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    Friday
    Aug222014

    No Comment

    6:05:00 a.m. –  Imus realizes that in the first hour of the program he’s in a horrible mood, and is likely to say anything.  So this morning, the last broadcast from the ranch this year, perhaps…ever, and he is resolved to say nothing horrible between 6 and 7 A.M.  It’s a beautiful sentiment, showing true growth…introspection, leading to self-awareness, which led to a personal epiphany.

    6:05:08 a.m. –  “Shut up, Warner.”  Well, it was a lovely 8 seconds.

     

    6:06:01 a.m. – “Tony’s a skunk.” 

    WE ASSUME THE I-MAN JUST MEANT THAT TONY IS BLACK

    …WITH A ‘WHITE’ STRIPE

    6:24:52a.m. – Going into the first break, the I-Man plays Dwight Yoakum (Who’s just signed with Warner Brothers Records) with a ‘Pretty Good Record”, a cover of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Who’ll Stop the Rain.”

    DWIGHT YOAKUM (L) IN ONE OF HIS MANY MOVIE ROLES:  TYLER JACKSON, IN ‘BANDIDAS’  WE ASSUME HE GOT THE ROLE BECAUSE

    CLINT HOWARD (R) WAS BUSY

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Juan Williams is on the phone, to talk about the situation in Ferguson, Missouri. Mr. Williams says we need to have ‘An honest conversation about Race.’   Okay, if your Asian Friend says his eyes are shut because his allergies are acting up…do you say anything?  If a short black man is actually a jockey, is that a stereotype?  And if you see a Latino gentleman in front of his own 5000 square foot home, trimming his hedges…do you ask him for his business card?  And seeing as how we’re being honest here, Juan, what’s the deal with that Ron Jeremy porn mustache?   

    WE’RE NOT THAT OFFENDED THE INDIAN BOY WAS NAMED ‘HADJI’, AS MUCH AS WE WERE OFFENDED THAT JONNY’S DAD, DR. QUEST, EMPLOYED AN AMBIGUOUSLY GAY PILOT AND WHITE-HAIRED ADVENTURE COMPANION, ‘RACE’ BANNON 

    6:50:10 a.m. –  After being sidelined by a Stomach Flu, our T.V. Producer for Fox Business, Tom ‘Bigfoot’ Bowman  is back in the control room, on the edge of his seat.  Not because he’s excited about the Program, but to give him a head start when he gets a ‘Hurry Up Call’ from his digestive system.  We guess he wasn’t completely over that stomach flu after all.

    WOW.  HE MUST’VE BEEN REALLY SICK. 

    7:15:28 a.m. – The I-Man says that he’s got a radio in his truck that allows him to listen to WABC Radio from New York, and he heard a little bit of the ‘Curtis and Kuby Show’, which features the founder of the Guardian Angels, a  non-profit international volunteer organization of unarmed citizen crime patrollers,  Curtis Sliwa, and his co-host, the slightly to the left of Abby Hoffman, Ron Kuby.  The Boss pronounces that they are ‘Not bad’, although they are pretty dumb.  Not as dumb as the person sitting in the truck actually LISTENING to their show when he could be listening to ANYTHING ELSE on his Satellite Radio.

    NOT SO MUCH ‘UNRATED’ AS IT IS ‘NO RATINGS’

    7:25:42 a.m. –  Former Hell’s Angel and star of ‘Sons of Anarchy’, Chuck Zito,  apologized for some unfortunate comments he made regarding the War Machine/Christy Mac situation.  What kind of a world is this where a Hell’s Angel has to apologize for anything?  We are the ones who usually have to do the apologizing to THEM.  “I’m so sorry I was walking on your street sir…and for knocking over your motorcycle…and for saying ‘What are gonna do about it, PUSSY?’  Now, may I please have my pancreas back?”

    NICE FUR COAT, CHUCK.  ARE YOU GAY?

    (YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE WRITTEN THAT, TONY)

    7:32:34 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS begins with Imus asking Warner why, seeing as most states have legalized Marijuana, the NFL insists on maintaining its’ usage ban.  Warner notes that the players pulled over last night for D.U.I. had 20 pounds of Mary Jane in the trunk.  “That’s GRAMS, Warner” Gunz (naturally) corrects him.  Warner realizes his mistake and laughs.  There’s no way anybody could shoot up 20 pounds of Pot.

    A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO GET THE STEMS AND SEEDS THROUGH THE NEEDLE

    BUT…IN THE INTEREST OF PUBLIC SERVICE, WARNER:

      WHICH YOU WILL PROBABLY BE REALLY HUNGRY FOR, AFTER YOU SHOOT UP THAT 20 GRAMS OF MARIJUANA

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Leif Babin is here, and we have to answer for the piece of material that Tony wrote for the Godfather that, essentially,  called Leif a ‘Sissy’, because he hurt his back at the gym, thus preventing his appearance.   Tony says it wasn’t him, and that the man who really is responsible isn’t here.  But he will be back on September 8th, between 5:30 and 5:45, a.m. , with a window of opportunity of approximately three hours and fifteen minutes. 

