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    Wednesday
    Aug202014

    Unfunny

    6:05:10 a.m. –  Shooter Jennings and the Band are here this morning.  And the I-Man says he’s going to let him sing.  Because there’s no point in having Shooter Jennings on unless you’re going to let him sing.  The News Sucks, The Sports sucks, Everybody and EveryTHING sucks.  Might as well just have Shooter sing all morning.  He could probably do it, too.  AND the band.  They seem to have a lot of energy for folks who have been up for the last 3 days, but then again, ‘Musicians lead complicated lives.’  

    SHOOTER JENNINGS.  PUTTING THE ‘O’ BACK IN COUNTRY

    6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man catches a glimpse of himself in the monitor, and notices that he’s having a bad hair day, which is a relative term, especially when you consider that he hasn’t combed it  all summer.  Today, however, it is particularly ‘Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty’.  (From the Original Cast Recording of ‘Hair’)

    ART GARFUNKEL CALLED. AT FIRST, HE WANTED HIS HAIR BACK.  NOW, HE’S NOT TOO SURE

    6:17:39 a.m. –  Dagen reports that the acts who are to play at the Super Bowl halftime show may have to PAY to perform.  Among those being considered on the short list for next year’s game are Rihanna, Katy Perry…and Coldplay.  COLDPLAY?  COLDF*CKINGPLAY?   I-Man remarks, “How far down on the list do you have to go before you get to Coldplay?”   Well, Carol Channing entertained during Superbowl IV, and the only way they could top that was to have the Whitest Singers in Captivity, ‘Up With People’, who did it FIVE TIMES.  But when you compare them to other SuperBowl Halftime Show Headliners like N’Sync, The Black Eyed Peas and Boys II Men, we think we’d probably prefer ‘Up With People’.   

    “AND NOW, OUR TRIBUTE TO ‘TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN’!!!!!”

    6:18:36 a.m. –  The Boss says that he’s out of it this morning, because he spent all evening ready the ‘Unauthorized’ biography of Axl Rose.  Well that makes sens….WHAT?  Is he serious?  The Unauthorized Biography of Axl Rose?  Guess it’s better than the “Unauthorized AUTO Biography”.  But that would suggest that Mr. Rose didn’t give himself permission to write about himself.  Which is a moot point anyway, as we’re relatively sure Axl is illiterate.  Which means he’s 52 but he reads at a 9 Month Old’s level.

    AXL ROSE…LOOKS LIKE HE’S GONNA BE ‘KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVEN’S DOOR’ BEFORE THE WEEKEND’S OUT.  ONE THING’S FOR SURE: HE’S GOT AN ‘APPETITE’ FOR MORE THAN JUST ‘DESTRUCTION’

    6:26:40 a.m. –  Bernie’s Briefing includes a story about Cindy Crawford taking her kids out of school after testing revealed that the infrastructure has high levels of polychlorinated biphenyls, or PCB’s, which are VERY toxic.  (As opposed to the highly toxic levels found on the bugs jumping off of Cindy’s former husband, Richard Gere, the gerbil-lover)  Imus, however, hears ‘Cindy Crawford’ as ‘Cindy Lauper’.  Which is troubling to say the least.  We already know he’s deaf.  Maybe he’s blind as well?

    OH YEAH, THAT’S AN EASY MISTAKE.   

    6:30:52a.m. –  Shooter sings for the first time.  It’s a song off his new EP, a tribute to George Jones.  This one is ‘Don’t Wait Up  (I’m Playing Possum)’   When you get to thinking about it, you probably shouldn’t  wait up for ol’ George.  We don’t think he’s just ‘playin’ possum’.   If he is, he’s been playing it for a little over a year now.  Which isn’t all that easy when you have six feet of dirt on top of you.

    THE LATE GEORGE JONES.  WELL, HE’S NOT LATE, HE AIN’T SHOWIN’ UP.   SEE…HE’S NOT COMPOSING…HE’S DECOMPOSING.

    6:40:08 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on, to discuss ISIS and the increasing tensions in the Middle East.  She says that she meets the most intelligent, interesting, and engaging people in the Green Room.  We thank her for her kind words as she leaves, then says, “Not you two fat assh*les.  I meant Shooter and the Band.”    Thanks, Grandma.

