6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man starts the morning gleefully, noting that “Northern Ohio is on FIRE! They had lights, 100 foot Billboards, it was the hottest priced ticket for a Cleveland Sports event! Of course, it was due to LeBron James’ eagerly anticipated and long –awaited return to the Cavs after leaving the Heat. And what happened? New York gave them an ass-whuppin! “There is nothing better than that!” he gloats. “The best part is they always take a shot of crowd with some grown man blubbering.”
LEBRON WASN’T THE ONLY ONE CRYING
6:07:14 a.m. – Imus reports that during the OTHER big sporting events yesterday, the Carolina Panthers played the New Orleans Saints, and Brant, the I-Man’s Driver, revealed that his sister and brother – law drove from South Carolina to North Carolina to go to the game. We’re just glad they made it there on time after they took the shortcut Brant recommended that goes through Vermont.
THE BRANT ‘SHORTCUT’. THE GAME WAS LAST NIGHT. THEY LEFT ON SUNDAY. IF IT WASN’T FOR THE FERRY, THEY MIGHT NOT HAVE MADE IT
6:38:08 a.m. – Martha McCallum is on to discuss next week’s mid-term elections, and the I-Man expresses his severe disgust with Mitch O’Connell. She counters with “I thought he’d be a candidate that you’d like…he’s such an animated speaker.”
MITCH MCCONNELL. THE MODEL FOR THE MONSTER IN “PAN’S LABYRYNTH”
6:54:10 a.m. – Imus is not happy with Dagen’s dress this morning. It’s a fashionable frock featuring two slits over each leg, leaving a pointed piece of black fabric in the middle.
YOU GET THE BASIC IDEA. McHOTNESS FROM McDOWELL
7:05:10 a.m. – Dagen explains that she’s wearing this exotic dress because she’s flying on a plane today, and wants to have the back of her thighs covered. Imus says she’s dressed inappropriately for flying. Inappropriate is in the eyes of the beholder. One man’s ‘inappropriate’ is another man’s entry into the ‘Spank Bubble.’ Apparently, Ms. McDowell is fearful of the previous passenger’s butt in her seat, leaving behind some ‘Booty Juice’. Um…we just hope it isn’t ‘Fresh Squeezed.’
“IF YOUR ASS IS DRAGGIN’ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, AND YOU JUST CAN’T KEEP GOIN’, TRY SOME ‘BOOTY JUICE’. IT’LL PICK YOU RIGHT UP”
7:15:30 a.m. – “I like all of Taylor Swift’s records, she just can’t sing, that’s all.” Imus waxes Pop Musically, completely missing the point. She doesn’t HAVE to sing. That girl is finer than the hair’s on a frog’s behind. Although, Swift is no Megan Trainor. “Now that girl can sing.” The I-Man states. Good for her that it’s ‘All About That Bass’, cos’ the girl sure do got a LOT of it. Trainor could USE a trainer.
NO TREBLE HERE
7:32:10 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS Starts off with a particularly snippy moment with our Teddy Bear Stage Manager, Nat Candido, who has dressed up for Halloween as ‘Fat Imus’. He’s got a cowboy hat, glasses, and a plaid shirt with a pillow stuffed under it, begging the question, “Why if you’re already pleasingly plump, would you need a pillow?” That’s like Pamela Anderson dressing up like Dolly Parton and feeling the need to stuff her bra. It’d be like Tony going to a Halloween Party as Eddie Murphy in blackface. Yes, we know that would be inappropriate. A more appropriate costume would be if Rob dressed up as ‘Fat Forest Gump’.
EDDIE MURPHY IN WHITEFACE GOING AS ‘NED FLANDERS’. OFFENSIVE, BECAUSE HE SHOULD’VE USED YELLOW FACE
8:06:32 a.m. – Dagen reports that the ‘Blurred Lines’/ ‘Got To Give It Up case is going to trial. The heirs to the Marvin Gaye estate claim that Robin Thicke and Pharrell stole their father’s song. The jury will have to look at both songs in sheet music form and determine if there is, in fact, a copyright violation.
WE DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MUSIC, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE MARVIN GAYE’S CLASSIC HAS MANY MORE LITTLE BLACK DOTS THAN THE ROBIN THICKE DITTY
8:16:16 a.m. – He spoke about it earlier, but he brings up the subject again. The I-Man can’t find his Guns’n’Roses T-Shirt, his newly obtained Dwight Yoakam T-Shirts or his Zip Up Hoodie from ProRodeo Gear. Now, he’s got to go down to the Housing Works charity where he graciously donated the extra 94 shirts he received from Dwight. They will now be worn by Homeless Aids Patients. We just hope he doesn’t wear his new Army Jacket when he does. They might try to convince him to stay.
“HEY STUPID…I DON’T NEED TO STAY HERE…I HAVE A LIMO OUT FRONT.”
“SURE YOU DO, POPS. JUST GO, WITH THE NICE LADY HERE, TO YOUR ROOM”
8:26:52 a.m. – Happy Birthday to Richard ‘Kinky’ ‘Big Dick’ Friedman, who will turn 70 years old tomorrow, (But he reads at a 75 year old’s level) Earlier, the Boss played Kinky’s cover of ‘Lover Please’ that was re-mixed for the Imus Ranch record, and has just played ‘Something Wrong With The Beaver’. Which is about ‘Leave it to Beaver’…because, as the Kinkster would probably say, “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a little beaver.” I like it here! Imus, BE my friend!
KINKY WITH A CELEBRATORY NATAL ANNIVERSARY CIGAR AND GLASS OF SCOTCH. (NOTE: “NATAL ANNIVERSARY” IS NOT THE BRAND OF THE CIGAR)
8:34:68 a.m. – Carl Cameron, Fox News Channel’s Washington – based chief political correspondent, is in to talk about the election this coming Tuesday. We aren’t as interested in that as we are in whether or not he’s seen Monica Lewinsky hanging around the Library of Congress, looking up articles concerning ‘Stain Removal Tips From Common Garments’. You know, just in case she should ever need that information again. Carl, apparently, is a big Tupac Shakur fan, as ‘California Love’ is one of his 5 favorite songs.
C -DUB HANGIN’ WITH HIS HOMIES, BIGGIE AND 2PAC ,
VIDEO OF THE DAY
THE ORIGINAL ‘BOOTY JUICE’
AND ITS’ INEVITABLE RIP-OFF, ‘BOOTY SWEAT’
CLEARLY, THERE’S A COPYRIGHT CASE HERE