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-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows. He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the ...
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – Imus has had an epiphany when it comes to ‘It Might Be Elvis’. He has decided that HE will now pick the songs, and the panel will all make suggestions as to whic ...
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The Knicks are officially ‘Out of It’ and between that, and Wyatt winning nearly a THOUSAND DOLLARS at the Ultimate Roping in Montgomery, Texas, the I-Man ...

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    Wednesday
    Apr162014

    Happy Easter!

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows.  He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the whole thing.   The Boss reminds Warner that it’s on 24 hours a day, and generally, they repeat the stories every hour.  Which is a big relief for Warner, as he thought his seeing the same stories over and over meant that his Alzheimer’s was getting worse.

    WE ONLY WISH HANNAH STORM WAS ON 24/7

    6:12:24 a.m. –  Dagen reports the Google announced a ‘One Day Sale’ of its’ ‘Google Glass’, wearable, internet browsers.  She hopes that there’s a huge lawsuit resulting from all the cross-eyed people that the specs create.

                        BEFORE GOOGLE GLASS                                       AFTER GOOGLE GLASS

    6:15:30 a.m. – Connell reads the story about the nutjob with the backpack in Boston who crashed the memorial ceremony for the Marathon Bombings of last year.  The I-Man says he doesn’t know what they should do with this guy.  We have a couple of ideas.  Most of them involving his nutsack…and a vice.

    RECOMMENDED PROCEDURE (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    6:35:07 a.m. – Doris Kearns Goodwin, our favorite Party Girl, is on to discuss her recent trip to the L.B.J. Library to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Civil Rights Act.  She mentions that her life has come full circle from her 20’s when she worked for President Johnson.  As opposed to Monica Lewinsky who worked under President Clinton’s…Johnson in the “El B.J. Room”.

    HARVARD COVERGIRL, PROFESSOR DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN

    7:09:18 a.m. – We are both surprised that we have another musical guest this morning:  Arkady Klatponyevik, the Eric Clapton of Russia, who has brought his Fender Proletariat, “Lenin” model…(Vladimir, not John)   Formerly of ‘The Yard-Bears’,  ‘Dostoyevsky And The Muscovites’, and ‘There Is No Cream Today’.  He’s on to promote his new album, “Straight Outta Kiev”, featuring hits like ‘I Shot the Cossack’,  ‘Lay Down Tanya’, ‘Tears in Moscow’ and ‘After Midnight And I Am Still On Line Waiting For Toilet Paper’. 

    ‘ARKADY KLAPTONYEVIK’  HE’S PRETTY FAT FOR A GUY WHOSE BAKED GOODS ARE RATIONED

    7:18:36 a.m. – Warner gives us a History Lesson, pointing out that 50 years ago, Shea Stadium was christened with water from the Harlem River where it flowed past the Polo Grounds, representing the NY Giants, and water from the Gowanus Canal, representing the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Just so we’re clear Warner…they used two of the most polluted waterways in the NY Metropolitan Area to open Shea Stadium? No wonder the Mets have sucked for 50 Seasons.  They might as well have used the horse manure that fertilized the Polo Grounds. 

    THE HOUSE THAT ‘LOSE’ BUILT

    7:39:34 a.m. – The I-Man says the ‘Kars for Kids’ commercial is the single most annoying radio spot…ever.  The only thing that could possibly make it worse would be if Billy Joe Shaver sang it.  “If You Don’t Give Your Car To Kids…Go To Hell.”

    “1-877- KARS FOR KIDS …DONATE YOUR CAR TODAY…OR I’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE”

    7:37:34 a.m. – “Blonde on Blonde” The Ladies tackle the pressing issues of the day… ‘Was Jesus ‘Hot’?  And… ‘Who hides the Eggs, the Easter Bunny?’   Deirdre maintains there is no Easter Bunny.  She doesn’t believe that kids should gorge on chocolate and go into a sugar coma at Church.  That Easter Baskets take away from the real reason for the holiday…Jesus.  But, if there was a Chocolate Jesus, we guess that would be okay.

    THE BODY OF CHRIST…HAS A CREAMY, NOUGAT CENTER

    (JUST DON’T LEAVE HIM OUT IN THE SUN)

    8:08:16 a.m. –  The I-Man is crowing about the ratings for ‘It Might Be Elvis’, which were HUGE.  They weren’t just good, they were GREAT.  It happens to be the only segment that Rob is on.  Hmmmmm.  Coincidence?  Absolutely. 