     

    K.T. WHEN SHE FIRST CAME TO FOX ( L )  AND AS SHE IS TODAY ( R )

    7:07:28 a.m. – Connell reports on the situation in Ferguson, and is confused as to what to call it.  Is it an altercation?  Is it a confrontation?  He tells the audience ‘You decide’.   The I-Man says that McShane shouldn’t put the onus on us.  That’s HIS job.  Imus doesn’t want to have to decide.  So just tell him what the deal is and he’ll go with that. The Boss compares this shirking of responsibility to when, at a concert, the singer holds the microphone out to the audience to have them sing.  Hey, motherf*cker, we paid to hear YOU sing.  Don’t be getting us involved.  Of course, when at a Miley Cyrus concert, one should take EVERY opportunity to sing, just to keep her from doing so. 

    IN BRUCE’S CASE…IT’S BECAUSE HE’S FORGOTTEN THE LYRICS

    7:28:42 a.m. –   Deirdre brings the I-Man a cold baked potato for breakfast.  Imus feigns surprise, and then irritation, when, in fact, she’s just being romantic.  On their first date, the Boss had one stuffed down in his Wrangler Jeans.  Unfortunately, he didn’t know it was supposed to go in the front.

    “HOLY IDAHO, BATMAN!  IS THAT A SPUD IN YOUR TIGHTS, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE CATWOMAN?”

    7:32:34 a.m. – Shooter sings George Jones’ ‘The Door’.  It’s actually better than the George Jones’ version.  At least the version he does now.  Which is virtually unlistenable.  Well, not virtually…it’s ACTUALLY unlistenable.  Because the lid on the box has been screwed shut.

    “LORD, NOTHING HAS EVER HURT ME MORE THAN THAT LONELY SOUND,  THE CLOSING OF THE DOOR”

    GOOD.  GET OUT.  AND STAY OUT 

    7:41:24 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE – It starts off contentiously with an argument over shoe size, and then degenerates to a discussion of ‘The Nutri-Bullet’, which does to food what your teeth can’t do.  Which, in the I-Man’s case, would be…chew anything tougher than tapioca puddin’.  Then they talk about SeaWorld not releasing the whales.  Deirdre, of course, environmentalist and animal lover that she is, thinks they definitely should.  Lis disagrees, saying that it’s just like zoos, SeaWorld is a place where people can go see the critters.  Deirdre says to Lis, “I hope Shamu eats you!”    As Imus notes, we…um…don’t want to go ‘there’.

    “HEY LADY, THOSE LITTLE FISH AIN’T GONNA DO IT.   COME A LITTLE CLOSER I WANT TO TELL YOU A SECRET.”

    8:26:16 a.m. –  The Cindy Crawford story is brought up again.  Deirdre complains that Cindy is late to the party, there’s been PCB’s in Malibu for years.  Right.  Imus agrees.  “She should take the caulk out, right Deirdre?”  he asks her on camera.  She concurs.  “Yes, take the caulk out.”   Which is a phrase that Deidre hasn’t uttered to Imus for years.

    SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF A STICKY SUBSTANCE

    8:27:14 a.m. –  Shooter plays the classic George Jones’ hit ‘If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me.’   Which, fortunately, it didn’t do to the I-Man. 

    8:40:14 a.m. – Shooter plays ‘She Thinks I Still Care’.  Which, unfortunately, we don’t.  At least when it comes to George Jones.  However…

    8:53:11 a.m. – Shooter does an original tune, ‘Livin’ in a Minor Key’, which holds up against all the George Jones songs he’s played all morning, in fact, it’s arguably much better than any of Jones’, and is the I-Man’s favorite on Shooter’s new EP, ‘Don’t Wait Up.’  When it comes to the I-Man, he’s not living in a minor key, it’s a Seventh Flat Nine Subdominant Chord.   Which is Major.

     

    YOU CAN MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH A ‘SUB’ AND A ‘DOMINANT’ AS LONG AS THEY BOTH AGREE ON A SAFE WORD.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    CATCH THE LOVE WAVE!  ‘ UP WITH PEOPLE’, SUPERBOWL XVI

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4mTTigqTSA

     

    Comments From the I-Man: Rob and Tony have 4 hours to write down what happened on the program. Is that what they do? No, of course not...they write down what they 'think' happened on the program and then...oh this is where it really gets great...and then they add stuff that they think is funny. They had four hours to open their fu*king mics and say something, actually anything, funny and of course, did not. No...they take things that were funny on the program and make then 'unfu*kingfunny' in their stupid blog. And could they suck up to Shooter enough? 

