Follow Us On

  
Recent Guests:
    Thursday
    Jan292015

    The 50 Shades of Grey Bear

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man’s Fox Hair Stylist, Teresa, is going to see ‘Book of Mormon’ tonight.  She is a sweet, kind, beautiful, softspoken, lovely Christian woman. We assume she thinks it’s a play about Brigham Young.   Boy, is she in for a surprise.

    UM…THE BOOK IS JUST A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT THAN THE MUSICAL

    6:17:14 a.m. –  The I-Man reads a spot for a long time sponsor, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company.  This year, they are offering…something new….Er…something a little…different.  Something you might say is a little ‘Outside The Box’.   It’s the ’50 Shades of Grey’ Bear.  Of the book and movie of the same name.  Comes with a set of miniature handcuffs, and a Lone Ranger mask.   What’s next?  ‘The Rusty Trombone’ bear?   

    THEIR SAFE WORD IS… ‘STUFFING’

    6:22:08 a.m. –  We realize that this “50 Shades” Bear is going to be a recurring theme on today’s program.  Which makes us wonder if there could be sequels to the film.   This time, starring the bear.

    STARRING…TED?

    6:41:08 a.m. –  Our favorite Secret Agent, Mike Baker is on to discuss the hostage situation and ISIS.  Baker’s not in studio this morning, which suggests that he has more information than most, as he has ‘Eyes On’ the detainees from his clandestine location.  Imus interrupts Baker’s Rescue Mission to ask him if he’s heard about the 50 Shades Vermont Teddy Bear.  Baker says that for years his cover was as a spokeman for the Vermont Teddy Bear company.  “You’re joking.” The I-Man says.   “…sure.” Answers Double O Dreamy.  (Dagen’s code name for him.   She says he has a license to kill…her.)   And not in the ‘Ending the Life Way’.  Hashtag :  Le Petit Morte.  Or as the French call it, “Mon Dieu!  Mon Dieu!  Jes Suis Venue!”

    “WHAT WAS THAT NOISE, YOU ASK?  OH, NOTHING, I-MAN…I THINK A CAR MUST’VE BACKFIRED OUTSIDE.  NO, EVERYTHING HERE IS FINE.”

    7:05:10 a.m. – While the Boss is on the air reading a spot, Connell hands him the script that Rob gave to Nat and Nat gave to Connell.  When the I-Man chastises Nat for the infraction…Nat  throws Connell under the bus.  “You can’t be doin’ that, Bro!”  Nat from downtown.

    “YO, BACK IT UP, OKAY, BRO?”

    7:16:32 a.m. – Connell reports that on the upcoming trial of former Patriots’ Tight End, Aaron Hernandez.  Tight end?  He’s been indicted for murder, and so he’s been in jail for a couple of years.  We’re not sure how ‘Tight’ his end is these days. The I-Man remarks that Hernandez has a great smile and looks like a nice guy.  Yeah.  And John Wayne Gacy loved kids.

    JOHN WAYNE GACY: HE MADE BALLOON ANIMALS…USING ACTUAL ANIMALS

    7:40:32 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING  or, as we like to call it, “Three People Screaming at Alan Colmes.”  They discuss Super Bowl snacks, Islamic Terrorism, and Vermont Teddy Bears.  The takeaway?  Deirdre is making organic wheat grass pate’, faux nachos and No Chicken Chicken Wings.   Mmmmmm.  Somebody call Dominos.

                           VEGAN NACHOS            BIG HAIRY BEEF AND CHEESE NACHOS

    ONE WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE…THE OTHER ONE MAKES IT WORTH LIVING.

    ‘WE REPORT, YOU DECIDE.’

    7:42:55  a.m. – On the subject of the  ’50 Shades of Grey’ Bear, the Boss suggests that Gunz buy a few and give them to the ladies he knows, and see what happens.  Gunz doesn’t really have anyone at the moment, and a ’50 Shades of Grey’ Bear would only confuse him, as it would be too difficult for him to tie himself up and beat his own ass.  Not that Gunz hasn’t been handcuffed to a bed before…in fact, the Fire Department no longer answers his emergency calls. 

    “BPHMGRPH MPHGRBPH GRMPHTH!”