    IT MIGHT BE LIZA…BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S WITH ELVIS

    8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man is tired of people telling him to “Have a Nice Day”.  His parents are dead, his brother is dead, he has Cancer, he can’t breathe…if he wants to have a sh***y day…he deserves it.  Pharrell can kiss his ass.  Happy?  No.  And that song makes Dagen want to punch somebody in the face.

      MAYBE IT’S US…BUT HE DON’T LOOK ALL THAT ‘HAPPY’

    8:36:14 a.m. – Hannah Storm is the guest, but unfortunately not live in studio, so the Sports Hotness quotient is going to begin and end with Warner.  She is on to promote her Face to Face Special in which she interviewed Dwayne Wade, Doc Rivers, and NBA Commissioner, Adam Silver.  She also discusses the Oscar Pistorious trial.  Not for nothing, but his pins got nothing on Ms. Storm’s.  He may have PAID a million bucks, but hers LOOK like a million bucks.

    EVEN WITHOUT AN EXPLODING BARBECUE GRILL, THIS GIRL IS…SMOKIN’.

    9:07:34 a.m. – Imus says that he ‘Can’t see Warner in the monitor’…we wonder if it’s because he fell off the phone book.   Bigfoot says it’s because he put the camera lens cap on.  Sometimes, Warner likes to get naked in the studio and have Gunz massage his feet with Coconut Oil.   Just to feel ‘pretty’.

    SOMETIMES GUNZ DOES BOTH OF WARNER’S FEET WITH ONE HAND

     

     

    HAVE A ZISSEN PESACH, A HAPPY EASTER, OR, IF YOU’RE AN ATHEIST, A NICE WEEKEND…AND we HOPE THAT

    THE EASTER BUNNY HIDES THE MATZOH FOR YOU

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

     

    THE DAAS CHOIR FROM DETROIT

    IF THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU ‘HAPPY’, YOU DON’T HAVE A HEARTBEAT

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bhfu1KnKjM

    Tuesday
    Apr152014

    RIP Archie

    6:05:10 a.m. – Imus has had an epiphany when it comes to ‘It Might Be Elvis’.  He has decided that HE will now pick the songs, and the panel will all make suggestions as to which records they think deserve a slot in the power rotation on the program.  This will allow them to do what they do and love the best…Hammer the I-Man.  We’re pretty sure Billy Joe Shaver will be in the first batch of selections…and, according to the Boss, “If you don’t like Billy Joe Shaver, you have no soul.”   Perhaps, but one thing you DO have, is taste.  To paraphrase Mr. Shaver, “If you don’t love Jesus…go to hell.”   Because Billy Joe Shaver songs are the only ones on Satan’s Jukebox.

     

    6:12:24 a.m. –  Warner says that “After Bubba Watson won  162 Million Dollars in the Masters, he took his family to Waffle House.”   Um…Warner?  That’s 1.62 Million.  If he won 162 Million he would’ve taken them to Denny’s.

    “162 MILLION DOLLARS.  I’LL TAKE 345,000 GRAND SLAMS, 542,000 ‘MOON OVER MY HAMMY’S’ 8700 BELGIAN WAFFLES …AND A DIET COKE.”

    6:38:24 a.m. –  Natalie Stovall and the Drive, a hot new Country Act managed by Tracy Gershon, play.   Natalie plays the electric fiddle.  The other guys in the band fiddle around on guitar on drums.  Nothing like watching somebody ‘Rock Out’ on a violin.  We hope that she smashes it or sets it on fire at the end of the set, like Jimi.

    “ ‘SCUSE ME…WHILE I PIZZICATO THE SKY…”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Ed Henry, Fox Whitehouse Correspondent says that part of his job is to ask the Press Secretary questions that will make him uncomfortable.  Like:  “Do you like Gladiator Movies?”  “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?”  and “When you’re alone, do you sometimes tuck your penis between your legs and pretend you have a vagina?”   Ed finishes his segment with a joke at Kathleen Sebelius’ expense:  “With Obamacare, when you’re thrown under the bus…it’s covered.”

    “MR. CARNEY?  HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN PAST A SCHOOLYARD AND WONDERED…WHAT IF?”

    7:05:10 a.m. – Changing horses midstream…Rob, today as ‘Gary Busey’, is now going to be ‘Joe Cocker’, with an impromptu rendition of ‘She Shot Him Through The Bathroom Door’.  The I-Man has Rob audition as various singers…Joe Cocker, Paul McCartney, John Lennon… …Pat Boone and Fergie, before settling on John Belushi…doing Joe Cocker.

