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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress must make Chemical Safety Act live up to its name

by Deirdre Imus - The Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act for the 21st Century has a nice ring to it. Named for the late, longtime New Jersey Senator who passed away in 2013, the bill, championed in the Senate by Republican David Vitter and Democratic Tom Udall, would reform the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976 (TSCA). It is a shame that both the current and proposed legislation fall far short of their lofty names, and that countless Americans have suffered, are suffering, will suffer as a result.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Monday
    Apr202015

    Special "420" Edition

     

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Well, it’s 420.  Which is the unofficial holiday known as ‘Weed Day’, so named because…um…it’s…hehehehehehehehe…what?  Stop looking at me, man.  Why are you looking at me?  Hehehehehhehe.  Shhh.  Do you hear somebody coming?   Hey.  DORITOS!  Right?  RIGHT?   What?   Oh.   Hehehehehehe.

    “DUDE.  HASH BROWNS ON  THE SANDWICH, DUDE!  FOR REALS! THAT’S WHY THEY SHOULD MARILIZE LEGAL JUANA.”

    6:06:18 a.m. – Bigfoot is not here. We hope he’s okay.  And not caught in some bear trap…we mean ‘bad traffic’…they sound alike.  Hey.  Bear Trap.  Bad Traffic.  Wow.  That’s deep.  What day is it?  You gonna finish that egg sammidge?  Wow.  Duuuude.  I am so…baked right now!

    ‘THESE ARE FRESH.  HIS CAR MUST’VE BROKEN DOWN.  HE’S HEADED TO FOX ON FOOT.  ALERT SECURITY, WE DON’T WANT HIM GETTING SHOT TRYING TO ENTER THE BUILDING.’

    6:12:22a.m. –  The Boss gives us another piece of history that looms large in his legend.  Sometime around 1960 he was entered in a Talent Contest at a club in the heart of…WATTS, ostensibly, the only White Guy within a 20 mile radius.  What was his talent?   Being ‘The Bravest Man in the World.’  He also sang a song he wrote called ‘Gunfight at the Sunset Strip’.   We think the judges believed he was a comic…or somebody challenged besides being the only White guy within a 20 Mile radius.

    “HEY! SHUT UP!  I’M SINGING HERE!  ARE YOU FOLKS EVEN LISTENING?”

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Juan Williams and the I-Man discuss National Politics including Lindsey Graham suggesting on Fox that there is a 91% chance of him running for president.   A statement that immediately led the Boss to ask “Do you think Lindsey Graham wears women’s underwear?”   Juan didn’t take the bait, however.  We suspect because HE is wearing women’s underwear.  We know the I-Man is. 

    WHY, BEAUREGARD!  I DO DECLARE, YOU’VE CAUGHT ME IN MY UNMENTIONABLES!  PRISSY!  GO FETCH ME MY SHAWL!”

    6:42:28 a.m. –  Imus asks Juan for some advice as to what he should do about the upcoming Bill O’Reilly interview, and if he should play Bill the sound bite of Megyn Kelly maintaining she would be a better interviewer of Hillary Clinton than he would be.  Juan is all for it, just because he wants to see some ‘White on White’ crime for a change.

    “MICRO?  YOU KNOW WHAT’S REALLY MICRO?  THAT THING YOUR HUSBAND HAS IN HIS PANTS!”

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Academy of Country Music Awards were last night, which Imus mistook for the Country Music  Awards, in other words, he thought it was the CMAs when it was actually the ACMs…because he’s ADD.   And he has COPD.  But he likes NWA.  He’s always been a Dr. Dre. Fan.  That is, until he found out that  Dre couldn’t  write scrip.

    NO VICODIN, BUT MEDICINAL CANNIBIS…YO, YOU GOTS TO HIT DAT $#*t !

    7:15:30 a.m. –  The City Council of New York votes to De-Criminalize Public Urination, which comes as a great relief to the I-Man…as he will no longer have to post bail when he gets a UTI and can’t make it to the restroom. 

    PENTHOUSE, ASTOR PLACE, NYC, CIRCA 1979

    7:17:41 a.m. –     Warner begins to throw Bigfoot under the bus for not having the video clip ready of Cleveland Cavaliers Superstar Point Guard, Kyrie Irving.  Bigfoot responds that “We were in the middle of cueing up the video of your induction into the Washington D.C. Sports Hall of Fame.”   Warner responds… that had he known that, he wouldn’t have even brought up Kyrie Irving.

    “DUDE!  LOOK AT WARNER!  HE IS TOTALLY  %#@KED UP!  DID YOU GIVE HIM SOME OF THAT A-DUB TICKLE KUSH OF YOURS?  I THINK HE BOGARTED THE WHOLE JOINT,!  WARNER!  YOU OKAY, DUDE?”

    “…HOT DOGEE…I WANT A HOT DOGEEE.”

    7:18:36  a.m. –  Connell’s wife, Phyllis, was at the Islanders Playoff game yesterday.  She became such a fan of the Islanders, that she vowed to never attend another Mets game, again.  Ever.  Just like  the Wilpons will be… by midseason.

    CONNELL POSES IN FRONT OF A POSTER OF HIS WIFE, PHYLLIS, WHO WENT MISSING, ONLY TO BE FOUND LATER THAT DAY, AT AN ISLANDERS’ GAME

    7:40:18 a.m. VINNIE FROM QUEENS  with Tony Powell, Nat Candido, Lou Rufino, Warner Wolf and Gunz Gunzelman, because…you need to have at least one woman on the panel.  The Gentlemen…(and Lady) discuss that nobody is talking about Rangers Hockey, despite the fact that they have a great chance to win the Stanley Cup Championship this year.   Although Gunz, like Connell’s wife, is another female hockey fan.