    REALLY?  THAT’S THE MOST INTELLIGENT THING YOU’VE EVER SAID, GUNZ

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Ashley what his wife would say if he sent her a  ‘50 Shades of Grey’ Vermont Teddy Bear.  Mr. Webster answers that his bride, Fiona would say :   “Thanks. When are you coming home?”  We get the impression that this won’t be the first time Mrs. Webster’s been tied up…in fact, their first date, she woke up in the trunk of his car on the way to the lake.

    “I TRUST THOSE ROPES AREN’T TOO TIGHT, LOVE.  PLEASE GRUNT IF THEY ARE.”

    8:36:44 a.m. – I-Fave Bill O’Reilly is the guest.  First question from the I-Man is. “How did you come up with naming your show ‘The Factor’.”  O’Reilly says that it had never been used before, and when he’s on there, “I’m a factor in how things are put forth.”  Which is somewhat scary, when you consider he writes books about ‘Killing’ people.  Lincoln, Jesus, Kennedy, and now Patton.  Bill suggests in his latest book that General George S. Patton was murdered.  Conversely, Actor George C. Scott, who won an Academy Award for PLAYING General George S. Patton, died of an aortic aneurysm.  Where’s the book for that one, Bill?

    IF HE WRITES A BOOK ABOUT YOU…DON’T BUY ANY GREEN BANANAS

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ANOTHER TEDDY BEAR THAT WAS NOT EXACTLY   ‘FAO SCHWARTZ WORTHY’

    NO, NOT THESE…

     

    THIS!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVIYL71ZtRo

    Wednesday
    Jan282015

    Where's My Other Piece of Cheese?

    5:59:07 – Before we go on the air, Imus goes into a long, drawn out, explanation of why his prescription glasses are no good.  They’re Progressive Lenses, which, at first, makes us think that they voted for Legalizing Marijuana, because it helps Glaucoma.   But we are mistaken, they are the kind that have one strength at the top and a different one on the bottom.  Apparently, Imus says he can’t use the ‘READING’ portion on the bottom of the glasses, but he can read without them.  So…what’s with the specs, dude?   You think they make you look…smart?  They don’t do anything for the vacant stare and the open mouth.

    ACTUALLY, THEY  DO MAKE HIM LOOKMORE INTELLIGENT

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Fred Dicker will be our 6:30 guest.  Naturally, the I-Man takes particular glee in pronouncing Mr. DICK-ers name.  He gets the same thrill whenever he says the name Joe COCK-er, and Tom PETER-sson.  However, we haven’t heard him pronounce Ed PENIS-heimer’s name as of yet.

     DICKER, COCKER & PETERSSON

    6:07:14 a.m. –  “Leave him alone.”  The I-Man’s decree on Seattle Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.  Marshawn is getting grief for his press conference, for saying “I’m only here so I don’t get fined.” 29 times.  Well, at  least it wasn’t the Mama T story.

    “AND THEN…MAMA T SAID… ‘I’M GONNA START WITH THIS ONE OVER HERE.’”

    6:08:16a.m. –  The Boss talks about Mayor Bill DeBlasio shutting down the city due to the weather, and mentions thaT he’s been living in the city for 40 years, and we’ve had worse storms than this, even if this storm lived up to expectations.  What’s changed?  “Everybody is a pussy.”   Well, that explains it.  A new meteolghr…meatymojo…meteorlahgi….weather term.  As in:   “You can expect some road closures and slow going due to the…fact that Everybody is a Pussy.”

    THE TOILET PAPER IS ONLY BECAUSE SHE’S LACTOSE INTOLERANT

    6:18:36 a.m. –   The I-Man says he watched a lot of local newscasts over the weekend.  He’s surprised to know that WABC Eyewitness News Reporter, Sarah Wallace, is still on the air.  Not nearly as surprised as Sarah Wallace was when she discovered Bea Arthur was still alive.  But then again, she’s got that wonky eye.

    OVER HERE, SARAH.  OVER HERE, SWEETIE…

    6:41:08 a.m. –  New York Post State Editor, Fred Dicker is on to discuss the corruption scandal involving Sheldon Silver, who will be vacating his post as New York Assembly Speaker.  Fred is a fascinating guest…if anybody gave a F#@K about the New York Assembly Speaker.  But it’s quite a scoop:  There’s Corruption in Government.  We are shocked.   As Claude Rains says in ‘Casablanca’, “Round up the ‘Usual Suspects’.”