    Monday
    Aug182014

    Reasonable

    6:05:10 a.m. –  Warner is reluctant to pick who he believes will be the Browns’ Quarterback this season.  The I-Man is firmly ensconced in Johnny Football’s camp, while Warner remains in ‘Undecided’s’ camp.  After some prodding, Warner admits there is a 60% chance that it will be Manziel.  Which is about as often as Warner is correct.  However, that percentage diminishes greatly when it comes to his prowess in predicting the NFL games.  Last year, Warner finished behind a Feces Throwing Monkey named BoBo who successfully chose Indianapolis over Kansas City while taking The Seahawks and giving the points in the Super Bowl.

    JOHNNY, WARNER HARDLY KNEW YE

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Connell reports that they didn’t give David Gregory a chance to say ‘Goodbye’ on his final ‘Meet the Press’.  Imus says that David is a “Dick with a Capital ‘D’.”   We always thought he was a ‘Douchebag with a Capital D’.  NBC, however, DID say ‘Goodbye’ to HIM..  In a written message.  On a pink slip.  “Dear Mr. Gregory, please be advised that after your Broadcast of August 18th 2014, you will ‘Get the F*ck out.’” 

    DAVID GREGORY ( L ) ON HIS LAST DAY ON ‘MEET THE PRESS’  COINCIDENTALLY, IT WAS ALSO ‘BINGO’ THE ORANGUTANG’S ( R ) LAST DAY AT THE NATIONAL ZOO

    6:20:52a.m. – Imus asks Dagen who won the Car Race yesterday, and she reports it was Jeff Gordon, number 24.  She says “The Little Man is gettin’ it done.”  We hope she is referring to his height.

    JEFF GORDON AND HIS WIFE:  (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

     “I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO WEAR YOUR HEELS”

    6:22:44a.m. –  Warner reports that four of Notre Dame’s Football Players were suspended for cheating.  Apparently, the four ‘Fighting Irish’ turned in papers that had indications that they belonged to someone else.  Like…having the wrong names at the top.  And the footnotes credited facts taken off a Snapple Cap.

    IBID.

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is irritate-atated, about Jesse Jackson going to Ferguson, Missouri, when people are getting shot in Chicago where he lives.  But maybe that’s why Jesse got out of town in the first place. 

    “WHO’S THAT DUDE UP THERE ON THE FIRE ESCAPE?  I’M OUTTA HERE.  SMELL YA LATER, I’M GOING TO MISSOURI”

    6:44:28 a.m. – Bo also sticks up for Rick Perry, after the Texas Governor was indicted for abuse of power for attempting to remove Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg from office after she was arrested for driving while intoxicated last year.  Bo says that she was so drunk, they had to put a ‘Puke-a-Tational Mask on the Old Bag’s head’ Maybe the bag wasn’t a vomit deterrent.  Maybe it was just a public service, in an attempt to beautify Texas.

    ROSEMARY LEHMBERG.  WE’RE SHOCKED THAT SHE WOULD PLEAD GUILTY.  DESPITE THE VIDEO FOOTAGE, SHE DIDN’T LOOK ANY MORE INEBRIATED THAN GOVERNOR RICK PERRY WHEN HE COULDN’T REMEMBER THOSE ‘3 THINGS’ AT THE DEBATE

    7:05:28 a.m. – I-Man reports that when he arrived at the studio, Glen, the cameraman out at the Ranch, said “You’ve got something on your lip and your chin.”  We would assume it was Oatmeal.  Turns out it was toothpaste.  But at least the Boss brushes his teeth.  You just would’ve thought he’d rinse them before putting them back in his mouth so he didn’t look like a Mad Dog.

    EITHER DAGEN OR DELBERT, ONE OF THE GREAT PYRENEES AT THE RANCH, IN A SHOW OF SOLIDARITY FOR THE I-MAN

    7:19:38 a.m. –  Dagen talks about the upcoming ‘It Might Be Elvis’, disparaging the I-Man’s song choices, wondering whether or not the panel will have to listen to songs that have already been hits, that Imus has just discovered.  The Boss mentions that he has Vince Gill on the list.  Yes, we all love Vince Gill.  A very talented man, and a beautiful human being.  But Dagen’s philosophy is that “Even the Great Vince Gill can record a ‘clunker.’   We’re not sure we agree.  Unless he did a cover of Sir Mix A Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’.  Which, by the way, we believe he’d ‘Make his own.’  However, if he used his wife, Amy Grant in the video…that might not be such a good idea.