    GUNZ ACTUALLY PLAYED GOALIE FOR HER COLLEGE HOCKEY TEAM

    8:16:32 a.m. – Warner has played the video clip of Mets Catcher, Travis D’Arnaud, (n. pron. “Dar-No’ “)  getting his hand fractured when hit by a pitch.  Each time, he has said Travis’ name differently.  “Dee-Arno, De-naud, Denied, It’s Delightful, It’s Delicious It’s DeLovely.”  Cole Porter! 1936 Gold, here on your Heartbreak Radio Station!  Warner played it when it was a hit.  And introduced it as a ‘Cold Porter Song’.

    FROM WARNER’S EXTENSIVE RECORD COLLECTION

    D’ARNAUD’S REPLACEMENT, KEVIN PLEWECKI.  WE WILL HAVE TO HAVE A DEFIBRILLATOR HANDY WHEN WARNER ATTEMPTS TO PRONOUNCE HIS NAME.

    8:35:00 a.m  –    Bill O’Reilly is on to promote his ‘Legends and Lies’ program, of which he is executive producer, profiling some great Old West Icons…like the Lone Ranger, who, according to Bill, was not only based upon a real person…but that person happened to be black.  Bass Reeves, was his name and he lived amongst Native Americans.  Which makes us wonder if ‘Kemosabe’ was known back then as ‘The K Word.’

    THE’HOLMES RANGER’

    HIS SIDEKICK…TERRELL.  (HE WAS A BLACKFOOT INDIAN)

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WARNER BRIEFLY INTERVIEWS ANDRE’ THE GIANT

    CLEARLY DEMONSTRATING WHY HE DESERVES TO BE IN THE WASHINGTON D.C. SPORTS HALL OF FAME

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIPKF0JVEaI

    (AND WHY ANDRE’ MUST’VE THOUGHT HE WON SOMETHING AND WARNER WAS SOME KIND OF TROPHY)

    Friday
    Apr172015

    May the Force Be With You

    6:06:06 a.m. –    Lou Rufino is back.  Glory Hallelujah, Praise God!  The family has been reunited, much to the I-Man’s delight.  He is so happy about this, that he pauses for a special shout out to Crash for his performance taking over for Mr. Rufino.  He praises Crash’s enthusiasm, passion, and energy in his solid effort to pick up the baton…only to give it back to Lou this morning.

    LOU IS REALLY NOT A REDHEAD.  IT’S JUST HIS SECRET IDENTITY

    6:08:18 a.m. –  Tommy, the Malaysian Doorman at Imus’ Building, to whom we introduced you to yesterday in this very blog, was on duty this morning as the I-Man left for work.  “Where’s the plane, Tommy?”    And…Tommy told him.  Unfortunately, he told him in…Malay.   But the Boss says he’s going to put it through his Translator App this weekend and tell us where the plane is Monday.  If you want to know now, we will translate it for you:  Terpulang pantat anda , anda bajingan dalam keadaan sihat.   “It’s closer than you think.”

     “Lain kali anda mempunyai temujanji dengan Doktor Katz , mempunyai dia mengambil ia keluar!”

    “I AM SURE YOU ARE SURPRISED.” 

    6:17:34  a.m. –  The I-Man got a text from his friend, Bill White, and White’s husband, Brian, inviting the Boss to “Come down to Coachella”.   Yeah, that’s what you want.  To stand next to Grampa Funk during the Raekwon and Ghostface Killah set on the outdoor main stage.

    “YO YO YO…HOLD UP…HOLD UP…WHO’S THE OLD DUDE IN THE COWBOY HAT?”

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Joe Plumeri is on.   Who is Joe Plumeri?  Someone who, the aforementioned Bill White recommended the Boss have on to promote his new book, The Power of Being Yourself.   We were hoping that he would actually come in as somebody OTHER than himself, as among his 5 favorite songs were The Star Spangled Banner, Take Me Out to the Ball Game, Pennies from Heaven.  Turns out, the guy is an inspiration.  Cut from the same cloth as Jerry Weintraub, Mr. Plumeri is a man who ‘Gets Things Done’.   Without fear or hesitation…demonstrating that  all you really have to do…is ask.  He was able to convince those in charge of the Sears Tower to…change the name of the building.   The I-Man once had similar power.  He was able to get the MSNBC facility in Secaucus, New Jersey, renamed to ‘Fuzzy Peaches Plaza’.   In other words…named after Wolfman Jack. 

    “HI, I-MAN.  I’M JOE PLUMERI.  WILL YOU GIVE ME 250,000 DOLLARS?  NO?  OKAY.  COULDN’T HURT TO ASK”

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man weighs in again with his disdain for  ‘Coachella’, stating that his friends Bill and Brian have about as much business being at ‘Coachella’ as…Warner does.   Not fair, I-Man.  You know Warner is a HUGE Bell & Sebastian Fan.

    ROCK OUT WITH YOUR @OCK OUT, WARNER!

    7:40:18 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE featuring Deirdre Imus, Michael Reidel and Dagen McDowell, but NO Imogen Lloyd Webber, sadly, because…she was doing…EVERYTHING else she could.  So, thankfully, for her, she missed the Fan Boy STAR WARS Paroxysms of Unrestrained Joy. over the new Trailer for the movie, which features…hang on to your Light Sabers, boys and girls… a cameo from HAN SOLO!   Played by, it appears, Harrison Ford’s Grandfather, while Chewbacca, by the way sported GREY HAIR on his muzzle.   Reidel IS a fan of Star Wars, or at least he WAS when he was a Little Reidel, and had all the Star Wars Action Figures.  But he’s sick of Sequels.  Dagen, however, reacted to the trailer unveiling as if she was a 38 year old guy living above his grandmother’s garage eating pudding and playing Dungeons and Dragons on his ‘Lap Top’…which isn’t exactly on his Lap, because…well, never mind. She says that she LOVED Star Wars when she was a kid, and, in fact, wanted to be Luke Skywalker.