    ADMIT IT.  YOU WANT TO SEE THIS DOUCHE IN A CELL WITH A 400 POUND MOLESTER NAMED ‘CHESTER’, AND EVERY NIGHT IS ‘PROM NIGHT’

    7:16:32 a.m. – Dagen does a report about Michael Fassbender, who will star in the Steve Jobs’ biopic, as the founder of Apple Computer.  Dagen mentions that she’s a ‘Big Fan’ of Mr. Fassbenders’, accenting the word ‘BIG’, so we get what she means.   Apparently, Fassbender is hung like a painting at the Louvre.  Boy got 3 arms.  And one of them is holding an apple.  This causes Dagen to wonder if Mr. Jobs was also likewise endowed.  She adds, “A girl can dream, can’t she?”   About WHAT?  Knocking boots with a dead guy?   You know, Dagen, there’s a rumor about Lincoln putting that Stovepipe Hat to cover his junk when he got excited at the theater.

    FASSBENDER GIVING US A ‘VISUAL’ ANALOGY

    THANK YOU, MICHAEL.  MAYBE JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH INFORMATION

    7:40:32 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE  or, as we like to call it, ‘Please God, Make This Noise In My Head Go Away’. The ladies cover a wide variety of subjects, including ‘Deflated Balls’, Drones at the White House…and Paul McCartney’s ex-wife’s…um…stump.  According to Heather Mills, the former ‘Mrs. Macca’, she uses said stump…to pick up guys.  Which is profound, because, it’s usually the guys who use their ‘stump’ to pick up girls.   Most guys we know are ‘Leg Men.’  But we’re not so sure they’re crazy about walking away with one.

    “NOT FUNNY, PAUL.   NOT BLOODY FUNNY AT ALL.”

    8:03:06  a.m. –  Imus takes our Meteor…you know, Dr. Bill, to task for being a “Fat, Lying Skunk”, ostensibly, for his failed predictions for New York City.  Dr. Evans takes exception to this designation.  “Yes, I am a lying skunk.  But I’m not fat.”   The I-Man mentions again that he had been watching Local News over the weekend, where, coincidentally, Dr. Bill also works.  The Boss mentions Sarah Wallace again, and wonders if the Good Doctor might “…want to take a run at that.”   Aside from the fact that Ms. Wallace is married, we don’t think she’d have anything to do with a Lying Skunk.  Fat or not.

    “NO, REALLY, THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL…I SWEAR TO GOD!”

    8:05:10 a.m. – A big Shout Out to Debbie at the Hotel in Huntsville, for AMAZING service, that includes her bringing coffee in the morning, AND, on Saturday, a big ol’ box of Shipley’s Donuts.  Which, according to Imus, make Krispy Kreme taste like Dog Turds.   (He didn’t say that, but he definitely implied such)  In fact, he ate FOUR of them at one sitting, and then,  upon arriving at Joe Beaver’s offered the 8 Time World Champion one.  The last one.  Such is the I-Man’s love and respect for Joe that he was willing to offer his LAST Shipley’s Donut.  Joe initially demurs, but immediately, has a second thought.  Too late, Joe.  As soon as Imus heard the ‘N’ sound, the Last Donut was on its voyage down the Boss’ Alimentary Canal.  He had so much glaze on his face, he resembled Jenna Jameson after a hard day at work.

    “SORRY, JOE…YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE.”

    8:15:30 a.m. – During Connell’s News Report, Imus throws his empty water bottle at McShane’s head.  Incredulous, Connell asks “Did you just throw a water bottle at my head?”  The I-Man says “Yes I did.”  Connell responds, “I’d like to point out to the audience that I am 3 feet away…and he still missed.”   Connell from downtown.  From where, no doubt, he could still hit the Boss with a Water Bottle.

    “HEY NUMBNUTS!  DUCK!!...OH.  NEVER MIND.  NAT!  PICK THAT UP!”

    8:42:12 a.m. – Catherine Herridge is on, she being the Fox News Chief Intelligence Correspondent, which makes us wonder why she’s talking to Imus.  She’s on to discuss ISIS, ISIL, and other things to scare the s#!% out of us.  Which also makes us wonder…why the hell does Imus keep having her as a guest?  She’s got us so paranoid, we can’t even bring ourselves to order ITALIAN ICES.   “Good Morning, Ms. Herridge.”   “Good Morning Mr. Imus…enjoy this last day.  Because we’re all gonna die.” 

