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    Wednesday
    Oct012014

    Too Soon?

    6:05:10 a.m. – Martha MacCallum is already here, in the Green Room, preparing for her appearance in the first quarter of today’s program.  We’re tellin’ you right now, that’s a fine lookin’ woman.  Between her, and Deirdre and Lis…we are in  Blonde Heaven.  Although, we’re not sure Martha’s doesn’t come out of a bottle.  Something tells us her hair is more like Dagen’s.  (Another fine lookin’ woman, but Brunette Day is tomorrow)

    MARTHA MACCALLUM, SHE’S GOT DARKER ROOTS THAN ALEX HALEY

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus says that Deirdre watches the news, and tells him all the scary stories in the headlines just before he goes to bed, which causes him to have nightmares.  He wakes up at 3 A.M. thinking people are chasing him down the hall.  Which he should automatically sense is a dream…he couldn’t even walk briskly down a hallway without stopping to catch his breath, cough and take an oxygen hit.  Of course, that would probably stave off any impending scary monster attack…even the Boogey Man would feel sorry and offer the I-Man a glass of water.

    “I KNOW YOU’RE THERE…I CAN HEAR YOU WHEEZING…DUDE…ARE YOU OKAY?”

    6:12:16 a.m. –  Imus is ready to ‘Go to the Mattresses’ with the property lines on his Ranch in Texas.  His neighbors have their cows on his land…and he wants the Heifers off of it.  Now.  They claim ignorance, unsure as to what the borders are  …so the Boss pays to find out…and discovers he has another 400 acres he didn’t initially have.  Some people find lost socks underneath their couches…the I-Man finds huge chunks of real estate.  At the approximate price of land per acre in Brenham, that’s somewhere around SIX Muh Muh Muh MILLION DOLLARS worth of property.  That’s a lot of Muthaf*kkin’ change in the sofa, son.

    ONE OF THE EASY CHAIRS AT THE I-RANCH IN TEXAS

    6:16:32 a.m. – Dagen reports that there are now panties available made with caffeine, ostensibly to help you lose weight. They’re called ‘iPants’.  Of course, you could spill a cup of coffee In your lap and it would pretty much do the same thing…which is nothing, as Dagen says the iPants don’t work.   The iPants we’re familiar with usually have urine in them.  We’re not sure they help you lose weight…although the  the I-Man IS awfully thin…

    THESE MAY NOT HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT…BUT THEY SURE WILL KEEP YOU FROM GETTING LAID

    6:46:03 a.m. – Martha MacCallum is on to discuss the new case of Ebola in the U.S.  Oh, great.   Another disease the I-Man can fear he’s got.  It’s an insidious illness…as you can mistake the symptoms for something else: Headache, Diarrhea, Vomiting.  All of which you can experience while watching ‘Morning Joe’.   The first case of Ebola in the United States is now in Texas.  The Boss has been to The Lone Star quite frequently of late… and he was complaining that he didn’t feel well…

    TRUST US, YOU’D RATHER GET EBOLA

    7:18:42 a.m. –  Turns out you need to have contact with the bodily fluids of someone infected with Ebola in order to contract the disease...  

    …SO IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY LIKE THIS, DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HIM

    7:19:10 a.m. – Back in the Green Room, Deirdre is overwhelmed by the emergence of Ebola in the nation.   She really doesn’t have anything to worry about.  If the I-Man had the disease, she would only get it if she had contact with any of his bodily flu… oh.  We see her point. Waking up to wet bed sheets would technically qualify as having contact with bodily fluids.

    DEIRDRE TAKES PREVENTATIVE MEASURES AGAINST EBOLA. 

    GO ON THE PAPER, I-MAN

    7:47:24 a.m. –  One of the B on B topics is about the ‘Yes Means Yes’ policy on College Campuses in California, that says that silence or lack of resistance, does NOT imply consent.  And that consent can be withdrawn at any time.  In other words, if your partner says nothing that is NOT considered a Green Light.   So FYI all you Necrophiliacs out there.

    "WELL…SHE DIDN’T SAY ‘NO’…”

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man’s disgust with the Secret Service continues…he still is incredulous that someone was able to get into the White House so easily.  He says that the security here at Fox is better than that at the President’s residence.  We screen all the creepy people here…supposedly.  Yet, somehow, Frank Luntz and John Stossel still get through.

    WOULD YOU LET EITHER OF THESE GUYS ANYWHERE NEAR YOU?  THERE COULD AN  I.E.D. HIDDEN UNDER LUNTZ’S RUG, AND STOSSEL’S PORN ‘STACHE

     

    AND, DIGRESSING LIKE A COLLIE WHO, IN THE MIDDLE OF A WALK, STOPS TO LICK HIMSELF AND DISCOVERS, TO HIS HORROR, THAT HE’S BEEN NEUTERED,      IS IT US, OR DOES STOSSEL LOOK A LOT LIKE CROSS BETWEEN HARRY REEMS AND  ‘YANNI’ WITH A BAD HAIRCUT?

