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    Thursday
    Feb262015

    Psychos 2

    6:06:06 a.m. –  The I-Man feels vindicated, as the new Kid Rock Record, ‘First Kiss’ is the number one record in America.  Carley, hearing that it has received a RAVE review from Rolling Stone, asks the I-Man if he’s “Back on the Kid Rock Bandwagon.”  A designation that Imus isn’t happy with, as it suggests that he was ever OFF the bandwagon…as he most certainly was in the 9:00 hour, after being influenced by Lou, Dagen and Rob’s negative opinions.  Lou offers that the Rolling Stone would give 5 stars to ANYTHING… Dagen says “A Stephen Hawking Spoken Word Record” would get a rave from RS.   The good news is, he will focus on Kid Rock, and spare us from more Richard Price rants.

    HOW THE I-MAN SEES KID ROCK

    HOW EVERYONE ELSE SEES KID ROCK

    6:19:37 a.m. –  Dagen reports that there is some talk about allowing long-haul Cross-Continental flights in and out of Laguardia aiport.  This prompts Ashley to go on tirade about LGA…that it’s a “Third World Airport,” based upon its’ dilapidated condition, which makes it seem like you’re flying into Mogadishu.  Not true, Ringo.  It’s like flying into Port Authority Bus Station.

    RUNWAY 4 NORTH AT LGA

    6:40:40 a.m. –    Baker, Mike Baker, is on.  Breaking his cover to appear live in the studio with us today, which makes us believe that we are in great danger.  Prior to his appearance, we catch him backstage measuring the gauge of a piano wire.  Somebody’s going down.  We don’t know who.  Unless he, too, has heard Kid Rock’s new album.

    MIKE BAKER, BEHIND THE CURTAIN, PRACTICING HIS ‘TECHNIQUE’

    6:43:40 a.m. –    During their discussion of the three Brooklyn ISIS candidates, who,  Mr. says “They aren’t exactly ‘Lex Luthor’.  The I-Man doesn’t know who Lex Luthor is.  “You’ve gone through your entire life not knowing who Lex Luthor is?”   The I-Man admits that he doesn’t.  Agent Baker lets him know that Lex Luthor is Superman’s major nemesis.  Imus doesn’t have a frame of reference for Superman comics.  Probably because Richard Price didn’t write them.

    LEX TAKES OUT HIS FRUSTRATION ON SUPERMAN , BECAUSE I-MAN DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The Boss feels that the Daily News’ music critic, Jim Farber, who gave Kid Rock’s New Album a SCATHING review, is an IDIOT for not knowing who Bocephus is.  Farber wrote that Bocephus  is Hank Williams the 3rd, GRANDSON of the Great Hank Williams, when Bocephus, as EVERYONE ON THE PLANET KNOWS… is actually HANK JUNIOR.   We agree, although we believe you don’t need to have done accurate research to know that Yoko Ono should NEVER make a ‘Music’ album.

    “WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOUR ROWDY FRIENDS, HENRY?  I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING THEM.”

    7:18:46 a.m. –  Imus says that in the case of these three Brooklyn Losers, (Our words…his sentiment) who wanted to join ISIS, we should employ something he came up with called ‘Mobile Justice’.  This is where the I-Man rides around with Brant driving, like he’s Kato to the I-Man’s Green Hornet, with a big, giant Die Hard Battery and a set of jumper cables, which he will attach to the nuts of people like these three bastards.  We would start with the Nipples first…but…there’s a chance these morons might like it.

    DEIRDRE APPLYING SOME ‘MOBILE JUSTICE’ TO THE GUY WHO OWNS THE FALAFEL STAND IN FRONT OF THE APARTMENT

    7:20:40 a.m. –  The Boss reveals that his dogs drink nothing but Dasani Water.  Which means the Imus’ use Dasani Water in their toilets.

    “YO!  CHECK IT OUT!  THEY PUT LEMONADE IN HERE TODAY!”

    7:31:44 a.m. – Replacing the Mensa Meeting, something we like to call, (courtesy of Shakespeare’s ‘Scottish Play’)  “A tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”  Otherwise known as PSYCHOS 2 !!!  The Sequel.  But with the same panelists as the Mensa meeting.  Colmes, McGuirk, Gunzelman, Dietl and Deirdre.  Bernie rants about not putting ‘Boots on the ground’ in the Middle East, Colmes resents Bibi Netanyahu addressing Congress behind the back of the White House, Dietl is incensed at the treatment of veterans, and Gunz…hates that they call a ‘Small Coffee’ a ‘Tall’ at Starbucks.  Yes.   You read right.  This dip$#!%  is all fired up about beverage sizes.   You can’t make it up.  Deirdre on the other hand, who goes from Zero to 1000 degrees Kelvin from Jump Street, rants to the I-Man about his always asking her, ‘What Difference Does It Make?’  An Israeli and a Palestinian arguing over a parking spot at a mall in Jerusalem is not this volatile.    Put the Korean, British and Urkranian Parliaments in the same room and it wouldn’t be this contentious.

    DEIRDRE ‘EXPLAINS’ TO ALAN WHY HE’S WRONG.

