6:06:06 a.m. – The I-Man feels vindicated, as the new Kid Rock Record, ‘First Kiss’ is the number one record in America. Carley, hearing that it has received a RAVE review from Rolling Stone, asks the I-Man if he’s “Back on the Kid Rock Bandwagon.” A designation that Imus isn’t happy with, as it suggests that he was ever OFF the bandwagon…as he most certainly was in the 9:00 hour, after being influenced by Lou, Dagen and Rob’s negative opinions. Lou offers that the Rolling Stone would give 5 stars to ANYTHING… Dagen says “A Stephen Hawking Spoken Word Record” would get a rave from RS. The good news is, he will focus on Kid Rock, and spare us from more Richard Price rants.
HOW THE I-MAN SEES KID ROCK
HOW EVERYONE ELSE SEES KID ROCK
6:19:37 a.m. – Dagen reports that there is some talk about allowing long-haul Cross-Continental flights in and out of Laguardia aiport. This prompts Ashley to go on tirade about LGA…that it’s a “Third World Airport,” based upon its’ dilapidated condition, which makes it seem like you’re flying into Mogadishu. Not true, Ringo. It’s like flying into Port Authority Bus Station.
RUNWAY 4 NORTH AT LGA
6:40:40 a.m. – Baker, Mike Baker, is on. Breaking his cover to appear live in the studio with us today, which makes us believe that we are in great danger. Prior to his appearance, we catch him backstage measuring the gauge of a piano wire. Somebody’s going down. We don’t know who. Unless he, too, has heard Kid Rock’s new album.
MIKE BAKER, BEHIND THE CURTAIN, PRACTICING HIS ‘TECHNIQUE’
6:43:40 a.m. – During their discussion of the three Brooklyn ISIS candidates, who, Mr. says “They aren’t exactly ‘Lex Luthor’. The I-Man doesn’t know who Lex Luthor is. “You’ve gone through your entire life not knowing who Lex Luthor is?” The I-Man admits that he doesn’t. Agent Baker lets him know that Lex Luthor is Superman’s major nemesis. Imus doesn’t have a frame of reference for Superman comics. Probably because Richard Price didn’t write them.
LEX TAKES OUT HIS FRUSTRATION ON SUPERMAN , BECAUSE I-MAN DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS
7:05:10 a.m. – The Boss feels that the Daily News’ music critic, Jim Farber, who gave Kid Rock’s New Album a SCATHING review, is an IDIOT for not knowing who Bocephus is. Farber wrote that Bocephus is Hank Williams the 3rd, GRANDSON of the Great Hank Williams, when Bocephus, as EVERYONE ON THE PLANET KNOWS… is actually HANK JUNIOR. We agree, although we believe you don’t need to have done accurate research to know that Yoko Ono should NEVER make a ‘Music’ album.
“WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOUR ROWDY FRIENDS, HENRY? I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING THEM.”
7:18:46 a.m. – Imus says that in the case of these three Brooklyn Losers, (Our words…his sentiment) who wanted to join ISIS, we should employ something he came up with called ‘Mobile Justice’. This is where the I-Man rides around with Brant driving, like he’s Kato to the I-Man’s Green Hornet, with a big, giant Die Hard Battery and a set of jumper cables, which he will attach to the nuts of people like these three bastards. We would start with the Nipples first…but…there’s a chance these morons might like it.
DEIRDRE APPLYING SOME ‘MOBILE JUSTICE’ TO THE GUY WHO OWNS THE FALAFEL STAND IN FRONT OF THE APARTMENT
7:20:40 a.m. – The Boss reveals that his dogs drink nothing but Dasani Water. Which means the Imus’ use Dasani Water in their toilets.
“YO! CHECK IT OUT! THEY PUT LEMONADE IN HERE TODAY!”
