6:06:12 A.M. – Bernard hosts this morning, and introduces the program is ‘Sans The I-Man’. A term, with which, Gunz is NOT acquainted. Not much of a vocabulary there on that boy. He thinks it means that Imus is ‘At the Beach’. Um…it’s not ‘Sands’, you moron. It’s ‘Sans’, the French word for ‘Without’. As in… ‘Gunz is SANS a clue’. Or, more fittingly ‘SANS a woman.’
MONSIEUR GUNZLEMAN N'A JAMAIS EU DES RELATIONS SEXUELLES AVEC UN AUTRE. AUTRE QUE LUI-MÊME !
(COPY AND PASTE INTO YOUR FAVORITE FRENCH/ENGLISH TRANSLATOR)
6:17:44 A.M. – Warner reports that the Mets ‘Blew a 7-1 lead against the Padres.’ Frankly, the words ‘Blew’ and ‘Padre’ in the same sentence make us a little uncomfortable. No disrespect to Father Jonathan.
“EVEN JESUS THINKS THE METS SUCK…”
6:25:27 A.M. – Bernie breaks out the horns. And, we don’t mean he’s a Satanist…he’s playing the always annoying Vuvuzela to welcome the weekend. Now we know why most people in this country hate soccer.
NOT THIS KIND OF HORNS…
THIS KIND OF HORN
“SHOUT OUT TO BILL EVANS…I SEE YOU BILL!”
6:45: 09 A.M. – Phoning in from the State Capitol, Fred Dicker, New York Post columnist and radio ‘personality’…yes, we use the word ‘personality’ somewhat facetiously, as he’s on Talk 1300 AM in Albany from 10 -11 A.M. Which, in the world of Radio Gigs, is like being the clown who follows the Elephant with the bucket and shovel.
GIVEN THE CHOICE…WHICH WOULD YOU PICK?
“IT’S A DIRTY JOB, BUT… AT LEAST I HAVE MORE PRIDE THAN DE BLASIO”
6:47: 18 A.M. – Bernard asks Fred what he thinks of the ‘Homeless Situation’ here in the city, and Mr. Dicker compares it to the ‘Days of Dinkins.’ Where the Homeless Roamed like Buffalo on the Prairie….where, sometimes, the ground would tremble with the sounds of hundreds of thousands of feet stampeding towards the Methadone Clinic.
“I…LOVE A PARADE…”
7:15:37 A.M. – For some reason, which, we must have immediately put out of our minds like a ‘Hidden Memory’ of an abused Altar Boy, the phrase ‘Warner has needs.’ Is uttered by Bernie. Although we can’t bring ourselves to conjure that particular image…we assume that half a tuna sandwich is somewhere in the picture.
7:30:06 A.M. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE, or, as we like to call it OH, SHUT UP, RIEDEL Deirdre’s upset with Jennifer Beals, who while filming in Vancouver, left her dog locked in her car.
* CANINE – ENGLISH TRANSLATION:
“HEY. FLASHDANCE. LEMME ASK YOU SOMETHING, BITCH…
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR YOU TO CRACK A F#CKING WINDOW?”
WELL, AT LEAST MS. BEALS WILL BE COOL
7:44:16 A.M. – Riedel predicts the upcoming James Bond film will be the BIGGEST ever, despite the fact that Daniel Craig doesn’t wear a tuxedo as well as Roger Moore. Roger Moore. ROGER F%$&ING MOORE! He’s like the ADAM WEST of James Bonds. Which, if were the case, ‘Catwoman’ would technically be ‘Pussy Galore’
“THE NAME’S WAYNE…BRUCE…WAYNE.”
7:45:16 A.M. – Imogen defends British Actress Cara Delevingne who, accused for being difficult during an insipid interview on some Sacramento Morning Show to promote her new film ‘Paper Town’, was merely being ‘sarcastic.’ The interviewer obviously didn’t ‘get’ the Sarcasm, which, according to Imogen, is the purview of the British…and Delevingne employed it reacting to the host of the program calling her ‘Carla’ instead of her actual name, ‘Cara’. Imogen also comments on the disappointing ratings for the Premiere Episode of Caitlyn Jenner’s Reality Series.. Um…let’s just say it’s not just the ratings that are ‘soft’.
“NO…NO, NO, NO….HELL NO. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE ON…”
8:07:34 A.M. – Bernie makes the observation that the attacks leveled against Trump have not stuck to him…thereby making him the next ‘Teflon Don’, like John Gotti.
HOPEFULLY, WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THE WORDS ‘YOU WON’T HAVE DONALD TRUMP TO KICK AROUND ANY MORE.’
8:15:11 A.M. – Looks like Warner has gotten the keys to the Production Studio again this morning…he’s been like Casey Kasem…playing his Song Snippets as actualities during the Sports Reports. Unfortunately, they’re all hits from when he was a Young, Sportscasting Upstart. In other words, they’re Gregorian Chants.
“C’MON, FELLAS…LET’S DO ‘CANTUS SAINT GREGORII’!
AND THIS TIME, BROTHER PAUL, LET’S PICK UP THE TEMPO…”
8:39:43 A.M. – Michael Goodwin, New York Post Columnist and Fox News Contributor discusses ‘Mayor Putz’ as he’s dubbed DeBlasio…who, Bernard calls ‘Bolshevik Bill’…and his feud with Governor Andrew Cuomo. The Mayor, noticeably absent from the Press Conference announcing the Multi - Billion Dollar LaGuardia Airport Re-Building Project...a curious and bemusing act by ‘Big Bird’, (As Bo Dietl calls him) as the Airport, as it is, after all, named after a NYC Mayor. His excuse: He doesn’t go to events to which he’s not invited…which means he won’t be in the audience at the next Bill O’Reilly show taping either. Mr. Goodwin maintains that the mayor lacks the ‘Grit’ to sit down and take care of the homeless problem. We assume he expects DeBlasio to stand by the Fountain in Columbus Circle, handing out towels, combs and breath spray.
“WOULD YOU LIKE SOME GUM, SIR?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WOULD BE A BETTER JAMES BOND
THAN ROGER MOORE…