    8:06:10 a.m. – Warner promos a heartbreaking story coming up on his Sports Report, about Los Angeles Angels Outfielder, Josh Hamilton, who, once again, had a relapse with his battle with cocaine and alcohol.  The I-Man, having walked a mile in those shoes asks Warner if he ever did any Cocaine.  Warner tells him no.  Which is true.  Warner never DID cocaine.  He did sell a $#itload of it back in the 80’s though. But he never got high on his own supply.

    THAT’S NOT EXACTLY TRUE.  WARNER DID ACTUALLY TRY COCAINE.  HE PUT SOME ON HIS GUMS AND…HIS TEETH FELL OUT.

    “ALL I HAVE IN THIS WORLD ARE MY BALLS AND MY WORD, AND I DON’T BREAK THEM FOR NO ONE…YOU UNERSTAN’?”

      “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN’!”

    8:16:32 a.m. – Dagen does a story on KFC’s new ‘Taste Treat’…coffee cups that…you can eat.  In London they are testing these comestible vessels, called ‘S’coffee’ which we guess, are like a scone… made of cookie and sugar.   In a related story…Taco Bell now provides edible Toilet Paper in their bathrooms.

    THE NEW EDIBLE FLATWARE AT DENNY’S

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Imus has Trevor ‘Roto Rooter’ his Ear Monitors.  Um…ew.   We haven’t seen that much wax since we were in the Yankee Candle store at the Mall.

    ‘EAU D’ IMUS.  EW.’

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Monica Crowley is here, LIVE, which we always prefer, because…the girl be smokin’.   She worked under Richard Nixon…um…FOR Richard Nixon.  Pat Nixon worked under Richard Nixon…and was the sole beneficiary of the ‘Tricky Dicky’.  Monica says she learned much from the 37th President.  Like how to break into a hotel room when you can’t find your key, the best way to erase a tape, and how NOT to sweat on TV.  Although, he was not particularly great at that last one.

    “WELL, MS. CROWLEY, WHAT PAT AND I DO, IS THIS:  I TAKE OFF MY PANTS, AND SHE GETS TOPLESS AND PUTS ON A STATUE OF LIBERTY CROWN, AND THEN WE DO IT TO THE SOUNDS OF ‘HAIL TO THE CHIEF’ WHILE I SCREAM  ‘SOCKIT TO ME SOCKIT TO ME SOCKIT TO ME’.  AND THEN, 90 SECONDS LATER, WHEN IT’S ALL OVER, AS I GO BACK TO MY OWN BEDROOM, I SAY, “AS I LEAVE YOU, I WANT YOU TO KNOW…THINK HOW MUCH YOU’RE GOING TO BE MISSING…YOU WON’T HAVE NIXON TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE.”

    “UM…MR. PRESIDENT…I ASKED YOU WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU WANT TO ‘PASS THE BUCK’, NOT WHEN YOU ‘WANT SOME ASS AND FU… AH, NEVERMIND”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SOME OF THE BEST FILM ACTING WE’VE EVER SEEN

    (BUT THE CUBAN ACCENT IS AWFUL)

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfpUtTz9EeI

    Tuesday
    Feb242015

    The Premiere of Psychos

    6:06:06 a.m. –    We begin the morning with the I-Man’s announcement that we will be premiering a new segment today, PSYCHOS’  , featuring Dagen McDowell, Nat Candido, Arthur Aidala (In for regularly scheduled psycho Bo Dietl) and Deirdre.  The concept is that each panelist will complain about something…and then Rant about it.  When the Boss pitched the segment to Deirdre last night, her answer was… “But I don’t have anything to complain about.”    What?  No, really.  WHAT?  All she DOES is complain.  Vaccines with Thimerasol, Processed Foods, Abortion…waking up in a wet bed…there are THOUSANDS of things that trip her trigger. 

    WE’LL WAIT FOR THE MOVIE…

    6:09:18 a.m. – GREAT NEWS!   Joe Beaver has been signed for ‘The American’, the 1-Day, 2 Million Dollar Rodeo, brainchild of Patrick Gotsch.  The Eight Time World Champion, 2 Time Olympian, Beaver will be announcing the Roping Events.  Wow.  What an inspired choice.  We wonder where Patrick got THAT idea?   And why he waited until 5 DAYS BEFORE THE EVENT TO NAIL THE BOY DOWN?  Who was he THINKING of to announce the Rodeo?   Neil Patrick Harris? 

    NEIL PATRICK HARRIS.  HE’D TURN “THE AMERICAN” INTO “THE GREEK”

    6:21:14 a.m. –  The I-Man got himself some Cannabis Oil.  Before you think he’s going to start gorging on Ben n’ Jerry’s and stare at his thumbnail looking for the tiny universe, you’re wrong.  At least about the Ben n’ Jerry’s.   Apparently, studies show that a little of the oil under the tongue is very therapeutic in treating Prostate Cancer.  And when smoked in a Bong, very therapeutic in making Lucinda Williams look amazing, and her records sound GREAT.