    REIDEL ALWAYS WANTED TO BE PRINCESS LEIA

     REIDEL WITH ROBBA THE HUT

    DAGEN ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LUKE SKYWALKER

     ...AND NAT GREW UP TO BECOME CHEWBACCA

    “GLRLRLRLRLRRRRRRRRR, BRO!”

    7:42:09 a.m. -  Dagen praises Chrissy Teigen’s Instagram photo, showing her pale, bruised, cellulite and stretch marked legs…Teigen’s that is.  Not Dagen’s.  

    WHICH LEGS ARE TEIGIN’S AND WHICH ARE McDOWELL’S?   HERE’S A HINT:  DON’T LET THE SOUTHERN ICED TEA AND THE CUTE LITTLE DOG FOOL YOU

    7:44:16 a.m. - Deirdre reports that Sarah Silverman lied about an example of gender discriminate pay scales for male comedians versus female comedians…Sarah claims the male comic on the bill made 60 dollars, while she was only paid 10 dollars.  We know how this works.   It has nothing to do with gender discrimination.   Comics are paid based on how funny they are.  And women…are usually not all that funny.  If the booker had seen Sarah’s Act prior to her appearance at the club, she would’ve been paid…at LEAST 30 dollars! 

    IF SHE HADN’T LIED…SHE WOULD’VE MADE THAT 30 BUCKS…AND THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED…

    8:05:10 a.m. – Returning from the bathroom, the I-Man reports that there’s “Water all over the bathroom floor.”   Nat asks, “Was it there before…or after you went in?”   Fair question.  But we can attest that Imus would NEVER pee on the floor of a bathroom.  He’d just pee in a corner here in the studio.  No,that’s not true either…Imus always sits when he pees.

    NAT!   IT’S COLD IN HERE!

    8:09:18a.m. – The I-Man was, surprisingly, talking about Rodeo this morning, (We know, you’re just as shocked as we are)  and apparently, the PBR has been sold to William Morris and International Management Group for 100 Million dollars, which…is no bull.  (See what we did there?)  He says he doesn’t understand why rodeo isn’t more popular in this country, although admits that a lot has to do with those ‘PETA Pussies’ complaining about animal cruelty.  He used to tell the little Knotheads at the Ranch, who would ask if the roping hurt the calves, that “No, that doesn’t hurt them. What DOES hurt them?  When you stick them in pens so they can’t move their entire lives, and feed them plastic and then you kill them and eat them.  They’re just earning their keep.”  He continues: “ I tell them, (Imus apparently speaks fluent ‘COW’, as he believes he can talk to animals…which is a pretty rare talent, as the only other people who can do that are currently living in Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital.)   I tell them that here’s no free lunch so you have to do this every once in awhile and, in return, I’ll feed you and take care of you and give you shade to lie under.   Now, when you’re out of the chute, run like hell, and when you see the rope, try to duck.”   We assume he believes that there’s no free lunch for the cowboys either.     We weren’t really paying attention, because we thought he said “Peter Pussies”, which would be an entirely DIFFERENT story.

    ‘CRUELTY FREE’ BEEF FACTORIES BRING THE MEAT TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE IN A CHAUFFEUR DRIVEN BMW

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Warner reports that the Arizona Diamondbacks beat the San Francisco Giants 7-6.  Except he says ‘D-Backs’…but we hear ‘D-Bags’ (Maybe we need some ear monitors like the I-Man…) Then again, some Diamondbacks have been known to be Douchebags…like Randy Johnson for example.  In fact, known as ‘The Big Unit’ to fans, but in the Locker room, his teammates referred to him as ‘The Big Douche’.

     JOHNSON.  HE DIDN’T EVEN NEED THE MULLET OR THAT PORNSTAR MOUSTACHE WITH THE SOUL PATCH TO QUALIFY.  BUT IT DIDN’T HURT.

    8:40:00 a.m  –  I-Fave, Laura Ingraham is on, to discuss a wide range of subjects including ‘Gender Norming’, which sounds like when a sexually ambiguous person walks into ‘Cheers’ and they all shout  “NORM!”  But actually, means ‘The practice of judging female military applicants or recruits, or female employees or job applicants in the civilian workforce, by less stringent standards than their male counterparts.  Which would account for how Laura got HER job.  Just kidding.  She got HER job, because she knifed the guy who did her interview.  And then took HIS job. 

    “S’MATTER?  CAN TAKE A LITTLE STAB WOUND?  PUSSY.  YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS JOB!”

    9:12:12 a.m. – Connell reads a story about a cocaine bust that resulted in the seizure of FOURTEEN TONS OF COKE, with a street value of 424 million bucks!    (Wow!  The Price has gone up!  We remember when coke was only TWO million dollars a ton. )  Imus says that 30 years ago it would’ve been going to his penthouse at One Astor Place.

