Huntsville, who, apparently, was fired recently.  Imus wants Bo to investigate why.  Bo is incredulous.   “I’m talking about world dominatization and the earth’s apocalypsizatation and all he cares about is some f#$%ing waiter at El Conquistador Taqueria.”  At first, we couldn’t figure out why the Boss was so concerned…until we realized that Jose was the only waiter he ever had who wouldn’t pee in his Guacamole.

    HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?  IF YOU HAVE, PLEASE CONTACT THE I-MAN

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man talks Sports with Warner, about Philadelphia Phillies player Jimmy Rollins getting into it with fans.  The Boss asks Nat if he’s ever ‘Gotten into it’ with a player.  Nat admits that he yells positive, uplifting, appreciative things…for example, he told Jose Reyes that he loves him.  Dagen says “You’ll never be inside a woman again.”   Like that would be the only reason.

    MR. MET POINTS OUT NAT TO SECURITY.  (AND FOR THE RECORD, NAT HAS BEEN INSIDE A WOMAN.  THE ONE ON THE RIGHT WITH THE BIG WHITE HEAD…AND BY ‘INSIDE’, WE MEAN HE WORE THE OUTFIT)

    7:36:34 a.m. – The lovely Martha McCallum is on, and the I-Man starts off the interview noting that Ms. McCallum’s partner, Bill Hemmer, has ‘The Crazy Eyes’.  Which is about as frivolous as the interview gets, because Martha is on to talk about her story tomorrow on ‘America’s Newsroom’, concerning the one year anniversary of the Boston Bombing, and the investigation surrounding that heinous terrorist act.  According to Ms. McCallum, the FBI and CIA failed to connect the dots when it came to Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Bomber himself.  Although it’s the one year Anniversary, unlike Bo Dietl, Ms. McCallum won’t be celebrating it.  Which is a shame, because, we think that the 1st Anniversary is the ‘Wood’ Anniversary.  Which…okay, even WE won’t finish that sentence.  But we do admit…Hemmer DOES have ‘Crazy Eyes’.

    MARTHA AND BILL.  MARTHA’S EYES ARE THE KIND YOU SEE IN YOUR DREAMS…BILLS ARE THE KIND THAT YOU SEE IN NEWSPAPER PHOTOS BEARING THE CAPTION: ‘THE KILLER IN HAPPIER TIMES’

    8:05:10 a.m. – We are counting the seconds until we go out onto the set for ‘It Might Be Elvis’, (which was ‘iMusic’ for one week).  We feel confident that there are some GREAT songs awaiting the I-Man…to malign and destroy…

    FILE PHOTO OF A RECORD BURNING RALLY SPONSORED BY THE I-MAN, (CENTER, HOLDING MICROPHONE) TO PROTEST ‘THOSE NO-TALENT, LIMEY, EVERLY BROTHERS RIP OFFS’

    8:08:16 a.m. – Dagen is, apparently, not a fan of Jimmy Fallon, who, in her opinion, are obsequious to the point that “His tongue is black from all the boot-licking”.  Hateful words, that, obviously, aren’t designed to make Fallon feel bad, but his greatest champion…The I-Man.  Who, by the way does not have a fan in Jimmy Fallon…who said, “That’s the only show business ass I will never kiss.”

    “YOU CALL HER MAMA T?  HAHAHAHA!  THAT’S HYSTERICAL, IMUS!”

    8:15:24 a.m. – The I-Man thinks that Bubba Watson’s crying after winning the Masters is ‘Phony’, although he believes that the Club Owners in Augusta are thrilled to have the Green Jacket back on a White Guy…with a mullet…named ‘Bubba’ no less. 

    SUCK IT UP, YOU PUSSY. YOU DIDN’T WIN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. YOU WON A GOLF GAME.                                                                                

    8:36:14 a.m. – After a brief, one week, hiatus, (well, at least the name was on hiatus) ‘It Might Be Elvis’ returns to the Imus in the Morning Program.  Dagen, Trevor, Lou and Tony have ostensibly picked songs that they believe would go into the Imus in the Morning ‘Power Rotation’.  Rob is, once again, guest Judge, so there’s at least somebody who likes music other than Country. 

    THE PROPOSAL FOR A NEW SIGN FOR THE ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’ SEGMENT FOR THE STUDIO

    The Lyrics to the Chorus of George Strait’s  ‘I Got A Car’

    And I said, well I got a car, she said, there's something
    At least it's a start, I said, it's better than nothing
    I ain't in no hurry but I'm ready when you are
    And she said, where do you think all this is going
    I said, there ain't no way of knowing
    I guess I hadn't thought it through that far
    But I got a car

    YES, THAT’S IT. 

    A GUY WHO’S CREDENTIALS ARE FOUR WHEELS AND A BACK SEAT, LOOKING TO GET LAID

    NOT EXACTLY ‘HE STOPPED LOVING HER TODAY’ 

    8:48:14 a.m. – “It Might Be Elvis” gets a little heated.  The I-Man isn’t happy with Lou’s being negative, or Rob and Dagen having a positive reaction to the song.  So we have no idea what he wants. We’re not sure he knows what he wants.  All we know is we suck.  Which is comforting, because, at least, in his eyes, we’re being consistent.

    IT MIGHT BE ELVIS.  IT MIGHT BE IMUS.

    9:05:34 a.m. – The I-Man is on to us.  All along, we’ve been waging a secret campaign to suck so we can bring him down…destroy his ratings.  Unfortunately, it’s not working. The ratings are still great.  But we still suck.

    IT MIGHT BE ELVIS, IT MIGHT BE NEWT GINGRICH WITH A WIG, SUNGLASSES & A HEINEKEN

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    ‘IT’ MIGHT BE ELVIS TOO

    AND SO MIGHT THIS GUY:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bg05Y0--O4