    LEIF, ‘TALKING’ TO ROB ABOUT THAT “GODFATHER” BIT”

    8:17:16 a.m. –  The author, Douglas Brunt, or ‘Doug’ as the I-Man is on a first name basis with him, has invited The Boss to his Book Release Party.  What was he thinking?  Inviting the I-Man to…a party?  That’s like inviting Rabbi Shmuley Boteach to a Bund meeting,  Stephen Hawking to a Sadie Hawkins’ Dance, Jeffrey Dahmer to an All You Can Eat Buffet at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.  Imus says “The World is going to hell in a hand basket and you’re holding a ‘Book Party’?”  Which, in I-nacular, means ‘Regrets’.   Mr. Brunt also happens to be married to Fox News Fox Megyn Kelly.  So we can’t blame him for holding a shindig to show off the ‘Old Lady’.

    THE BRUNTS, TRYING TO CONCEAL THEIR GLEE JUST AFTER HEARING THE NEWS THAT IMUS WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THE ‘BOOK PARTY’

    8:17:14 a.m. –  Dwight Yoakum emails the I-Man and asks him to play a Paul Revere and the Raiders’ song: ‘Him or Me? (What’s It Gonna Be?)  Hey  Dwight.  Ferguson.  Beheadings.  And THIS is what’s on your mind?  

    PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS.  THEN, AND NOW. 

    OBVIOUSLY, THEY LOST THE WAR

    8:40:14 a.m. – Our favorite NAVY SEAL, actually our favorite PERSON on the planet, Leif Babin talks ‘Guns n’ Roses’.  They’re one of his favorite bands.  He thinks they need to put the nonsense aside and make another album and go back on tour.  We wholeheartedly agree.  Guns n’ Roses is the greatest contribution to Rock n’ Roll since the Beatles.  What are we saying…THE BEATLES SUCK!  Go back to England, you Limey Bastards!  Axl rules!   (The previous statements have nothing to do with the lack of oxygen one of us experienced after a certain large man employed a ‘Choke Hold’, causing unconsciousness, and a general feeling of confusion and fatigue afterwards.)

    ‘GENIUS’ IS AN OVERUSED TERM.  EXCEPT WITH THESE BRILLIANTLY TALENTED GENTLEMAN.  THEY ARE ALMOST AS AWE-INSPIRING AS LEIF BABIN. 

    WHO, BY THE WAY, SHOULD BE IN THE BAND

    (IS HE STILL LOOKING AT ME, TONY?)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    F*CK THE BEATLES!

    THIS IS GREATEST BAND IN MUSIC HISTORY

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1ZRBPA8SK0

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZY03tEIDKA

    Thursday
    Aug212014

    Tony, All By Himself

    6:05:10 a.m. – Today we will not have film legend, and Mensa Meeting panelist Alan Colmes in the 7:00 AM hour along with Bernard McGuirk, Gunz, and Deirdre Imus. Carley Shimkus is filling in for Alan, not that she could ever truly fill Alan’s shoes as he has six toes on both feet.

    ALAN COLMES.  MENSA MEETING PANELIST IN A FILM HE MADE BACK IN THE 80’S WITH WOODY ALLEN.

    6:06:12a.m. – … but first, former child star Bret Baier will be on at 6:35. 


     

    BRET BAIER’S DEBUT AS ‘MIKEY’ IN THE LIFE CEREAL COMMERCIAL, ( L) AND AS HE IS NOW, AS A FOX NEWS ANCHOR ( R )  HE LIKES IT!!!

    6:07:14 a.m. – It appears as if the I-Man is having another Bad Hair Day.  REALLY Bad Hair Day. He notes that none of the dogs here at the ranch comb their hair. What?? “ Um…their coats” “I look just like them, but I don’t do the stuff they do”. Well that’s a comfort. Glad to know that you’re not going around sniffing stranger’s butts. Although we do imagine that Deidre has had to hit you on the nose with a newspaper on more than one occasion for peeing on the floor, and trying to hump her leg.

    Imus wearing what Mr. Pierre at the salon calls “The Great Pyrenees”

    6:26:52a.m. – The I-Man throws Joe Beaver and Mike Arnold under the bus for getting him all jacked up on “Johnny Football”. The Boss hasn’t had a bigger crush on a man since he was a young Marine getting a lip lock on a transvestite. To be fair, the transvestite also had huge hands just like Johnny Manziel….and an adam’s apple  just like Johnny Manziel…and a big ….well you get the point.

