6:05:10 a.m. – The day doesn’t begin well…for Bigfoot, that is. The I-Man watched the daily ‘TIVO’ of yesterday’s program, has come to the conclusion that ‘It Might Be Elvis’ is fabulous, but the lackluster effort on the part of the TV side of the program leaves…EVERYTHING to be desired. Imus contends that if Fox isn’t going to try, he’s not going to try either. Bigfoot protests, claiming that he had a video package to go along with Dagen’s choice of Sturgill Simpson…and when the Boss asks why he didn’t show it while the song was playing, Bigfoot claims that it ‘Wouldn’t sync up.’ He then shows the ‘Video Package’. Three still photos of this goober…repeated over and over like some carousel slide show for some Kiwanis Club presentation. They were STILLS. Not like they were trying to get him to lip synch.
THERE ARE 1700 PICTURES OF STURGILL ON THE INTERNET. THESE ARE THE THREE PHOTOS THEY WENT WITH
6:06:12 a.m. – This morning, we look forward to another exciting edition of ‘Hollywood & Vine’, and both Dagen and Imogen are wearing blue. “Putting Reidel between those two is a waste”, the I-Man observes. Which, we assume, means that he believes it will look like a $#!+ sandwich on Artisan Bread.
AT THE CARNEGIE DELI, THEY CALL THIS SANDWICH ‘THE RIEDEL’
6:13:01 a.m. – The Boss observes that “There’s something funny going on with the disappearance of that Malaysian Jumbo Jet.” Wow. What an insight. You’re a regular Sherlock Home Boy, aren’t you? You got your finger right on the pulse…you’re all over this one…next thing you know you’ll maintain that O.J. is probably ‘guilty’.
HE ALSO THINKS THAT THE SITUATION IN CHECHNYA IS… ‘BAD’
6:28:46 a.m. – We learn that Trevor, one of the panelists for the new ‘Might Be Elvis’ segment won’t be available for the next installment. We need a fill in? Who could we possibly get? Who has the musical acumen and gravitas to make this segment, excuse the pun, ‘hum’. Wait a minute! We know, he’s right here! R…R…Gunz. GUNZ? @#$%ING GUNZ? That mouthbreathing dweeb’s already got TWO segments! Why not just put him on ‘Blonde on Blonde’? Okay, he’s not a woman…but just a touch more highlight in that trainwreck of a hairdo he’s got and he’s good to go. And, quite frankly, until we see a chromosome test, we’re not so sure about the former statement
GUNZ: JUST A BOTTLE OF PEROXIDE, AND HE’S GOOD TO GO
6:30:46 a.m. – The Great Oak Ridge Boys are here and start off the morning with ‘American Made’ one of their huge hits. They are only going to do hits this morning, and they are all on their new LIVE album ‘Boys Night Out’. There’s 14 of them. We hope they do a lot so we won’t have to listen to You Know Who talk about the effing Rodeo again.
DUANE, WILLIAM LEE, JOE AND RICHARD. THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN.
6:40:46 a.m. – Paul Begala, or as we affectionately refer to him, ‘Lightbulb Head’ is the guest. He and Imus have a competition to see who is the better friend of Lyle Lovett’s. “I have his email address.” “Well I have his email address.” “I’ve been to see him backstage.” “So what? I’ve been to his house.” “Well, I’ve had sex with him.” “Um…you win, I-Man.”
IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. HE’S NICE TO EVERYBODY. AND, EVEN LIKE THIS, HIS HAIR IS STILL BETTER THAN GUNZ.
7:03:15 a.m. – Dr. Bill offers to fill in for the missing Trevor for the ‘I Hope It’s Elvis’ spot. First of all, you moron, it’s ‘It Might Be Elvis’. And second of all, we already know you’d pick ‘It’s Raining Men’. For many reasons. And it’s already been a hit.