    BEFORE CANNABIS OIL         AFTER CANNABIS OIL

       

     

    BEFORE CANNABIS OIL      AFTER CANNABIS OIL

     

    BEFORE CANNABIS OIL       AFTER CANNABIS OIL

    6:43:40 a.m. –   Father Jonathan Morris is here, and the I-Man was late getting to the Good Father…which, Father Jonathan will, no doubt, take into consideration when he gets the call to come administer Last Rites.  “Tell him I’m calling Bingo right now.   I’ll be there in a couple hours...B 12… N 48…” 

    HE LOVETH HIS NEW PARISH

    6:44:40 a.m. –   Father has been placed in a Parish in The Bronx, near Arthur Avenue, which he is excited about for two reasons:  He is fluent in Spanish, and LOVES Italian Food, both of which there is a plethora in his new neighborhood.  His first order of business as the Head Honcho is to get a new boiler, as the one there in the Parish is facocht.  (Yiddish for F#@ked)   The I-Man is going to hook him up with Pete Morgan, the CEO of ‘Peerless Boilers’ to get him a ‘deal’.  Pete is Catholic.  I think there’s some complete and total lifetime absolution in it for him, if he coughs up a ‘Freebie’.  Father Jonathan will make a special dispensation for Pete…he can eat Steak every Friday during Lent.  

    ‘WHAT?  IT’S OKAY.  FATHER MORRIS SAID I’M ANEMIC’

    7:04:08 a.m. – The I-Man mentions to Dr. Bill Evans look like little ‘Barbie’ Dolls.  Dr. wants clarification, because he believes he looks more ‘Ken’ Doll than Barbie, which…is a distinction without a difference.  Neither Barbie NOR Ken…have junk.

    “IT’S NOT THAT I WOULDN’T LOVE TO…BUT I DON’T HAVE A VAGINA.”

    “HEY, ME NEITHER!”

    7:06:12 a.m. – “Holy S#!@!  Is the I-Man talking about Richard Price…AGAIN?”  Uh…yep. 

    7:11:26 a.m. –  “Oh my God, he’s STILL talking about him.”  We want to KILL Richard Price.  It’s his fault we have to endure this torture. Okay, not kill.   But we hope he gets a Kidney Stone the size of a softball.  We want his junk to look like a Boa Constrictor that swallowed a canned ham.

    THAT’S GONNA HURT

    7:18:36 a.m. –  Ashley Webster reports that the money the Tooth Fairy leaves on your child’s pillow is now an average of 4 dollars and 36 cents a tooth.  Although, in the South you can get about 5 dollars and 17 cents.  That’s because seeing teeth in the South is such a rarity.   In England, Ashley’s homeland, the Tooth Fairy doesn’t leave anything.  She died of exhaustion back in the 40’s.

    “I PUT IN 70 HOURS OF OVERTIME IN ALABAMA ALONE!”

    7:31:44 a.m. –  ‘PSYCHOS’   debuts.  And, it turns out, it’s VERY aptly named.  Dagen begins by ranting about…wait for it…Dog Poop.  Specifically, the Dog Owners who don’t pick up after their Dachshund drops a deuce.  She maintains that, in the winter, it’s especially egregious, as you can clearly see the doody in the snow…which, we would think, is a plus…so you can avoid stepping in it.   It’s a lot better than having it hiding in the grass when you’re wearing a pair of flip flops in the summer.  She threatens that, the next time she sees a dog owner make such an infraction, she will follow him back to his apartment with Nat, and have Mr. Candido take a dump in the living room.

    LOOKS LIKE DOG POOP, SMELLS LIKE DOG POOP, TASTES LIKE DOG POOP…GOOD THING WE DIDN’T STEP IN IT.

     

    JESUS, NAT!  WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT?  EVERYBODY!  GET OUT OF THE WATER!  THE BEACH IS CLOSED!

    7:33:32 a.m. –  Arthur Aidala’s beef is that 325 Million people in America, so how come we have to choose between another Clinton and another Bush?  Arthur…there are about 80 different colors of M&Ms at the M&M store.  All of them have the same s@#% inside.   To quote one of the aforementioned Clintons… ‘What Difference Does It Make?’   To quote one of the aforementioned Bush’s… ‘I don’t like M&Ms…they’re too tough to peel.’

    ARTHUR…THEY HAVE 50 SHADES OF GREY

    7:34:23 a.m. –  Deirdre’s pet peeve is…shock of shocks… VACCINATIONS. 

    7:37:14 a.m. –  …still ranting…

    7:34:23 a.m. –  …she’s like the Energizer Bunny…where’s Imus with his Richard Price rant when you need it?

    7:41:09 a.m. –  …FINALLY.  She’s done…and we all need shots now.  Of Jack Daniels.  And injections of Sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide, and potassium chloride.   You probably don’t know, but many people have died after being vaccinated with that stuff.  It’s what they use on Death Row.

    “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  VACCINATING ME?  I DON’T WANT TO BE VACCINATED!  VACCINES ARE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!”