    No I’m not a quarterback big fella but I do have a Tight End

    6:40:08 a.m. –  I-Fave Bret Baier is on to discuss the ISIS crisis in Iraq and the situation in Ferguson, Missouri. Imus notes that Bret seems to be distracted as though he was “watching Fox and Friends, and trying to talk to the I-Man at the same time. Well in all fairness Mr. Baeir’s TV is on and tuned to Fox Business. Let’s just say that without hair, and make-up the Boss’ appearance can be ….well.. Distracting.

    Hey Bret, Hellooooo, get with the program. You’re just dead this morning

    7:05:28 a.m. – The I-Man is jacked up about Little League sensation Mo’ne Davis. Warner observes that the thirteen year-old will be going through pooberty. Oh yes pooberty that time when a young man , or a young wo….Wait a minute…did you say Pooberty Warner? We’re not all that familiar with that area of biology. We guess pooberty is that awkward stage when young people start to change, and find themselves sexually attracted to their Winnie The Pooh stuffed animals. These sexual urges sometimes lead to young men waking in the middle of the night to change the sheets. That’s so that they can get the stuffing off of them. Nothing says I’m becoming a man like a defiled Pooh Bear. 

    So you really like honey huh Pooh Bear? I think I know where you can find some

    7:41:24 a.m. – The Mensa meeting begins contentiously as Imus asserts that there wasn’t mental capacity in entire group combined to actually qualify for admission to the Mensa Society. Well maybe they could, but Gunz’ negative 73 I.Q. ruins the curve for everyone else. One of the topic questions is, “What is the worst thing you’ve ever done to get out of a date?” Bernie replies that he once told a young woman that he couldn’t go because it was his wife’s birthday. Gunz says that he met someone for dinner at The Olive Garden, and she didn’t look anything like her pictures so excused himself to the bathroom and left. You can imagine how awkward it was when he ran into her sneaking out into the parking lot tearing up that picture of Zach Efron Gunz  posted on his dating profile over his name.

     

    Gunz                             Not Gunz

    7:49:24 a.m. – “Hey Deirdre you are looking pretty good this morning.” We agree! I-Man. Imus: “It’s hard to believe that you’re 50.”  We agree!  Deirdre: “It’s hard to believe you’re 90”.  We…Um…Deidre …..It’s not really all that hard

    Well Truth Be Told Imus Doesn’t Look a Day Over 89 ½

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man has a bit of good news. Show fave Leslie Slender, WABC’s great promotions director, just got a promotion. No, she wasn’t the 77th caller to the station, she got a job promotion.  There’s no job title yet, however Leslie’s new duties will include leading a team of individuals to help Cumulus Media generate non-traditional revenue. That sounds great. We, however, have no idea what that means. Exactly what type of “non-traditional” revenue are we talking because we know some people looking to move some ..um.. South American pharmaceuticals that could be looking for an investor.  We hope Leslie isn’t going to hire a bunch of male strippers, and open a series of cabaret clubs called Magic Mics ( See what we did there? ) Mics?? Because…it’s broadcasting. Hiring male strippers would definitely be thinking outside of the box. Oh snap, we did it again. See…because they’re male strippers and they don’t have a b…..oh never mind. Good luck in your new position Leslie.

     

    Hey Ladies Come A Little Closer We Want To Do Something Non-Traditional

    8:17:16 a.m. – The Boss wishes that Mo’ne Davis and her Philadelphia team were in a Mike Lupica book. That way when little Mo’ne gets taken out of the game the kid that everyone teased, and made fun of could come in to save the game, and be the hero. The coach would send Little “Bobby Jew” into the game. What? I meant “Bobby Sue”. Oh that’s different. “Rabbi Schlomo goes to the bullpen. It looks like he wants the right hander …Little Bobby Jew. Bobby Jew goes into the wind-up…. it’s a 90 MPH fastball, ….but for you….. he’ll let it go for 67 MPH.”

    Little Bobby Warms Up

    8:43:14 a.m. –  N.Y. Congressman Peter King is on to discuss world affairs, and says that he’s thinking about running for president. An incredulous I-Man asks the congressman, “how many people have asked you to run?” King says that he was at a Mets game, and a lot of people there asked him to run. That’s probably because they wanted Peter to get back with their hot dogs before they got cold. Jesus. Larry King will be President before Peter is. Don King, could have B.B. King as his running mate and get elected before this goober. Thanks for the yucks Congressman.

    Another King Who Will Be President Before Peter

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In Honor Of Our Friend Leslie Slender’s New Gig We Offer Some Non-traditional Food For Thought.

    Channing Tatum As Magic Mike

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbIvOf0Xmzo

    Comment from the I-Man: Tony wrote this one all by himself. Very clever and amusing. By himself....Tony wrote the blog today without lard ass butting in with unfunny sh*t...you know like that Dice Clay lame bit. Kudos to TONY. Misspelled Deurdre's name. See what I did there.