    8:18:16 a.m. –  Warner’s Sports Report includes the news that the Kansas City Royals, who won their first playoff game since 1985, last night against the Oakland A’s.  He plays a clip from A’s starting pitcher Jon Lester, who, despite their loss, has a lot of respect for his team mates: “They put their balls on the line every night.” He says.  Warner adds… “Better known as Testicles.”   Which, by Mr. Wolf’s logic, would make a ‘Full Count’ be  two strikes and three testicles.  Or, for that matter, ‘Two Strikes and an Imus’, who, as you know, possesses ‘Tres Huevos’…like he doesn’t already have a  hard enough time walking… Anyway, we’re not so sure we’d want to put our balls on the line.  Especially when there are guys on the field wearing spiked shoes.

    THE A’S.  PUTTING THEIR BALLS ON THE LINE

     A SQUIRREL.  PUTTING HIS ‘NUTS’ ON THE LINE

    8:38:16 a.m. –  Captain Mark Kelly talks Gun Control with the I-Man, who admits that he owns a number of guns, which, if that’s not a prime example of why we need more stringent background checks, we don’t know what is.  He freaks out when his coffee gets cold.  Imus with a carry permit and he gets an eyelash in his eye…things could get ugly.  Astronaut Kelly then tells us that his brother will go on a mission to the International Space Station where he will stay for a year…but, sadly, he will get up there on a Russian Rocket, such is the current state of the U.S.A.’s program.  Pretty degrading for a man whose people landed on the moon, has to stand outside the launch pad with his thumb out, trying to hitch a ride from the Russkies. 

    “DUDE…INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION?  CAN I AT LEAST GO WITH YOU AS FAR AS BARSTOW?”

    8:42:10 a.m. –  The information about Captain Kelly’s brother spending 12 months up in the International Space Station sinks in…and gives us Claustrophobic Anxiety Attacks.  Just sitting in the middle seat on an airplane makes us hyperventilate. We can’t imagine being cooped up for a year with a bunch of Borscht eating, vodka swilling, overly gassy Russians.

    “GREAT, WE’RE OUT OF ORBIT AGAIN…HEY SERGEI,  ‘FESS UP.  DID YOU JUST CUT A ‘TANG’ FART?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ‘Too soon’?  Not Exactly.   This commercial is 13 years old.

     

    Who Says Ebola Isn’t Funny?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHa-AvLk4no

     

    Tuesday
    Sep302014

    The I-Credo

    6:05:10 a.m. – The show has a somewhat bumpy start, with Bernard not in position at the opening, one of many things that will serve only to irritate the I-Man further than he currently is.   Coming up is Hannah Storm, whose presence, we hope, despite her ironic last name, will help to calm the seas.

    “PEACE!  BE STILL!”

    6:08:16 a.m. – As new details emerge regarding the White House Fence Jumper, the Boss asks the question:  “Who do they have protecting the President?  Connell McShane?”  He’s not asking Connell a rhetorical question, he is actually suggesting that Connell is as good at security as the Secret Service. 

    MCSHANE…CONNELL MCSHANE.  AGENT 00-‘NOT-CHARLES’

    6:40:08 a.m. – Hannah Storm comes on and talks about Sideline Reporting, and reveals that she filled in for O.J. the year he became…too busy…because he was defending himself in a double-homicide case.  She says it was the worst professional experience she’s ever had.  But the interview has just started, so she may want to re-assess.

    “HEY, O.J….ARE YOU HEADED BACK TO BRENTWOOD?  CAN I CATCH A RIDE?  NO?  OKAY, WELL GIVE MY BEST TO NICOLE.”

    6:46:03 a.m. – The Boss has a hard time getting Hannah to stop her story about her tenure as a Sideline Reporter.  He wants to move onto another topic, but she plows on…not unlike Carl ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers.   She doesn’t realize that she could continue speaking for as long as she would like, provided she said the word ‘Imus’ every 12 seconds or so.

    GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF A SUCCESSFUL I-MAN FILLIBUSTER. AS WELL AS WHAT AN ANDY WARHOL PAINTING OF IMUS WOULD LOOK LIKE

    7:05:28 a.m. – Imus says that he was going to bitch about something, but can’t remember what it was.  Ohhhh, don’t worry, Boss.  You’ll think of something.  You always do.  That’s something we can count on. 

    THE I-CREDO

    7:14:28 a.m. –  Imus says that he went to the Eye Doctor, Dr. Levine, to check to see if he has any eyelashes that need to be removed.   Apparently, there were none, and Levine chose not to attack that field of winter wheat on the Boss’ forehead that he calls eyebrows.  But the Doc did take a selfie.