    VINCE GILL: HE LIKES BIG BUTTS AND HE CANNOT LIE

    7:41:24 a.m. – IT MIGHT BE ELVIS   Today’s musical offerings include Smokey Robinson and Steven Tyler doing an old Miracles cover, Shooter Jennings with a George Jones Cover, the aforementioned Vince Gill,  and Kid Rock’s ‘Chicken in the Pen’ which will be going on the Power Rotation list regardless of what the panel thinks.  A decision with which, we happen to agree.  There is nothing to be said about the ‘Ringer’ tune,  the Veggie Tales’ version of ‘I Got the Joy Joy Joy Joy Down in My Heart’.   Other than that anthropomorphic singing cucumber needs to have his green ass turned into an effing pickle.

    CUCUMBER AND TOMATO, THE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL OF CHILDREN’S CHRISTIAN MUSIC.  IF YOU’VE NEVER THOUGHT OF VEGETARIANISM BEFORE, YOU WILL NOW. IF ONLY JUST TO EAT THESE ANNOYING LITTLE BASTARDS TO SHUT THEM UP

    8:06:32 a.m. – There’s a dispute over what Browns’ coach Mike Pettine said regarding who will be the starting Quarterback this season.  The I-Man wants to see Videotape so he can see exactly what coach Pettine said, and somehow, the conversation turns to Andre the Giant.  We don’t know how we got there, but, it WAS Warner, after all.  And he’s used to going to work and home…and not knowing exactly how he got there.  He shares that he was FRIENDS with Andre the Giant.  We’re not sure how they wound up being friends…unless there was a pouch of Magic Beans in the mix somewhere, but, regardless, Bigfoot has footage of Andre, lifting Warner as if he was a hand puppet.  Of course that Videotape he could find.

    WARNER AND HIS FRIEND, ANDRE THE GIANT.  WHO, WE NEVER KNEW, WAS A VENTRILOQUIST

    8:17:16 a.m. –  Ed Henry, Fox’s White House Correspondent, is here, he says, for the ‘Imus Tribute’.  After listening to last week’s broadcasts, Mr. Henry believed the I-Man had fluffed his My Pillow for the last time before taking his eternal ‘Dirt Nap’. 

    ED WAS INCONSOLABLE…WHEN HE FOUND OUT THAT THE I-MAN WAS STILL ALIVE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Ed Henry starts his segment by saying that he was honored to be a part of the ‘Imus Tribute’.  He assumed that what he saw this morning of the I-Man out at the Ranch was ‘File Footage’.   Ha Ha.  Oh, that old gag.  Stick to asking Ed Schultz where the President is going on vacation, okay, Howdy Doody?   Still, Mr. Henry is better than Chuck Todd.  Which isn’t saying much.  If you put all the NBC News Correspondents on a wheel, and spun it, and it landed on Chuck Todd, you’d want to spin it again.

    WHEEL!  OF!  TORTURE!

    9:04:08 -  Connell does the local news on the radio, and the control booth catches him in the monitor.  For second Warner thinks he’s having a flashback after taking that brown acid back at Woodstock.

    CONNELL…HE COULD EASILY BE LIVING IN AN ALTERNATE, MICROSCOPIC UNIVERSE UNDER WARNER’S THUMBNAIL

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE’RE NOT RICK PERRY FANS, (BECAUSE WE ARE EVER-LOYAL TO KINKY)

    BUT THIS GIRL DIDN’T JUST HAVE A COUPLA COCKTAILS, SHE IS, OFFICIALLY, ‘TORE UP FROM THE FLOOR UP.’

      

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-bj-BLTRRo 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7y7oJ266qI 

     

    Comments from the I-Man:

    A reasonably fine effort from Rob and Tony. No mistakes, no mis-spellings, no yuks.

    Friday
    Aug152014

    The Fat, Fifty-Year-Old Losers

    6:05:10 a.m. – In light of the I-Man’s pithy remarks and insightful observations in his commentary at the end of yesterday’s blog, here we are, your two favorite  ‘Fat, Fifty-Year-Old Losers’, rarin’ to go, to bring the insincerity!  We would like to take this time tell you how much we appreciate and cherish all of you who read ‘R&T’s Behind the Scenes Blog’.  You mean more to us than life itself, and we’re not just saying that.  We’re writing it as well.