    IMUS’ WEEKEND SUPPLY LEAVING COLUMBIA FOR NYC (CIRCA 1979)

    9:15:30 a.m. – Imus ends the program as he began it this morning, with gratitude and appreciation for the fact that Lou is back in the radio studio.  He asks how long it’s been since he’s taken a sick day, and Lou replies “8 Years.”   Of course, The I-Man once went ELEVEN years and didn’t miss a day.  Sure.  You snort that much cocaine and you could stay up for 11 years too.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RGohIKxc9M

    MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

    Thursday
    Apr162015

    The Donald

    6:02:05 a.m. –    LOU IS MISSING!  Actually, not really, he’s just phoned in sick.  For the first time…anybody can remember.  Certainly since we’ve been at ABC, which nearly 8 years.  And we don’t think he took off a sick day when we were back at WFAN either.  He is the ‘Iron Horse’, the Lou Gehrig  of radio engineers.  Cal Ripkin-like.   The only time he was missing from his position behind the board, was the hour he was stuck in the elevator at 2 Penn Plaza.  And even THEN he phoned in.   This is the kind of dedication the I-Man inspires in his staff.  In the 28 years Rob has been with the Boss, he’s only been out about a year and a half.   Percentage-Wise.  If he were a baseball player, he’d be in the Hall of Fame, for batting a .946…that is, if he wasn’t fat.  Although, Babe Ruth wasn’t exactly Mr. Olympia.

    ‘THE BABE’?  ‘THE BOOB’?  HE IS A ‘D’ CUP…

    6:08:18 a.m. –   We learn that WARNER WAS RIGHT!  What?   Give us a second while we re-read that sentence…um…yup!  That’s what it says.  You must mean his political orientation.  No?   You mean RIGHT as in CORRECT?   How?   Well, The Wolf-Man predicted that Aaron Hernandez would be convicted.   At least now he’s not banned from picking guarantees on 1st Degree Murder cases.  But, when you get to think about it…it wasn’t that much of a stretch.  The I-Man, on the other hand, predicted Hernandez would walk.   Well, he will, actually, just into a prison.   And not ever walk out.   Still, Imus is bummed.   He says he had Aaron on his NFL Fantasy Team.

    THE I-MAN HAS TO TAKE HIM OFF THE TEAM

    6:17:34  a.m. –  Crash is filling in for Lou.  Crash is a rather rotund gentleman, with glasses and a porn star mustache, wearing a vintage Mets Jersey.  (More on that later)   He hasn’t yet earned the I-Man’s confidence.  So Imus tries to get to know Crash a little better.   We also learn that Crash actually has a collection  of about FIFTY Baseball Jerseys.  This leads the I-Man to ask Crash if he’s married.  (A fair question asked of a man who has a collection of 50 ANYTHING), because he gives the impression that he lives in his Mom’s basement.  Turns out Crash IS indeed married.  “Do you have kids?”   he asks.  “Yes.”   “What are they?”   Well, kids are the younger versions of people, until they grow to be 18 years old, when Society….Oh.  You mean what sexes?   “A Girl 8 and a Boy 6.”    Wow.  So there are FOUR people living in his Mom’s basement.

    “HEY YOU KIDS!  BE QUIET, NANA’S TRYING TO TAKE A NAP UPSTAIRS!”

    6:26:14 a.m. –  Nat Candido and Crash, the two biggest Mets Fans on the program, Butt heads as to who is the ‘REAL’ Fan.   Nat’s been to Two out of the Three games the Mets have played at home so far, while Crash has seen a total of…NONE.  However, he will partake in FOUR games this weekend.  “I couldn’t understand you because of the Meatloaf flying out of your mouth.”   “I wouldn’t do fat jokes if I were you” warns the I-Man.  Dagen from Downtown…WAY Downtown.  “At least Crash has proof he’s actually been inside a woman.  Twice.”

    “I WAS INSIDE A WOMAN, BRO.”. ONCE.   AND THEN I WAS BORN.

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Hannah Storm is on to promote the ESPN movie she directed ‘Shaq and Dale’ which chronicles the relationship between Shaquille O’Neal and his LSU Coach, Dale Brown.  It airs this evening at 8 PM on ESPN, and the I-Man thinks it sounds FASCINATING.  So you might want to check it out, because he actually paid attention to what Hannah was saying.   And, by the way, Shout Out To Gunz:  It’s ‘Shaq and Dale’.   NOT ‘ Chip and Dale’, as you think it is.

    DALE BROWN TEACHES SHAQ HOW TO WORK ON HIS LOWER BODY

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Warner Wolf if HE’S going to watch the Hannah Storm Movie.  Warner admits that, he will NOT.  “So DON’T watch it then, you old fart!”   Um…that’s what he said.  He’s NOT watching it.   So you’re being redundant.  You old fart.  He’s NOT watching it.  You old fart.

    ONLY WARNER COULD CALL THE I-MAN YOUNG

    7:15:30 a.m. –     Imus complains that he saw Liz McDonald in the Make Up room this morning before the program, and….she didn’t look all that happy to see him.  You should be used to that by NOW, Boss, shouldn’t you?   It’s been like that for almost 40 years.  Who has EVER been happy to see you?    Remember now, that Ms. McDonald saw the I-Man in the Makeup Room BEFORE the program.  And he looked like he does when he first rises from his crypt.

    “HEY LIZ…IS THAT A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD OR

    ARE YOU JUST NOT HAPPY TO SEE ME?”

