6:06:06 a.m. – Breaking News: The I-Man is down to 149 pounds! Of course, he’s going to Austin this weekend for Zack’s Graduation from the University of Texas, and will be holed up in the Governor’s Suite at the Four Seasons with an open line to Room Service. He says he will have a Hot Fudge Sundae or two. Just in case you’re concerned…it’s not a Euphemism for some kind of twisted 80’s service for which you’d procure ‘Out Call’. He means the actual dessert, Ice Cream, Hot Chocolate Syrup, Whipped Cream…and a cherry.
THE I-MAN, LOOKING FIERCE AT 149 POUNDS.
“DOES THIS MOHAWK MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?”
6:12:22 a.m. – As a result of the Hot Fudge Sundae binging that will be going on in Texas this weekend, the I-Man predicts that when he returns to New York for Tuesday’s program, he will weigh 167 pounds. Rob has taken bigger dumps than that. (T.M.I.? Sorry)
DOES THIS COUCH MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?
6:19:38 a.m. – Mike Breen called the I-Man yesterday, in response to his being taken to task for using the word ‘Exquisite’ when speaking about the Basketball Game the other night. He blames the I-Man for the somewhat ridiculously ornate speech, as, when he first began his play by play duties for the NBA, he received a gift of a Thesaurus and Grammar Book from the Boss. Still, we think his choice of rhetoric was somewhat imprudent and improvident…while concurrently sublime. And it also has to do with the fact that, in the off-season, Mike has begun writing Baroque Romance Novels.
THE FIRST OF THE ‘DEEP IN THE HOLE’ TRILOGY
6:40:14 a.m. – Mike Baker is on…or, at least the man who CALLS himself ‘Mike Baker’ is here. Dagen postulated earlier that the man we know as ‘Mike Baker’ is, in fact, someone else. It’s not his real name, and, for all we know, not his real character. This could be an invented identity. Quite frankly, we really don’t want to press him on the subject. Especially at the beginning of the Holiday Weekend.
AGENT 47…REMOVING HIS DISGUISE
6:40:14 a.m. – Mike reveals that he learned something on ‘Outnumbered’ yesterday afternoon…that the optimum time to impart information to a man is 8:15 P.M. At least he THINKS that’s what it was. They told him this fact at around 12:34 P.M. It’s been our experience that when we needed to impart information to our wives and/or girlfriends, we do it at around 4:30 A.M. Because upon waking them from a sound sleep, they are too disoriented to understand what we said…and consequently, can’t start punching us. Then later, when they press us to explain why we spent the mortgage money for a New Harley…we can’ tell her she must’ve dreamt that.
7:15:34 a.m. – Dagen is rocking some ‘Tracy Chang’ style hair. She has it pulled behind. We’re not surprised that the follically focused Imus likes it. We’ve always suspected he prefers it from behind.
THE I-MAN. ROCKING THE ‘TRACY CHANG’
7:40:18 a.m. – PSYCHOS II Or, as we like to call it, “IF IT’S THURSDAY, IT MUST BE GUNZ.” Who, coincidentally, begins the segment by complaining about the Twitter Heat he received for commenting about Iggy Azalea’s new, Post-Plastic Surgery, Look. His ‘Face Shaming’ nearly ‘Broke the Internet’ like the Naked Kim Kardsashian photo…which, essentially, makes him the SECOND biggest ass on the World Wide Web,
‘IGGY’ & ‘PIGGY’
7:41:44 a.m. – Deirdre is upset by the California Health Care System, who refuses to treat an anorexic woman due to the liability involved. Apparently, she doesn’t meet the ‘Minimum Weight Requirement’ to be treated at a hospital…which flies in the face of the adage: “You can’t be too thin.”
KAREN CARPENTER. IF SHE’D JUST HAD A COUPLA SANDWICHES
7:42:58 a.m. – Alan Colmes is offended by the Duggar Family, stars of the Reality Series ’19 Kids & Counting’ who are, reportedly, trying for ‘Number 20’. He shouldn’t worry, really…Mama Duggar might not be able to conceive. One more kid and her uterus will fall out like a rusty muffler.
“JORDAN…IS THAT A CELLO? OR IS THAT MOMMY’S CERVIX?”
7:43:44 a.m. – Bo is worried about…well, forget his rant…what’s REALLY bothering him is Alan Colmes. Or ‘Bug Eyes’ as he calls him. He comments pejoratively on Alan’s Red, White and Blue Outfit, as according to Detective Dietl, Alan is a ‘Communistianic’ …
FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT TO PRESERVE…REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS
8:08:16 a.m. – Connell has been reporting on the revelation of what books Osama Bin Laden had in his library. Apparently, the Kidney Challenged Criminal was quite the avid reader. Upon viewing the list of tomes that lined the shelves in his compound…one could say that his literary tastes were eclectic, at the very least. Titles like: “Bloodlines of the Illuminati” and “The Secrets of the Federal Reserve.”, a paranoid, conspiracy theory treatise, authored by a Holocaust denier. It makes us wonder what OTHER books one might find on the Bin Laden Bookshelves. “The Little Engine That Could” for inspiration… “50 Shades of Grey”…for torture tips… and “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.”…because, for obvious reasons, he couldn’t go out and see the movie. We also think Dan Jenkins’ ‘Semi Tough’ would’ve been up there somewhere as well.
BIN LADEN: NOT JUST A WORM. A BOOKWORM.
8:12:24 a.m – Also found in the Bin Laden Compound were applications for membership in Al Qaeda, which had a space left blank for the Terrorist Candidates for them to name who should be contacted in case of ‘Martyrdom.’ We don’t know why there was an actual APPLICATION to fill out, other than there might have been an inordinate number of Iraqis seeking the position…as, apparently, the 401 K and the Health Plan were only TWO of the sweet benefits offered, along with two weeks paid vacation and every other Ramadan off.
ALSO FOUND: OSAMA’S UNFINISHED APPLICATION TO THE OLIVE GARDEN IN QATAR
8:40:18 a.m. - Monica Crowley is on, and the I-Man wants to know more about her time with The Late Richard M. Nixon. (He’s not actually LATE…he’s pretty much going to be a ‘no-show’ at this point) She says she wrote him a letter about Foreign Policy…which, for her, is tantamount to a Fan Letter written by a smitten teen to Zayn of ‘One Direction’. The 77 year old Former President invited the 21 year old Conservative Hottie down to visit him in Upper Saddle River New Jersey…we assume for spirited conversation about issues of the day…although, we wouldn’t be surprised if the crazy old bastard wanted to show her his ‘Tricky Dicky’.
“SO…MISS CROWLEY…HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GROWN PRESIDENT…NAKED.”
8:43:12 a.m. - Monica remembers Nixon foreseeing the rise of Islamic Fundamentalism, the emergence of China as a GLOBAL power to rival the United States…and…Starbucks.
“IS SO STRANGE…BUT…LIKE…A HALF HOUR LATER I’M TIRED AGAIN…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
NOT ONLY DID OSAMA BIN LADEN LIKE TO READ…HE HAD HARRY BELAFONTE ON HIS iPOD