    BOY, WE GOT THAT NEEDLE PEGGED THIS MORNING

    6:10:14 a.m. – “I’ve determined that I now…not that any of you bastards care…I have some kind of VIRUS.”   Chicken Pox?  The Mumps?  Herpes?

    ROB, OBVIOUSLY CONCERNED, CONSOLES THE ILLIN’ I-MAN

    6:18:52 a.m. – The I-Man says that he watched a little bit of Robin Williams’ ‘Live at the Met’ special from HBO, and Warner shares that he was actually AT that show.  He and his wife went backstage, and was surprised when Robin said ‘Mr. Wolf, I saw you there in the second row.’  Surprised?  Really, Warner?  You weren’t seeing Stevie Wonder or Jose Feliciano.  Although, we are actually surprised Robin saw you behind whoever was sitting in front of you in the first row.

    UNFORTUNATELY, THE MET DOESN’T HAVE BOOSTER SEATS

    6:40:08 a.m. – Fox News Anchor, Martha MaCallum, is here to bring her perspective to the headline issues.  We would weigh in with our perspective on what a fine-lookin’ woman she is, but we won’t, because we are professionals.  As Karl Childers would say, ‘Some people call her ‘Smokin’ Hot’, I call her ‘A Woman Who Looks Better Than Biscuits and Mustard’

    MARTHA N’ KARL.  AND THEY SAID IT WOULDN’T LAST…

    7:05:28 a.m. – The Boss read the Blog yesterday, and watched the Video of the Day, which, loyal readers know, was Admiral William McCraven’s Commencement Address at the University of Texas Graduation Ceremony this year.  Wow!  The I-Man reads the blog!  Wait a second… oh yeah.  SH**!  The I-Man reads the blog…  

    THE BOSS READS HIS SIGNED, FIRST EDITION OF THE OLD TESTAMENT

    7:10:42 a.m. – Connell announces that Chuck Todd will be replacing David Gregory on ‘Meet the Press’, (something that NBC was denying up until even LAST WEEK)  The Boss says that Chuck looks like a Porn Producer.  Which, considering David Gregory, is a step up, as he looks like Howdy Doody.

    DAVID CAN NOW MOVE ON TO BECOME A ‘REAL LIVE BOY’

    WE KNEW AL GOLDSTEIN.  AL GOLDSTEIN WAS A FRIEND OF OURS.  YOU, CHUCK, ARE NO AL GOLDSTEIN

    7:18:34 a.m. – Imus tells us that, yesterday, when he wasn’t feeling well, Deirdre rubbed Essential Oils on his belly and feet.  Two hours later, he felt considerably better.  This revelation went relatively unnoticed by the staff, as we were all losing our respective breakfasts, imagining Deirdre rubbing oil on his belly and feet.

    EWWWW…

    7:32:34 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS – There is a little tension between Nat and Gunz, The I-Man notices this, and tells our cuddly Stage Manager Candido, that he’s ‘Not a big star like Gunz.’  Nat counters that the I-Man doesn’t promote him the same way he promotes Gunz.  Well, there’s a very good reason for that, Nat.  The I-Man doesn’t have a crush on you.

    GUNZ N’ THE I-MAN.   AND THEY SAID IT WOULDN’T LAST…

    8:06:32 a.m. – The Beach Boys are outside in the Plaza here at The News Corp Building, performing live on Fox n’ Friends.  The I-Man says we now HATE the Beach Boys after they kicked Brian Wilson out of the group.  Everybody seems angry about it except, for some reason, Brian, himself.  Maybe he doesn’t know he’s been fired and thinks he’s still with the band, and plays with them every night in the sandbox in his living room.

    BRIAN’S  GETTING SOME GOOD VIBRATIONS OFF THE DUNES NEXT TO HIS BARCALOUNGER

    ALTHOUGH, HE STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY HIS PIANO SHRUNK

    8:12:16 a.m. – Dagen announces that people are HATING the new Facebook Messenger App.  Of course they do.  Because now, when some mouth breathing A-Hole posts something inane, you can be alerted on your phone, right in the middle of your very important business meeting.  Because said mouth breather obviously believes that it was urgent you see the Cell Phone Photo he took of the Waffles he had for breakfast.