    7:22:44 a.m. –  Connell reports that they are STILL looking for that missing Malaysian Airplane that went down a year ago.  The Boss says that ‘Tommy’ his doorman at Imus World Headquarters, knows where it is.  The only problem?  “‘Tommy’ doesn’t speak English all that well, at least well enough to tell me.   But when he does, I’ll tell you.”  When he finally can speak English well enough to tell you something, we think he may have something else he will want to say first.  We won’t tell you what it is, because we wouldn’t want to spoil it for Tommy.  But in Malay, it’s Makan tahi, anda kentut lama’.   (It’s REAL Malay, by the way…use Google translate if you really want to know what it means)

    ‘TOMMY’  HE KNOWS A LOT…HE JUST CAN’T TELL YOU

    7:40:18 a.m. – PSYCHOS 2  or, as we like to call it, “Hand me the Tranquilizer Gun and another dart”  which, believe it or not, is even MORE contentious than ever.  Starts off with Imus being pissed off about the ‘Kars for Kids’ commercial.  It’s the most spot you’ve ever heard, with a jingle that’s like an Ear TAPE worm, for a charity that seems somewhat…suspicious.  “Why would you give a car to a kid?”  the Boss is fond of saying. 

    WHY COULDN’T BUDDY HOLLY, RICHIE VALENS AND THE BIG BOPPER GIVE THEIR SEATS ON THE PLANE TO THESE ANNOYING LITTLE BASTARDS?

    7:41:28 a.m. – Bo weighs in on tax day, yesterday, and how Al Sharpton owes about 6 MILLION dollars in taxes.  Bo says he pays HIS taxes, and wants to know why Al Sharpton is allowed to get away with not paying, just because he’s Friends with Obama.  Rev. Sharpton may very well be a ‘F.O.O.’, but Bo is a ‘Foo-Fighter’.

    NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT BO WAS IN THE ORIGINAL LINEUP.  HE PLAYED THE ACCORDION

    7:42:11 a.m. – Alan Colmes says that ‘ODS’, ‘Obama Derangement Syndrome’ is going to morph into ‘HDS’…’  ‘Hilary Derangement Syndrome’, to which, Deirdre responds by calling Alan an ‘Ass Puppet’.

    KERMIT WAS RIGHT, ALAN.  IT’S NOT EASY BEIN’ GREEN

    7:43:21 a.m. – Bernard goes on a rant about the words used by these kids today.  Like ‘Awesome’ and ‘Hilarious’.  Wyatt texts his father, claiming that Bernard is ripping off Louis CK…word for word.  We’re not sure that’s true…although if by ripping off, you’re referring to Louis CK ripping off George Carlin, who some have accused as ripping off Lenny Bruce…who, by the way stole his ‘To Come’ routine from Milton Berle…and God knows who HE stole it from, because he stole from EVERYBODY.

    THE WORD IS, UNCLE MILTY USED TO USE THE WORD ‘C@#K’ SO MUCH, BECAUSE HE HAD THE BIGGEST ONE IN HOLLYWOOD

    7:45:09 a.m. – What’s on Deirdre’s mind?   Abortion.  Yeah, there’s a subject with a lot of ‘Yuks’ in it.   She’s AGAINST it, obviously.   There are some who are strongly for it.   Our take is that, in some cases, it should be ‘Retroactive’.   (And we have a list)

    THESE THREE.  DEFINITELY ON ‘THE LIST’

    7:46:56 a.m. – Gunz, thankfully, brings us back to a ‘Dumbed Down’ Topic, (And, by the way, HE’S one of the ones on ‘The List’)  and says he ‘Hates Sequels’.  Movie Sequels, to be specific.  Like ‘Paul Blart, Mall Cop 2’, ‘Taken  2 and 3’.  Any of the Wayan’s Brothers ‘Scary Movies’ past the first one.  ( Actually, we’d put the first one in the same category as all the others…and therefore, that’s why the Wayans Brothers are ALSO on ‘The List’, along with The Farrelly Brothers who should’ve stopped after ‘Something About Mary’ )  That’s a great point Gunz… good thing after ‘Star Wars’, they didn’t make ‘The Empire Strikes Back’…oh, wait a minute, that’s right…they did.  Well, we are certainly grateful that they didn’t make more than that one Batman movie with Christian Bayle…oh,  yeah.  And at least they didn’t make ‘The Godfather Part 2’.  A sequel to the Academy Award Winning ‘The Godfather’, which ALSO won an Oscar.   Hey Gunz!  You’re lucky we’re against Late Term Abortion, because you’re in your 37th Trimester.

    INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, AFTER HE WAS BORN, HIS PARENTS DECIDED AGAINST MAKING A ‘SEQUEL’

    8:05:10 a.m. –  Connell reports that Kim Jong Un’s wife has been seen for the first time in months.  The I-Man makes the observation about Dictators… “Whatever you do in life, be ALL IN.”   If you’re going to be a porn loving, three stooges haircut having, murdering despot, BE a Porn Loving, Three Stooges Haircut Having, Murdering Despot.   Like Kim Jong Un.  

    SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT MURDEROUS DESPOTS…THEY ARE CUTE WHEN THEY’RE LITTLE

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Imus finally sees video of Mrs. Un in a clip, and poses the question:  “Could you imagine that little bastard on top of you , squirming around?”   Um…no.  Because we don’t watch ASIAN MIDGET porn.

    “I LIKE TO WEAR WOMAN BRA…MAKE ME FEEL ‘PRETTY’…HEY WIFE!  YOU LIKE MAKE FRISKY?  I GIVE YOU MY LITTLE ‘DICK’-TATOR”

    8:40:00 a.m  – ‘The Donald’ Trump  is on the phone, and  ‘The Donald’ Imus asks  the colorful billionaire, if it’s true that he’s never smoked, nor imbibed alcohol or coffee.  Trump confirms this as truth, which surprises us, because we were sure he drank.  Considering the hairdo.  Seriously.  You’re a billionaire and you can’t get something that doesn’t look like a Guinea Pig died on your head?

