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    Thursday
    Jul242014

    Greased Lightning!

    6:05:10 a.m. – Gunz is back.  Just in the nick of time, as Warner tried to give his job away yesterday…going on and on about how impressive over his replacement was…his work ethic…his knowledge of sports… how he’s so great with the ladies…and his dynamic sense of style.  All Warner needed was a shovel…not for the heaps of B.S. he was piling up about the ‘New Kid’, but to dig the hole for Gunz…

    WARNER GETTING RID OF THE EVIDENCE

    “IF YOU GET THE GRAVE DUG…BUT FORGOT THE LIME…YOU LOST!”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Yesterday, one of the employees at the Ranch, Lucia, made an INSANE mistake, especially for someone who’s worked for the I-Man for more than twenty minutes…she asked him “How’s your birthday going?”  She’s currently ‘resting comfortably’ at Lovelace Medical Center, in Albuquerque, where she is being treated for multiple laceration wounds.

    “…Y entonces, él se volvió loco y comenzó la flagelación con su manguera oxígeno...”      (“…and then, he went crazy and started whipping me with his oxygen hose…”)

    6:08:06 a.m. –  The I-Man promos that Joan Rivers will be here tomorrow, and we are all excited…EVERYBODY LOVES JOAN RIVERS…well, that is, everybody except for Warner, who’s a little ‘Lukewarm’…to say the least.  He says he likes “…some of her stuff…”   SOME of her stuff?  Which stuff?   The tasteless and mean Liz Taylor jokes?  The tasteless and mean Anne Frank Jokes?  Or the tasteless and mean Michelle Obama jokes?  Which tasteless and mean jokes does he actually like?  The ones about Arthur Godfrey and Wendell Wilkie? 

      

       JOAN 1978  (L)                             JOAN 2014 (R)

    6:23:36 a.m. –  Connell reads an international news story that the Norwegian Intelligence Service has credible evidence to suggest that Syrian Islamic Militants are planning an attack on Norway.   The I-Man is not interested, at which point McShane questions the Boss’ sympathy for the Nordic population. Imus defends himself, claiming that he ‘Loves him some Norwegian people…especially those dudes from ABBA.’  Dagen corrects the I-Man, informing him that ABBA is a Swedish Pop Group.  But the real headline here is that Norway actually has an Intelligence Service.

    “BJORKLUND… ÁSBJÖRN BJORKLUND”

     HE IS THE ENTIRE NORWEGIAN INTELLIGENCE SERVICE

    BEWARE HIS ‘EXPLODING HERRING’ 

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on, and name drops… Weird Al Yankovic.  Yes, you read that right.   Mother F$%^ing,  Weird F$%^ing  Al, Mother F$%^ing Yankovic.  Stuart ranks Yankovic among the top 5 of all his guests.  Which gives you an idea of the level of guest Stuart normally features on his program.  And wonder who the other four are…


     THE OTHER FOUR IN STUART’S ‘TOP FIVE GUESTS’ 

    YAKOFF SMIRNOFF, JAMIE FARR, JOE PISCOPO AND NORMAN FELL

    (You could find better guests on Craig’s List)

    6:50:21 a.m. –  Dwight Yoakum texts the I-Man to tell him he’s going to Norway to do a concert.  The Boss wonders why he can’t go to the Mohegan Sun or some other Native American Casino.  Dagen notes that the Scandinavian Audiences are somewhat more esthetically pleasing to the eye than the fat, toothless goobers you’ll find at the slots. 

     TYPICAL NORWEGIAN AUDIENCE MEMBER       TYPICAL CASINO AUDIENCE MEMBER 

    7:05:28 a.m. – Ashley Webster is filling in for Lori Rothman, who is M.I.A.   We hope she’s okay…we fear the worst…but then we see that the National Association of Little People is having a convention.

    NALPA CONVENTION KEYNOTE SPEAKER:  MS. LORI ROTHMAN

    7:15:28 a.m. –  Warner reports that one of Queen Elizabeth’s racehorses, ‘Estimate’, has tested positive for Morphine.  How do you know when your horse is a junkie?  You catch him going down the back Fire Escape with your TV set.

    ‘ESTIMATE’ ON THE WAY TO THE ROYAL DOPE DEALER

    7:41:24 a.m. – MENSA MEETING – It appears that one of the topics is about Gunz’s interview with Slash from his namesake band, ‘Gunz n’ Roses’.  Apparently, Gunz talked to Slash about playing the guitar, which he does himself, quite well, to hear him talk about it.  He’s been taking Jazz Guitar lessons since he’s six.  So that’s who you’re listening to when you tune into the Weather Channel.  We can’t imagine what Slash might have been thinking talking to this dorky twerp who makes it seem like they actually have something in common.  What Gunz doesn’t seem to understand is that when Slash plays the Guitar, he gets laid.  When Gunz plays the Guitar he gets Carpal Tunnel.  Not from playing the guitar, but from the fact that he doesn’t get laid. 