    JOE COCKER DOES HIS BEST JOHN BELUSHI IMPRESSION

    7:39:34 a.m. – “Hollywood & Vine”, which is notable this morning for Riedel’s shirt being unbuttoned to his navel.  He’s one gold chain, a gram of coke and a mirrored ball away from 1977.

    YO, MR. KOT-TER…

    7:41:34 a.m. – The conversation turns to…breasts.  (And doesn’t it always?)  Riedel says he welcomes ‘An ample bosom…as there’s certainly a shortage of them on the set.’   Oh snap. But that’s only because Rob is stuck in the Green Room.

    JACK NICHOLSON, MAN BOOB SUFFERER, ON THE SUBWAY.  THE SANDWICH, THAT IS.

    7:46:34 a.m. – Imus asks the panel about the death of Archie.  Imogen has no idea who Archie is…as it was before her time, to which the I-Man responds, “Well, you didn’t have to live through the French Revolution to know about THAT.”   He’s right.  All you have to do is see ‘Les Mis’.  Not everybody has first person recall of those times…like the I-Man.  Although he was drinking a lot of wine during it, so his recollection might be a bit spotty.

    ARCHIE DURING THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.  (NOTICE JUGHEAD IN THE TOP HAT TO THE LEFT)

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man talks musical guests, and names Vince Gill, Lyle Lovett, Dwight Yoakum… and observes that ‘The Bigger They Are, The Nicer They Are’.  Notice Van Morrison was nowhere on the list.  He says Joe Beaver, who knows George Strait, talks about how nice George is.  Probably only because he has ‘A  Car’.  Joe says if George saw Imus he’d say “Hi, Don.”  The I-Man responds… “Hey George…let’s START with MISTER Imus, first.” 

    “WHADDYA LOOKIN’ AT?  YA BLIND BASTARD!”

    8:17:24 a.m. –  The I-Man ran into Mel Karmazin at Teterboro.  One of them was happy to see the other. It’s not like Mel wants to shake hands with the Grim Reaper before he gets on an airplane.

    “HEY.  HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.”

    8:36:14 a.m. – Natalie Stovall and The Drive grace us with two more songs, including the single, ‘Baby Come On With It’.  Which is exactly the phrase Imus heard about 40 times on his wedding night.

    NATALIE STOVALL AND ONE OF ‘THE DRIVE’

    8:48:14 a.m. –  We have been reading through online resumes to continue finding our replacements.  We have a hot prospect, an Actress, Performance Artist, Comedienne and Exotic Dancer, ‘Candice Kane’.  We arrange for a scouting trip to continue our research, and go to the Riverside Twin theater, where they are running a Double Feature of her two Box Office Hits.

    WHEN WE SAID ‘BOX’ OFFICE…WE MEANT THAT’S WHERE YOU BUY THE TICKETS, NOT WHERE…SHE KEEPS IT.

    9:08:16 a.m. – The I-Man wonders aloud if they are going to take Oscar Pistorious’ legs away from him, should he go to prison.  Probably.  That way they can be used as ‘stumps’ in the wickets in the Penitentiary Cricket Matches.

    OSCAR’S LEGS PUT TO GOOD USE

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    WE PAY OUR RESPECTS TO THE LATE, GREAT, DEARLY DEPARTED ARCHIE, AND SEND OUR CONDOLENCES TO HIS WIDOWER AND LONGTIME COMPANION, JUGHEAD

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9nE2spOw_o 

     

    Monday
    Apr142014

    Back to Might Be Elvis

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The Knicks are officially ‘Out of It’ and between that, and Wyatt winning nearly a THOUSAND DOLLARS at the Ultimate Roping in Montgomery, Texas, the I-Man should be in a great mood.  And we think he is, actually.  It’s already 6:05 and he hasn’t freaked out yet.

    6:05:12 a.m. –  Sigh.  What a ride it was. 

    6:10:20 a.m. –  We get the news that ‘iMusic’, the segment formerly known as ‘It Might Be Elvis’, will heretofore be named ‘It Might Be Elvis’, (formerly known as iMusic).