    R.I.P. LORD SAMSON (IN HAPPIER TIMES)

    8:42 :12 a.m. –  Mr. Trump says that he has definitely, maybe, actually,  decisively, vaguely, unequivocally, indefinitely,  indecisively that he will run for President.   So will he ‘Throw his hat in the ring’?   We hope not.   He should absolutely keep it on his head.

    LIKE JOE COCKER SANG… “YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

    WE  KNOW YOU WANT IT

    SO HERE IT IS…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8UV7SAhvG4

    Wednesday
    Apr152015

    Kato

    6:05:05 a.m. –    “Madonna kissing Drake made me sick.”  The I-Man says.  Now he knows how we feel when we watch him eating yogurt.  We have to admit we were similarly disgusted by the display…it remind us of how a Sparrow feeds its’ chicks.  We weren’t sure what her motivation was for the stunt, other than to appear relevant, but, apparently, the Gypsy Curse that was placed on her requires her to take the breath away from a younger person or else she will die.

    MADONNA SLIPS DRAKE THE TONGUE

    6:08:18 a.m. – As is his custom and routine, the Boss asks Warner “Who won the game?”  and Mr. Wolf reports that the Mets beat the Phillies last night.  But the I-Man notes that “WE lost David Wright.”   Um… ‘We’?   In the words of the great Tonto to the Lone Ranger at the Battle of Little Big Horn:“What’s this ‘We’ Sh*t, Kemosabe?”   WE?   Did Deirdre give Imus the Rosetta Stone French program for their Anniversary? 

    DEIRDRE IS SO MORTIFIED BY THE I-MAN’S RABID FANDOM FOR THE AMAZIN’S, SHE ACTUALLY PAINTS HER FACE AND WEARS A HAT SO SHE’S NOT RECOGNIZED

    6:016:32a.m. –   The I-Man asks Warner if he was “Out in the sun” when he was in Naples.  Warner says only about 30 minutes total over the five days he was in Florida.  Which is good, because if Warner were to lie out there any longer than that, Buzzards would begin to circle.  Apparently, the Boss thinks Warner looks a little “Dark”.   Tony begs to differ.  He’s more ‘Florida Orange.’  

    WELL…AL JOLSON WAS JEWISH…

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Comedy Legend and I-Fave, Dick Gregory, phones in and begins talking about the recent spate of Police Shootings, and then veers off into finding tiny people in his salt shaker. The I-Man isn’t sure where Dick is going, but we like to think of him as a Vintage Car…you can’t just get in it and drive…you have to let it warm up in the Garage for a little while.  And then put your foot on the gas…slowly.   You can’t have Dick right out of the box at the beginning of the program.  If we had a 9:49 Guest…that might be the spot for him.  At least he’d have had his first cup of coffee.

    THIS IS A MAN WHO’S BEEN LOOKING FOR ALIENS IN HIS SALT SHAKER

    7:05:10 a.m. – A discussion of Dogs ensues where we learn that Wyatt, Dagen and Ashley Webster have all rescued their pooches, and Warner’s Jack Russell has two names.  His wife, Tammy Sue, calls her ‘Nikki’  Warner calls her ‘Kato’, not after Bruce Lee, but after the character from the Pink Panther Movies.   Deirdre has a rescue too.   His name is Don.

    THIS BOXER, ‘BRUCE LEE’, NAMED FOR ITS SKILL IN KUNG FU

    7:15:30 a.m. –     The I-Man talks about the Ayatollah…the real one, not Deirdre.  He says that Senator John McCain, who will be on later, says that the new deal with Iran is uncertain, because either Ali Khameni or Secretary of State John Kerry is lying.  We’re not sure who is…especially because the Iranians have never lied to us before, and John Kerry’s face is so frozen, we can’t tell WHAT he’s thinking or feeling.

     SENATOR KERRY AND THE TWO AYATOLLAHS

    7:39:18 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE  or…as we like to call it, “PASS ME THE POWERDRILL…I WANT TO MAKE THE SCREAMING STOP”   The Ladies debate Hillary Clinton’s campaign, and the I-Man attempts to fool them with a story about Gay Conversion Therapists, who claim that they have a high success rate,  and are able to cure most gays of their affliction before they kills themselves.  Neither bites.  It’s out of the Satirical News Parody ‘The Onion’.   Who says Blondes are Dumb?

    ALTHOUGH WE DID SEE THIS BILLBOARD.  WE NEVER KNEW.  NOW, HE’S GOT A WIFE AND THREE LOVELY KIDS.

    7:41:18 a.m. – The Ladies answer the I-Man’s survey about whether or not they used their sexuality to get out of a Traffic Ticket.  Deirdre says she’s never been pulled over.  Lis says, “Of course not, you’re in the back of a limo…”   Lis admits to using sex on Highway Patrol officers…but she usually just pulls over without being stopped, puts her Hazard Lights on, some Michael Bolton on the CD Player, and climbs into the back seat with a thermos of White Wine. 

    LIS SETS UP SHOP ON THE GARDEN STATE PARKWAY

    “HI, OFFICER!  WHY DON’T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, COME  BACK HERE, AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE?”

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man thinks that Lis, as a friend of his and Deirdre’s off the air, needs some Tough Love and he feels comfortable giving her advice.  In his estimation, given her ‘situation’…she needs to lower her standards when it comes to the ‘Mens’.   If she goes any lower she’d have to be a necrophiliac.  She’d have to have lunch with a paramecium.  Despite the fact that she’s 77, we think Lis is still a ‘Snappy Dish’…although we don’t believe anything still ‘Snaps’.  Except maybe her hip.