    “CATHERINE HERRIDGE SAID…WHAT????”

    8:46:11 a.m. – The I-Man sends Carley back to Starbucks to demand a new Protein Box, as the one he has one less piece of cheese…sorry…one FEWER piece of cheese, than there is supposed to be.  She bundles up and heads out into the 14 Degree weather and trudges across the street to do so.  While she’s gone, the Boss realizes that the 2nd piece of cheese was hiding underneath the Apple.  We guess he really DOES need new glasses.   Anyway, Code Red has been averted. We go back down to Def-Con 3.  But then Carley returns with the 2nd Protein Box…and informs Imus that she PAID for it.  Which puts the Threat Level back up to Code Orange.  Which, by the way, resembles the color of the missing cheese.  He consumes both Protein Packs, which comes on the heels of his ‘5 Donut Weekend.’  At this rate, he’ll be fatter than Rob.   Well, maybe not THAT fat.

    YO, BITCH!  WHERE’S MY OTHER PIECE OF CHEESE?

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    For Dagen, Another ‘Gifted’ Gentleman From The Movies

    (Take THAT, Michael Fassbender)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9JqbCH4aVw 

    Friday
    Jan232015

    Deflate-Gate

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Warner is wearing a tie today.  We think it’s because he has a Job Interview scheduled.  Because after his “IDIOTIC” prediction that Bill Belichick would resign before playing the game that could, possibly, bring him his FOURTH Superbowl Ring.  Yeah, he’s gonna retire.  Maybe he was dressing up for HIS surprise Retirement Party.  Or, as he says, his funeral.

    “WELL, I’M A LEGENDARY SPORTSCASTER…AND I WAS ALSO IN ROCKY 4”

    6:17:14 a.m. –  The I-Man comments on Tom Brady’s Press Conference yesterday, and explains that he likes heaters.  Imus, that is.  Not Tom Brady.  He likes ‘Hotties’, as his wife, Giselle Bunchen would illustrate. We’re not sure what heaters have to do with deflated footballs, but The Boss clarifies by saying that he doesn’t have to mention that he needs the heaters, because our Teddy Bear Stage Manager, Nat, knows to put them by the big chair, without having to be told.   So, what is the point?   Tom Brady acting as though the Equipment Boy didn’t know how he likes his balls is…Bull$#@t.  Not to put too fine a point on it.

    TOM BRADY SHOWING OFF HIS WIFE, GISELE BUNDCHEN’S FAVORITE THING ABOUT HIM. (“TELL A LIE…TELL THE TRUTH!  TELL A LIE!  TELL THE TRUTH!)

    6:20:26 a.m. –   Warner shows a picture of, who he says, is Carley’s Fiancé’ Pete, with a ‘Tom Brady’ Tattoo on his lower lip.   It’s finally happened.  Warner has finally ‘Stepped Off The Curb.’   He is, officially, out of his f@#king mind.   The only Tattoo he has is one of Carley in a Michigan Jersey.

    CARLEY THINKS PETE IS ‘NUMBER ONE’   

    6:41:08 a.m. –  Arthur Aidala and the I-Man talk Tom Brady, and the idiotic media at his Press Conference, asking him “Are you a cheater?”  Which he answered by saying, “I don’t believe so.”  Really, Tom?  Is Gisele having sex with the Gardener?  “I don’t believe so.”   Have you ever taken a quick peek at the other players’ junk in the shower?  “I don’t believe so.”    Are you an insufferable Douchebag?  WE believe so. 

    “HEY, L.T.!  YOU KNOW KNOW A LOT ABOUT SACKS…WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT TOM BRADY?”

    “BRADY?  HE’S A LYING SACK OF  S%#T”

    7:02:04 a.m. –  Dr. Bill reports on the upcoming snowstorm, which will be between 1 to 3 in the city, and 5 or 6 inches North and West.  Which isn’t much of a snowstorm.  Bill asks the I-Man, ”How much snow do you want?”  The obvious answer would be NONE, but Imus plays into Dr. Bill’s Idiocy.  “We want 9 feet”, he says, “And we want the terrorists to take out the Grid.”   Which, in turn, would create a “30% chance of Precipitation”.