    THIS IS WHAT USED TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU LISTENED TO ‘I-MUSIC’…THAT’S WHY HE CHANGED THE NAME BACK TO ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’

    6:16:24 a.m. –  Ashley Webster is filling in this week for Lori Rothman. The I-Man was expecting some hot babe.  Ashley is half the way there, he’s already got the hot babe name.  And he’s got the British Accent.  Which makes up for a lot.  He reveals that he met his wife on ‘Match.com’.  She’s a jazz singing lawyer.  Which, when you’re on trial for murder, you’re not looking for representation that will sing ‘Luck Be Lady’ during cross-examination.

    “WELL THE SHARK BITES…WITH HIS TEETH DEAR…AND HE KEEPS THEM…PEARLY WHITE!”

    6:35:07 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, celebrating the 30th Anniversary of the Palm Sunday Massacre, the case that he broke and brought him the fame he currently enjoys.  Not that you would CELEBRATE something like that, although yesterday, Bo was in the New York Times article about the very same thing, well, actually it was just a picture of him, and an article about the female cop from the case.  Nevertheless, he was celebrating that.  We don’t know if he bought himself a Pearl ring, because Pearl is the symbol for the 30th Anniversary.  Some people know him as the Arby’s spokesman.  We know him as ‘One Tough Cop’.  (Who wears a lot of tough jewelry and pocket squares)

    BO’S ANNIVERSARY PRESENT TO HIMSELF

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo is concerned about the imminent threat of Russia and thermonuclear war, while the I-Man seems to be more worried about Jose from El Chico in Huntsville, who, apparently, was fired recently.  Imus wants Bo to investigate why.  Bo is incredulous.   “I’m talking about world dominatization and the earth’s apocalypsizatation and all he cares about is some f#$%ing waiter at El Conquistador Taqueria.”  At first, we couldn’t figure out why the Boss was so concerned…until we realized that Jose was the only waiter he ever had who wouldn’t pee in his Guacamole.

    HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?  IF YOU HAVE, PLEASE CONTACT THE I-MAN

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man talks Sports with Warner, about Philadelphia Phillies player Jimmy Rollins getting into it with fans.  The Boss asks Nat if he’s ever ‘Gotten into it’ with a player.  Nat admits that he yells positive, uplifting, appreciative things…for example, he told Jose Reyes that he loves him.  Dagen says “You’ll never be inside a woman again.”   Like that would be the only reason.

    MR. MET POINTS OUT NAT TO SECURITY.  (AND FOR THE RECORD, NAT HAS BEEN INSIDE A WOMAN.  THE ONE ON THE RIGHT WITH THE BIG WHITE HEAD…AND BY ‘INSIDE’, WE MEAN HE WORE THE OUTFIT)

    7:36:34 a.m. – The lovely Martha McCallum is on, and the I-Man starts off the interview noting that Ms. McCallum’s partner, Bill Hemmer, has ‘The Crazy Eyes’.  Which is about as frivolous as the interview gets, because Martha is on to talk about her story tomorrow on ‘America’s Newsroom’, concerning the one year anniversary of the Boston Bombing, and the investigation surrounding that heinous terrorist act.  According to Ms. McCallum, the FBI and CIA failed to connect the dots when it came to Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Bomber himself.  Although it’s the one year Anniversary, unlike Bo Dietl, Ms. McCallum won’t be celebrating it.  Which is a shame, because, we think that the 1st Anniversary is the ‘Wood’ Anniversary.  Which…okay, even WE won’t finish that sentence.  But we do admit…Hemmer DOES have ‘Crazy Eyes’.

    MARTHA AND BILL.  MARTHA’S EYES ARE THE KIND YOU SEE IN YOUR DREAMS…BILLS ARE THE KIND THAT YOU SEE IN NEWSPAPER PHOTOS BEARING THE CAPTION: ‘THE KILLER IN HAPPIER TIMES’

    8:05:10 a.m. – We are counting the seconds until we go out onto the set for ‘It Might Be Elvis’, (which was ‘iMusic’ for one week).  We feel confident that there are some GREAT songs awaiting the I-Man…to malign and destroy…

    FILE PHOTO OF A RECORD BURNING RALLY SPONSORED BY THE I-MAN, (CENTER, HOLDING MICROPHONE) TO PROTEST ‘THOSE NO-TALENT, LIMEY, EVERLY BROTHERS RIP OFFS’

    8:08:16 a.m. – Dagen is, apparently, not a fan of Jimmy Fallon, who, in her opinion, are obsequious to the point that “His tongue is black from all the boot-licking”.  Hateful words, that, obviously, aren’t designed to make Fallon feel bad, but his greatest champion…The I-Man.  Who, by the way does not have a fan in Jimmy Fallon…who said, “That’s the only show business ass I will never kiss.”