    "HEY”  “Hey” 

    “WANNA SEE A PICTURE OF MY CAT?” “No” 

    “WHY NOT?”   “Because I have a life you assho…”

    (He didn’t hit ‘send’ yet)

    8:18:36 a.m. –  Gunz and Warner don’t know who’s playing NFL Football tonight.  Well, that’s okay, a LOT of people don’t know who’s playing tonight…wait a second. What?  They’re sports reporters?   Oh.  Right.  Well then…

    DEAF, DUMB & BLIND

    BUT EVEN THEY  KNEW THERE WERE NFL GAMES ON TONIGHT

    8:40:14 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS PART DEUX.  Nat still thinks this is serious.  Meanwhile, Gunz thinks ‘Deux’ is the French spelling of ‘Ducks’.  The I-Man brings up the August 23rd Cleveland Sports Spectacular when The Browns will play the Rams, the Indians will play the Astros, and the Gladiators will play the Rattlers.  Wow, what a decision to make!  Either watch any of these three games or swallow some barbed wire and drink a gallon of bleach.  It’s a jump ball.  Too bad the Cavs aren’t playing. 

    ARENA FOOTBALL:  MADLYN MURRAY O’HAIR’S PROOF THAT THERE IS NO GOD

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE ONLY SPORTS TEAM WE WOULD EVER CONSIDER WATCHING IN CLEVELAND WOULD BE THESE GUYS:

      

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utfkOFia0wE 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gndH9mhHPk0 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwB3baEl0pM

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9myYc8Pn8o 

     

    Corrections and comments from the I-Man:

    6:05:10 AM – Oh this is sooooo funny.

    6:18:52 AM – Great way to mangle what was a fairly funny observation that I initially made. Unfunnyfu*kingthieves. Dumb bastards.

    7:32:34 AM – Gunz is better than Rob AND Tony. And Nat is a fat, hairy moose.

    Thursday
    Aug142014

    Carley's Blonde on Blonde Debut

    6:05:10 a.m. –  We return today, relieved that the I-Man is still alive.  After Tuesday’s scare, it’s heartening to see him back at the microphone in the studio out at the Ranch.  We wait eagerly for his first words, to see how the event has affected him.

    6:05:40 a.m. –  After reviewing the TV ratings from yesterday, The Boss rails at the Fox viewing audience for turning off their televisions after his on-air ‘episode’.  “You bastards didn’t even stay tuned in during the 8 O’clock hour to see if the I-Man was dead or not.”   Whew.  He’s ok.

      “IF THE I-MAN’S NOT ON…THE TV IS GONE…”

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Coming up this morning, Paul Begala, Deirdre Imus,  Carley Shimkus filling in for Lis Wiehl on Blonde on Blonde, and The Mensa Meeting.  Bet you don’t turn your TV off THIS morning.

    YES.  THIS IS WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT

    (Or as we like to call it, ‘Two out of three ain’t bad)

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Paul Begala is on, we assume, as a visual ‘palate cleanser’, to purify your sensibilities for the 7:30 segment where two examples that prove the existence of God will discuss the issues.  However, we won’t hear any  of those issues, as the sound will down on the TV. 

    PAUL BEGALA IS ON TO SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE HILLARY / OBAMA RELATIONSHIP

    (SHED SOME LIGHT…SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?)

    6:43:06 a.m. –   The Boss informs Begala that he no longer needs his help in getting Wyatt into the University of Texas, as his neighbor up the road from his new Ranch is none other than John Beckworth, Associate Dean for Administration and Strategic Planning there.  Begala brings up Admiral William McCraven, who is set to become the Chancellor of the University of Texas, and the Commencement Address he gave at this year’s Graduation Ceremony.   It’s good to have connections, but some Lone Star Lawyer can’t hold a candle to the guy who’s the Motherf**king Head of the Motherf**king NAVY SEALS.

    OKAY.  WHICH ONE WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE LIVING NEXT DOOR TO YOU?  A GUY THAT WILL FILE YOUR BRIEFS, OR A GUY WHO WILL CAUSE YOU TO SOIL THEM?

    7:05:28 a.m. – “I don’t feel well.  Maybe I have some kind of virus.”   Well, that pesky Ebola thing IS going around.

    THE CAMERA CREW AT THE RANCH PREPARES TO GO INTO THE STUDIO WITH THE I-MAN.  JUST IN CASE

    7:11:42 a.m. –  Connell reports on the Oxford Dictionary will include some slang and vernacular, including words like ‘BROHUG’, ‘SIDEBOOB’, ‘DOUCHEBAGGERY’, and one that we believe was inspired by Mr. Imus:  ‘CRAYCRAY’.  Hint:  It doesn’t refer to the 64 Box of Crayolas with the built in sharpener.