    “AW, C’MON, ABDUL…LET’S MAKE SOME SNOW ANGELS!  THEN WE CAN BLOW UP THE POWER PLANT! ”

    7:05:32 a.m. –  Warner is still trying to justify his insane prediction yesterday that Bill Belichek would resign.   And he doubles down on it again this morning.  The I-Man BEGS Warner to stop… “Because it just makes you sound MORE crazy.”  “They told Thomas Edison HE was crazy too!” Warner says defensively.  Yes, they did, Warner, but the reason why he invented the lightbulb was because he was tired of getting a candle over his head every time he had an idea.

    LIKE MOST GENIUSES, EDISON DREAMT IN COLOR

    7:13:26  a.m. –  Imus mentions that King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has died at the age of 90.  His brother, King Salman Bin Abdul-Aziz Al Saud…Junior…will take his place.  Apparently, Ol’ Salami is 70 something years old, and suffers from the early stages of dementia.  Or, as the I-Man says,  “The signal’s getting weak on him.”   We agree.  He went on the record yesterday to say he thought Bill Belichick would resign.  Sounds familiar.  Where have we heard that before?

    KING SMOKED SALMON LOX BAGEL

    7:40:32 a.m. –  THE VINNIE FROM QUEENS crew continues to debate ‘Deflate Gate’.  See what we did there?  That’s freestyle rhymes we bustin’, yo.  The I-Man asks Warner what the Punishment should be for the Patriots, a question that, we recognize, is a hypothetical, while Warner attempt so treat it like it’s on the Verbal part of the SAT Test.  We haven’t seen anybody that confused since Lou Costello tried to figure out the First Baseman’s name on Bud Abbott’s team. 

    “I DON’T KNOW…THIRD BASE”

    8:05:10 a.m. – In spite of all the Patriots’ Hullabaloo, the I-Man still supports them in next week’s SuperBowl.  Is it because of his careful analysis of New England’s offensive scheme and Coach Belichick’s Defensive Genius?   Um…no.  Is it because Tom Brady will, arguably, go down in history as the Greatest Quarterback…ever?  Mmmm…nope.  It’s because the Boss HATES Seattle.  The Team, the Coach, the Fans, The Uniforms.  And...”STOP RAINING”

    “YOU MAD, BRO?”

    HE ALSO HATES CURT KOBAIN

    8:12:59  a.m. – Warner announces that ESPN is pulling the Lakers/Knicks game on Super Bowl Sunday, because…well, they SUCK…and they are replacing them with ‘Celebrity Bowling.’  7 and 36 being replaced by 7-10 Splits.  We’ve seen the lineup for the Bowling Match.  Not exactly what you’d call ‘Celebrities’.

    “HELLO, SPORTSFANS!  I’M NOT CARMELLO ANTHONY!  I’M ‘RERUN’  FROM ‘WHAT’S HAPPENIN’.  WANNA WATCH ME POP AND LOCK?

    8:42:12 a.m. – Richard Haass, The President of The Council On Foreign Relations.  Which sounds like a governing body that controls how many French Women you can have sex with.  (Which, for us, is NONE, unless they decide to start shaving their armpits)    Mr. Haass is on, basically, to SCARE THE LIVING S#%T OUT OF US, by talking about Cyber-Terrorism, and an attack on the Country’s Electric Grid, which he claims, could be knocked out for MONTHS.  What does that mean?  No lights, no ATMs, and No ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’.  Although, that last thing might be a relatively easy thing to deal with.  He too, also weighs in on Tom Brady, as he’s married to a Brazilian Bombshell, Gisele Bundchen, whose Conjugal Favors we assume, his organization monitors.

    “YOU HAVE TO, HONEY, DR. HAASS SAID SO.”

     

    VIDEOS OF THE DAY

    “Deflate-Gate”

    (The Remix)

     

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOtvWNZ_9xA 

     

    And some Old School AC/DC

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJ3tqIukBKg

    Thursday
    Jan222015

    A Grand a Word

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Bernard opened the program with a joke about ‘Sacks’, causing the I-Man to comment on ‘Deflated Balls Jokes’.  He thinks they are ‘Lame and Obvious’.  We agree, totally.  So we won’t be telling any.

