6:03:12 A.M. – We look forward to this morning’s program, as, in today’s edition of ‘Psychos’, Curtis Sliwa will be on the panel; an actual, certifiable, Psycho. This is a guy who dove out a cab window after the guy inside shot him. We don’t care what you say, that raises the bar of Psycho-Ness exponentially.
CURTIS…GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE PROGRAM, DONNING AN ‘I-MAN’ STYLE COWBOY HAT…OVER HIS SIGNATURE BERET
6:08:56 A.M. – To everyone’s surprise and dismay, the I-Man was granted permission to quarantine Lucinda at home, rather than at the Vets, thereby depriving us of the ‘Waco Style Siege’ we were sure was inevitable. Imus vs. The State of Texas. Who did you THINK was going to win that one?
REMEMBER THE ALAMO? REMEMBER THE WILLOWS.
6:15:44 A.M. – Connell is back after his sojourn to Montreal to take his family to the Women’s World Cup of Soccer, as he is, no doubt, the Father of the Year. However, he took the time off to grow, what he’s calling, a ‘beard’. It looks more like he was rooting for truffles and hadn’t washed his face just yet. He gives off the air of a pubescent lad who uses his mother’s eyebrow pencil to highlight the few, wispy, angel hair whiskers that appeared the moment his voice began to drop.
CONNELL MCSHANE: MANLY MAN
6:40:27 A.M. – Father Jonathan Morris is on, and informs the I-Man that he’s clad in a pair of jeans and T-Shirt. The Boss wants to know if the Padre acts any differently when he’s not in ‘uniform’. Father Jon responds of course not. The Good Father is on to discuss an incident that happened to him at the Gay Pride Parade the other day when he was spat upon by a pair of revelers. He wants everyone to know he was not IN the parade, nor was he WATCHING the parade, he was just trying to cross Broadway on the way to another destination…and happened to run into the parade. Between this information and the fact that he felt it necessary to tell the I-Man what he is wearing, makes us…just a little uncomfortable.
CARRYING AN UMBRELLA IN CASE ANYBODY ELSE TRIES TO SPIT ON HIM
7:05:10 A.M. – Gunz reveals that he doesn’t like Curtis Sliwa. We don’t know why, because, as far as we’re concerned, a guy who will dive out of the cab after a guy inside it shot him, is a damn fine American in our eyes.
CARRYING AROUND A TARGET AFTER YOU’VE BEEN SHOT FIVE TIMES? THAT’S THE NEW DEFINITION OF ‘BALLS’
7:15:37 A.M. – Connell reports that there has been a recall of French Made Breast Enhancements. We’re not sure what they’re leaking…but we assume it’s wine.
CE SONT LA’ QUELQUES SEINS CRU
7:38:06 A.M. – PSYCHOS II with the debut of Curtis Sliwa, who, if we didn’t know any better, would assume was Bo Dietl. He has the same demeanor, political position and vocabulary as America’s P.I. Just like Bo’s eBOnics, Curtis speaks in Sliwa-ese…which is a combination of English, Brooklyn, and ‘Waddayoulookinat’?
THE CURTIS SLIWA KITCHENWARE SET
7:39:18 A.M. – Gunz is up first, complaining about the tourists rushing for trains on their way to their Holiday Weekends. With everything going on the world, Global Warming, ISIS Crisis, hunger, pestilence, poverty…he picks crowded subways as his bone of contention this week. Deirdre attacks him, calling him one of the ‘Overprivileged’ Millenials, who don’t have a perspective. We wait for her to tell him to “Get (his) own private jet”, as she once advised Lis Wiehl to do. But, sadly, she doesn’t. We are actually thankful for that fact. The idea of Gunz on a Private Jet is about as disturbing an image as it gets.
OH, HELL NO.
7:40:08 A.M. – The Guardian Angel is exorcised about the notion of ‘Futbol’…(Soccer to the ‘Real World’). He maintains…it’s KICKball. NOT Smashmouth Balls to the Wall, Deep Penetration, American FOOTBALL. He’s acting like a man who has actually played some football himself…without a f%$king helmet.
