6:05:10 a.m. – Well, it’s 420. Which is the unofficial holiday known as ‘Weed Day’, so named because…um…it’s…hehehehehehehehe…what? Stop looking at me, man. Why are you looking at me? Hehehehehhehe. Shhh. Do you hear somebody coming? Hey. DORITOS! Right? RIGHT? What? Oh. Hehehehehehe.
“DUDE. HASH BROWNS ON THE SANDWICH, DUDE! FOR REALS! THAT’S WHY THEY SHOULD MARILIZE LEGAL JUANA.”
6:06:18 a.m. – Bigfoot is not here. We hope he’s okay. And not caught in some bear trap…we mean ‘bad traffic’…they sound alike. Hey. Bear Trap. Bad Traffic. Wow. That’s deep. What day is it? You gonna finish that egg sammidge? Wow. Duuuude. I am so…baked right now!
‘THESE ARE FRESH. HIS CAR MUST’VE BROKEN DOWN. HE’S HEADED TO FOX ON FOOT. ALERT SECURITY, WE DON’T WANT HIM GETTING SHOT TRYING TO ENTER THE BUILDING.’
6:12:22a.m. – The Boss gives us another piece of history that looms large in his legend. Sometime around 1960 he was entered in a Talent Contest at a club in the heart of…WATTS, ostensibly, the only White Guy within a 20 mile radius. What was his talent? Being ‘The Bravest Man in the World.’ He also sang a song he wrote called ‘Gunfight at the Sunset Strip’. We think the judges believed he was a comic…or somebody challenged besides being the only White guy within a 20 Mile radius.
“HEY! SHUT UP! I’M SINGING HERE! ARE YOU FOLKS EVEN LISTENING?”
6:40:14 a.m. – Juan Williams and the I-Man discuss National Politics including Lindsey Graham suggesting on Fox that there is a 91% chance of him running for president. A statement that immediately led the Boss to ask “Do you think Lindsey Graham wears women’s underwear?” Juan didn’t take the bait, however. We suspect because HE is wearing women’s underwear. We know the I-Man is.
“WHY, BEAUREGARD! I DO DECLARE, YOU’VE CAUGHT ME IN MY UNMENTIONABLES! PRISSY! GO FETCH ME MY SHAWL!”
6:42:28 a.m. – Imus asks Juan for some advice as to what he should do about the upcoming Bill O’Reilly interview, and if he should play Bill the sound bite of Megyn Kelly maintaining she would be a better interviewer of Hillary Clinton than he would be. Juan is all for it, just because he wants to see some ‘White on White’ crime for a change.
“MICRO? YOU KNOW WHAT’S REALLY MICRO? THAT THING YOUR HUSBAND HAS IN HIS PANTS!”
7:05:10 a.m. – Academy of Country Music Awards were last night, which Imus mistook for the Country Music Awards, in other words, he thought it was the CMAs when it was actually the ACMs…because he’s ADD. And he has COPD. But he likes NWA. He’s always been a Dr. Dre. Fan. That is, until he found out that Dre couldn’t write scrip.
NO VICODIN, BUT MEDICINAL CANNIBIS…YO, YOU GOTS TO HIT DAT $#*t !
7:15:30 a.m. – The City Council of New York votes to De-Criminalize Public Urination, which comes as a great relief to the I-Man…as he will no longer have to post bail when he gets a UTI and can’t make it to the restroom.
PENTHOUSE, ASTOR PLACE, NYC, CIRCA 1979
7:17:41 a.m. – Warner begins to throw Bigfoot under the bus for not having the video clip ready of Cleveland Cavaliers Superstar Point Guard, Kyrie Irving. Bigfoot responds that “We were in the middle of cueing up the video of your induction into the Washington D.C. Sports Hall of Fame.” Warner responds… that had he known that, he wouldn’t have even brought up Kyrie Irving.
“DUDE! LOOK AT WARNER! HE IS TOTALLY %#@KED UP! DID YOU GIVE HIM SOME OF THAT A-DUB TICKLE KUSH OF YOURS? I THINK HE BOGARTED THE WHOLE JOINT,! WARNER! YOU OKAY, DUDE?”
“…HOT DOGEE…I WANT A HOT DOGEEE.”
7:18:36 a.m. – Connell’s wife, Phyllis, was at the Islanders Playoff game yesterday. She became such a fan of the Islanders, that she vowed to never attend another Mets game, again. Ever. Just like the Wilpons will be… by midseason.
CONNELL POSES IN FRONT OF A POSTER OF HIS WIFE, PHYLLIS, WHO WENT MISSING, ONLY TO BE FOUND LATER THAT DAY, AT AN ISLANDERS’ GAME
7:40:18 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS with Tony Powell, Nat Candido, Lou Rufino, Warner Wolf and Gunz Gunzelman, because…you need to have at least one woman on the panel. The Gentlemen…(and Lady) discuss that nobody is talking about Rangers Hockey, despite the fact that they have a great chance to win the Stanley Cup Championship this year. Although Gunz, like Connell’s wife, is another female hockey fan.
GUNZ ACTUALLY PLAYED GOALIE FOR HER COLLEGE HOCKEY TEAM
8:16:32 a.m. – Warner has played the video clip of Mets Catcher, Travis D’Arnaud, (n. pron. “Dar-No’ “) getting his hand fractured when hit by a pitch. Each time, he has said Travis’ name differently. “Dee-Arno, De-naud, Denied, It’s Delightful, It’s Delicious It’s DeLovely.” Cole Porter! 1936 Gold, here on your Heartbreak Radio Station! Warner played it when it was a hit. And introduced it as a ‘Cold Porter Song’.
FROM WARNER’S EXTENSIVE RECORD COLLECTION
8:35:00 a.m – – Bill O’Reilly is on to promote his ‘Legends and Lies’ program, of which he is executive producer, profiling some great Old West Icons…like the Lone Ranger, who, according to Bill, was not only based upon a real person…but that person happened to be black. Bass Reeves, was his name and he lived amongst Native Americans. Which makes us wonder if ‘Kemosabe’ was known back then as ‘The K Word.’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WARNER BRIEFLY INTERVIEWS ANDRE’ THE GIANT
CLEARLY DEMONSTRATING WHY HE DESERVES TO BE IN THE WASHINGTON D.C. SPORTS HALL OF FAME