    GUNZ WITH HIS NEW BFF…YOU KNOW, HE ALSO PLAYS GUITAR

    7:44:08 a.m. – The I-Man has to chastise Alan Colmes for ‘Banging the Microphone.’  BANGING THE…MICROPHONE?   Did he get it drunk first?  Imus accuses Alan of having an affair, which has inspired his makeover from shabbily attired, pale, ghoulish, walking dead, vampire liberal, to well dressed, makeup wearing, ghoulish, walking dead, vampire liberal. 

    WE DOUBT HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR…UNLESS IT’S WITH ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE NIGHT

    8:06:32 a.m. – As we all anxiously await the appearance of the Hysterically Funny Joan Rivers on tomorrow’s program, Deirdre says that Joan doesn’t get the credit that she deserves. This is simply not true.  We always give her attribution when we do her Liz Taylor Material.

    “ELIZABETH TAYLOR IS SO FAT, SHE PUTS MAYONNAISE ON ASPIRIN”  - JOAN RIVERS

    8:08:16 a.m. – Dagen talks about the NASCAR race at the Eldora dirt track, where they race a half a mile in trucks.  She convinced the I-Man to watch.  An African American, Bubba Wallace, won the race…and that would be the ‘New Face of NASCAR’.  Tony doesn’t agree…he thinks.. “A Black Man, driving a shiny new truck at 200 M.P.H. …. it’s going to be awfully hard to win after being pulled over 30 times during a race…

    BUBBA STOPPED FOR ‘D.W.B.’:

      “OFFICER, DO YOU MIND IF I PUT MY HANDS DOWN TO GET MY LICENSE?”

    8:25:14 a.m. –  Imus says that his hair, now, officially looks worse than Tom Petty’s. 

    NOTHING LOOKS WORSE THAN TOM PETTY’S HAIR…

    OKAY, WELL MAYBE NOT ‘NOTHING’…

    8:41:14 a.m. – I-Fave Hannah Storm is on, and the conversation turns towards MMA Fighter Ronda Rousey, who Hannah is very impressed with.  We assume that she goes on to extoll the virtues of the new Mixed Martial Arts Fighting Sensation, but we can’t hear a word she’s saying, as we can’t stop imagining the two of them Jello Wrestling.

    PUT THESE TWO IN THE ‘OCTAGON’, AND YOU’D BREAK PAY PER VIEW RECORDS FOR THE NEXT 100 YEARS

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In Tribute to Bubba Wallace, We Offer the Trailer to the Movie that The     Warner Brothers made about NASCAR Hall of Fame Driver, Wendell Scott

    Starring Richard Pryor

    “GREASED LIGHTNING”

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTlM__C5AbE

    Monday
    Jul212014

    The Results Are In!

    6:08:16 a.m. –  We get the results of the High School Rodeo Finals.  The I-Man has TWENTY pages of stats. And we just KNOW we’re going to hear every name and every time on every event throughout the morning. 

    NOT ONE OF THE WINNERS

    6:14:28 a.m. – Imus goes to Dagen with his observations on the Sports Center set, and, other than Hannah Storm, the inability of the female anchors to stand properly.  According to Dagen, women should always stand at an angle, with either the right or left hip pointed towards the camera, otherwise, they wind up looking like ‘The Side of a Barn’.  Rob immediately begins to turn to the side.  It doesn’t help.

    SARAH WALSH STANDING CORRECTLY ( L ) & INCORRECTLY ( R )

    6:18:06 a.m. – While we are still on the topic of physical appearances and the Sports World, Imus talks to Warner about the British Open and notes that Rickie Fowler needs to ‘Shave the Mustache’. 

    RICKIE FOWLER: WHAT LEONARDO DICAPRIO WOULD LOOK LIKE AS A PORN STAR

    6:19:30 a.m. – All things come in threes:  Next up to get critiqued on his ‘Look’ is former NASCAR driver, and now commentator, Rusty Wallace, who, the I-Man notes, “Looks like he has sex with fruit.”  Which we suppose is fine…as long as it’s not a banana.

    FRUIT ATTEMPTING TO HAVE SEX WITH FRUIT

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Bo is on, effusively complimenting the President’s handling of Malaysian Airlines situation-atation. Yah. According to Bo, who one might consider ‘Not an Obama Fan’  didn’t think the President jumped in front of the missile fast enough. 