WHAT ARE THE OTHER SONGS ON YOUR LIST? BESIDES ‘SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW’? AND, WHILE WE’RE AT IT, WHO’S HANDS ARE ON YOUR SHOULDER, AND WHAT IS HE DOING THERE, BEHIND YOU?
7:12:15 a.m. – Dagen reports on record viewership for the True Detective finale. Imus calls viewers of shows like this and Breaking Bad and Walking Dead…losers. Instead he watched the SEC Track n’ Field Championships. We could understand if it was 1960, before the invention of the remote control, but…we have to say. For somebody who says he can’t breathe, it sounds like you’re doing pretty well out of your mouth.
7:17:34 a.m. – Warner reports on Barry Bonds coaching skills: “Let me show you guys how I did it….bend over.” We are shocked. Then we realize that Warner means Barry was referring to gluteal muscle steroid injections. Whew. For a minute there, we thought…oh, you don’t know what we thought.
“OOOH! IS THAT A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”
7:43:34 a.m. – “Hollywood & Vine”, or as we like to call it, ‘A Coupla White Chicks Sitting Around Trying to Get a Word In Edgewise While Michael Riedel Talks About Himself.’ It gets ugly when the topic of Lena Dunham comes up. Dagen is not a fan. Imogen defends Dunham, quoting statistics on women’s eating disorders in America. Unfortunately Lena doesn’t have one of those disorders. She’s eating Dis Order, and Dat Order. (Thanks Michael)
BUT SHE’S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY
8:05:10 a.m. – Riedel asks if he can stick around as he’s a big fan of the band. “They’re one of my favorite singing groups, The Everly Brothers.” Uhhhhh huh. Really, Riedel? You want to hear the Everly Brothers? Buy a shovel.
“WAKE UP…LITTLE MIKEY…WAKE UP…”
8:12:24 a.m. – The I-Man makes a bold statement. “If you don’t live in New York or Texas…move.” He’s referring to the fact that places like Santa Fe and Austin are unlivable, because too many people from other cities move there and ruin them. So…exploring this argument…if everybody who didn’t live in Texas or New York moved…where would they move TO? Texas or New York? And, by the way, last time we looked, Austin WAS in Texas. That would make it a little difficult to follow your rules I-Man. I think everybody should move to Central Park West. Right downstairs. In your lobby.
GREENWICH CONNECTICUT…OR BUST.
8:40:14 a.m. – The Oak Ridge Boys treat us to two more songs ‘Reach Out and Touch a Hand’, (Make A Friend If You Can) and ‘Elvira’. They also do a little A cappella version of ‘Nobody Wants To Play Rhythm Guitar Behind Jesus’, which the I-Man played back in 1975, effectively giving the Oak Ridge Boys their first real on air exposure. So he’s responsible for their being here this morning. Thank you, I-Man. If it wasn’t for you, we would’ve been playing the ‘B’ Side to that number: “Nobody Wants To Play Ocarina Behind Moses.”
THE OAK RIDGE BOYS WERE RIGHT. NOBODY IS PLAYING RHYTHM GUITAR BEHIND JESUS…WE THINK BECAUSE HIS SOLOS ALWAYS WENT WAY TOO LONG
9:05:10 A.M. – Update on Rob’s potential appearance on ‘Might Be Elvis’ this Monday. He and Gunz are to BOTH pick a song and submit them to the I-Man by 5 PM tomorrow. Then Imus will make a determination based upon their musical selection. Rob thinks he’s a lock. He’s found a song he knows the I-Man has never heard before. Mainly because it’s not Delbert, Lyle Lovett, Billy Joe Shaver or Hayes Carll. It’s this band called ‘Van Halen’. They were really big in the 80’s so it’s pretty sure the Boss won’t remember them. Most of that decade is VERY blurry.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUMP
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
THE REASON WHY DR. BILL WON’T EVER BE ON ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’:
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY…IT’S GONNA START RAINING MEN.