    MICHELANGELO WAS THE FIRST ONE TO DO A ‘DEFLATED BALLS JOKE’

    6:17:14 a.m. –  Connell reports on the horrible fire in Edgewater New Jersey, where an entire Gated Community, blocks long, was burned to the ground.  Imus says “That’s terrible.”  And Connell nods in agreement, moving on to the next story.  “You don’t seem all that broken up about it.” He accuses McShane of being insensitive.  Connell responds, “Of course it’s terrible, people losing their homes…that’s an understatement” Suggesting that Imus is ‘Captain Obvious’ with his assessment of the tragedy.  At least the Boss didn’t say “Losing your home in a fire…that’s an icky deal, huh?”

    “HEY!  NUMBNUTS! WHO THOUGHT BARBECUING IN THE HOUSE WAS A GOOD IDEA?”

    6:20:26 a.m. –   Ashley Webster and the I-Man discuss Tracy Chang again.  She is the anchor for the CCTV, the State Network in China.  Former CNBC correspondent, and…by the way, Miss New York.  Ashley appears to be quite fond of Miss Chang.  We wait for Imus to ask the question.  “If you weren’t married…would you take a run at that, Ashley?”  Probably not, we think.  Because it would be a bitch of a commute between New York and Beijing.

    AS FAR AS THE NEWS GOES…TRACY ISN’T EXACTLY CANDY CROWLEY…OR, FOR THAT MATTER, HELEN THOMAS. 

    6:41:08 a.m. –  Charlie Gasparino visits, live from Switzerland, where he’s wearing an Ohio Buckeyes sweatshirt, having just worked out and had a steam. He actually showed some B-Roll footage of him doing chin ups.  Thanks for the information, Chuck.  We were really worried about what you were doing during your ‘Down Time’ in Davos.  We were concerned you were just sitting in your hotel room chugging Hot Chocolate. 

    WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE STEAM ROOM?  COOKING A HAM?

    7:05:10 a.m. – “Some people call me ‘Don’…stop doing that…stick to what everybody else calls me.”  What’s that, Boss?  @$$HOLE?  

    WHAT’S YOURS?

    7:16:32 a.m. – Dagen reports that ‘Mophie’ will be advertising on the Super Bowl for the first time.  “I LOVE my Mopey!”  the I-Man says.  What is that?  A ‘Mophie’ that’s …depressed?  “You put it on your cell phone and you get 2 or 3 times the battery life.”   Connell adds:  “Yeah, just ‘strap it on’.”   Thank God Dagen didn’t hear him. 

    TRACY CHANG WITH THE ‘STRAP ON MODEL’ MOPHIE

    7:40:32 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING   covers a Myriad of Topics, one of which, briefly, is Gunz’s hair.  We all know that Imus is ‘Follically Obsessed’, but the rest of the panel also observes how…IDIOTIC he looks.  We’re not sure if he’s more ‘Jimmy Neutron…or ‘Ace Ventura’.

    WE REPORT.  YOU DECIDE.

    GUNZ                           JIMMY                           ACE 

    7:42:32 a.m. –  The panel discusses the Measles outbreak in California that was traced back to Disneyland.   Which then segues into the topic of ‘Vaccinations’.  And you know what that means, one pair of eyes on the panel will turn to fire, and those of the other four people sitting at the desk will glaze over like ISIL hostages.  We blame Snow White.  Living in that small house with a guy named ‘Sneezy’?  What do you expect?

    SOME DAY…HER VACCINE WILL COME

    “YO, DOG…I KNOW SNOWIE’S CONTAGIOUS BUT…SHE ALREADY DONE GAVE ME HEP C!   SO, I WOULD STILL HIT THAT!    PLUS, IF YOU JUST GIVE THAT GIRL AN APPLE AND SHE GO ALL BILL COSBY...”

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Imus regales us with a tale of the time when he introduced Deep Purple at Madison Square Garden.  All he had to do was say “Ladies and Gentlemen…Deep Purple.”   And the band’s manager gave him 5000 dollars on the spot.  A grand a word.  He should’ve gone back out there and told the ‘Mama T’ story.  He could have retired 40 years ago.