    HEY, LIS…YOU MAY HAVE SET THE BAR TOO HIGH HERE.  

    THIS GUY IS WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

    8:12:24 a.m. –  The I-Man points out that…Dagen has two dogs, Tony has a dog, Rob has two dogs, Ashley has two dogs, Warner has a dog, Bernie has a dog, (A German Shepherd, no doubt) Lou USED to have a dog but doesn’t now, because his landlord won’t allow him to have one in the apartment, and Imus has 5 or 6 dogs.  Connell…on the other hand…has a CAT.   A F%$#King CAT!  Which, indicates to the I-Man, that his suspicions about Connell are correct.  He really IS a ‘Little Pussy’.  Well, he HAS one.  Who, apparently, he’s training to be an anchor.

    “THIS JUST IN FROM THE NINE LIVES NEWS DESK…A DOG HAS BEEN HIT BY A CAR IN THE DOWNTOWN AREA.  CELEBRATIONS SCHEDULED TO START AT 5 pm”

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Senator John McCain phones in and says he wants an Ironclad Deal with Iran, but doesn’t think we have one.  He blames ‘Mashed Potato Face’ (As the Great One, Mark Levin calls him) John Kerry, for it.  The Senator also mentions that, his Mother is 103 and ‘Sharp as a Tack’.  A HUNDRED AND THREE??? Amazing!  Only two years younger than Imus. 

    THE I-MAN AND DEIRDRE CELEBRATE HIS LAST BIRTHDAY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF WARNER’S DOG ‘KATO’

    INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU’S LETHAL HOUSE BOY, ‘CATO’

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbUD7FRStbY 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC5Ldo1DjGk 

    THE GREEN HORNET’S ‘KATO’

    WHO WAS, THE LEGEND HIMSELF, BRUCE LEE

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uhrB5MEcEs 

     

    AND KATO KAELIN, WHO HAS NO RELATION TO EITHER OF THEM, OTHER THAN THE FACT HE SHARES THE SAME NAME

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YK0VFd1HLA

    Tuesday
    Apr142015

    Pimpin (and Breathin) Ain't Easy

    6:05:00a.m. –    The I-Man notices that WARNER’S BACK!   His mystery trip is revealed as a relaxing vacation in…Naples Florida.  And when we say ‘relax’ there really is a danger of you stopping breathing when you’re there.  Partly because it’s not exactly ‘Fun City’, but mostly because there’s nobody within the City Limits who is younger than 80.  No…bod…eee!   Warner had a good time there with his wife.  Probably because everyone referred to him as ‘The Kid’. 

     

    SOME OF THE HOTTIES AT THE DISCO IN NAPLES 

     6:08:18 a.m. – Ashley is back from Australia, Melbourne to be exact, to attend a wedding.  It must’ve been somebody REALLY close to him sit in a plane for 20 hours just to eat some rubber chicken and drink cheap booze.  Australia’s known as the country that has some of the deadliest creatures on the planet. Unfortunately, none of them bit Ashley.   THEY didn’t want to get poisoned.

    THE EASTERN BROWN SNAKE.  IT DIDN’T BITE ASHLEY.  PROFESSIONAL COURTESY

    6:12:22a.m. –  On the way out of the building on Friday Imus fist bumped a guy who walked past the car…and until his bodyguard Nat informed him that the guy was  Bill Shine.  Our Fox Business Boss.  Way to be Employee of the Month, I-Man.

    THE I-MAN’S LUCKY MR. SHINE DIDN’T FIST BUMP HIM IN THE FACE

    6:17:34  a.m. – Bigfoot reminisces about our days at RFD TV.   In those days it wasn’t the big time network it is today  In fact, he says the Control Room was on Picnic Tables.  We’re assuming he’s right because the studio was in a Double Wide.

     

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Anthony Mason and the I-Man talk music…specifically, Mark Ronson and Uptown Funk which has been number one on the charts so long if it passes 16 weeks at number one it’ll break a record.  And the record that will break the record is by Mariah Carey.  “Michelle Pfeiffer that White Gold…Mariah Carey that fat load…”

    WHY IS MARIAH HOLDING TWO MICROPHONES?  SHE’S TRYING TO EAT ONE OF THEM

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man reveals to Warner something he didn’t know about Joe Beaver.  In the 25 years he competed in the Rodeo, he won the National Championship 8 times…but placed Second…NINE TIMES!   17 out of 25 either first or second.  Ridonkulous.

    KING BEAVER THE…EIGHTH…OF COURSE

    7:11:22 a.m. –    Imus shows us he has his ‘Pimp Watch’ on.  It’s a diamond encrusted, platinum timepiece that cost more than both of our cars put together.  Dagen says it looks like something you’d buy at a Liberace Estate Sale…and get a fur cape along with it.  We just wonder if it comes in a heterosexual model.

    PIMPIN’…AND BREATHIN’, FOR THAT MATTER…AIN’T EASY.

    7:19:30 a.m. –    The Boss wants Dagen to find out when the Sir Douglas Quintet was on the charts with ‘She’s About a Mover’. The reason for this is that Imus got to speak with Augie Meyers, the keyboard player of the Texas Tornados / Sir Douglas Quintet, (They changed their name to capitalize on the British Invasion of the Beatles who had about 10 number ones at the time) and wants to hear Doug Sahm  call for Augie on the record.  We never did get to hear that part.  Probably because by that time we’d already got the guard to let us out.  It could have been worse.  The I-man could’ve spoken to Flaco Jimenez yesterday….in which case, we’d be listening to accordion music this morning.