    “YOU CALL HER MAMA T?  HAHAHAHA!  THAT’S HYSTERICAL, IMUS!”

    8:15:24 a.m. – The I-Man thinks that Bubba Watson’s crying after winning the Masters is ‘Phony’, although he believes that the Club Owners in Augusta are thrilled to have the Green Jacket back on a White Guy…with a mullet…named ‘Bubba’ no less. 

    SUCK IT UP, YOU PUSSY. YOU DIDN’T WIN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. YOU WON A GOLF GAME.                                                                                

    8:36:14 a.m. – After a brief, one week, hiatus, (well, at least the name was on hiatus) ‘It Might Be Elvis’ returns to the Imus in the Morning Program.  Dagen, Trevor, Lou and Tony have ostensibly picked songs that they believe would go into the Imus in the Morning ‘Power Rotation’.  Rob is, once again, guest Judge, so there’s at least somebody who likes music other than Country. 

    THE PROPOSAL FOR A NEW SIGN FOR THE ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’ SEGMENT FOR THE STUDIO

    The Lyrics to the Chorus of George Strait’s  ‘I Got A Car’

    And I said, well I got a car, she said, there's something
    At least it's a start, I said, it's better than nothing
    I ain't in no hurry but I'm ready when you are
    And she said, where do you think all this is going
    I said, there ain't no way of knowing
    I guess I hadn't thought it through that far
    But I got a car

    YES, THAT’S IT. 

    A GUY WHO’S CREDENTIALS ARE FOUR WHEELS AND A BACK SEAT, LOOKING TO GET LAID

    NOT EXACTLY ‘HE STOPPED LOVING HER TODAY’ 

    8:48:14 a.m. – “It Might Be Elvis” gets a little heated.  The I-Man isn’t happy with Lou’s being negative, or Rob and Dagen having a positive reaction to the song.  So we have no idea what he wants. We’re not sure he knows what he wants.  All we know is we suck.  Which is comforting, because, at least, in his eyes, we’re being consistent.

    IT MIGHT BE ELVIS.  IT MIGHT BE IMUS.

    9:05:34 a.m. – The I-Man is on to us.  All along, we’ve been waging a secret campaign to suck so we can bring him down…destroy his ratings.  Unfortunately, it’s not working. The ratings are still great.  But we still suck.

    IT MIGHT BE ELVIS, IT MIGHT BE NEWT GINGRICH WITH A WIG, SUNGLASSES & A HEINEKEN

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    ‘IT’ MIGHT BE ELVIS TOO

    AND SO MIGHT THIS GUY:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bg05Y0--O4

     

    Friday
    Apr112014

    Leaving on the I-Jet

    6:05:10 a.m. – Vindication for Tony!  His position on Connecticut Basketball Coach, Kevin Ollie, being a viable NBA Coach, was a sound idea.  At least according to Lupica.  He has received the Sacred Sports Imprimatur.  Walk talk, Tony.  Just not next to Lupy.

    MIKEY THROWS OUT THE FIRST PITCH ON ‘IRISH NIGHT’ AT YANKEE STADIUM.  WHY AN ITALIAN MAN WAS THROWING OUT THE FIRST PITCH IS ANYBODY’S GUESS.

    6:12:24 –  Dagen announces that Glenn Frye inducted Linda Ronstadt into the Rock n’ Roll Hall O’ Fame, while the I-Man maintains that, back in Makeup, she said it was Don Henley.  It really doesn’t matter.  It’s amazing that he believes he can remember anything.  He forgets what he’s talking about in mid-sentence.  He probably forgot he even likes the Eagles.  He probably thought Don Henley was the guy from ‘Miami Vice’. 

    “PLAY ‘DESPERADO!”

    6:27:24 –  Video of Hilary Clinton giving a speech in Las Vegas at The Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino, during which, a shoe was thrown at her.  The I-Man notices that Hilary ducked late.  Probably because she’s usually the one throwing the shoe…or ashtray…or toaster at her husband.

    COINCIDENCE?  IT’S BUBBA’S SIZE

    6:35:07 a.m. – History Professor at Rice University, Doug Brinkley, is on to discuss Chuck Berry and Woody Guthrie.  Who, as far as we know, never played together.  Professor Brinkley is teaching a course about Woody Guthrie, so, it’s a safe bet that ‘This Land Is Your Land’ will be on the final. 