    THE I-MAN, AT ‘CAL-JAM’ INTERVIEWING DON E. BRANKER, THE PROMOTER OF ‘CAL JAM’, AT WHICH, HE ALSO INTRODUCED DEEP PURPLE  HOWEVER, WE DON’T THINK THE BOSS MADE ANYTHING FOR THAT APPEARANCE. HOWEVER, EVEN IN THIS LOW QUALITY PHOTO, TAKE A LOOK AT THAT K.C. AND THE SUNSHINE BAND HAIRCUT.  

    8:42:12 a.m. – Seth Davis, writer for Sports Illustrated magazine and an in-studio analyst for CBS' NCAA men's college basketball coverage, and the son of Lanny Davis, he of the ‘Ick on the Blue Dress’ fame, is on to talk about college hoops.  One of his 5 favorite songs is the ‘Live’ version of Billy Joel’s ‘Ballad of Billy the Kid’, which the I-Man pronounces, is an “AWFUL record.”  We agree, Billy Joel is no Billy Joe Shaver.  But he does play the piano a helluva lot better than Billy Joe Shaver, that’s for sure.

    “LOOK MA!  NO FINGERS!”  WE DID NOTICE, BILLY JOE, THAT YOU DIDN’T PLAY FOUR OF THE NOTES IN THAT CHORD.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    RARE FOOTAGE OF THE I-MAN FROM CAL JAM

      

     

    TURNS OUT THE I-MAN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR DEEP PURPLE’S ‘SMOKE ON THE WATER’.  HE PUT A CIGARETTE OUT IN A WASTEPAPER BASKET

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teKNh5IiQxU

     

    Wednesday
    Jan212015

    The I-Man Didn't Watch the State of the Union

    6:05:10 a.m. –     The I-Man did not watch 1 second of the State of the Union Address last night.  He thought it was going to be at 8PM, because that’s what he was told by Bret Baier.  The COVERAGE began at 8PM, but by the time the Speech began, Imus was already engrossed in ‘Masterchef Junior’, where he watched 12 year olds cooking stuff he would never be allowed to eat.

    THE I-MAN DIDN’T WATCH THE STATE OF THE UNION.  BECAUSE HE HAD TO GET HIS BEAUTY SLEEP.   WE GUESS HE DIDN’T SLEEP WELL

    6:05:14 a.m. –  When the Boss tuned in to Fox at 8, he saw Lou Dobbs.   “What’s with Lou Dobbs’ HAIR?” He asks, incredulously. Despite Imus’ obsessive compulsion for hair, we have to admit.  That thing on the top of Lou’s head is not something you find in nature.  That’s a color that looks like somebody melted the 64 box of Crayola Crayons, and then dumped it on his melon.

    JESUS!  WHAT DID HE DO TO HIS HAIR?

    6:13:26 a.m. –  The I-Man promos the 6:30 Guest, who is…wait for it.  GUNZ!  Yes, you heard right.  But it gets better…he’s on to give his Analysis of The President’s State of the Union!  That’s like asking Paula Deen to review Wiz Kalifa’s latest.   How far down the list did he have to go to settle on GUNZ?  What happened?  Andy Dick was busy?  What will GUNZ’s take be?  That the President was  BALLIN’?

    “GUNZ?  EWWWWWW”

    6:14:28 a.m. –  Imus defends his choice of Gunz by maintaining that “Gunz is America.”  Ashley Webster responds: “So America is a 14 year old girl?”  If Gunz is America, we’re moving to Canada with Alec Baldwin.

    NAH.  WE COULDN’T BRING OURSELVES TO GO ANYWHERE YOU’D FIND THIS PANT STAIN

    6:16:28 a.m. –   Dagen reports that a new app, called ‘Memo’, allows people to post anonymous comments about their bosses.  What we want to know is…who would want to post anonymous comments about their boss?   And…is the App Free?  If not, it can’t cost much, right?

     

    6:41:08 a.m. –  Well…after a visit to the iTunes App Store, we greet Gunz in the Greenroom, who is ‘All Duded Up’ this morning, in a Sports Jacket that…he obviously thought was a good idea, but, truth be told, makes him look like a Punk ‘Father Knows Best’.  His analysis, according to the I-Man, was the best the program has ever seen in the 43 years he’s been doing it.  We will say this much:  It’s certainly the first time anybody reacted to something a President said with the statement:  “C’mon, Bro!”