    Wednesday
    Aug202014

    Unfunny

    6:05:10 a.m. –  Shooter Jennings and the Band are here this morning.  And the I-Man says he’s going to let him sing.  Because there’s no point in having Shooter Jennings on unless you’re going to let him sing.  The News Sucks, The Sports sucks, Everybody and EveryTHING sucks.  Might as well just have Shooter sing all morning.  He could probably do it, too.  AND the band.  They seem to have a lot of energy for folks who have been up for the last 3 days, but then again, ‘Musicians lead complicated lives.’  

    SHOOTER JENNINGS.  PUTTING THE ‘O’ BACK IN COUNTRY

    6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man catches a glimpse of himself in the monitor, and notices that he’s having a bad hair day, which is a relative term, especially when you consider that he hasn’t combed it  all summer.  Today, however, it is particularly ‘Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty’.  (From the Original Cast Recording of ‘Hair’)

    ART GARFUNKEL CALLED. AT FIRST, HE WANTED HIS HAIR BACK.  NOW, HE’S NOT TOO SURE

    6:17:39 a.m. –  Dagen reports that the acts who are to play at the Super Bowl halftime show may have to PAY to perform.  Among those being considered on the short list for next year’s game are Rihanna, Katy Perry…and Coldplay.  COLDPLAY?  COLDF*CKINGPLAY?   I-Man remarks, “How far down on the list do you have to go before you get to Coldplay?”   Well, Carol Channing entertained during Superbowl IV, and the only way they could top that was to have the Whitest Singers in Captivity, ‘Up With People’, who did it FIVE TIMES.  But when you compare them to other SuperBowl Halftime Show Headliners like N’Sync, The Black Eyed Peas and Boys II Men, we think we’d probably prefer ‘Up With People’.   

    “AND NOW, OUR TRIBUTE TO ‘TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN’!!!!!”

    6:18:36 a.m. –  The Boss says that he’s out of it this morning, because he spent all evening ready the ‘Unauthorized’ biography of Axl Rose.  Well that makes sens….WHAT?  Is he serious?  The Unauthorized Biography of Axl Rose?  Guess it’s better than the “Unauthorized AUTO Biography”.  But that would suggest that Mr. Rose didn’t give himself permission to write about himself.  Which is a moot point anyway, as we’re relatively sure Axl is illiterate.  Which means he’s 52 but he reads at a 9 Month Old’s level.

    AXL ROSE…LOOKS LIKE HE’S GONNA BE ‘KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVEN’S DOOR’ BEFORE THE WEEKEND’S OUT.  ONE THING’S FOR SURE: HE’S GOT AN ‘APPETITE’ FOR MORE THAN JUST ‘DESTRUCTION’

    6:26:40 a.m. –  Bernie’s Briefing includes a story about Cindy Crawford taking her kids out of school after testing revealed that the infrastructure has high levels of polychlorinated biphenyls, or PCB’s, which are VERY toxic.  (As opposed to the highly toxic levels found on the bugs jumping off of Cindy’s former husband, Richard Gere, the gerbil-lover)  Imus, however, hears ‘Cindy Crawford’ as ‘Cindy Lauper’.  Which is troubling to say the least.  We already know he’s deaf.  Maybe he’s blind as well?

    OH YEAH, THAT’S AN EASY MISTAKE.   

    6:30:52a.m. –  Shooter sings for the first time.  It’s a song off his new EP, a tribute to George Jones.  This one is ‘Don’t Wait Up  (I’m Playing Possum)’   When you get to thinking about it, you probably shouldn’t  wait up for ol’ George.  We don’t think he’s just ‘playin’ possum’.   If he is, he’s been playing it for a little over a year now.  Which isn’t all that easy when you have six feet of dirt on top of you.

    THE LATE GEORGE JONES.  WELL, HE’S NOT LATE, HE AIN’T SHOWIN’ UP.   SEE…HE’S NOT COMPOSING…HE’S DECOMPOSING.

    6:40:08 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on, to discuss ISIS and the increasing tensions in the Middle East.  She says that she meets the most intelligent, interesting, and engaging people in the Green Room.  We thank her for her kind words as she leaves, then says, “Not you two fat assh*les.  I meant Shooter and the Band.”    Thanks, Grandma.

