6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man begins the new morning, new week, and new month, by coining a phrase that will, no doubt, catch on like wildfire. The frontrunners for the Presidential Nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump? “Trump and the Frump.”
THE CHOICE IS YOURS
6:08:16 A.M. – Apparently, there was a ‘dust up’ at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday Night, between Jesse Watters, Bill O’Reilly’s ‘Man on the Street’, and a Huff Post reporter. Waters’ style of Ambush Journalism is described by Bernard as “Like Mike Wallace”. “I’ll let that go.” Says The I-Man.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN
6:15:30 A.M. – Warner discusses the hacking of Dolphins’ Offensive Tackle Larry Tunsil’s ‘Tweeter’ account.
TUNSIL ‘TWITTING’ WARNER HAS ALSO CHECKED OUT LARRY’S ‘BOOKFACE’ AND ‘INSTANTGRAM’ ACCOUNTS
6:40:27 A.M. – Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on this morning on the 5th Anniversary of when Osama Bin Laden went to go find the 72 Virgins with a can of ‘Flex Seal’ to fill the holes in his head where the bullets went.
WE DON’T BLAME ROB O’NEILL. IF WE FOUND THIS GUY, WE’D TELL EVERYBODY
7:05:10 A.M. – According to a story he read in The New York Times this morning, the I-Man says that CBS Chief Les Moonves had a little ‘chat’ with Stephen Colbert, because ‘The Late Show with Stephen Colbert’ appears to have a absence of one of the key elements necessary for a successful Late Night Comedy Show…comedy.
IT’S OKAY, STEPHEN…JAY LENO WASN’T FUNNY EITHER AND HE LASTED FOR 22 YEARS
7:15:30 A.M. – Warner reports that during this Sunday’s Talladega 500, driver Tony Stewart reinjured his back during the race. This causes the I-Man to wonder, “What did he do? Run over himself?”
“PUT IT IN REVERSE! PUT THE F@#KING CAR IN REVERSE!!!”
7:25:50 A.M. – Imus reads a spot for a Conference on Addiction from the Non Profit ‘Path Foundation’ where they will discuss new treatments for addiction, and finding ways to replace brains cells lost due to alcohol and drug abuse. Following the Conference, there will be a cocktail party. Um…what? That’s like holding a Pedophile Convention at a Chuck E. Cheese.
AFTER THE PATH FOUNDATION’S COCKTAIL PARTY…AND THIS GUY WAS ONE OF THE GUEST SPEAKERS
7:39:16 A.M. – PSYCHOS , in which Riedel, (Winner of the 10th Annual Marfield Prize, The National Award for Arts Writing) rails against Will Ferrell for agreeing to star in a comedy about Ronald Reagan with Alzheimers’. Oooh. Our sides. Riedel goes on to chastise the Left Wing Wussies for always going after Conservatives and never satirizing one of their own. “There’s no “Who Killed Vince Foster”.
COMING THIS FALL…
Deirdre is incensed by Warren Buffet, who denies that Coca Cola isn’t unhealthy:
COKE’S NEW ‘HONESTY’ CAMPAIGN
Tony defends Larry Willmore, who is getting a bad rap from the media for ‘tanking’ at the White House Correspondent’s dinner over the weekend. He says the material was funny but the audience sucked. Which is always Rob’s excuse when one of his ‘comedy’ bits doesn’t do well.
AT LEAST FAMOUS COMEDY CRITIC ‘CRICKET’ DUG IT. TWO CHIRPS UP!
Filling in for Bo Dietl, Andrew Dice Clay is happy that Starbucks is the plaintiff in a 5 Million Dollar Class Action Suit for putting too much ice in their drinks.
“OL’ MOTHER TOFFEE, WENT TO STARBUCKS FOR COFFEE, AND SPILLED HER ICED MOCHA CARAMEL MACCHIATO IN HER LAP, IT SOAKED HER PANTY LINER AND FROZE HER VAGINA…AND THEN HER DOG JUMPED HER AND GAVE HER THE CLAP! OHHHH!”
8:12:24 A.M. – Warner calls Mark Sanchez ‘Butt Man’, referring to the infamous ‘Butt Fumble’ the Jets Quarterback made in the Thanksgiving Day game between the New York Jets and the New England Patriots. “It was ONE game, Warner. How would you like it if every time somebody mentioned you, they talked about your teeth falling out?”
WARNER’S ‘MILLION DOLLAR SMILE’. IT’S PORTABLE.
8:40:43 A.M. – Former Secret Service Agent and Real American Hero, Clint Hill, who was assigned to the Presidential Detail of FIVE U.S. Presidents, is our guest. He was the man who protected First Lady Jackie Kennedy in Deeley Plaza that fateful November Morning. He’s a walking, talking, historical monument. He reveals that Richard Nixon… “Had a bit of a split-personality.” Which is ‘Secret Service Speak’ for ‘Bat S#!+ Crazy’.
TRICKY DICK TELLING HOW HE GOT BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE AFTER VISITING THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT… ‘I HITCH-HIKED!’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
AN AMUSING TAKE ON THE MAN WHO SHOT BIN LADEN
AND A SOBERING ACCOUNT OF WHAT HAPPENED ON NOVEMBER 22ND 1963 FROM A MAN WHO WAS RIGHT THERE