    THE I-MAN AND HIS EYE-DOCTOR. (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    ACCORDING TO DEIRDRE, THE REAL DOCTOR LEVINE IS ACTUALLY YOUNG…AND HUNKY…WHICH CLEARS UP THE MYSTERY AS TO WHY SHE FELT THE NEED TO TAKE HER SHIRT OFF AT AN EYE-DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT

    7:18:36 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Wal-Mart is suggesting that Tracy Morgan is partly to blame for the accident on the Jersey Turnpike which caused the death of one of his good friends.  They claim that Morgan wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.  In a related story, the Vatican says that the Artisan who sold the Romans the wood for the cross, was partly responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus.

    THE 1ST ANNUAL JESUS GOLF OUTING HAD A CONTROVERSIAL SPONSOR FOR THE DINNER

    7:32:10 a.m. –  HOLLYWOOD & VINE  - After an unusual start, where the panel argued about the Netanyahu Speech, they segue into the AC/DC tour.  Riedel, surprisingly says that he’s not a fan of ‘AC/DC’.  We will let you write your own joke to that one.  He then admits that he prefers…wait for it…AIR SUPPLY.  F*CKING AIR F*CKING SUPPLY!  ‘LOST IN LOVE’ AIR SUPPLY.  Well, what would you expect from a guy who prefers ROGER MOORE to SEAN CONNERY?  Although, to be fair, the I-Man is also a fan of Air Supply.  Just not the band.  The one that comes out of a tank.

    AIR SUPPLY…USING THEIR AIR SUPPLY

    7:44:32 a.m. –  Riedel accuses the Boss of having a ‘Double Standard’, chastising Lupica for appearing on ‘Morning Joe’, when upcoming guest, The REAL Butcher of Broadway, Frank Rich, appears on MSNBC all the time.  “Call the Associated Press…” the I-Man says, “Breaking news, Imus has a double standard.”

    A TYPICAL DOUBLE STANDARD

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Nat is finally doing well as the Sideline Reporter.   You’re welcome.

    “SO…WE NO LONGER HAVE TO STAY IN SIBERIA?”

    “DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF.  WE STILL SUCK.”

    8:09:16 a.m. –   Imus had the misfortune, yesterday, of watching Mike Francesa’s program on Fox Sports 1.  It’s.  Just.  Awful.  “It’s like watching Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now…in the cave…” 

    "THE HORROR…THE HORROR…”

    8:19:38 a.m. –   Warner says that he’s rooting for the Oakland A’s in the Wildcard Game tonight, instead of the Kansas City Royals, even though they haven’t been in the playoffs since 1985.  Imus says that he likes the City of Kansas City.  And then lists some of the cities he hates: Aspen, Telluride, and, of course, Santa Fe.  Wait a minute.  Did you mean Kansas City Kansas?  Or Kansas City Missouri? 

    “TOTO, I HAVE A FEELING WE’RE NOT IN KANSAS CITY KANSAS ANYMORE.  I THINK THIS MUST BE MISSOURI.  LOOK AT ALL THE MIDGETS.”

    8:35:14 a.m. –  A REAL Theater Figure, Frank Rich, is on to discuss a myriad of topics, not the least of which is the recent White House Intrusion.  Rich points out that on his successful HBO show ‘Veep’, they created a set of the East Wing…the real version of which, the trespasser ran through.  Rich said it was harder to get on the Veep set than it was to get into the actual White House…which is true.  First, you need an agent…then you have to audition…hopefully, you get a callback, then get cast…unless you just go as a SAG extra, in which case, you wait around a lot just to stand in the background.  At the White House, all you need to do is hop a fence and get around the Secret Service.

    AN OVERZEALOUS ACTOR ON THE SET OF ‘VEEP’, GETTING TOO DEEP INTO CHARACTER:   “UM…LINE?”

    8:46:00 a.m. – Frank also talks about Bibi Netanyahu’s U.N. Speech yesterday.  He wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as the I-Man about Bibi’s performance.  But then again, he probably panned ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’

    “IF I WAS FRANK RICH, MAN…. YAIDLE YAIDLE YIDDLE DAIDLE DAIDLE DAIDLE DEEDLE DUM…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE SIDELINE REPORT THE I-MAN CAME UP WITH

    IS AN EXAMPLE OF A GOOD IDEA.

    HERE’S AN EXAMPLE OF…A BAD IDEA

     

    “Homemade Fireworks”

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=717vb7kLKKk 

     

    Monday
    Sep292014

    Imus in the Morning Sideline Reporters

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man states that “This is what my life has degenerated to:  Over at the New Yorker, they are going with more provocative covers.”  This week’s features a cartoon of a football player being chased by the police.  Wow.  “Really cutting edge.” says Imus, in a wonderful mélange of irony and sarcasm.  Two things, by the way, that were sadly missing from the New Yorker Cover.