    THERE’S EXTRA GRAYS IN THIS BOX

    7:32:34 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  The topic of ‘Hashtag: Fatkini’ is brought up.   Imus wants to go to ‘Dice’ for HIS thoughts on the matter, and Deirdre is not happy.  “This is Blonde on Blonde, why are you going to ‘Fat Rob’?”   Because Rob OWNS a Fatkini.

    THE SIZES COME IN EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, AND (ABOVE)

     “OH MY GOD, CLEAR THE STREETS!  IT’S MOVING TOWARDS US!”

    7:41:24 a.m. – Carley does a competent job filling in for Lis, although, we sense Deirdre went a little easy on her, as she didn’t go all Chuck Norris on Ms. Shimkus, the way she would with the Wiehl Woman.   Not that we really were listening.  We just put the TV on Freeze Frame and basked in all the Blonde Glory. 

    MORTAL WOMEN: BEHOLD THE LEVEL OF PERFECTION YOU WILL NEVER ATTAIN.   WE ARE ONLY SORRY THAT THESE TWO CANNOT BREED TOGETHER.  BUT WE DON’T THINK THE WORLD COULD HANDLE THE FRUIT THAT SPRANG FROM THESE TWO LOINS.  ALTHOUGH WE ARE WELL AWARE THAT, BIOLOGICALLY SPEAKING, THERE WOULD BE NO PROGENY FROM SUCH A UNION, WE WOULD STILL LIKE TO BE THERE TO WATCH WHILE THEY MADE THE ATTEMPT. WHICH, PREFERABLY, WOULD BE IN SLOW MOTION, TO A CHEESY JAZZ SOUNDTRACK

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Elvis has left the building once again.  Imus really does not feel well.  7000 feet above sea level is not the place for someone with a compromised pulmonary system.  But we continue to watch, just in case Connell or Bernie has an update on the I-Man’s situation.  Just like all you folks did.  Right?  You ungrateful, thoughtless, self-absorbed bastards?  However, we do understand your reticence to remain tuned in.  The Imus in the Morning Program, without the I-Man, is like Cornflakes without the milk.  Soy milk, or Almond milk, of course, and cereal made with organically grown corn.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE BEST COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS YOU WILL EVER HEAR, COURTESY OF ADMIRAL WILLIAM McCRAVEN


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaQZFhrW0fU 

    Corrections and comments from the I-Man: Well, there are not any corrections. That the blog oozes with insincerity is to be expected.   It IS slightly disturbing that two fat fifty year old losers are pervin' on Carley and Deirdre. Hey Rob and Tony? Know what you'll never have sex with? Anyone who looks like either Deirdre or Carley. And "Dice Clay?" Stop doing it. The real one is not funny....why would one Rob does be any better? It's not. It sucks. Stop it.

    Tuesday
    Aug122014

    God Bless Robin Williams

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man informs us that Leif Babin, Bronze and Silver Star & Purple Heart recipient, will not be on the program this morning, as scheduled, because he ‘hurt his back’ at the gym.  Yes, you heard correctly.  He hurt his back.  The I-Man makes light of the War Hero, postulating that his injury was incurred as he was training to be able to lift the ‘8 Pound Baby’, his wife, Jenna Lee, is having soon, (line courtesy of Meghan Hurlbut).  Good one, I-Man.  By the way, that red dot you’re going to have on your forehead later on isn’t because you’ve suddenly turned Hindu.  It will be Leif’s Laser Sight.

    TARGET ACQUIRED

    6:07:14 a.m. – It appears that ‘The Godfather’ will be offering some advice to Leif, in an essay titled ‘Leif Babin is a Finnochio’.  Written and performed by ROB BARTLETT.  Robby, we hardly knew ye.

    ONE OF THE CREEPIER OPEN CASKET FUNERALS.  ROB, IN HIS ‘DOUBLE WIDE’ COFFIN.  JESUS!  DOESN’T ANYBODY HAVE A COUPLE OF PENNIES TO PUT OVER HIS EYES?

    6:09:52 a.m. – The Boss promotes the upcoming ‘Hollywood & Vine’ segment, with Michael Reidel, Dagen McDowell, and, filling in for Imogen Lloyd Weber, Deirdre Imus.  Imogen, apparently, is at the dentist this morning, something that Imus finds ironic:  A Brit at the Dentist.    Dagen corrects the I-Man, informing him that Imogen won’t be going to the dentist until next week, she is currently on vacation.  So, we assume, she’s down at the Seaside in Brighton, having a Fish n’ Chips at the Pub with her ‘mates’…just before they go clean some chimneys.