    OBAMAMAN.  HIS KRYPTONITE IS…CONGRESS

    7:10:28 a.m. – The I-Man notes that, when Charles was still here, he could ask him anything, and he would know the answer.  Not so with Connell.  But if he asks Bernard, he ALWAYS has an answer.  Bernard is ‘Charles McCord Smart’.  Ok.  If God can do anything, could he make a rock so heavy that He Himself could not lift it?   Chew on that one for a while, Einstein.

    “E=MC HAMMER”

    7:10:28 a.m. – For those of you who wonder who won the Girls’ Goat Tying event at the High School Rodeo Finals, it was Mia Manzanares, from Opelousas, La. 

    SEEMS THAT QUITE A FEW OF THE BOYS AT THE COMPETITION OFFERED TO BE TIED UP BY MS. MANZANARES

    7:41:34 a.m. – IT MIGHT BE ELVIS The first entry is Swamp Dog’s cover of John Prine’s ‘Sam Stone’, the toe-tapper about a veteran returning to the U.S. as a Heroin Addict.  The panel all consider ‘Skin Popping’ themselves…just to get through it.  Next is Maddie & Tae’s ‘Girl in a Country Song’….   Dagen thinks it’s cute.  Imus says they are ‘New to Country’, and the picture suggests they are also new to ‘Puberty’ No wonder Imus likes them.  They look about the same age Deirdre was when they got engaged.  Weird Al Yankovic is next, with his ‘Wacky’ Song Parody of Pharrel’s ‘Happy’, entitled ‘Tacky’, a choice that make us suspect that the Boss is drinking again.  Townes Van Zandt’s ‘Pancho & Lefty’ sung by Willie Nelson could be the soundtrack to a PSA for the Anti-Marijuana Legalization Lobby. The last offering is “Problem” by Ariana Grande.  And…it’s a problem.  To say the least. 

    WEIRD CONNELL YANKOVIC

    8:06:32 a.m. – Imus says he’s happy that Roger Daltrey won the British Open.  We think he meant Rory McIlroy.  Who?  (See what we did there? Roger Daltrey is from the…forget it)  We forgive the I-Man for his faux pas.  Especially because Warner thinks it’s Rory Sparrow.

    CONGRATULATIONS, RORY.  CAN’T WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR WHEN YOU WIN THE MASTERS.  WE’D LOVE TO SEE YOU IN A GREEN JACKET

    8:14:28  – Warner reports that Rory McIlroy won the British Open with a 17 Over.  Wow.  That really MUST be a tough course.  765 yard Dog Leg Left Par 3’s over gasoline fire and landmines.  The I-Man says  “I think you need to take some time off, Warner. Eating all those Tuna Fish Sandwiches your brain has to be cooked with all that Mercury.”  We’re not sure that’s the case, although if Warner sticks his finger in your mouth, he can tell your temperature.

    “COME AWN!  IF YOU HAVE 101…YOU HAVE A FEVER!”

    8:15:14 a.m. –  Warner says he’s not interested in Science Fiction, so he didn’t see ‘Planet of the Apes’.  But yet, he saw ‘Sex Tape’.  In which, Jason Siegel ‘does it’ with Cameron Diaz.  Talk about ‘Science Fiction’.  

    “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  HELLL NO!!!!!!  NOT EVEN WITH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS’ D$%#!”

    8:17:54 a.m. –  Warner also has a story about ‘Unofficial’ Cubs’ Mascots, hustling fans in the Parking Lot, charging for photos outside Wrigley Field.  It’s like Yogi Bear stealing Picnic Baskets.  The fans should’ve realized that the Mascots were Bogus.

    NOT THE OFFICIAL CUBS’ MASCOT (SO DON’T LET HIM NEAR THE KIDS)

    8:37:14 a.m. –  Richard Haass President of the Council of Foreign Relations, (Which sounds like a firm that specializes in Mail Order Brides from the Philippines, or a Travel Agent who books trips to Bangkok) weighs in on the Malaysian Jet Tragedy.  But the biggest revelation from Mr. Haass is that he’s a huge fan of John Oliver. 