    NOW THIS IS A CONTROVERSIAL COVER

    6:12:4 a.m. – “Big & Rich sound a lot better together than the Florida Georgia Line people.” The Boss observes, adding that Dagen has revealed that the dudes from FGL have…bressesses.   Man-Boobs.  These are not the terms that Dagen used, rather , she employed the slang contained in the phrase ‘Titty Bar’. 

    BRIAN AND TYLER RECENTLY AT THE CMA AWARDS.  NICE RACKS, FELLAS.

    6:18:36 a.m. – During Warner’s Sports Report, he relays the information that New York Jets Quarterback Geno Smith was booed by the fans in the game against Detroit yesterday.  Apparently, on the way out of the stadium, the camera caught Geno saying ‘F*ck You’ to the crowd.  “Why wouldn’t he?” the I-Man answers.  “They were saying icky stuff and rooting for a dog murderer.”   We have a hard time with this story, as most of the Jets fans were already long gone before Geno left the stadium.  Maybe he was saying ‘F*ck You’ to the Hot Dog Vendor,Because he was one of the only people still left in the stands.

    GENO, CURSING THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T SITTING IN THE EMPTY SEATS 

    6:42:03 a.m. – Bo is back, railing about cops being unable to do ‘Stop and Frisk’ in the Subways.  “They’re putting handcuffs on the cops.  Let our Police Officers do their jobs.  Otherwise, the Abba Dabba Dos will blow up the city.”  Bo neglects to say that the ban on the S&Fs is really his fault, due to his getting a little ‘Handy’ at a cocktail party, feeling up some of the debutantes at the Policeman’s Ball.    The I-Man makes fun of Bo’s pink tie, which Bo says, is synanonymous, (Which, we think, means “Anonymously Synonymously Symbolizes” in Bo-Ese.)   He says it represents solidarity with the Gays and Lesbianics. 

    BO IN PINK, PARTYING AT THE POST PRIDE PARADE PARTY

    7:05:28 a.m. –  The Boss comes up with an idea:  An Imus in the Morning Sideline Report, and nominates Carley Shimkus and Nat Candido to be the Alex Flanagan and Tony Siragusa of the Program.  Carley isn’t here, so Nat will be making his debut at 8 A.M, which will be ‘Half Time’ on the Imus in the Morning Program.  We’re not sure who will be performing at the ‘Half Time Show’.  We just hope it’s not Guns n’ Roses.

    NAT.  HE’S NOT CARLEY, BUT…

    THEN AGAIN, WHO IS?

    7:38:10 a.m. –  IT MIGHT BE ELVIS   Picked by the I-Man and the Wy-Man.  I-Man picks Grand Funk Railroad’s ‘Bad Time’, which is, indeed, a ‘Bad Time’ for the panel.  Jesus.  Bring us the head of Mark Farner.  Then there’s a Big n’ Rich tune, which the panel unanimously passes to go on into the Power Rotation, not because they were just here, mind you, but…okay, it’s really because they were just here…and they’re back together, and neither Big Kenny nor John Rich have Man Boobs.   Then Wyatt’s picks come into play.  Wait for it…wait for it…GUNS N’ ROSES!  Wow, you must be psychic!   Couldn’t see that one coming.  We think we have to stage a Musical Intervention at the Imus Compound.  We have to play some music that was recorded in the past 10 years.  Or at least play Wyatt a couple of Beatles Tunes so he can tell the difference between a good song, and a song that sucks.

    GROUP A

    GROUP B

    OK, WYATT.  ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER.

    8:05:32 a.m. –  It’s ‘Half Time’ here at the Imus in the Morning Program, and time for Nat Candido, our sideline reporter, to give us some stats, interview Dagen, and generally sum up the show so far.  Off air, the I-Man has said it’s okay for Nat to suck.  A statement that, obviously, Nat takes quite literally.  The interview with Dagen was a lot like Agent Clarice Starling interviewing Hannibal Lecter.  Although not quite as friendly.  

    DAGEN:  NOT ALL THAT APPROACHABLE

    8:16:16 a.m. –  Imus says that he finished reading O’Reilly’s Killing Patton, and reveals one of the historical tidbits that Bill included: Apparently, Hitler liked to use the excuse to ‘Walk his Dog’, because he had gas.  Not the dog, mind you, but Der Führer.  We find it a tad ironic that he would leave the bunker, so that nobody would smell ‘Gas’.   Maybe he should’ve laid off the Weiner schnitzel. 