    TRY SAYING ‘SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPEALIDOCIOUS’ WITH A MOUTHFUL OF GAUZE AFTER A NOVOCAINE INJECTION

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on, and claims that he only watches Golf and Fox News.  The I-Man maintains that “’You’re downloading porn from the time you get off the air until you go to bed.”  Varney also says he doesn’t know who Leif Babin is.  Odd, for a man who only watches Fox News.  Leif Babin is Jenna Lee’s F**king husband, you dumb bastard!  Maybe that’s a little strong.  Perhaps Mr. Babin should pay Mr. Varney a visit to introduce himself…along with those canned hams he has that he calls ‘Fists’. 

    STUART PREPARING FOR HIS VERY FINE PROGRAM ON FOX BUSINESS

    7:05:28 a.m. – The I-Man throws Meghan Hurlbut under the Babin Bus, giving her the credit for the aforementioned line about lifting weights and the size of his wife’s impending baby. And, to make sure Leif knows her name, Imus spells it for him. M-E-G-H-A-N H-U-R-L-B-U-T.   Not a swift move, there, Don.  What are you going to do for a producer/ranch office manager now?

    WE HAVE AN IDEA OF WHO MAY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DISAPPEARANCE…

    BUT WE’RE NO SNITCHES

    7:17:42 a.m. –  There is no working fax machine here in our NY Studio. You’d think that at such a high profile, professional news outfit like Fox, they’d at least be up on 80’s technology.  Carley has no way to get any information to the I-Man, such as his log and his daily sheet, because, in addition to there being no Fax Machine that works, they have just recently cancelled their Pony Express Account.

    CARLEY, DILLIGENTLY ATTEMPTING TO GET THE I-MAN TUESDAY’S DAILY SHEET BY FRIDAY

    7:32:34 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD & VINEJerry Jones’ provocative photos with two strippers, (With their clothes on, by the way) is the topic, and Dagen Observes that Jones’ excuse smacks of the one the cheating husband uses when he says he ‘Was just walking down the street, when I tripped and my penis fell into the other woman’s vagina”  Wow.  We can’t tell you how many times that very thing has happened to us.  Somebody really needs to fix the sidewalks in this city.

    “HEY, MOVE A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, HONEY, OR THIS IS REALLY GONNA HURT.”

    7:37:24 a.m. – In the middle of hollering at Deirdre for something or other, the I-Man says he feels dizzy, and we immediately go to commercial spots.  We are all concerned, except, of course, for Riedel, who starts offering his services as ‘Guest Host until Don Feels Better’   Wow.  We’re all for Blind Ambition, but…that’s just Creepy.  Would the opportunistic little theater camp counselor jump into the Boss’ grave that quickly?

    RIEDEL IN THE MORNING?  WE DON’T THINK SO.

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The Boss has gone back up to the Hacienda to get some oxygen.  We realize how difficult it is to breathe at 7000 feet above sea-level for anybody who, normally, has no problem breathing, let alone someone who has emphysema…and has just drunk coffee laced with some kind of Moroccan powder that shrinks the alveoli in the lungs.   Damn you, Leif Babin!  You will not get away with this!

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SOME OF THE BEST OF THE PROFOUND BODY OF WORK LEFT BEHIND BY ROBIN WILLIAMS

     

    FROM HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON HBO’S YOUNG COMEDIANS SPECIAL FROM 1977

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH7crqRvhhc 

    ON ‘INSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO FROM

     2001

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z90Y9Ao_RXw 

     

    FROM A BRITISH TV SPECIAL BACK IN

     1988

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW2jSLuHlz4 

     

    AND FROM A 60 MINUTES EPISODE, WITH HIS MENTOR AND INSPIRATION

    THE GREAT JONATHAN WINTERS

    1986

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDJjq0Pd0RM 

     

    The I-Man's Comment:

    I almost die on the
    f*cking air and these two motherf*ckers
    think it's funny. You know what's
    not funny? Rob and Tony. They
    are not funny. They are fat
    and stupid. Wish I had a better
    line ... you know one that was clever,
    not mean and insulting .... relying
    on cheap physical humor...how
    about, uh a**holes?