    MAYBE RICHARD IS JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH OF A JOHN OLIVER FAN

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    And So, In Honor of Richard Haas, We Offer a Clip of John Oliver From HBO’s

    Last Week Tonight From Last Night

      

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pz3syET3DY

    Friday
    Jul182014

    The I-Man Remembers All This Stuff

    6:05:10 a.m.  Ed Henry, White House Correspondent for Fox News has graciously phoned in to bring us up to speed with the Malaysian Air Crash caused by a Ukrainian Separatists’ Missile, and Israel launching a ground invasion in Gaza.    To quote Barry McGuire , “The eastern world it is explodin’ Violence flarin', bullets loadin'”   We DO believe we’re on the Eve of Destruction.  So have a cigarette, a couple shots of Tequila, call your Coke Dealer and get yourself some Hookers.  If you’re gonna go out, go out 80’s I-Man style.  While you’re at it, order a bunch of s#!+ from Amazon and rent 1000 pay per views.  It’s not like you’ll be around to pay for ‘em anyway.

      “THE PRECEEDING EXISTENCE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO BY THE BABY JESUS”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Imus gives a Shout Out to Harry Tucker, his former engineer at WNBC, who is retiring today after 44 years of service.  (It was actually only 24, but 10 of those were ‘Imus Years’ which count as double.)  Harry’s duties as board op was to engineer the program, play the music, make sure the spots ran, and make sure that when the I-Man was unconscious, he was face down so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit.  Not too many people know this, but Harry used to play old clips of Imus…to substitute for the unable to stand, sit or speak Imus…and NOBODY was any the wiser.  Thanks to Harry for giving us the blueprint for how to do the program when the Boss has ‘retired’.

    HARRY TUCKER, ON HIS FIRST DAY WITH IMUS

     

    HARRY TUCKER, AFTER HIS SECOND DAY WITH IMUS, TAKING A WALK ON THE GROUNDS OF THE SANITARIUM

    6:08:06 a.m. – The Boss relates the story about Harry ‘Dragging’ him to his son’s Bar Mitzvah, which Harry saw fit to hold on the opening day of the NFL Season, and so Imus sat through the ceremony with a portable TV.   And as the congregation heard something akin to this:  “Baruch aah eloheinu melech…THROW THE BALL!  THROW THE f%$#IN’ BALL YOU A@#HOLE!”  Imus says he was sweating in the Temple because of the lack of air conditioning…we believe it had more to do with the fact that like Satan, Imus would be sweating in ANY house of worship.

    “TODAY, I AM A MAN…AND THE GIANTS ARE LEADING THE PACKERS, 17 TO 10”

    6:40:08 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is on, and the I-Man asks her if she’s related to Dan Ingram.  Aside from the fact that their last names are spelled differently, the question reeks of those when a white guy meets a black person and finds out he lives in the same town as a black friend of his, and wonders if they know each other.

     

    LAURA & DAN. OH YEAH, YOU CAN DEFINITELY SEE THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE

    6:48:21 a.m. –  We were hoping that Laura wouldn’t finish her interview without treating us to one of her ‘Impressions’, and, lucky us, she leaves us with her ‘Janet Napolitano’.  How do we know it was Janet Napolitano?  She told us.

    INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, JANET DOES A KILLER LAURA INGRAHAM IMPRESSION, WHICH INVOLVES HER FLOODING HER EX-BOYFRIEND’S APARTMENT, AND THEN DOING A SCATHING ‘HILLARY CLINTON’ IMPRESSION

    7:05:28 a.m. – K.T. McFarland makes an appearance, as it’s times like these that she literally LIVES for.  She gives some incisive perspective not only on the Malaysian Jet that was shot down, but on the Israeli – Palestinian situation, which in her expert opinion is… ‘Bad’.  We’re not all that well-versed in such technical terminology, but we trust she knows what she’s talking about.

    “THIS IS MY RIFLE, THIS IS MY GUN…THIS IS FOR FIGHTING, AND THIS IS FOR STICKING IN YOUR FACE WHEN I DON’T LIKE THE WAY YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME.”

    7:19:42 a.m  –  Dagen’s Business report involves a story in which Fed Ex has been indicted on drug-trafficking charges that allege the shipping conspired to deliver drugs for illegal Internet Pharmacies.  Well, they DO get your drugs to you overnight.  Cialis may give you 72 hours, but your old lady might not.  You don’t want to be waiting on U.P.S. Ground.

    NO, HE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE HE’S OPENED ANY OF YOUR OXYCODONE

    7:38:24 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS !   A question tailor-made for Nat, ‘Will the Mets Win 90 Games?’  According to Stage Manager Candido, “The All-Star Break is traditionally considered the ‘Half-Way’ point in the Major League Baseball Season, and how many games have the Mets won up until now?  45.  What’s half of 90?  45.”  We didn’t know that there was going to be Math Questions on this test.  All we know is, at the beginning of the Season, the Mets’ ‘Magic Number was 162.