    GUNZ, BALLIN’ WITH HIS BROS

    7:05:10 a.m. – Yesterday, was a “Two Doctor Day” for the I-Man.  First stop was Dr. Benjamin to deal with the errant popcorn kernel that had taken residence underneath the Boss’s bridge.  Dr. Benjamin employed a revolutionary technique, that only a trained professional, on the cutting edge of Dentistry…and a 6 year old…could perform.  He swept it out with a piece of dental floss.  We hope he, at least, got a lollipop out of the deal.

    DR. BENJAMIN PREPARES HIS ‘INSTRUMENT’ FOR THE KERNEL REMOVAL

    7:10:20 a.m. – Imus’ second stop was to Dr. Granstein, who was to look at the ‘thing’ on the I-Man’s lip.  He used some kind of ‘Freezing Deal’, (Not to get too deep in the Medical Jargon) to remove whatever this ‘thing’ was.  He asks Dagen if she’s ever had anything frozen.  She replies that she’s had moles removed.  We’ve never heard that euphemism for breasts before.

    DAGEN AFTER HER ‘FREEZING DEAL’

    7:40:32 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE , or, as we like to call it, “Is that an air raid siren?  Or is Edward Scissorhands writing something on a blackboard?”  They discuss the Pope’s remarks about how men should listen to women more often.  That’s only because he’s THE POPE…and will NEVER BE MARRIED, so he will never have to hear one.   They then take on the topic of Women being priest, or even, God forbid, POPE.  Yeah.  That’ll happen.  Right after Pork Chops go on the menu at The Carnegie Deli. 

    THE SHOES OF THESE FISHERMEN…ARE MANOLO BLAHNIK’S

    7:41:56 a.m – A news report is next up…in which, an English Gentleman was arrested for having sex with a mailbox.  Would that be considered a ‘Special Delivery’?  Or just ‘Postage Due’?

    MISS POST, A ‘FEMALE BOX’   SHE’S JUST AN OLD SLOT

    (THE DUDE MUST’VE USED A STEP STOOL)

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Imus brings up Lou Dobbs once again, and makes the same observation he did earlier, but the color of Lou’s hair still remains…a mystery.  He also observes that during his Interview with Neil Cavuto, Lou appeared somewhat aggravated…as he felt like HE should’ve been the one to cover the State of the Union.  Stick to walking into restaurant kitchens and yelling ‘La Migra’!

    “HEY…WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?”

    8:42:12 a.m. – I-Fave, James Carville, is on to weigh in on a number of topics; the State of the Union Address, the Republican response, but mainly, the ‘Underinflated Balls’ controversy.   The boss asks him who he’s rooting for at the Superbowl, and James says he’s “…inching towards the Seahawks.’  Because in a game this close, the ‘Ball Gate’ controversy will be a distraction.  We think he’s ‘Inching’ because ‘Ol’ Serpent Head’ doesn’t slither all that fast.  At least the I-Man didn’t make a comment about Carville’s hair.  Not that he could.

    JAMES CARVILLE:  OUR ‘PRECIOUS’

    9:06:12 a.m. –  The I-Man promotes ‘Imus on Broadway’, a fundraising event benefiting the Broadway Cares/Equity Fights Aids charity…and the radio station.  He runs down the list of shows, one of which, “It Shoulda Been You” is not yet on The Great White Way, but will be by Spring. He takes exception to this, as it is called ‘Imus ON Broadway’, not ‘Imus COMING to Broadway in the Spring’.  He maintains that it’s ‘False Advertising.’   Kind of like the profile pictures on Match.com and EHarmony.

    “FUN LOVING BLONDE, LOVES THE OUTDOORS, COOKING AND LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, SEEKS HOT GUY FOR WILD SEX AND DINNER.  LOTS AND LOTS OF DINNER.”

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    The Best James Carville Impression in the Business:

    Bill Hader on SNL

     UNCANNY.  SIMPLY UNCANNY.

    https://screen.yahoo.com/weekend-update-snl-skits/weekend-james-carville-tea-party-000000393.html

     

    https://screen.yahoo.com/weekend-james-carville-gun-control-000000433.html

     

    http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/weekend-update-james-carville-rips-rush/n12563