     7:43:22 a.m. –  Nat takes exception with people who ride public transportation with him to work.  They don’t exhibit proper ‘Bus Etiquette’. They put their seats back too far so they’re in his lap, they yap mindlessly on their cell phones, and they play their iPods so loud he can hear their s#!tty music.  We believe his fellow passengers must have a similar beef with him…as we are sure him taking a dump on his seat isn’t all that pleasant either.  Especially when it’s right before the bus goes through the Lincoln Tunnel.

    MAYBE NAT SHOULD TAKE ANOTHER BUS TO WORK

    8:03:10 a.m. – Dr. Bill chimes in, once again, and mentions that he ALWAYS picks up after his dog, even on ridiculously cold days…as they are little, hard, tootsie roll bricks.  Thereby, making them easier to throw at cars that honk at him.

    SOMETIMES, DR. BILL GETS A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Warner reports on a Major League Baseball Player changing his name to break a slump.   B.J. Upton, (The B.J. represents BossMan Junior)  outfielder for the Atlanta Braves, is now going with his birth name…Melvin Upton Junior.  We can see why he went with the B.J. in the first place, despite its’ porn actor stigma.   This reminds us of our old friend ‘Seymour Butz’, changing his name to ‘I.C. Yoorass.’

    WE TYPED ‘BJ’ INTO GOOGLE.  IT TOOK A LONG TIME UNTIL WE CAME UPON THIS IMAGE.

    8:35:00 a.m  – K.T. McFarland is on the phone, talking about ISIS, and the President trying to make a nuclear peace deal with Iran, as there is great fear there will be Nukes in the Middle East, which will turn them from being oil exporters to glass makers.

    WELL, ONE THING’S FOR SURE…IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF THE ISIS PROBLEM ONCE AND FOR ALL

    8:39:00 a.m  –The I-Man asks Ms. McFarland, who served as an advisor in the Nixon, Ford and Reagan administrations, which of them ‘hit’ on her more?   She demurs.  She leaves it up to us to guess.  We’re gonna go with the Nixon administration… we think he was called ‘Tricky Dick’ for a reason.  And not because he could twist it into balloon animals.

    THEIR ‘ELMO’ WAS RATHER DISTURBING

    VIDEO OF THE DAY  

    TO CELEBRATE ‘PSYCHOS’, THE NEWEST SEGMENT ON THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM,

    WE PRESENT

    PETER GRIFFIN FROM ‘FAMILY GUY’

    AND

    ‘WHAT REALLY GRINDS HIS GEARS’

      

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q685Ko2DHDs

    Monday
    Feb232015

    Post Oscars Edition

    6:06:06 a.m. –    The I-Man is feeling a little blue this morning, because it was a bad weekend, as there was nothing good on television.  The Combine sucked, the Oscars sucked, The Golden Girls was pre-empted and there were no sporting events to watch.   You could offer that the Knicks and the Cavaliers played last night…but we said ‘Sporting Event’…not a ‘Snuff Film’.

    CARMELO ANTHONY FRAMES THE SHOT WHERE PHIL JACKSON GETS EATEN TO DEATH BY HOGS

    6:09:18 a.m. – The I-Man watched the semi-finals of  ‘The American’, the 2 Million Dollar Rodeo that Patrick Gotsch, of RFD, sponsors.  Unfortunately he watched it in ‘Standard Definition’ and NOT HD, so, unfortunately, he will only be able to put a fuzzy image of a steer into his ‘Spank Bubble’.   He notes that he doesn’t have his 2300 dollar eyeglasses yet, or for that matter, somebody he could hire to narrate what was going on for him…although, for 2300 bucks, he could have flown to Texas and gotten a front row seat…or sit in the Rodeo Clown’s Barrel with a ‘Go-Pro’ on his head.

    I’LL HAVE THE FOOTAGE FOR YOU IN HIGH DEF IN ABOUT 40 MINUTES, I-MAN

    6:15:30 a.m. –   Dagen is caught coughing on air, irritating the Boss, and amusing Connell.   Dagen, as always, offered her usual heartfelt apology… “I’ve been sick all week and coming to work so…BOOYA!.”   Which leads the I-Man to ponder what it must be like living with Granny Yoakum…and states that her husband, Jonas, must wonder why Mama T didn’t point to her and say, ‘I’ll start with THAT one’. 

    “SO…MS. MCDOWELL…WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO…EAT THE MAILMAN?”

    6:37:05 a.m. –   Imus goes to commercial by playing a Lucinda Williams song.  Now we have a pretty good idea what the REAL reason for his having a bad weekend was.  He listened to HER all day Saturday and Sunday.  We’re just glad he didn’t come back to work this morning with a 200 a day Heroin Habit.

    BEFORE THE WHITE DRAGON                  AFTER THE WHITE DRAGON

    6:40:40 a.m. –   Bo Dietl is in for his regular Monday Morning Spot, and talks about a series of things…including Alzheimer’s, ISIS and the possibility of a ‘Lone Wolf’ terrorist attack.  Apparently, in Somalia, Al Shabab have encouraged Muslims in America to attack Malls.  Which, would probably be a wasted attack, as most Americans are shopping on the Internet.   Although we’d be in favor of somebody blowing up Cinnabon…so that we could no longer even THINK of eating one of those hubcap sized diabetic comas covered in Glazy ‘Sugar Ick’.   Although, if you see someone wearing an overcoat in July in front of the stand, just hide behind the fat bastard shoving the Cinnabon in his face…you’ll be shielded from the explosion.