    IF THE TEAM DOES, IN FACT, WIN 90 GAMES, ‘MRS. MET’  MIGHT ACTUALLY GIVE ‘MR. MET’ SOME ‘RAWHIDE’ AND HE WON’T HAVE TO ‘KNUCKLEBALL’ HIMSELF…OR, FOR THAT MATTER, CRUISE THE CONCESSION LEVEL FOR SOME ‘FURRIES’

     

    “SO UH…DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?”

    7:42:16a.m. – Alexis  Bloomer, the lovely daughter of Randy Bloomer, (Of Bloomer Trailers)  is visiting the control room, and the I-Man thinks she might be a good match for Gunz.  It’s a millisecond before he and the entire panel, (Except of course, for Gunz) realize that, not only  does he not have a shot at Alexis Bloomer…he’s got NO shot at anything WEARING Bloomers.

    THE VERY LOVELY AND TALENTED MISS ALEXIS BLOOMER

    “DUDE-EROTOMY”  19:17

    8:06:32 a.m. – Imus gets a song sent to him by Sam Moore’s wife, Joyce.  It’s Nu Blu and Sam, with a new version of Lance Miller’s ‘George Jones and Jesus’. He plays it off his iPhone into the microphone, then has Lou play the original version, which leads us to believe that the late, great George is the lucky one, as he didn’t have to hear either of them, due to the fact that…well, Ol’ Possum ‘Stopped Loving ANYTHING  Since April 2013’ JESUS would never allow George to sit through it.  I-Man says that the problem with songs like this, is that he “Remembers all this stuff:  Of course, he means the original song, although, at first, we think he means he remembers Jesus.  “I was down there at the Railroad Depot when the boy got kilt!  I said ‘Don’t you go downtown messin’ with them Jews ‘less you got some MONEY in your pocket!”

    THANKS, JOYCE.  WE CAME ‘THIS CLOSE’ TO MEETING BOTH GEORGE JONES AND  JESUS…AT OUR OWN HAND…JUST TO MAKE THE PAIN STOP.     

    8:28:14 a.m. – Imus relates that this ‘Nu Blu’ group is a ‘Bluegrass’ group, and ‘Bluegrass’ is the kind of music listened to, and played by, the inbred…you know, when ‘Relations have relations’… ‘The Game the Whole Family Can Play’.  Lou eventually downloads the song, and, we have to say, now that we are hearing it in true high fidelity, and not through an iPhone speaker…it still sucks.  Probably because it’s not a ‘cover’, it’s an entirely different song using the conceit originally created by Lance Miller…called ‘Jones & Jesus’.  He’s upset that the inbred Goobers got poor ol’ Sam Moore involved in all of this.  Then Dagen relates that George Jones HIMSELF wrote a song called ‘Me and Jesus’…which just proves our theory that there’s only three original country songs in existence…the rest are all ripoffs.

    JIM CARREY STARRING IN ‘THE GEORGE JONES STORY’

    (DESPITE THE RUMORS, JIM DOES NOT HAVE  POSSUM SING OUT OF HIS BUTT)

    8:34:23 a.m. –  Bernie plays a clip of MSNBC’s Krystal Ball interviewing an ‘Eyewitness’ to the bombing of the Malaysian Plane…who maintains that it was knocked out of the sky by ‘Wind from Howard Stern’s Ass.’   She then goes on to elaborate on the likelihood of the missile being fired from the ground…prompting the ‘Expert’ to say, “Boy, you really are a dumbass.”  Of course, now she knows who fired the missile:  Bababooey.  But our takeaway from this tragedy is, if your last name is ‘Ball’, you shouldn’t be naming your kids ‘Krystal’, or, for that matter, ‘Harry’. 

    KRYSTAL BALL SHOWS US HOW RUDOLPH GOT THE RED NOSE

    8:41:14 a.m. – Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on, and the I-Man begins the interview with a laser sharp question:  “So uh…what’s going on in Israel?”  Well, it’s 8:42 a.m. here, so, we guess, they’re going to the Lowenfeld Bar Mitzvah after lunch.   LTC Cowan is the kind of guy who SHOULD be air dropped over there, because within about 8 minutes, there would be Peace in the Middle East, as both the Israelis and the Palestinians would be too awestruck to shoot at each other, let alone run the risk of catching him in the crossfire.  Because it would only make him…angry.

    THE LIEUTENANT COLONEL…AND HIS PENIS

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AS A TRIBUTE TO OUR OLD PAL, HARRY TUCKER,

    (WHO YOU CAN SEE IN THIS CLIP, DUTIFULLY OPERATING THE BOARD)

    WE HUMBLY OFFER:

    A RARE LOOK AT THE MAGIC OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, RECORDED IN 1984 AND AIRED IN 1985 ON ONE OF THE THREE DAYS THE I-MAN WAS ACTUALLY AT WORK  

    (WITH BONUS FOOTAGE OF AN 11 YEAR OLD MIKE LUPICA, WOLFMAN JACK, AND THE I-MAN ON VH1!!!)

