6:05:00 a.m. – Imus realizes that in the first hour of the program he’s in a horrible mood, and is likely to say anything. So this morning, the last broadcast from the ranch this year, perhaps…ever, and he is resolved to say nothing horrible between 6 and 7 A.M. It’s a beautiful sentiment, showing true growth…introspection, leading to self-awareness, which led to a personal epiphany.
6:05:08 a.m. – “Shut up, Warner.” Well, it was a lovely 8 seconds.
6:06:01 a.m. – “Tony’s a skunk.”
WE ASSUME THE I-MAN JUST MEANT THAT TONY IS BLACK
…WITH A ‘WHITE’ STRIPE
6:24:52a.m. – Going into the first break, the I-Man plays Dwight Yoakum (Who’s just signed with Warner Brothers Records) with a ‘Pretty Good Record”, a cover of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Who’ll Stop the Rain.”
DWIGHT YOAKUM (L) IN ONE OF HIS MANY MOVIE ROLES: TYLER JACKSON, IN ‘BANDIDAS’ WE ASSUME HE GOT THE ROLE BECAUSE
CLINT HOWARD (R) WAS BUSY
6:40:08 a.m. – Juan Williams is on the phone, to talk about the situation in Ferguson, Missouri. Mr. Williams says we need to have ‘An honest conversation about Race.’ Okay, if your Asian Friend says his eyes are shut because his allergies are acting up…do you say anything? If a short black man is actually a jockey, is that a stereotype? And if you see a Latino gentleman in front of his own 5000 square foot home, trimming his hedges…do you ask him for his business card? And seeing as how we’re being honest here, Juan, what’s the deal with that Ron Jeremy porn mustache?
WE’RE NOT THAT OFFENDED THE INDIAN BOY WAS NAMED ‘HADJI’, AS MUCH AS WE WERE OFFENDED THAT JONNY’S DAD, DR. QUEST, EMPLOYED AN AMBIGUOUSLY GAY PILOT AND WHITE-HAIRED ADVENTURE COMPANION, ‘RACE’ BANNON
6:50:10 a.m. – After being sidelined by a Stomach Flu, our T.V. Producer for Fox Business, Tom ‘Bigfoot’ Bowman is back in the control room, on the edge of his seat. Not because he’s excited about the Program, but to give him a head start when he gets a ‘Hurry Up Call’ from his digestive system. We guess he wasn’t completely over that stomach flu after all.
WOW. HE MUST’VE BEEN REALLY SICK.
7:15:28 a.m. – The I-Man says that he’s got a radio in his truck that allows him to listen to WABC Radio from New York, and he heard a little bit of the ‘Curtis and Kuby Show’, which features the founder of the Guardian Angels, a non-profit international volunteer organization of unarmed citizen crime patrollers, Curtis Sliwa, and his co-host, the slightly to the left of Abby Hoffman, Ron Kuby. The Boss pronounces that they are ‘Not bad’, although they are pretty dumb. Not as dumb as the person sitting in the truck actually LISTENING to their show when he could be listening to ANYTHING ELSE on his Satellite Radio.
NOT SO MUCH ‘UNRATED’ AS IT IS ‘NO RATINGS’
7:25:42 a.m. – Former Hell’s Angel and star of ‘Sons of Anarchy’, Chuck Zito, apologized for some unfortunate comments he made regarding the War Machine/Christy Mac situation. What kind of a world is this where a Hell’s Angel has to apologize for anything? We are the ones who usually have to do the apologizing to THEM. “I’m so sorry I was walking on your street sir…and for knocking over your motorcycle…and for saying ‘What are gonna do about it, PUSSY?’ Now, may I please have my pancreas back?”
NICE FUR COAT, CHUCK. ARE YOU GAY?
(YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE WRITTEN THAT, TONY)
7:32:34 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS begins with Imus asking Warner why, seeing as most states have legalized Marijuana, the NFL insists on maintaining its’ usage ban. Warner notes that the players pulled over last night for D.U.I. had 20 pounds of Mary Jane in the trunk. “That’s GRAMS, Warner” Gunz (naturally) corrects him. Warner realizes his mistake and laughs. There’s no way anybody could shoot up 20 pounds of Pot.
A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO GET THE STEMS AND SEEDS THROUGH THE NEEDLE
BUT…IN THE INTEREST OF PUBLIC SERVICE, WARNER:
WHICH YOU WILL PROBABLY BE REALLY HUNGRY FOR, AFTER YOU SHOOT UP THAT 20 GRAMS OF MARIJUANA
8:06:32 a.m. – Leif Babin is here, and we have to answer for the piece of material that Tony wrote for the Godfather that, essentially, called Leif a ‘Sissy’, because he hurt his back at the gym, thus preventing his appearance. Tony says it wasn’t him, and that the man who really is responsible isn’t here. But he will be back on September 8th, between 5:30 and 5:45, a.m. , with a window of opportunity of approximately three hours and fifteen minutes.
LEIF, ‘TALKING’ TO ROB ABOUT THAT “GODFATHER” BIT”
8:17:16 a.m. – The author, Douglas Brunt, or ‘Doug’ as the I-Man is on a first name basis with him, has invited The Boss to his Book Release Party. What was he thinking? Inviting the I-Man to…a party? That’s like inviting Rabbi Shmuley Boteach to a Bund meeting, Stephen Hawking to a Sadie Hawkins’ Dance, Jeffrey Dahmer to an All You Can Eat Buffet at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. Imus says “The World is going to hell in a hand basket and you’re holding a ‘Book Party’?” Which, in I-nacular, means ‘Regrets’. Mr. Brunt also happens to be married to Fox News Fox Megyn Kelly. So we can’t blame him for holding a shindig to show off the ‘Old Lady’.
THE BRUNTS, TRYING TO CONCEAL THEIR GLEE JUST AFTER HEARING THE NEWS THAT IMUS WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THE ‘BOOK PARTY’
8:17:14 a.m. – Dwight Yoakum emails the I-Man and asks him to play a Paul Revere and the Raiders’ song: ‘Him or Me? (What’s It Gonna Be?) Hey Dwight. Ferguson. Beheadings. And THIS is what’s on your mind?
PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS. THEN, AND NOW.
OBVIOUSLY, THEY LOST THE WAR
8:40:14 a.m. – Our favorite NAVY SEAL, actually our favorite PERSON on the planet, Leif Babin talks ‘Guns n’ Roses’. They’re one of his favorite bands. He thinks they need to put the nonsense aside and make another album and go back on tour. We wholeheartedly agree. Guns n’ Roses is the greatest contribution to Rock n’ Roll since the Beatles. What are we saying…THE BEATLES SUCK! Go back to England, you Limey Bastards! Axl rules! (The previous statements have nothing to do with the lack of oxygen one of us experienced after a certain large man employed a ‘Choke Hold’, causing unconsciousness, and a general feeling of confusion and fatigue afterwards.)
‘GENIUS’ IS AN OVERUSED TERM. EXCEPT WITH THESE BRILLIANTLY TALENTED GENTLEMAN. THEY ARE ALMOST AS AWE-INSPIRING AS LEIF BABIN.
WHO, BY THE WAY, SHOULD BE IN THE BAND
(IS HE STILL LOOKING AT ME, TONY?)
VIDEO OF THE DAY
F*CK THE BEATLES!
THIS IS GREATEST BAND IN MUSIC HISTORY