    THIS FROSTING IS AN INFIDEL!

    7:03:06 a.m. –  Dr. Bill has gone missing. Connell introduces him…and then…silence.  Where is he?  He’s like a one man ‘Donner Party’.  Maybe he was putting on his ‘Going to get colder as the day goes on’ gear, and got stuck inside his snorkel jacket. 

    “HEY WARNER!  THEY KILLED DR. BILL!”  “YOU BASTARDS!”

    7:10:10 a.m. – The Boss goes on about author ‘Richard Price’, who happens to be one of his favorites, whose new book, ‘The Whites’ (Which wasn’t about the Academy Award nominees) was written by ‘Richard Price’, pretending to be ‘Harry Brandt’.  Which is plainly explained on the cover.  Which seems…well, IDIOTIC.  Mr. Price also did an interview with the New York Times where he tells us what’s on his nightstand.  Louise Glück’s collected poems, Atticus Lish’s “Preparation for the Next Life.”, Elaine Pagels’s “Revelations: Visions, Prophecy, and Politics in the Book of Revelation.”  Wow!  Just like we have on OUR nightstand.  Unfortunately, we don’t hear what he has on there besides books…because on ours, we’ve got a can of Diet Coke, our car keys and a box of Condoms.  (Unopened).

    DAGEN’S NIGHTSTAND (YOU CAN’T SEE THE D BATTERIES.  THEY’RE IN THE DRAWER)

    7:38:44  a.m. –  It’s a special, ALL OSCARS Edition of HOLLYWOOD & VINE,  where, Imogen Lloyd Webber, Michael Riedel, Deirdre Imus, Dagen McDowell and Tony Powell all weigh in with their criticism of the WORST Academy Awards Ceremony in History.  First up was how bad Neil Patrick Harris sucked…(no pun intended)  In fact, the only two people who feel good about his performance last night are James Franco and Anne Hathaway, because they no longer hold the title of the ‘WTF WERE YOU DOING?’ award given out by the Academy for the Most Awful Host.   They also discuss Harris’ coming out in his Tidy Whities…which, apparently, only ONE panelist was interested in.  (Dagen?  Um….no)  Imus points out that Oprah is a great actress but she wasn’t nominated as one.  Very sad.  Her movie, ‘Selma’ did not win ‘Best Picture’, so she had to go home and take a ‘Treasure Bath’ and then fall asleep on her Mattress made of New 100 dollar bills.  It’s her version of ‘Aromatherapy’, because who doesn’t love the smell of freshly printed money?  (Her ‘My Pillow’ is stuffed with 50’s…and, make no mistake, her MY Pillow is HER Pillow.  Don’t you even THINK about touching it, unless you plan on pulling your arm back as a bloody stump)  We suspect that NPH was ‘Packing’ for effect…and our theory was borne out by J.K. Simmons realizing, (too late) that there was no more toilet paper in the men’s room.

    IS THAT THE SHADOW OF THE MICROPHONE?  OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE CHANNING TATUM?

    8:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man notes that he likes Ryan Seacrest…thinks he does a GREAT job on the Red Carpet, which, of course, he does.  We still have a problem with him…because HE’S responsible for unleashing ‘The Kardashians’ on the world.  Thanks a lot, Ryan.  Here’s hoping you throw a clot before next New Year’s Eve so YOU sound like Dick Clark.

    “YOU’RE DOING VERY WELL, MR. SEACREST!”  

    “MUH EWE VUHRY MOOOSH”

    8:16:32 a.m. –  The I-Man says that all these horrible terrorist groups have GREAT names…that could be used as Band Names, like ‘Al Shabab’…and ‘ISIS’ and ‘Boko Haram’.   Which, we believe, is already a band name.  They did ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale and ‘Conquistador’.

    ONE ‘HIT’ WONDERS

    8:40:00 a.m  – Juan Williams is on and begins whining about the cold weather.  To which, the I-Man calls him a ‘pansy’.  Juan then goes on to discuss how Rudy Giuliani said that President Obama doesn’t love America…and that he was a communist when he was 9 Years Old.   This is the second reason why Rudy Giuliani shouldn’t speak.  The first, of course, is because you need an umbrella and a wetsuit if you’re standing next to him when he talks.

    SAY IT, DON’T SPRAY IT…

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SPECIAL ACADEMY AWARDS EDITION

     

    BLAINE EDWARDS AND ANTOINE MERRYWEATHER

    ‘MEN ON FILMS’

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWdL9mrYNmQ 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boBsEbFgJ4k 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKXFmGwislo 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXf6oYafHtQ&list=RDJKXFmGwislo&index=2 

     

    Friday
    Feb202015

    “JESUS, IT'S F@#$ING COLD!” EDITION  

    6:06:06 a.m. –     It’s 3 degrees in New York City.  TH TH TH THREE!  But the Wind-Chill makes it feel like 15 BELOW.   WHAT????   And the illness-prone I-Man left his apartment without wearing even a Jacket.  “I only have to walk 30 feet from the Limo.”  “Yes,” Connell says… “But it takes you an hour to do that.”   3 Degrees, and Connell from the 3 point line! 