     Das Führerfarten Mit Seinen Hund: 

    “Es ist mir egal, wie viele Leber behandelt sie haben, ich bin nicht deine Finger.”  “I DON’T CARE HOW MANY LIVER SNAPS YOU HAVE, I’M NOT PULLING YOUR FINGER”

    8:19:38 a.m. – Connell reads a heartbreaking story about a group of Japanese Hikers who were scaling a volcano when it erupted.  The I-Man shares a story that he thinks is related, about Gus the Polar Bear in Central Park. We know you are wondering, as initially we were, “What the F*CK a Motherf*cking Polar Bear has to do with Japanese Hikers dying in a volcanic eruption?” but…stay with us here.  Apparently, Gus the Polar Bear, as all Polar Bears in ANY zoo, was not happy being confined to the little pool that the zoo provided that he had to swim in to stay cool and relieve his boredom.  One day, some kid jumped into Gus’ enclosure, and, well, as Polar Bears are wont to do, Gus ATE the stupid bastard.  Moral to the story, never go hiking with a Polar Bear.  Especially on a volcano.

    IS ANYBODY ELSE HOT?  OR IS IT JUST ME?

    8:25:14 a.m. – Nat provides another Sideline Report:  Apparently, the I-Man drinks anywhere between 2 to 6 Starbucks’ Black Eyes, Coffee with a shot of espresso.  More than half of them go cold, 2 of the 3 that do are left not drunk because of the excess urine.

    IF YOU WERE TO LINE UP ALL THE COLD, UN-CONSUMED ‘BLACK EYES’ THAT THE I-MAN HAS ORDERED OVER THE PAST YEAR, IT WOULD STRETCH FROM HERE TO COLUMBIA, WHERE HE COULD HAVE USED THE MONEY SPENT ON THE COFFEE TO PROVIDE FOOD AND SHELTER FOR AN ENTIRE VILLAGE, WHICH IS   NOT UNLIKE WHAT HE USED TO WHAT HE ACTUALLY CONSUMED BACK IN THE 70’S, WITH A DIFFERENT KIND OF ‘PICK ME UP’.

    8:27:54 a.m. -  The Boss reveals his disdain at Mike Lupica, who went on ‘Morning Joe’ to promote his stupid Kids’ Sports Novel.  Like a lot of Kids are watching Morning Joe.  Well, maybe some of the boys, if only to touch themselves while looking at Mika Brzezinski…at least the ones who like much much much older women. 

    “YOU’RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS, JESUS.”

    “WHAT, JUDAS, MY FRIEND?”

    “MIKE LUPICA WENT ON MORNING JOE.  SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO LOYALTY”

    “TRUE THAT, JUDAS.  TRUE THAT.  WORD TO YOUR MOTHER.”

    8:30:00 a.m. – Dagen said that she was uncomfortable talking to Nat during the Sideline Segment, because the camera zoomed in on her legs, and she had not shaved them this morning.  Something which the hirsute Nat did not even notice.

    GOOD THING THE CAMERA DIDN’T ZOOM IN ON THIS.  LOOKS LIKE DAGEN NEEDS TO MAKE HER OWN ‘PIT STOP’

    8:40:08 a.m. – I-Fave Juan (No NPR) Williams is on to discuss a myriad of topics, the most pressing, it seems, the reunion of Fleetwood Mac. Juan says that he had heard that they were back together although he hadn’t yet seen them perform. Apparently Mr. Williams has been going to nothing but “old Rockers” concerts including, Rod Stewart, Santana, and Lionel Richie. What? No Grand Funk Railroad?  

    ‘FLEETWILL MACWOOD’

     

     VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    Rare Footage of Adolph Hitler’s deep hatred of Starbucks, as as well as an example of his aforementioned horrible case of  Führer Flatulence.

     

    (If you close your eyes, he sounds EXACTLY  LIKE a certain ‘Great One’)

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwObeQBGBb8 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYSMm0Oj5HU 

     

    Comments from the I-Man: The blog is fine, but it's TWO shots of espresso!

    Friday
    Sep262014

    DJ's Farewell Tour

    6:05:10 a.m. – Derek Jeter’s farewell tour lasted longer than Cher’s.  After what seemed like years, he FINALLY played his last game last night.  He had a pretty amazing send-off, jumping on a first-pitch fastball hit a grounder into right field to score the winning run.  Good for you, Cap.  Now get out.    

    DEREK JETER.  HE LOOKS OLDER THAN YOU’D THINK.  GOOD THING HE’S RETIRING

    6:08:16 a.m. – The I-Man is, as we all are, excited about the return of Big n’ Rich, who are back together after some time apart  Imus says the Public actually gets pissed off when their favorite bands split up.  We’re not sure what the reason was behind the breakup, but we suspect that Yoko had something to do with it.

    IT’S CLEAR WHO’S AT FAULT.  NOTICE HOW BIG KENNY COPIED HER HAT.      IT USED TO BE A COWBOY HAT.  THAT’S HOW IT STARTS…

    6:18:08 a.m. – Warner reports that Mets’ Rehab-ing Starting Ace, Matt Harvey, went to Yankee Stadium to see Jeter’s final game as opposed to going on the road for the Mets Double Header in Washington.  Superfan Nat Candido, is inconsolable, and begins destroying all his Matt Harvey memorabilia.  Stomped on his hat, ripped up his baseball card, and took off his number 33 boxer shorts.  We wish he hadn’t done that. Especially on the commuter bus on the way to work.