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kitmY2PWQFU

    Thursday
    Jul172014

    John Hiatt is Here!

    6:05:10 a.m. –  John Hiatt is here this morning…and we’re not sure how it’s going to go back here in the Green Room.  We were not huge fans of ‘Old People’.  The song…and, by the way, actual ‘Old People’. 

    YES, SHE’S ‘PUSHY’…AND YES, SHE’S ‘MOOSHY’…WE JUST HOPE SHE’S NOT ‘BUSHY’

    6:17:14 a.m. –  Dagen has GOOD news on the Financial Front for a change!  Proctor and Gamble are going back into the Adult Diaper Business!  Which means the I-Man will have more choices.

    TAKING LEMONS…AND MAKING LEMONADE…SO TO SPEAK.

    6:20:36 a.m. – Warner does a story about how The Washington Wizards have hired Kevin Durant’s High School Basketball Team’s Assistant Coach to be in charge of their Player Development Program, with an eye towards having him in place for recruitment of Kevin during his impending free-agency in 2016.  This is a difficult time for Warner.  There is NOTHING going on in Sports.  It doesn’t make the reports any shorter, however, because he is now doing stories that won’t actually happen for another two years.

    KEVIN DURANT TODAY (L) AND AS HE WILL BE WHEN WARNER’S STORY IS RELEVANT (R)

    6:40:08 a.m. –  John Hiatt sings ‘Face of God’, which features the lyric:  “Tell me how much more suffering before you see the Face of God.”   We’re not sure, but we think we’re about to find out.

    DON’T WORRY…THE SONG IS ALMOST OVER AND YOU WILL SEE JESUS

    6:41:21 a.m. –  Bret Baier provides some insight on the  “Israeli / Gaza Deal”, as the I-Man so adroitly puts it.  It’s comforting to hear the ongoing  Israeli–Palestinian conflict wherein militant actions escalated in the Gaza Strip following the overwhelming election to government of the Islamic political party Hamas, split of the Palestinian Authority to Fatah government in the West Bank as… a ‘deal’.  What’s next?  “Boy those 60,000 kids at the border…is an icky situation.”

    ‘AL-HABIBI’ AND ‘SHMULEY’ THE OFFICAL MASCOTS OF THE ISRAELI/PALESTINIAN CONFLICT

    7:05:28 a.m. – The I-Man begins the top of the hour, sharing the story of his Odyssey of sobriety, as today is his 27th Anniversary of not having a drink..  He relates that he stopped doing cocaine…as the payback was too much, not the least of which, was finally crashing and then waking up to discover his Astor Place Penthouse had turned into an ‘Orphanage for Hookers’.  This led to an increase in his drinking…which ended on July 17th, 1987.   All kidding aside, we salute the Boss and congratulate him on reaching his milestone.  852,037,001.  That’s B…B…B… BILLION.   

    THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, BOSS   

    7:21:42 a.m  –  John Hiatt performs ‘Marlene’, which features the lyrics:  Well I can mumble and I can squat, you got me talkin’ that baby talk, I try to run but I can’t even walk…Marlene, Marlene.    Mumbling? Squatting?  Can’t Walk?  If he’d just replaced one of the ‘Marlene’s with ‘Can’t Breathe’ this could be the I-Man’s theme song. 

    MUMBLIN’, SQUATTIN’, AND BARELY  WALKIN’, JOHN HIATT

    7:37:24 a.m. – MENSA MEETING- without the only one who could probably qualify for enrollment, Alan Colmes, who is out this morning, ‘Getting his blood changed’, according to Imus.  He has to do that every couple of months, unless he’s able to order some Transylvanian Soil for his coffin.

    ALAN TAKING A LONG-DESERVED NAP 

    (APPARENTLY, HE’S SLEEPING OFF THE BLOODY MARYS)

    7:40:08 a.m. –  First topic up is a study that suggests women get much more defensive and protective of their man when another woman is in the room wearing a red dress.  Deirdre says, it’s not just red.  A blue dress caused some trouble for…a certain former president.  Bernie says he loves him a cougar in a form fitting red pantsuit.  Dagen maintains that’s only because he loves the concomitant ‘camel toe’.  Camel Toe.  Yes, she did, indeed, utter the words ‘Camel Toe’.  Come back soon, Alan.  Please?

