6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man has received a promotion. He is now Generalissimo J.D. Imus. Of the New Liberation Front. !Viva La Causa! Free Huey! Tony tells him that “The Rebels are 10 miles outside of the city. We can have you on a plane to Miami in 20 minutes, if you’d like to leave now, sir.”
WITH THAT HAIR…HE’S LIKELY TO BE COURT-MARSHALLED
6:07:14 a.m. – Connell reads the news report out of Sayreville, where the cancelled Football Season has not stopped the Marching Band, who will continue playing without there being a game. Isn’t that what you call practice? The NFL got wind of the situation and seeing as how they have experience marching with nobody in the stands, has offered them a gig to do half time at Jets Games.
6:07:59 a.m. – The I-Man was hoping for a Giants sweep, so that everyone who traveled to Kansas City to root for their long-suffering Royals. However, they broke a 2/2 tie last night with 5 more runs. And so now, he’s a staunch K.C. fan. That is, until they go to San Francisco on Friday and lose to the Giants, that is, if history has told us anything…not about the Royals…but about the I-Man’s Team Loyalty.
6:07:14 a.m. – The story on the White House Fence Jumper has left Dagen… ‘unsympathetic’, to say the least, to the Secret Service for allowing the nut job to break into the grounds and proceed to beat up the guard dogs. Which, we are sure, was quite a surprise…to the dogs. “Shoot him in the face!” she offers. WE hope she doesn’t mean the dog. “Nobody will ever do it again.” Oh. Well, okay then. You’re right. Nobody WOULD do it again. Certainly not that guy.
6:38:08 a.m. – Just before Bret Baier, the I-Man says that he’s ordered stuff from Pro Rodeo Gear, and usually gets it ‘Overnight Air’. This time, he ordered sweatshirts for he and Wyatt, and did ‘2nd Day Air’, because he didn’t necessarily need them in his typical alcoholic instant gratification way. However: “What they don’t tell you, is that it’s 2 days AFTER it’s shipped.” Unacceptable. To log a complaint on behalf of the I-Man, please call the people at Pro Rodeo Gear.
Don’t be afraid to make multiple calls. It’s toll-free.
(Which, of course, they will have to pay for)
6:46:16 a.m. – “I know we’re talking about a lot of serious stuff,” Imus says to Bret Baier after discussing the break-in at the White House grounds and the Terror Attack in Ottawa, “…but you don’t seem all that happy to be talking to me.” Boy, you can’t put anything past the I-Man. The Boss mentions to Baier that, when you watch the news, it seems like “The wheels are coming off the world.” Well…yeah. You turn on the news, what do you expect? “Our top story tonight…everything’s copacetic! It’s all good. How are things on your end?”
THIS ‘HAPPY CASTER’ TAKES A NAP WAITING FOR SOME BAD NEWS TO REPORT
7:10:26 a.m. – The normally ‘Patient to a Fault’ I-Man plays Aretha Franklin’s cover of Chaka Khan’s and Whitney Houston’s ‘I’m Every Woman’, because she drops a little ‘R.E.S.P.E.C.T.’ in the middle. “C’mon…let’s get to the Respect Part.” He says to Aretha…and we fear he thinks she can hear him. She’s obviously not ‘Every Woman’. She’s not even a woman who can sing this song. C.O.N.T.E.M.P.T. Find out what it means to me.
7:32:10 a.m. – THE MENSA MEETING We wonder what’s the Over/Under on how long until the first EBOLA reference is made. The smart money is ‘On the way into the studio.’
DEIRDRE, GUNZ, ALAN COLMES AND BERNARD HEAD INTO THE STUDIO FOR ‘THE MENSA MEETING’
7:41:24 a.m. – “WHERE ARE THE PIT BULLS?” Deirdre wants to know, so incensed is she by the ineptitude of the Secret Service at the White House. Pit Bulls? Well, there’s one sitting across from her on the panel. In the middle of her tirade, she interrupts Bernard, (“The only one on the panel who makes sense” in the I-Man’s view) to say that “Dagen has NEVER looked better. She is…HOT!” Okay, now we are too. A little ‘Blonde on Brunette’ action? Or as we like to call it, ‘Betty and Veronica in a Pile.’
7:43:17 a.m. – “Gunz should not be allowed to vote. Gunz should not be allowed to have MONEY.” The I-Man appears somewhat on the fence about Mr. Gunzelman. “And you will never in your life have sex with any woman who looks as good as Dagen.” Whew! That’s one image we can remove from our ‘Spank Bubbles’.
GUNZ SHOWS OFF HIS NEW HAIRCUT. HE IS DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN
7:47:56 a.m. – “When did you EVER look YOUNG? Except in your baby pictures! When you were TEN you looked old!” Deirdre, with a harsh assessment of her loving husband.
THE I-TOT: “EVERYBODY SAY…BAYYYYYYBEEEEEE!”
8:06:32 a.m. – Connell reports that Oscar Pistorius cried himself to sleep in prison. Probably because they took away those Venetian Blinds he has for feet. At least he was able to GO to sleep. Most 1st time jailbirds cry…and are AFRAID to sleep. Because their cellmate is ‘spooning’ them.
“HEY PISTORIUS. WHICH ONE WOULD YOU RATHER BE? THE HUSBAND? OR THE WIFE? THE HUSBAND? OKAY, GOOD CHOICE. NOW, WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER HERE AND LET YOUR WIFE PUT HER PENIS IN YOU?”
8:07:11 a.m. – Connell reports on the two Dallas nurses who were infected with Ebola…which leads the I-Man to believe that they’re still in Dallas. They’re not in Dallas, in fact, one was in Atlanta, the other in Bethesda. “Stop making mistakes” he tells Connell. “Brett Baier doesn’t make mistakes, Connell.” “Oh really?” Connell says. “I guess we’ll have to DVR his newscast and monitor him for 21 days.” Pretty feisty for Connell. Charles would never make a mistake like that. Of course, Charles couldn’t figure out how to program a DVR either!
THE ONLY MISTAKE CHARLES MADE WAS…NOT GETTING OUT SOONER
8:38:14 a.m. – The legendary Record Producer and Music Impresario, Clive Davis is here to promote his latest project, Aretha Franklin’s new album ‘Aretha Franklin Sings the Great Diva Classics’. It’s a hit, obviously, not just because the songs are great, or that Aretha is great…it’s because…it’s a Clive Davis project. And with Clive Davis…failure is not an option.
DESPITE HIS POSITION AS A MAN OF GREAT POWER, HE PROVES THE ADAGE THAT ‘THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE NICER THEY ARE.’ EXCEPT, OF COURSE FOR VAN MORRISON. (WHO CLIVE DAVIS NEVER DID A RECORD WITH, BY THE WAY)
VIDEO OF THE DAY
OUT OF THESE THREE GUARD DOGS…PICK THE ONE WHO COULD WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE
“DON’T WORRY…I GOT YOUR BARK…I MEAN…BACK.”