     YOU MIGHT WANT TO WALK A LITTLE FASTER TO THE STUDIO, BOSS, BECAUSE, REMEMBER, “OLD PEOPLE GET COLD”

    6:10:18 a.m. –  The Boss tells us about his recent trip to the Lenscrafters uptown, where he thought he could get same-day service, only to find out, later that afternoon, that it would take Two Weeks.  What happened to ‘In About an Hour’?  he then goes to Morgenthal Frederics, where his last purchase, 10 years ago, only cost $500.   How much did he pay for the new pair? 2300 Dollars.   T T T T T  TWENTY THREE H H H H H HUNDRED BUCKS!   WHAT????  You don’t think they ‘Saw Him Comin’’, do you?  “Hey Mildred!  Call the travel agent!  Imus is here to buy glasses!”   2300 bucks could help buy an entire village for Sally Struthers, where the kids would be able to go to school to learn to read, so they can look at a F@#$ing PRICE TAG before they buy something.  And have a thousand bucks left to finance the Well, the Road, and the Air Dropped food!  For 2300 Bucks, The I-Man could hire somebody to read for him.  At the very least, get him a dog on a handle.

    HEY, SALLY.  MAYBE IF YOU JUST SKIPPED LUNCH, THOSE SOMALIAN KIDS COULD EAT FOR A YEAR

     

    HERE’S SOME EYEGLASSES FOR YOU, IMUS.  NOW GO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND THE ‘MAN IN THE SUN’

    6:40:40 a.m. –   Our favorite ‘Legal Eagle’, Arthur Aidala is here…and explains that, now as he is 47 years old, he finds he has to get up at least once during the middle of the night to go pee.  He asks Imus, who he says is only a few years older than him…but actually is just dyslexic, as he read Imus’ age backwards.  (74).  He should learn to do what the I-Man does:  Still pee during the night…just don’t get out of bed when you do it.

    THE NEXT BESTSELLER FROM THE I-MAN

    7:07:14 a.m. –  Imus told us that, on Wednesday, he worked out to Delbert McClinton on his iPod…and there wasn’t ONE bad song in over an hour.  Yesterday, he worked out to Lyle Lovett…with the same results.  Don’t get us wrong, we love us some Lyle Lovett…the boy’s a GENIUS…but it’s brilliant poetry…not exactly the stuff of ‘Sweatin’ With The Oldies’.  Today, the Boss plans on riding his stationary bike to Lucinda Williams: “I Changed the lock on my front door so you can’t see me anymore…” Good thing the Bike is Stationary…otherwise he’d ride it into Traffic. 

    WHO DOES LUCINDA WORK OUT TO? 

    A-   DELBERT McCLINTON, B- LYLE LOVETT, C-2000 HAMBURGERS TO GO

    TRICK QUESTION.  LUCINDA WILLIAMS, OBVIOUSLY, DOESN’T WORK OUT

    7:31:44 a.m. –  VINNIE FROM QUEENS , featuring EVERY F@#$INGBODY, except the swarthy Falafel Vendor on the corner, and…Rob.  The Falafel Vendor took the day off because of the cold, so, he, at least, has a reason why he’s not on the Expanded Panel.  Rob, on the other hand…just sucks.

    “HEY, RAFIQI!  WHO’S THE BIGGER DOUCHE?  TIGER?  A-ROD? OR IMUS?

    7:37:10 a.m. – The panel discusses a bunch of topics, including the NFL Combine, which, Tony observes, is actually a ‘Slave Auction’.  The only thing missing is the scouts checking the player’s teeth.

    “MONGO LOVE TO PLAY TACKLE!”

     

    JOHNNY MANZIEL  AT LAST YEAR’S COMBINE.  JUST BEFORE THEY RELEASED THE HOUNDS

    7:42:19 a.m. – Dagen has been called to the table to lend some of her NASCAR Expertise, as ‘The Great American Race’, is this Sunday, or, as Ms. McDowell calls it, “The NASCAR version of the Super Bowl.”  Naturally, the rest of the unevolved members of the panel meet her equating the two events with some substantial derision…which then sends the normally staid and demure ‘Daisy Mae’ to ‘Feudin’ Level’   She acted like the ATF found her Still, leading her to assail Nat, and then make the following observation about why Gunz should never be left alone in a Bakery.  “He couldn’t have sex with a loaf of bread.”  “I prefer Apple Pie”, retorts Gunz.  Which means whenever he’s in McDonalds, he winds up burning his penis because he sticks it in the Fry-O-Later.

    THE SIX DATES WHO TURNED GUNZ DOWN WHEN HE ASKED THEM IF THEY WANTED TO WATCH THE DAYTONA 500 WITH HIM

    GUNZ PROVING THAT HE CAN GET PUSSY.