    “GUESS WHAT I GOT?   GUESSSSS WHAT I GOT? MIKE!  MIKEMIKEMIKEMIKEMIKE!  GUESS WHAT I GOT?  LOOK AT MY FEET!  LOOOOK AT MY FEET!   GUESS WHAT I GOT?”

    7:44:59 a.m. – Gunz uses a term that is Bo-Worthy:  “Re-Habituated”.  Which, we THINK, is a compound word, combining Rehabilitation, Recapitulation, and Rehabitation, which is the Reintroduction of a Gerbil to a Habit Trail.  Something that Gunz has much experience with.  The Gerbil, that is.

    ‘NOT NOW, GUNZ, I HAVE A HEADACHE’

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man is irritated that we are on WABC, one of the iconic radio stations in broadcast history, and yet we have a pre-recorded weather report.  This is not Ashfork, Arizona, this is New York, New York.  But, while we’re on the subject, and if you should be travelling to Ashfork, today it will be partly cloudy, with winds coming out of the southwest at 8 miles an hour, with a high of 77 degrees, and a low of 44 with a 0% chance of precipitation.

    DeSOTO’S BEAUTY SALON, ON ROUTE 66 IN ASHFORK, ARIZONA, WHERE, IT APPEARS, THERE AREN’T THE BEST DRIVERS IN THE WORLD.  EITHER THAT, OR THEY REALLY SHOULD START TIPPING THEIR VALET PARKING ATTENDANTS

    8:08:16 a.m. – Warner Wolf provides an update on the British Open, which is being held at Royal Liverpool Golf Club, where the Beatles used to play between records. 

    GEORGE USUALLY CADDIED,

    DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE WAS KNOWN AS ‘THE UNDER PAR ONE’

    8:38:14 a.m. – John Hiatt does a couple more songs.  And, to quote a famous historical figure… “This stuff isn’t bad…if you’re shooting heroin while you’re listening to it.”  We get out a rubber hose and tie off.   Unfortunately…it doesn’t help.  Ironic, that this morning, on the 27th Anniversary of the I-Man’s Sobriety,

    THE COVER TO JOHN’S NEXT ALBU

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE ISRAELI / PALESTINIAN CONFLICT COULD BE SETTLED AS SIMPLY AS THIS:

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIZtFRV59mI

     

    Wednesday
    Jul162014

    Happy Birthday Dr. Bill!

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man tells a story about, Doug Crispin, the Official Imus Ranch Horse Shoer, giving his 9 Year Old Daughter a pump-action shotgun and a taxidermy Catfish head for Valentine’s Day.  That’s the story.  And Kinky didn’t even tell it. 

    NOTHING SAYS ‘”I LOVE YOU” MORE THAN A DEAD FISH AND A GUN

    6:07:14 a.m. – There’s a news story about the best airlines in the world, and NONE of them on the list are North American.   Connell asks, “Aer Lingus?”  and Lori feigns shock and surprise.  “That’s not what I heard” she says.   Oh.  We get it.  And so, apparently, does she. 

    LORI SHOULD LIKE THIS AIRLINE.  IT’S RUN BY LEPRECHAUNS

    6:20:06 a.m. –  The I-Man notices that Warner is wearing the same shirt as he did yesterday, (something which, only the I-Man would notice) and Warner informs him that he has a number of the same style shirt, (something to which, only the I-Man could relate) and when Imus asks Warner who makes them, Warner says he doesn’t know, his wife picks out his clothes.  It’s not all that hard, Warner…you match the ‘Elephant’ Pants with the ‘Elephant’ Top.  Sometimes, if you’re feeling bold, you can mix it up and wear the ‘Giraffe’ instead.

    YOU TOO, CAN LOOK AS FASHIONABLE AS WARNER

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Mike Baker is on to address the Israeli Crisis.  Just to be clear, this isn’t a ‘Best of Imus’ clip of Mr. Baker from any point over the past five years…as the situation hasn’t changed a bit.  His professional assessment of the state of the Middle East is incisive: “It’s F%$#ed up.”  

    EVERYTHING’S JUST ‘HUNKY DORY’ IN THE MIDDLE EAST

    6:41:21 a.m. –  ‘Former’ C.I.A. Operative Baker makes a reference to ‘We’ when talking about the Central Intelligence Agency.  We?  As in ‘US’?  As in ‘The Royal We’?   What’s this ‘We’ &#!+, Kemosabe?   WE thought you were RETIRED.  Mike says he’s been on the road shooting stories for his Travel Channel Series:  “World Access”.  So that’s what the C.I.A. calls Terrorists:  ‘Stories’.       