    IN AN ANGRY RESPONSE, HARVEY TAKES OFF HIS CANDIDO BOXER SHORTS

    6:27:08 a.m. – Big & Rich do one of their classics:  ‘Wild West Show’ off their ‘Horse of a Different Color’ album.  Not yet 7 a.m. and the MuzikMafia is rocking the house.  Of course, they haven’t been to sleep yet, and so they’re all fresh as daisies.  Very very energetic daisies.  With pupils the size of a 5 pt.Times font period.

    AS KINKY FRIEDMAN WOULD SAY ‘WIRED AND INSPIRED’

    6:40:03 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is on, and the I-Man has good news for her.  Al Sharpton is now advising President Obama.  In a related story, Coolio has begun advising John Kerry.  The Secretary of State will be living in a ‘Gangsta Paradise’.

    SECRETARY OF THE STATE KERRY.  HE WENT A LITTLE CRAZY WITH THE SPRAY TAN THIS TIME.

    7:05:10 a.m. – Connell says the threat against the subway system in New York is not a credible one.  We’re not so sure.  We’ve seen some big-ass radiated Rats.

    “I SAID, GIMME SOME CHEESE, BITCH!”

    6:47:28 a.m. – The I-Man asks Laura if any of her kids ever dropped food on themselves...because he’s just dropped yogurt on himself.   And so it begins.  Stuff falling out of his mouth.  First it’s yogurt.  Then it’s oatmeal.  Then it’s his teeth. Then…the feeding tube.  Although, if he had a feeding tube, he wouldn’t have to worry about dropping food on himself.  The future is bright.

    IT’S HARD TO GET THE KALE THROUGH THE FUNNEL

    7:11:28 a.m. – Brian Wilson is back here in the Green Room with Big n’ Rich, who, because he’s somewhat confused, he thinks are Robin Zander and Rick Nielsen.  They sing a verse of ‘I Want You To Want Me’ together.  We don’t have the heart to tell them that they’re not Cheap Trick.  We also don’t have the heart to tell Big n’ Rich that he’s not Brian Wilson.

    “RICH TRICK”  JOHN IS ALRIGHT, DON IS ALRIGHT, KENNY’S ALRIGHT,

    BRIAN “JUST SEEMS A LITTLE WEIRD.

    7:12:24 a.m. –  Dagen reports that people fallen for an internet hoax that maintains with Apple’s new iOS 8, they can charge their iPhones wirelessly, by putting them in the microwave. 

    AFTER YOU DO THIS, YOUR iPHONE 6 GETS REALLY BENDY

    7:18:36 a.m. –  Warner says “If it was a movie you wouldn’t believe it.”  “Warner, if it was a movie, you would know it was a movie.”  Words of wisdom, I-Man, we’ll write that one down. Warner would definitely know it was a movie because he’d be sitting in the roomy handicapped seats with half a tuna sandwich in a brown paper bag.

    HE GETS THERE AN HOUR AND A HALF EARLY SO HE GETS A GOOD SEAT

    7:29:10 a.m. –  Big & Rich perform their song “8th of November”.  At first, the I-Man thinks he’s going to have to wait almost a month and a half to hear it.  No, that’s the name of the song, Boss. 

    BIG & RICH WHEN THEY GET SERIOUS.   NOT JUST FRIVOLOUS PARTY BOYS.  THEY LIKE TO ROCK, BUT THEY’RE, LIKE THE PUNCHLINE TO THE OLD JOKE:  ‘DEEP TOO’.

    7:41:24 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS  One of the topics is ‘Which Sports Mascot would you have sex with?’   Tony says definitely Mrs. Met.  “I’d tear that up, bang that big round head against the headboard…” 

    “HEY, BABY.  WANNA BALL?”

    7:54:08a.m. – The I-Man comes back here to No-Man’s land, in the Green Room, to ‘Hang Out’.  He notices that Nat is still sweating like Larry the Cable Guy at a Titty Bar.  He tells Nat to “Stop Sweating”.   Nat tries his hardest, but the effort only makes him sweat more.  He’s like an Automatic Lawn Sprinkler.

    NAT SWEATS SO MUCH HE NEEDS A LIFE JACKET

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Imus plays a clip of Phil Sims calling the game last night between the Giants and the Redskins, where made the statement that he would not use the word ‘Redskins’, but, as luck would have it, sometime late in the game, Johnny Winter Look Alike Sims slipped up and said the dreaded word.  Conversely, his broadcast partner Jim Nance, said it as many times as he could, using every opportunity available to invoke the word ‘Redskins’. Like he had a case of ‘Native American Tourette’s’  Like, “Hey, those French fries at the Snack Bar, are they made from REDSKIN potatoes?”  