7:31:44 a.m. – Replacing the Mensa Meeting, something we like to call, (courtesy of Shakespeare’s ‘Scottish Play’) “A tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Otherwise known as PSYCHOS 2 !!! The Sequel. But with the same panelists as the Mensa meeting. Colmes, McGuirk, Gunzelman, Dietl and Deirdre. Bernie rants about not putting ‘Boots on the ground’ in the Middle East, Colmes resents Bibi Netanyahu addressing Congress behind the back of the White House, Dietl is incensed at the treatment of veterans, and Gunz…hates that they call a ‘Small Coffee’ a ‘Tall’ at Starbucks. Yes. You read right. This dip$#!% is all fired up about beverage sizes. You can’t make it up. Deirdre on the other hand, who goes from Zero to 1000 degrees Kelvin from Jump Street, rants to the I-Man about his always asking her, ‘What Difference Does It Make?’ An Israeli and a Palestinian arguing over a parking spot at a mall in Jerusalem is not this volatile. Put the Korean, British and Urkranian Parliaments in the same room and it wouldn’t be this contentious.
DEIRDRE ‘EXPLAINS’ TO ALAN WHY HE’S WRONG.
8:06:10 a.m. – Warner promos a heartbreaking story coming up on his Sports Report, about Los Angeles Angels Outfielder, Josh Hamilton, who, once again, had a relapse with his battle with cocaine and alcohol. The I-Man, having walked a mile in those shoes asks Warner if he ever did any Cocaine. Warner tells him no. Which is true. Warner never DID cocaine. He did sell a $#itload of it back in the 80’s though. But he never got high on his own supply.
THAT’S NOT EXACTLY TRUE. WARNER DID ACTUALLY TRY COCAINE. HE PUT SOME ON HIS GUMS AND…HIS TEETH FELL OUT.
“ALL I HAVE IN THIS WORLD ARE MY BALLS AND MY WORD, AND I DON’T BREAK THEM FOR NO ONE…YOU UNERSTAN’?”
“SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN’!”
8:16:32 a.m. – Dagen does a story on KFC’s new ‘Taste Treat’…coffee cups that…you can eat. In London they are testing these comestible vessels, called ‘S’coffee’ which we guess, are like a scone… made of cookie and sugar. In a related story…Taco Bell now provides edible Toilet Paper in their bathrooms.
THE NEW EDIBLE FLATWARE AT DENNY’S
8:16:32 a.m. – Imus has Trevor ‘Roto Rooter’ his Ear Monitors. Um…ew. We haven’t seen that much wax since we were in the Yankee Candle store at the Mall.
‘EAU D’ IMUS. EW.’
8:35:00 a.m – Monica Crowley is here, LIVE, which we always prefer, because…the girl be smokin’. She worked under Richard Nixon…um…FOR Richard Nixon. Pat Nixon worked under Richard Nixon…and was the sole beneficiary of the ‘Tricky Dicky’. Monica says she learned much from the 37th President. Like how to break into a hotel room when you can’t find your key, the best way to erase a tape, and how NOT to sweat on TV. Although, he was not particularly great at that last one.
“WELL, MS. CROWLEY, WHAT PAT AND I DO, IS THIS: I TAKE OFF MY PANTS, AND SHE GETS TOPLESS AND PUTS ON A STATUE OF LIBERTY CROWN, AND THEN WE DO IT TO THE SOUNDS OF ‘HAIL TO THE CHIEF’ WHILE I SCREAM ‘SOCKIT TO ME SOCKIT TO ME SOCKIT TO ME’. AND THEN, 90 SECONDS LATER, WHEN IT’S ALL OVER, AS I GO BACK TO MY OWN BEDROOM, I SAY, “AS I LEAVE YOU, I WANT YOU TO KNOW…THINK HOW MUCH YOU’RE GOING TO BE MISSING…YOU WON’T HAVE NIXON TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE.”
“UM…MR. PRESIDENT…I ASKED YOU WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU WANT TO ‘PASS THE BUCK’, NOT WHEN YOU ‘WANT SOME ASS AND FU… AH, NEVERMIND”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
SOME OF THE BEST FILM ACTING WE’VE EVER SEEN
(BUT THE CUBAN ACCENT IS AWFUL)