    8:06:47 a.m. –  “Shout out to Tommy Morrison…now, who’s Tommy Morrison?  Well, he’s the guy who’s building the Roping Arena at the Ranch in Brenham.”   The I-Man then adds that Mr. Morrison is such a joy to work with, he doesn’t want the project to be done, because he loves spending time with him.   We should clarify that we are talking about Tommy Morrison, the Texas Contractor…and NOT the former boxer, and co-star of Rocky 4, the late Tommy ‘Machine Gun’ Morrison, who was also a contractor of sorts.  Except what he contracted was HIV.

    HEY.  I CAN BUILD A RANCH.  I BUILT PLENTY OF CABINS WITH MY LINCOLN LOGS

    8:16:47 a.m. –  Imus also sends some Well Wishes to ‘Bonnie Beaver’, Joe Beaver’s Mom, who is in the hospital.  The Boss LOVES Bonnie, especially because she says his name the same way Kinky does.  “Ah-Mus.”    “How yew doin’…Ah-Mus?”  Fortunately, she doesn’t also say, “I like it here…Be my Friend I-Man!” in a gut churning falsetto.  Or smoke a cigar, for that matter.  At least we hope The ‘Bonster’ doesn’t.

    BONNIE BEAVER ( L )  ‘ARTIST’S RENDERING’

    RICHARD KINKY BIG DICK FRIEDMAN ( R )  ‘THAT’S THE WAY HE REALLY LOOKS’

    8:18:36 a.m. –  The I-Man comments about the ‘Menagerie’ of On Camera  Contributors that Ashley Webster has during his FOX Business hits while he’s not on with us.  The Boss suggests that you could rope these dudes off an pay admission.  

    ASHLEY WEBSTER’S FOX BUSINESS ‘SEPARATED AT BIRTH’

     

                    

    JAN RUDOLPH                     GOLDFINGER

     

              BILL HUBARD                             ORVILLE REDENBACHER

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Laura Ingraham phones in, which delights the I-Man, as she is high up on the ‘Faves List’ Power Rotation, to throw her support to the President…PSYCHE.  She’s on to discuss ISIS and what we should do about it.  She thinks we should show some restraint…sit down and think about it carefully, as we do not want to send troops with no plan and end up creating something far worse.  Which was advice she did not heed when a cheating boyfriend of hers got a garden hose put through his apartment window and flooded by a betrayed Miss Ingraham.  If we really want to defeat ISIS, we should have one of them date Laura…and then dump her.  Hell Hath No Fury like Laura Ingraham…when she got her ‘Freaky Fatal Attraction Persona’ goin’ at full blast.  Not only will she kill everybody in ISIS, she will stick one of their sex-goats in a pot of boiling water.

    “WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TAKEN THAT INGRAHAM INFIDEL TO CHUCK E. CHEESE.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY  

    How Cold Is It In New York?

     

    This Cold.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E87raPj9m0A

    Thursday
    Feb192015

    Shake n' Bake!

    6:03:22 a.m. –   Off air, the I-Man mentions that Neil Cavuto doesn’t like Stuart Taylor Jr.  He’s also not crazy about Matt Taibi, and some of the other regular faces on The Imus in the Morning Program…including, by the way, the host.  He also must not like the Simpsons, as Stuart Taylor is a dead ringer for Ned Flanders, but we’re not sure his disdain spreads throughout the entire population of Yellow Cartoon People.

    WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?

     

    MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE NEIL LOOKS LIKE A ‘SOUTH PARK’ CHARACTER

    6:09:18 a.m. –  After chatting with Dagen about the upcoming Daytona 500 this Sunday, the I-Man asks her how that ‘woman’ is doing… “Danica Patrick.”  Imus contends that based upon her performance she should find something else to do.  Like what?  Drive for Uber? 

    IT TAKES HER AN EXTRA 20 MINUTES TO SHOW UP AFTER YOU’VE HAILED HER

    6:21:14 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Warner if he’s gone to see 50 Shades of Grey.  Warner says his wife wanted to go, but he had to… “Handcuff her.”   Oh, Warner.  You sly devil.  Underneath that Half a Tuna Eating Sandwich, Afternoon Movie Going veneer…you are, as we always suspected…a pervert.

    WOW, WARNER, THOSE WORKOUTS AT THE GYM ARE REALLY PAYING OFF

    6:25:40 a.m. –   Imus tells us that, for the past two years, every time he would try to use the phones on either his G-4, G-5 or Citation 10 NetJet… they would never work.  He’d be unable to make a call, which, obviously, was frustrating for the Boss, because, you’d think with all the money he’s spent with Net Jets over the past 20 years…the least they could do is have the phones work. This past Tuesday, when the Pilot who flew him back to New York from Texas informed him that NetJet turned off the phones years ago, because they now had an App that would allow him to make inflight calls and text.  Fortunately, it doesn’t allow him to control the plane:  “Make a left!  I said left, dammit!”,  “It’s too hot in here.  Crack a window.”  And:  “Hey, Captain.  How fat is your co-pilot?”  The headline here is…the I-Man spent TWO YEARS unable to make an inflight call…and just assumed they were out of range.  For 24 months. 730 Days, crisscrossing the country, trying to call Lupica to tell him “I can see your house from here” and he STILL wasn’t able to figure it out.