    CHIEFS ‘WIND BLOWS THROUGH BUTTOCKS’  AND ‘SITTING BULLSH*T’

    8:25:50 – Big and Rich do ‘Look at You’, off their new album, Gravity.  Not be confused with the movie, and, by the way, not be confused with ‘Look at Me’, which is the Imus anthem.

    BIG & RICH ‘GRAVITY’

    8:38:14 a.m. –  B&R “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy”.  A song that changed country music.  And made more horses want to be cowboys.

    SAVE A COWBOY, RIDE A HORSE

    8:46:00 a.m. – Big and Rich play the title song from their new album.  Back in the Green Room, John says that they ‘Dug Deep’ for this record.  “Lovers make the world go round and round and round…that’s Beatles Stuff’.   We agree.  Just be careful of Yoko, guys.  We don’t want her breaking you up again.

    JOHN, YOKO, LAURA AND BIG KENNY

    DON’T BREAK UP THE BAND, NOW, GIRLS.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    MEL BROOKS AS A ‘REDSKIN’

    FROM ‘BLAZING SADDLES’


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAYt6dpCgOI 

     

    Thursday
    Sep252014

    Throwback Thursday

    6:05:10 a.m. – L’shona Tovah to all our Jewish Friends!  Of course, you should not be on any electronic devices today, as Rosh Hashanah started last night at sundown.  So if you’re reading this, you’re going to hell.  We know there is no ‘Hell’ in the Jewish faith, so we guess you’ll just intern for the I-Man.  The year is 5775.  Wow.  Where did the time go?  Seems like just yesterday it was 5774.  We know some of you will still be writing that on your checks until Yom Kippur.  Don’t forget to blow your Shofar.  Although, you can probably get away with just tipping him.

     PRAYING IN ISRAEL.  IT’S LIKE TALKING TO A WALL.

    6:08:16 a.m. – Nat is not here today.  The I-Man gave him 100 bucks yesterday to get him plugs to charge his iDevices, and hasn’t seen Stage Manager Candido since.  The Boss has hired a Skip Tracer to find Nat AND his money.  He doesn’t need to do that, because Nat is a man of great integrity when it comes to other people’s money.  We wouldn’t let him date your daughter if we were you, but he’s an honest man, a good egg.  However, should he come in tomorrow with a head full of wavy locks, made from the hair he had waxed off his back, you’ll know where the I-Man’s Benjamin went.

    NAT BEFORE ( L ) AND AFTER ( R )

    6:17:08 a.m. – Dagen reports that the new iPhone 6 bends when placed in a pocket.  And once it bends, it stays that way.  Kind of like President Clinton’s ‘Peyronie Peter’. She says it’s especially a problem with people who wear ‘Skinny Jeans’.  Gunz admits to being an aficionado of said jeans.  We didn’t think that any REAL man would ‘fess up to wearing ‘Skinny Jeans’.  Dagen pipes up.  “At least he doesn’t have a vagina.”   Sadly, this is true.  Gunz hasn’t ever since his girlfriend broke up with him last year.  He then adds “Maybe I have something else in there that’s 6 and a half inches.  Um…Gunz?  We don’t believe we would’ve told that.  (Paraphrasing the great Billy Sol Hargus Joke)  If Gunz placed his wiener on a map of the United States from East to West, he wouldn’t even reach New Jersey.  Of course, that’s only if it’s bent like his iPhone.

     

    6:46:03 a.m. – The ‘Bombastic Brit’, Stuart Varney,  is on this morning, and he’s all fired up about Obama, which is unusual for him.  (The preceding sentence is a great representative example of the word ‘Irony’, for those of you readers who are studying for the S.A.T.) Stuart’s time was cut short due to the I-Man going on about his iPhone6 Plus.  Thank you, I-Man.  If only you could provide the same service during Stuart’s program..  He continues to talk about his technological devices, and how each of them has the new O’Reilly book, KILLING PATTON, on it.   Stuart is THRILLED that Imus is talking about another Fox host, while he’s sitting there. (Another example of the word ‘Irony’)  Well, Stuart, maybe YOU should write a book: KILLING MYSELF.  We don’t know if it would be a Best-seller, but…WE’D buy it.  For ALL our devices AND the hardcover for our libraries.

    THIS WILL, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM, PUT STUART INTO A MUCH HIGHER TAX BRACKET

    6:47:28 a.m. – Stuart seems stunned by the length of Imus’ hair, and asks if he’s growing it deliberately.  No, you moron, he’s growing it ‘accidentally’.  Imus informs Stuart that he got a haircut last night.  Stuart says “Well, you didn’t get your money’s worth.”  Oh, snap.  Varney is making fun of the I-Man’s Cowboy Chic.    

    STUART SHOWING SOME OF HIS ‘BRITISH CHIC’.  AND HE’S DISSING THE I-MAN’S HAIR?