    ONE SHOULD NEVER LISTEN TO ACCORDION MUSIC BEFORE NOON…OR ON AN EMPTY STOMACH

    7:40:18 a.m. – PSYCHOS!    Particularly heated this morning, as an ‘On Fire’ Nat Candido unloads on the ‘Fair Weather Fan’ the I-Man has jumped on the Mets Bandwagon.   He looks like he’s about to spontaneously combust. 

    WE APPRECIATE YOUR LOYALTY TO THE METS, NAT.  BUT…IT’S APRIL.  AND IT’S ABOUT 60 DEGREES OUTSIDE.  AND WE SHOULD WAIT ON THE ‘JUMPING ON THE BANDWAGON’ RIFF AT LEAST UNTIL THE ALL-STAR BREAK

    7:42:09 a.m. – Dagen is pissed off about ‘Brunch’.  Not any one in particular, just the concept itself.  She says it’s just an excuse to overpay for French Toast so you can swill Bloody Marys before cocktail hour.

    PRIME RIB, EGGS, TUNA SALAD, WAFFLES…CHEESECAKE AND PIE…AND A FREE DEFIBRALLATION ON THE WAY OUT

    7:43:16 a.m. –  Bo was bitching about Facebook.  Always fascinating when somebody of retirement age goes after Social Media as being stupid.  Meanwhile, they all post pictures of what they ate off the Early Bird Special at Denny’s. 

    BO IS SO UPSET WITH SOCIAL MEDIA, HE ACTUALLY TWEETED ABOUT IT…WHICH WAS ALSO POSTED TO HIS FACEBOOK PAGE

    7:44:38a.m. – Deirdre is fed up with ‘Thuggery’ on Twitter.  Twitter Tyranny…Cyber Bullying…although she has been known to be pretty stern with the  Butcher Industry:

    SORRY D-WOMAN.  BUT IT’S ‘FEWER’ MEAT

    7:46:33 a.m. – Of course, what would an edition of ‘PSYCHOS’ be without the ‘King of the Psychos’, the I-Man?  He is incensed with people who come up to him at the Rodeo to wish he and Wyatt ‘Good Luck’…which they, OBVIOUSLY, don’t want to happen, because their stupid kids, (who suck) can’t beat Wyatt.  They would like Wyatt to get bucked off his horse.   NOT TRUE, I-Man.   But you are HALF right, Boss.   They’d like YOU…to die.

    JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE THROWING A HORSE SHOE AT YOUR HEAD DOESN’T MEAN THAT THEY’RE WISHING YOU ‘LUCK’.  NO WONDER YOU HATE IT.

    8:05:10 a.m. – Dr. Bill invites the I-Man to the Mets Game tonight.  The Boss turns him down, because he doesn’t want to sit in the stands.  In actuality, those who sit in the stands don’t want him sitting there with them.  “Hey, Old Timer, you wanna take off that cowboy hat so we can see?”  “Hey…moron…you want to shut up before I come back there and put my Ladies cowboy boot in your ass?:

    “JESUS!  HOW HI UP ARE WE?  I CAN’T BREATHE!”  

    “WELL, YOU SHOULD’VE BROUGHT ALONG YOUR OXYGEN GEAR.”

    “F$@# YOU.  GET ME A HOT DOG.”

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Dagen Reports that the notebook of the man whose life was depicted in the movie “The Imitation Game”, Cryptologist Alan Turing, has sold for 1 Million Dollars at Auction.  She brings up the fact that the handwritten lyrics to Don Maclean’s ‘America Pie’ went for 1.2 Million.  Which is a shame, because in the notebook are Turing’s original lyrics to  ‘She’s About a Mover?’  (You thought it was Augie Meyers, didn’t you?)   And if the I-Man plays ‘She’s About a Mover’ again, ‘We About to Move On.’

    TURING PLAYED A MEAN KEYBOARD HIMSELF

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Fred Dicker is on to talk about New York State Politics, and the fact that Progressive New York City Mayor, Bill DeBlasio, is not ready to jump on board and endorse Hillary Clinton for President, just yet.  We get the impression that Dicker doesn’t like DeBlasio…thinks he’s the second coming of Ho Chi Minh, Mao Tse Tung, and Nikita Kruschev.   In other words… a Commie.  We just think DeBlasio prefers Taco Bell over Chipotle…and so Secretary of State Clinton’s choice of the Burrito Bowl there was disappointing to him.  Dicker thinks Chipotle’s food is too spicy, which makes his head sweat…which forces him to wipe it with a Bounty Paper Towel…because it’s ‘The Dicker Picker Upper’.

    WIPE YER MELON, FRED.  OR GO TO HARDEE’S NEXT TIME

    9:05:00 a.m  –     Warner reports that Washington Nationals starter Jordan Zimmerman got ‘Shelled’…rocked for a boatload of hits.   Zimmerman said after the game that he didn’t know where his pitches were going.  The I-Man comes up with a Home Run of a line.  “Bob Dole could pitch better.”   Yes, he probably would.  And after pitching a Perfect Game would already have the pen to sign the baseball.

    “BOB DOLE’S GONNA THROW THE HEATER…BOB DOLE’S GOING TO STRIKE THIS PUPPY OUT!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AUGIE MEYERS AND THE BOYS BELIE THEIR TEXAS ROOTS AND ATTEMPT TO PASS THEMSELVES OFF AS ‘MOPTOPS’

    BUT LEAVE IT TO TRINI LOPEZ TO BLOW THEIR COVER.

    MAKES YOU WONDER WHT HE DID TO VICKI CARR.

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XboE3_7KZ3Y