    “DAMMIT!  I CAN’T WORK THIS F#@&ING THING!”

    6:40:40 a.m. –   Stuart Taylor Jr. is on to discuss a recent article he wrote about College Football Star Jameis Winston, who, even though that he’s only accused of sexual assault, he’s effectively been tried and convicted by the New York Times. Mr. Taylor Jr. believes there’s some doubt on that account.  Perhaps Stuart has been the victim of false accusations in his own past, like the one where he allegedly took an “Up Skirt” picture of the Statue of Liberty.  Something that he denies this very day, maintaining it was just a ‘Tourist Photo’ that he wanted to send to a ‘friend in Amsterdam’.  Unfortunately, the guy playing the Statue of Liberty in Times Square up whose skirt Stuart took the picture, wasn’t buying it.  And so Mr. Taylor Jr. is not allowed on Liberty Island to this very day.

    ‘BIG BIRD’  ASSAULTING ‘LADY LIBERTY’

    7:13:10 a.m. – The filth-spewing Warner Wolf continues his reign of ‘Potty Mouthed Terror’ as he reports on last night’s HUGE Duke/Carolina game.  Apparently, in the storied history of this fabled rivalry, it seemed, that when there was overtime, Duke was able to ‘Beat Off Carolina’.   Yes, we would imagine you WOULD need overtime to service five guys, let alone try to play basketball while you’re doing it.  Some people can’t even pat their head and rub their tummy simultaneously.  The ball must’ve been  REALLY slippery.

    JARED BROWN APPROVES OF THE ‘SPECIAL FAVOR’

    7:38:44 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING   Features, once again, BO DIET!, who is making a return appearance as part of the ‘Mensatation Situation’…which is not to be confused with the ‘Menstruation Situation’, which features an entirely different kind of angry woman from Deirdre.  We’d say Lis Wiehl…except, it’s been a VERY LONG TIME since she’s actually BEEN in that ‘Situation’.  The panel discusses whether or not to refer to Muslims who become Radicalized, as ‘Terrorists’.  Well, what SHOULD they be called?  ‘The Sand People With Anger Management Issues’?  ‘The Artists Formerly Known As Convenience Store Clerks With IEDs’?  How about ‘MWA’ ‘Muslims With Attitude’? Their ‘Straight Outta Mosul’ album was Number Four on Iraqi Top 40.  ‘With a Bullet’

    “ALLAH SAID ‘KNOCK YOU OUT!’”

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Dagen reports that in the ‘Goodie Bags’ at the Oscars this Sunday, there will be some interesting ‘Swag’.  For instance, a case of Upscale, High Quality Condoms, worth $56 a box…which, for Matthew McConaughey, should be at least a night’s supply. They are also including a Laser Vibrator.  Um…really?   Is that supposed to help you ‘Relieve Stress’ while simultaneously giving you a ‘Brazilian’?

    T.J. HOOKER SEZ  “THIS GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE WORDS ‘BURNING BUSH’”

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Boogity Boogity Boogity, let’s go racin’ boys!  The Great Darrell Waltrip phones in to talk about Sunday’s ‘Daytona 500’.  This is the man who actually can make 40 guys driving around in a circle for 3 hours seem interesting, that’s how good a commentator he is.  Even better than he was as a driver, and he won EIGHTY FOUR races, including 63 Poles!  (Simmer down, Joseph Abboud…we’re talking about the 1st position on the track)   D.W and the I-man also discuss the documentary made about the 1979 Daytona 500…which, for myriad reasons,( not the least of which was driving in the rain causing a number of wrecks),  is considered one of the best races EVER.  In speaking of the race, Darrell, who came in second, refers to himself as ‘D.W.’,  causing the I-Man, whose concentration  and attention spans are equal to those of a fruit fly, to ask “Who took Second?”  “I did” comes the reply.  “Oh…well you confused The I-Man”, who, has now also referred to himself in the third person, thereby confusing D.W., who wants to know what Alan Iverson was doing watching the 1979 Daytona 500.

    “HEY, WHERE DID GRANDMA GO?  ANYBODY SEEN GRAN…OH MY GOD!  HOLY JESUS!  GRANDMA!  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THE TRACK?  OOPS.  FALSE ALARM.  IT WAS ONLY DANICA PATRICK”

    8:55:50 a.m.  -  Gunz’s hair choices are discussed…as we discover some interesting information…not only does Mr. Gunzelman have about 700 dollars worth of hair products at the studio with him at all times, but he also uses a ‘Straightening Iron.’  A frightening concept, especially when you realize that he INTENTIONALLY makes his hair look like that. Apparently, that’s the goal he’s looking for.  We wonder which styles he turned down?  Which ‘Dos, DIDN’T make the cut?

     

    THE HAIRSTYLES GUNZ DECIDED NOT TO GO WITH THIS MORNING

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    You Can’t Have a NASCAR Legend Like Darrell Waltrip On Without

    A Tribute To The Greatest Driver There Ever Was

    Ricky Bobby

      

    Shake n’ Bake

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riBA-FsJJmY 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuAUI_0knfk