     

    K.T. WHEN SHE FIRST CAME TO FOX ( L )  AND AS SHE IS TODAY ( R )

    7:07:28 a.m. – Connell reports on the situation in Ferguson, and is confused as to what to call it.  Is it an altercation?  Is it a confrontation?  He tells the audience ‘You decide’.   The I-Man says that McShane shouldn’t put the onus on us.  That’s HIS job.  Imus doesn’t want to have to decide.  So just tell him what the deal is and he’ll go with that. The Boss compares this shirking of responsibility to when, at a concert, the singer holds the microphone out to the audience to have them sing.  Hey, motherf*cker, we paid to hear YOU sing.  Don’t be getting us involved.  Of course, when at a Miley Cyrus concert, one should take EVERY opportunity to sing, just to keep her from doing so. 

    IN BRUCE’S CASE…IT’S BECAUSE HE’S FORGOTTEN THE LYRICS

    7:28:42 a.m. –   Deirdre brings the I-Man a cold baked potato for breakfast.  Imus feigns surprise, and then irritation, when, in fact, she’s just being romantic.  On their first date, the Boss had one stuffed down in his Wrangler Jeans.  Unfortunately, he didn’t know it was supposed to go in the front.

    “HOLY IDAHO, BATMAN!  IS THAT A SPUD IN YOUR TIGHTS, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE CATWOMAN?”

    7:32:34 a.m. – Shooter sings George Jones’ ‘The Door’.  It’s actually better than the George Jones’ version.  At least the version he does now.  Which is virtually unlistenable.  Well, not virtually…it’s ACTUALLY unlistenable.  Because the lid on the box has been screwed shut.

    “LORD, NOTHING HAS EVER HURT ME MORE THAN THAT LONELY SOUND,  THE CLOSING OF THE DOOR”

    GOOD.  GET OUT.  AND STAY OUT 

    7:41:24 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE – It starts off contentiously with an argument over shoe size, and then degenerates to a discussion of ‘The Nutri-Bullet’, which does to food what your teeth can’t do.  Which, in the I-Man’s case, would be…chew anything tougher than tapioca puddin’.  Then they talk about SeaWorld not releasing the whales.  Deirdre, of course, environmentalist and animal lover that she is, thinks they definitely should.  Lis disagrees, saying that it’s just like zoos, SeaWorld is a place where people can go see the critters.  Deirdre says to Lis, “I hope Shamu eats you!”    As Imus notes, we…um…don’t want to go ‘there’.

    “HEY LADY, THOSE LITTLE FISH AIN’T GONNA DO IT.   COME A LITTLE CLOSER I WANT TO TELL YOU A SECRET.”

    8:26:16 a.m. –  The Cindy Crawford story is brought up again.  Deirdre complains that Cindy is late to the party, there’s been PCB’s in Malibu for years.  Right.  Imus agrees.  “She should take the caulk out, right Deirdre?”  he asks her on camera.  She concurs.  “Yes, take the caulk out.”   Which is a phrase that Deidre hasn’t uttered to Imus for years.

    SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF A STICKY SUBSTANCE

    8:27:14 a.m. –  Shooter plays the classic George Jones’ hit ‘If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me.’   Which, fortunately, it didn’t do to the I-Man. 

    8:40:14 a.m. – Shooter plays ‘She Thinks I Still Care’.  Which, unfortunately, we don’t.  At least when it comes to George Jones.  However…

    8:53:11 a.m. – Shooter does an original tune, ‘Livin’ in a Minor Key’, which holds up against all the George Jones songs he’s played all morning, in fact, it’s arguably much better than any of Jones’, and is the I-Man’s favorite on Shooter’s new EP, ‘Don’t Wait Up.’  When it comes to the I-Man, he’s not living in a minor key, it’s a Seventh Flat Nine Subdominant Chord.   Which is Major.

     

    YOU CAN MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH A ‘SUB’ AND A ‘DOMINANT’ AS LONG AS THEY BOTH AGREE ON A SAFE WORD.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    CATCH THE LOVE WAVE!  ‘ UP WITH PEOPLE’, SUPERBOWL XVI

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4mTTigqTSA

     

    Comments From the I-Man: Rob and Tony have 4 hours to write down what happened on the program. Is that what they do? No, of course not...they write down what they 'think' happened on the program and then...oh this is where it really gets great...and then they add stuff that they think is funny. They had four hours to open their fu*king mics and say something, actually anything, funny and of course, did not. No...they take things that were funny on the program and make then 'unfu*kingfunny' in their stupid blog. And could they suck up to Shooter enough? 

    Monday
    Aug182014

    Reasonable

    6:05:10 a.m. –  Warner is reluctant to pick who he believes will be the Browns’ Quarterback this season.  The I-Man is firmly ensconced in Johnny Football’s camp, while Warner remains in ‘Undecided’s’ camp.  After some prodding, Warner admits there is a 60% chance that it will be Manziel.  Which is about as often as Warner is correct.  However, that percentage diminishes greatly when it comes to his prowess in predicting the NFL games.  Last year, Warner finished behind a Feces Throwing Monkey named BoBo who successfully chose Indianapolis over Kansas City while taking The Seahawks and giving the points in the Super Bowl.