OH, HE WEARS A HELMET NOW
7:41:08 A.M. – Bernard is incensed by the sluggishness of Congress to pass key elements of the 2010 Zadroga 911 Bill, which is due to expire, and some of these elected pantloads still want to debate the viability of the extension, despite the fact that more First Responders have died from the after-effects of 911 than people who perished in the attacks on the World Trade Center. We hereby nominate Bernard to run for Congress…Senate, even. Or how about…President. Why not? He’s got as much of a chance as Trump. And makes a helluva lot more sense.
BM IN 2016
7:42:04 A.M. – Alan Colmes is upset that some members of the GOP are ignoring the Supreme Court ruling on Gay Marriage. We’re not sure why it bothers him so much, he just so happens to be a married man…to a lovely woman, who just so happens to be Monica Crowley’s sister. So it’s not like he has any ‘Skin’ in the game. So to speak.
MAYBE ALAN HAS A VESTED INTEREST AFTER ALL
7:44:26 A.M. – Deirdre is…well…just plain Psycho…not to put too fine a point on it, but the girl gone Bat Dookie Crazy. She’s strafing the room…like Tony Montana in Scarface…taking out Gunz, Colmes and anybody who gets in her way. Except, of course Bernard and Curtis. Because they know enough to keep their heads down get the hell out of her crosshairs.
OF COURSE, SHE USES ORGANIC HOLLOW POINT BULLETS
8:05:34 A.M. – We learn that the I-Man went all ‘High Tech’ yesterday, and was able to listen to the 9:00 hour of the program, through his ‘I Heart Radio’ app on his computer AND his phone. Which was bad news for Warner, who did a couple of his patented ‘Name That Tune’ cuts during his sports report…something that usually incites the I-Man Ire. However, this time, he says he actually laughed at them. He warns Warner to not overdo this practice…which means that, he most certainly will. He’ll be like Funkmaster Flex, on America’s Top Forty…except he’ll be playing The Ink Spots.
DJ ‘GRANDMASTER WOLF’
8:16:32 A.M. – Connell reports a “Kind of Wacky” story, in which a former CNN correspondent and her husband were robbed at gunpoint at a Motel 6, and the husband, naked, fresh out of the shower, returned fire and killed the perpetrator. “Kind of wacky?” The I-Man asks incredulously, shocked by our Newsman’s choice of words, intimating that Connell isn’t exactly ‘Walter Cronkite’ in his reporting. We agree with the ‘Wacky’ designation, however. We’re wondering how, naked, and fresh from the shower…where the husband had put the gun. Also…was he ‘erect’ during the firefight? Just asking. Inquiring Minds want to know.
YEAH, WE’D SAY THAT’S PRETTY ‘WACKY’
8:21:42A.M. – The I-Man suggests that the British Soccer player who, in trying to clear the ball, kicked it into her own goal, handing Japan the win, was… ‘In the tank’. He seems to think that she will be driving around in a Mitsubishi, flashing some serious Yen. We think it’s somewhat of a cynical stance… until we hear a rumor that she’s dating a Sumo Wrestler.
LAURA BASSETT, BATHED WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT BY TEAMMATES AFTER SCORING A GOAL FOR THE OPPOSING TEAM. BUT YOU KNOW AS SOON AS THEY HIT THE LOCKER ROOM, THEY BEAT HER ABOUT THE HEAD WITH THEIR CLEATS
8:45:09 A.M. – Geraldo Rivera is on to discuss his friend Donald Trump, taking exception to those pesky ‘Mexican Rapist’ statements that are still dogging the Billionaire Candidate. Geraldo maintains that Trump has tarnished his Brand, and likens him to the guy at the bar who has had one too many and then asks ‘What are you lookin’ at?’ Well, in Trump’s case…that would be pretty obvious. ‘What the hell is that on your head, Motherf$%er?’
THE COUPLE IN HAPPIER TIMES. GERALDO IS OKAY IN DONALD’S BOOK…BECAUSE HE’S PUERTO RICAN, NOT MEXICAN. AND PART JEWISH…SO…Y’KNOW, HE’S GOT THAT GOING FOR HIM.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Somehow, it does not seem possible, and yet, tomorrow, the ‘Wy-Man’, Wyatt Imus, turns 17 years of age. We literally remember when he was born…and have watched him grow from a precocious, hysterically funny young child, into a handsome, hysterically funny, young man. In honor of his Natal Anniversary, we present the following clip of one of his idols, (Next to George Carlin and his Dad),
The Greatest of All Time.