5:55:10 a.m. – My Pillow Michael Lindell is here, back in the Green Room with us, awaiting his appearance on the program this morning. He drove straight through from Philadelphia at 3 A.M. this morning, which is not surprising, considering he’s a former Crack Addict. What IS surprising is, he forgot his My Pillow. So he’s not resting. He’s talking. A lot.
JESUS, TAKE A NAP.
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is reveling in the firing of Knicks Coach Michael Woodson, and asks Warner if the Lakers have “Fired Dantoni”. “Not yet.” Comes Warner’s pessimistic reply. It’s like Imus’ own version of ‘Bad News Hanukkah’. The Joy of Other’s Misery will be staggered over a few days.
DANTONI’S FLAME IS GOING TO BE PUT OUT IN A FEW DAYS
6:10:20 a.m. – The Boss is not taking the Government’s word on the Rancher Standoff that’s going on out in Nevada. He relates a story about when he bought the land for his Ranch for Kids with Cancer…the Fence was already in place, and so he wondered where the boundaries for the property really were. Turns out they had cut off 500 ACRES of land. Meanwhile, they were constantly taking down the fence, leading the I-Man to get his gun, ready to start an I-Ranch Range War himself. Nothing Kids with Cancer love more than hot, flying lead.
SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT, STUPID.
6:39:13 a.m. – Michael Lindell is on and a jealous Joseph Abboud sends the I-Man a nasty text: “Michael Lindell? What’s next? The band from the Kars 4 Kids commercial?” Mr. Lindell mentions that he was recently married, and more recently, divorced. Apparently, it only lasted two days…his wife slept through the Honeymoon. Damn Mattress Topper. Either that, or she pretended she was asleep so she wouldn’t have to talk to him. He is nothing if not overly enthusiastic.
IF LINDELL DOESN’T SHUT UP ABOUT THESE EFFING PILLOWS, TONY IS GOING TO SCREAM
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man was rocking a ‘Queen Elizabeth’ hairstyle yesterday, this morning, he’s got a 1971 David Cassidy ‘do. He looks like he’s going to a Partridge Family Concert.
“I THINK I HATE YOU…SO WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?”
7:12:34 a.m. – His segment has been over for 21 minutes…and Michael Lindell is STILL in the Green Room. Doesn’t this guy have a life? We think we have a good idea why the Old Lady split during the first 48 hours.
THE LONG AWAITED SEQUEL TO ‘12 YEARS A SLAVE’
7:30:34 a.m. – The I-Man, ironically, reads another ‘My Pillow’ Spot, articulating the many benefits and virtues of the pillows, including relief from ‘Fibro Minutiae’… ‘Fivo Malusia’… ‘Fibro Malaysia’… which we think is people who suffer from neck strain looking for the missing Flight 370.
“I CAN’T FIND THE PLANE…”
7:37:34 a.m. – “Hollywood & Vine”. Apparently, Riedel took Dagen and Imogen to see ‘Cabaret’, and they both express their lust for Alan Cumming. Yes. You read that right. Alan Cumming. If this is what women think is hot these days…we’re going over to the other side.
HE’S BITING ‘MY PILLOW’
7:44:34 a.m. – Riedel name drops Pete Townshend…of ‘The Who’…which, interestingly enough, is what Townsend says when you name drop Michael Riedel. “Who?” He says he was backstage with Pete after a concert…we suppose they were exchanging child porn photos with each other.
TOWNSHEND AND RIEDEL: ‘OLD AGE WASTELAND’
8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is pissed off. Apparently, over the weekend at the Joe Beaver Roping, Tuf Cooper was standing right behind him, and nobody introduced Imus, (who has been singing Tuf’s praises for years) to him. He is especially annoyed with Sunny Brazier, as, introducing the Radio Hall of Famer to the Rodeo Hall of Famer was something the didn’t ‘Get on her mind.’
EVEN THIS MONKEY WAS INTRODUCED TO TUF…ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, HE DID HOLD ON TO THE BORDER COLLIE FOR LONGER THAN 8 SECONDS
8:35:24 a.m. – A rare treat. Senator John (Wayne) McCain is LIVE in the studio this morning. The I-Man is sticking around for this interview, even though he has a migraine headache. He says he either is getting sick or he has a brain tumor. It will be interesting to see him whine about how he feels to War Hero McCain, who was tortured by the Cong for over 5 years in a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp. We can just see Senator McCain nodding, empathizing…or, for that matter, nodding off, as he’s heard this story about a billion times. He is very kind and polite, however, because about as close as the I-Man ever got to being shot down over enemy territory was attending a screening of ‘Top Gun’.
“A HEADACHE? AN EFFING HEADACHE? IS THIS DUMB BASTARD SH**TING ME?”
8:36:14 a.m. – Senator McCain is an elegant, eloquent, elder statesman. In short, the Anti-Imus. In nature, when matter meets anti-matter, it usually results in a tremendous explosion. Not to say that the I-Man doesn’t have his own charms…but his sunny disposition isn’t one of them. Especially when he doesn’t feel well. Did we mention he doesn’t feel well? He certainly has. Repeatedly. Ad Nauseum.
THESE PEOPLE DON’T HAVE HEADACHES…THEY JUST DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO HIM COMPLAIN ANY MORE
8:54:14 a.m. – Good news and Bad news. The I-Man is feeling better. As such, he will be sticking around until the end of the program. You decide which is which.
THE CHART OF I-MALADIES
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
IF THESE WERE ‘MY PILLOWS’ MAYBE HE WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN ARRESTED