    JOHNNY, WARNER HARDLY KNEW YE

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Connell reports that they didn’t give David Gregory a chance to say ‘Goodbye’ on his final ‘Meet the Press’.  Imus says that David is a “Dick with a Capital ‘D’.”   We always thought he was a ‘Douchebag with a Capital D’.  NBC, however, DID say ‘Goodbye’ to HIM..  In a written message.  On a pink slip.  “Dear Mr. Gregory, please be advised that after your Broadcast of August 18th 2014, you will ‘Get the F*ck out.’” 

    DAVID GREGORY ( L ) ON HIS LAST DAY ON ‘MEET THE PRESS’  COINCIDENTALLY, IT WAS ALSO ‘BINGO’ THE ORANGUTANG’S ( R ) LAST DAY AT THE NATIONAL ZOO

    6:20:52a.m. – Imus asks Dagen who won the Car Race yesterday, and she reports it was Jeff Gordon, number 24.  She says “The Little Man is gettin’ it done.”  We hope she is referring to his height.

    JEFF GORDON AND HIS WIFE:  (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

     “I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO WEAR YOUR HEELS”

    6:22:44a.m. –  Warner reports that four of Notre Dame’s Football Players were suspended for cheating.  Apparently, the four ‘Fighting Irish’ turned in papers that had indications that they belonged to someone else.  Like…having the wrong names at the top.  And the footnotes credited facts taken off a Snapple Cap.

    IBID.

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is irritate-atated, about Jesse Jackson going to Ferguson, Missouri, when people are getting shot in Chicago where he lives.  But maybe that’s why Jesse got out of town in the first place. 

    “WHO’S THAT DUDE UP THERE ON THE FIRE ESCAPE?  I’M OUTTA HERE.  SMELL YA LATER, I’M GOING TO MISSOURI”

    6:44:28 a.m. – Bo also sticks up for Rick Perry, after the Texas Governor was indicted for abuse of power for attempting to remove Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg from office after she was arrested for driving while intoxicated last year.  Bo says that she was so drunk, they had to put a ‘Puke-a-Tational Mask on the Old Bag’s head’ Maybe the bag wasn’t a vomit deterrent.  Maybe it was just a public service, in an attempt to beautify Texas.

    ROSEMARY LEHMBERG.  WE’RE SHOCKED THAT SHE WOULD PLEAD GUILTY.  DESPITE THE VIDEO FOOTAGE, SHE DIDN’T LOOK ANY MORE INEBRIATED THAN GOVERNOR RICK PERRY WHEN HE COULDN’T REMEMBER THOSE ‘3 THINGS’ AT THE DEBATE

    7:05:28 a.m. – I-Man reports that when he arrived at the studio, Glen, the cameraman out at the Ranch, said “You’ve got something on your lip and your chin.”  We would assume it was Oatmeal.  Turns out it was toothpaste.  But at least the Boss brushes his teeth.  You just would’ve thought he’d rinse them before putting them back in his mouth so he didn’t look like a Mad Dog.

    EITHER DAGEN OR DELBERT, ONE OF THE GREAT PYRENEES AT THE RANCH, IN A SHOW OF SOLIDARITY FOR THE I-MAN

    7:19:38 a.m. –  Dagen talks about the upcoming ‘It Might Be Elvis’, disparaging the I-Man’s song choices, wondering whether or not the panel will have to listen to songs that have already been hits, that Imus has just discovered.  The Boss mentions that he has Vince Gill on the list.  Yes, we all love Vince Gill.  A very talented man, and a beautiful human being.  But Dagen’s philosophy is that “Even the Great Vince Gill can record a ‘clunker.’   We’re not sure we agree.  Unless he did a cover of Sir Mix A Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’.  Which, by the way, we believe he’d ‘Make his own.’  However, if he used his wife, Amy Grant in the video…that might not be such a good idea.

    VINCE GILL: HE LIKES BIG BUTTS AND HE CANNOT LIE

    7:41:24 a.m. – IT MIGHT BE ELVIS   Today’s musical offerings include Smokey Robinson and Steven Tyler doing an old Miracles cover, Shooter Jennings with a George Jones Cover, the aforementioned Vince Gill,  and Kid Rock’s ‘Chicken in the Pen’ which will be going on the Power Rotation list regardless of what the panel thinks.  A decision with which, we happen to agree.  There is nothing to be said about the ‘Ringer’ tune,  the Veggie Tales’ version of ‘I Got the Joy Joy Joy Joy Down in My Heart’.   Other than that anthropomorphic singing cucumber needs to have his green ass turned into an effing pickle.