     A COUPLE OF ‘STORIES’ MIKE’S WORKING ON

    NOW THAT HIS COVER’S BEEN BLOWN, MIKE BAKER, AGENT 42- 25- 38,

    MUST USE A CLEVER DISGUISE

    7:05:28 a.m. – Imus is reading Thomas Hauser’s Muhammed Ali, His Life and Times., and he remarks that he gets so involved in a book, he loses track of time.  He missed the All-Star Game, and when he finally looked up at the clock, it was Midnight.  When he reads, he doesn’t like to get up to go to the bathroom…which is really one of those ‘Distinctions Without a Difference.’

    WHEN HE WAS OUR AGE, BOOKS WERE CALLED ‘STONE TABLETS’

    7:15:30 a.m  –  Bigfoot puts up a photo of a new billboard on 8th Avenue, featuring a graphic of a Mets Fan, who looks remarkably like our very own Mets Fanatic, Nat Candido.

     

    WE THINK NAT’S GOT A LAWSUIT.  FRED AND JEFF WILPON BETTER PAY UP.

    7:22:34 a.m. –  Dagen reads a story about the Record Setting Starbucks Order, a 60 Shot Frappuccino that cost 60 dollars and 58 cents.  The woman who ordered it earlier this week, didn’t actually pay for it, she cashed in her ‘Rewards’ card.  As of this writing, she is still wide awake. 

    AND SHE HAS PEED 987 TIMES SINCE YESTERDAY

    (ONE THING’S FOR SURE…SHE DIDN’T NEED THAT BRAN MUFFIN, EITHER)

    7:23:46 a.m. – The I-Man relates that, he too, cashed in his Starbucks Rewards Card the other day.  He traveled to Santa Fe to do so.  A place that Dagen has accurately described as “Home to a bunch of old, divorced women, trying to be Georgia O’Keefe, making vagina shaped vases.”   Not to put too fine a point on it.

    AND IT’S ACTUALLY ANATOMICALLY CORRECT TOO.

    (BUT YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE WATER ONCE A MONTH)

    7:41:32 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE  One of the topics…(Thanks Tony) is about the new study that reveals smelling your own…er…flatus…flatulence…oh, okay, FARTS, is actually healthy.  The I-Man asks Deirdre if she farts.  You’d think after 20 years of marriage, he’d know by now.  What is he kidding?  With all that roughage she eats?  She’s lucky she doesn’t blow out the seat of her jeans.  According to Deirdre, hers don’t make noise.  Well. There’s a difference between not making noise and Imus’ ability to actually hear them.   Ok.  He may be deaf…but we assume he still has a sense of smell.

    A LADY UTILIZES HER ‘JET POWER’ TO SWIM FASTER THAN THE DOLPHINS

      DEIRDRE WITH THE ‘ONE CHEEK SNEAK’

    WE WILL NEVER EVER PULL LIS’S FINGER AGAIN. 

    8:04:08a.m. – It’s Dr. Bill’s birthday.  How do we know?  He’s been tweeting about it all morning.  We’re not sure what his story is, but we assume in the ‘Mid to High Fifties.’  He’s certainly ‘Partly Cloudy’, that’s for sure.

    ONE OF THESE TEMPERATURES IS ALSO DR. BILL’S AGE

    8:29:16 a.m. – Bernie Briefing.  A couple was arrested for having sex on the roof of a Chipotle Restaurant in Delaware.  A group gathered around to watch the two of them ‘Bury the Burrito’.  Which is nothing out of the ordinary…there’s always a line at ‘Chipotle’

    “I THINK I MAY PASS ON THE GUACAMOLE TODAY”

    8:38:14 a.m. – Bernard Goldberg.  He begins his interview by saying he hasn’t been right since Kinky told his ‘Birdseed’ ‘Joke’ on Monday.  So the I-Man tells it.  Again.  It’s not the kind of story that improves upon re-telling. 

    “BLIMEY!  IS THAT FAT DRUNK CRYING?”

    8:442:14 a.m. –  Bernie relates a story about a feud with Jon Stewart, that ended in Jon’s hiring a Black Church Choir to sing  ‘Bernie Goldberg, go F***  Yourself!’  for 12 minutes.   Which is not all that remarkable.  What’s remarkable is that Bernie listened to it long enough to know they were singing F*** You for 12 minutes.

    INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, BERNIE GOLDBERG WAS ABLE TO HIRE THE VERY SAME CHOIR TO SING ‘EAT $#!+, JON STEWART’

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    VISUAL PROOF THAT EVERYBODY DOES IT…AND THEY’RE NOT SILENT

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO3lgO55kuY