    7:17:28 a.m. – Gunz is in for Warner, who is off for Rosh Hashanah, and he reports on Derek Jeter’s farewell game at Yankee Stadium.  He has a neat little piece of trivia: Apparently, the late, great Yankee Announcer, Bob Shepherd, recorded himself announcing Derek, shortly before he passed away a couple of years ago.  The I-Man said, “97, wasn’t he?”  Gunz reply?  “No, it was just 3 or 4 years ago.”     It’s like the old joke where the corner man says to the downed fighter, ‘Stay down til 8!  Stay down til 8!’   Boxer gets counted out.  And then says “I looked up at the clock and it was only 7:30.”

    GUNZ:  THE ORIGINAL POSTER CHILD

    7:41:24 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING.   Gunz is still at Fox, as he has to do the Sports for Warner, and he has to finish eating his paste, so he’s not sitting at the console with the rest of the panel. He doesn’t pipe up at first, but when he finally weighs in on the threat of Muslims, Deirdre says, “Who is that?  Is that the voice of a munchkin?”  No.  We hate to correct you, Deirdre, but a munchkin has a much deeper voice than Gunz.

    GUNZ ON THE MONITOR IN THE STUDIO.  IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE’S REALLY THERE.  EXCEPT WITHOUT THE DANDRUFF FLAKES FROM THE HAIR GEL.  AND, OF COURSE,  THE DROOLING.

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man promotes the upcoming appearance of Neil Cavuto, and he’s very excited that Mr. Cavuto will actually be on the program.  We too, are looking forward to it, as though it was Ali/Frazier, Billy Jean King/Bobby Riggs,  Rodney King / The Police.    As you know, Mr. Cavuto stopped in last week for a cameo, but refused to be put on the air.  We assume it was deliberate, so as not to dilute today’s segment.  ‘Leave it in the Dressing Room’ as it’s called in Show Business. 

    “I WILL HIT HIM SO HARD, HE’LL FEEL IT ALL THE WAY UP TO HIS THYMUS.       I’M COMIN’ FOR YOU, TO BEAT YOUR ASS, IMUS!”

    8:18:16 a.m. –  Gunz opens his sports report.  “Broadcasting from the NJ Diet dot com studios, something that Cavuto could use…”  This kid is living proof that the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons, Electrons…and Morons.

    GUNZ.  CHOOSING D ACTUALLY WASN’T THE DUMBEST THING HE’S EVER DONE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The I-Man comes back from break as the Right Reverend Billy Sol Hargus.  It’s a blast from the past. Brilliant, funny, and what originally put him on the map.  He’s actually been doing the character all morning, but this time he does a bit as Hargus from his old Stand Up Comedy Act.  The punchline is “I don’t think I would’ve told that one.”  Great joke.  But it was a loooooong time getting to it.  If it were either of us, he would’ve said, “You already set it up, repeating it four times is tedious.”  But we’re not ones to judge. 

    HE DON’T CARE IF IT RAINS OR FREEZES.  A CLASSIC IS A CLASSIC

    8:44:08 a.m. – Imus tells Cavuto that he likes our new TV Boss Bill Shine, because, unlike our former TV Boss, Ol’  ‘Bug Up His Butt’ Kevin Magee,  Bill allows him to say ‘Titty Bar’ on the air.  Which he promptly does, in front of Neil.  This causes Neil to ask the question:  “How stupid can you be?”  We assume it’s a rhetorical question, because there’s no way anybody would have an answer for that.

    KEVIN MAGEE. HE’LL GO TO ONE, HE JUST WON’T LET YOU SAY WHERE HE WAS ON THE AIR

     8:46:12 a.m. – The interview goes downhill from there.  It leads to this final uncomfortable exchange:  Imus throws a curveball at Cavuto, asking if he ever did drugs.  Cavuto indicates that he will not fall for this trap, but says that the drugs he’s on now are WAY better than those the I-Man did in the 70’s and 80’s.  This leads the Boss to ask if he’s got any on him.  Cavuto responds that he’d be happy to stick a syringe in his eye.  BOOM!   Down…goes…Imus.

    “YOU MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE PRICK.”  UM…THERE’S NOTHING LITTLE ABOUT THAT PRICK, CAVUTO.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    It’s ‘Throwback Thursday’; to celebrate the return of God’s Other Son,

    We offer this tutorial on how to play His theme song on The ClawHammer Banjo

      

    YOU, TOO, CAN PLAY JUST LIKE PAUL NEWMAN IN ‘COOL HAND LUKE’ YOU’LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO ‘ONE SACRED CHICKEN TO GO’ TO GET THE IMUS VERSION OF THE LYRICS, BUT TRUST US.  ONCE YOU LEARN THEM, YOU’LL BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4PId9fKRhA 

     

    Comments from the I-Man: The blog is just ok. Rob and Tony clearly have another job and are treading water till I fire their sorry assess from this one. How else can one explain this unfunny sh*t?