    CUCUMBER AND TOMATO, THE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL OF CHILDREN’S CHRISTIAN MUSIC.  IF YOU’VE NEVER THOUGHT OF VEGETARIANISM BEFORE, YOU WILL NOW. IF ONLY JUST TO EAT THESE ANNOYING LITTLE BASTARDS TO SHUT THEM UP

    8:06:32 a.m. – There’s a dispute over what Browns’ coach Mike Pettine said regarding who will be the starting Quarterback this season.  The I-Man wants to see Videotape so he can see exactly what coach Pettine said, and somehow, the conversation turns to Andre the Giant.  We don’t know how we got there, but, it WAS Warner, after all.  And he’s used to going to work and home…and not knowing exactly how he got there.  He shares that he was FRIENDS with Andre the Giant.  We’re not sure how they wound up being friends…unless there was a pouch of Magic Beans in the mix somewhere, but, regardless, Bigfoot has footage of Andre, lifting Warner as if he was a hand puppet.  Of course that Videotape he could find.

    WARNER AND HIS FRIEND, ANDRE THE GIANT.  WHO, WE NEVER KNEW, WAS A VENTRILOQUIST

    8:17:16 a.m. –  Ed Henry, Fox’s White House Correspondent, is here, he says, for the ‘Imus Tribute’.  After listening to last week’s broadcasts, Mr. Henry believed the I-Man had fluffed his My Pillow for the last time before taking his eternal ‘Dirt Nap’. 

    ED WAS INCONSOLABLE…WHEN HE FOUND OUT THAT THE I-MAN WAS STILL ALIVE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Ed Henry starts his segment by saying that he was honored to be a part of the ‘Imus Tribute’.  He assumed that what he saw this morning of the I-Man out at the Ranch was ‘File Footage’.   Ha Ha.  Oh, that old gag.  Stick to asking Ed Schultz where the President is going on vacation, okay, Howdy Doody?   Still, Mr. Henry is better than Chuck Todd.  Which isn’t saying much.  If you put all the NBC News Correspondents on a wheel, and spun it, and it landed on Chuck Todd, you’d want to spin it again.

    WHEEL!  OF!  TORTURE!

    9:04:08 -  Connell does the local news on the radio, and the control booth catches him in the monitor.  For second Warner thinks he’s having a flashback after taking that brown acid back at Woodstock.

    CONNELL…HE COULD EASILY BE LIVING IN AN ALTERNATE, MICROSCOPIC UNIVERSE UNDER WARNER’S THUMBNAIL

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE’RE NOT RICK PERRY FANS, (BECAUSE WE ARE EVER-LOYAL TO KINKY)

    BUT THIS GIRL DIDN’T JUST HAVE A COUPLA COCKTAILS, SHE IS, OFFICIALLY, ‘TORE UP FROM THE FLOOR UP.’

      

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-bj-BLTRRo 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7y7oJ266qI 

     

    Comments from the I-Man:

    A reasonably fine effort from Rob and Tony. No mistakes, no mis-spellings, no yuks.

    Friday
    Aug152014

    The Fat, Fifty-Year-Old Losers

    6:05:10 a.m. – In light of the I-Man’s pithy remarks and insightful observations in his commentary at the end of yesterday’s blog, here we are, your two favorite  ‘Fat, Fifty-Year-Old Losers’, rarin’ to go, to bring the insincerity!  We would like to take this time tell you how much we appreciate and cherish all of you who read ‘R&T’s Behind the Scenes Blog’.  You mean more to us than life itself, and we’re not just saying that.  We’re writing it as well.

    BOY, WE GOT THAT NEEDLE PEGGED THIS MORNING

    6:10:14 a.m. – “I’ve determined that I now…not that any of you bastards care…I have some kind of VIRUS.”   Chicken Pox?  The Mumps?  Herpes?

    ROB, OBVIOUSLY CONCERNED, CONSOLES THE ILLIN’ I-MAN

    6:18:52 a.m. – The I-Man says that he watched a little bit of Robin Williams’ ‘Live at the Met’ special from HBO, and Warner shares that he was actually AT that show.  He and his wife went backstage, and was surprised when Robin said ‘Mr. Wolf, I saw you there in the second row.’  Surprised?  Really, Warner?  You weren’t seeing Stevie Wonder or Jose Feliciano.  Although, we are actually surprised Robin saw you behind whoever was sitting in front of you in the first row.

    UNFORTUNATELY, THE MET DOESN’T HAVE BOOSTER SEATS

    6:40:08 a.m. – Fox News Anchor, Martha MaCallum, is here to bring her perspective to the headline issues.  We would weigh in with our perspective on what a fine-lookin’ woman she is, but we won’t, because we are professionals.  As Karl Childers would say, ‘Some people call her ‘Smokin’ Hot’, I call her ‘A Woman Who Looks Better Than Biscuits and Mustard’

    MARTHA N’ KARL.  AND THEY SAID IT WOULDN’T LAST…

    7:05:28 a.m. – The Boss read the Blog yesterday, and watched the Video of the Day, which, loyal readers know, was Admiral William McCraven’s Commencement Address at the University of Texas Graduation Ceremony this year.  Wow!  The I-Man reads the blog!  Wait a second… oh yeah.  SH**!  The I-Man reads the blog…  

    THE BOSS READS HIS SIGNED, FIRST EDITION OF THE OLD TESTAMENT

    7:10:42 a.m. – Connell announces that Chuck Todd will be replacing David Gregory on ‘Meet the Press’, (something that NBC was denying up until even LAST WEEK)  The Boss says that Chuck looks like a Porn Producer.  Which, considering David Gregory, is a step up, as he looks like Howdy Doody.

    DAVID CAN NOW MOVE ON TO BECOME A ‘REAL LIVE BOY’

    WE KNEW AL GOLDSTEIN.  AL GOLDSTEIN WAS A FRIEND OF OURS.  YOU, CHUCK, ARE NO AL GOLDSTEIN

    7:18:34 a.m. – Imus tells us that, yesterday, when he wasn’t feeling well, Deirdre rubbed Essential Oils on his belly and feet.  Two hours later, he felt considerably better.  This revelation went relatively unnoticed by the staff, as we were all losing our respective breakfasts, imagining Deirdre rubbing oil on his belly and feet.

    EWWWW…

    7:32:34 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS – There is a little tension between Nat and Gunz, The I-Man notices this, and tells our cuddly Stage Manager Candido, that he’s ‘Not a big star like Gunz.’  Nat counters that the I-Man doesn’t promote him the same way he promotes Gunz.  Well, there’s a very good reason for that, Nat.  The I-Man doesn’t have a crush on you.

    GUNZ N’ THE I-MAN.   AND THEY SAID IT WOULDN’T LAST…

    8:06:32 a.m. – The Beach Boys are outside in the Plaza here at The News Corp Building, performing live on Fox n’ Friends.  The I-Man says we now HATE the Beach Boys after they kicked Brian Wilson out of the group.  Everybody seems angry about it except, for some reason, Brian, himself.  Maybe he doesn’t know he’s been fired and thinks he’s still with the band, and plays with them every night in the sandbox in his living room.

    BRIAN’S  GETTING SOME GOOD VIBRATIONS OFF THE DUNES NEXT TO HIS BARCALOUNGER

    ALTHOUGH, HE STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY HIS PIANO SHRUNK

    8:12:16 a.m. – Dagen announces that people are HATING the new Facebook Messenger App.  Of course they do.  Because now, when some mouth breathing A-Hole posts something inane, you can be alerted on your phone, right in the middle of your very important business meeting.  Because said mouth breather obviously believes that it was urgent you see the Cell Phone Photo he took of the Waffles he had for breakfast.

    "HEY”  “Hey” 

    “WANNA SEE A PICTURE OF MY CAT?” “No” 

    “WHY NOT?”   “Because I have a life you assho…”

    (He didn’t hit ‘send’ yet)

    8:18:36 a.m. –  Gunz and Warner don’t know who’s playing NFL Football tonight.  Well, that’s okay, a LOT of people don’t know who’s playing tonight…wait a second. What?  They’re sports reporters?   Oh.  Right.  Well then…

    DEAF, DUMB & BLIND

    BUT EVEN THEY  KNEW THERE WERE NFL GAMES ON TONIGHT

    8:40:14 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS PART DEUX.  Nat still thinks this is serious.  Meanwhile, Gunz thinks ‘Deux’ is the French spelling of ‘Ducks’.  The I-Man brings up the August 23rd Cleveland Sports Spectacular when The Browns will play the Rams, the Indians will play the Astros, and the Gladiators will play the Rattlers.  Wow, what a decision to make!  Either watch any of these three games or swallow some barbed wire and drink a gallon of bleach.  It’s a jump ball.  Too bad the Cavs aren’t playing. 

    ARENA FOOTBALL:  MADLYN MURRAY O’HAIR’S PROOF THAT THERE IS NO GOD

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE ONLY SPORTS TEAM WE WOULD EVER CONSIDER WATCHING IN CLEVELAND WOULD BE THESE GUYS:

      

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utfkOFia0wE 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gndH9mhHPk0 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwB3baEl0pM

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9myYc8Pn8o 

     

    Corrections and comments from the I-Man:

    6:05:10 AM – Oh this is sooooo funny.

    6:18:52 AM – Great way to mangle what was a fairly funny observation that I initially made. Unfunnyfu*kingthieves. Dumb bastards.

    7:32:34 AM – Gunz is better than Rob AND Tony. And Nat is a fat, hairy moose.