    WOODY WITH HIS GUITAR, ‘THE MACHINE THAT KILLS FACISTS’

    7:12:24a.m. – Warner reports on Michael Pineda, starting pitcher for the Yankees, being caught with a dark substance on his hand.  Yes.  It’s called…his hand.  He’s a black man, from the Dominican Republic, Warner.  He’s got a black substance all over his body.  The STICKY substance on his hand is from the Jelly Donut he ate in the dugout.

    THERE’S A DARK SUBSTANCE ON HIS PENIS, TOO…WHICH IS ALSO ‘STICKY’…WHICH MEANS THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND HAD A JELLY DONUT IN THE DUGOUT TOO

    7:28:34 a.m. – A clip of The Great One, Mark Levin, is played, in which his producer, Gunz, is asked about the hateful names he’s been called, to which, Gunz answers, “Yeah, there’s a lot of ‘Anti-Jew’ stuff”.  We know he means ‘Anti-Semitic’…but also that he’s technically, a ‘Trainable’.   Levin continues: “Call screener…turn on your microphone.”  Call Screener?  Gunz has worked for this nut for the past 7 years.  He doesn’t know his name? 

    “YOU!  WOMAN FROM WHOSE LOINS I SPRUNG!  WHAT’S YOUR NAME AGAIN?”

    7:39:34 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS!   One of the questions is ‘Who is your favorite fat Sports figure?’   For us, it’s a tossup between Babe Ruth and that guy Lambeau Field.  He’s huge.

    LOOK AT THE ASS ON THIS GUY

    7:41:34 a.m. – After last week’s betrayal, it’s clear that Warner is sucking up to Nat.  After pushing him off the platform onto the subway track this past Friday, he goes out of his way to give Nat credit for his opinions.  He must really feel bad.  NOBODY gives Nat credit for ANYTHING.  He’s like the Little Richard of the Imus in the Morning Program.  Except he’s not that ‘little’. 

    ‘LITTLE NAT’   SHUT UP.

    8:05:10 a.m. – ‘Larry Flynt’ has written a song about Colbert, which he is allowed to do live, back in the Green Room.  It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but Tony looks for it on ‘iTunes’, so he can submit it for ‘I-Music’ this Monday.  It’ll be better than anything Dagen comes up with.

    Stephen Colbert, is getting Letterman’s chair

    And he’ll be a multi-millionaire

    Rush Limbaugh thinks the decision redefines what is funny

    And his position is CBS will waste their money

    So Rush before you get way too overblown take an oxycodone

    Say a prayer, and go kiss Stephen’s rear in Times Square

     

    Stephen Colbert, y’know he just doesn’t care

    And he likes to shave his pubic hair

    He shapes it all nice and tidy…to look like a bald eagle

    Monday to Friday…which although is not illegal

    Would surely be considered bad taste, like the flag being defaced,

    But you’LL stare at what’s there in Colbert’s underwear

    THE B-SIDE IS ‘YOU LIFT ME UP’

    8:36:14 a.m. – Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, and basically an extension of ‘Vinnie From Queens’ except it’s only one person.  The I-Man and Russo spar over what’s a more ‘American’ Sport.  The Rodeo or Baseball.  We’re not sure…but the discussion DOES make us long for a rope and a bat.

    MAFIA ‘PINCH HIT MAN’ 

    “YO!  HOW LONG’D IT TAKE TO TIE HIM UP?”

    8:48:14 a.m. – Russo is incredulous at the I-Man’s weekend plans.  “You mean, you fly your kid down to Texas, put him on a horse…and you WATCH that?”  It’s certainly better than what Fruit Loops will be doing with HIS weekend:  Throwing Darts at a Mike Francesa poster, eating pudding and kissing his autographed photo of Will Clark.

    WILL THE THRILL…HE’S NOT BLEEDING, THAT’S MAD DOG’S LIPSTICK – HE’S AS SURPRISED AS WE ARE…HE THOUGHT RUSSO WOULD’VE GONE WITH MORE OF AN ‘EARTH TONE’

    9:17:34 a.m. –  The I-Man will be leaving for Texas…on the I-Jet.  Which, we certainly hope, doesn’t have a flight plan that includes the Indian Ocean…but that would only be if BRANT were flying the plane.

    “HEY, ‘SKIPPER’.  I DON’T REMEMBER THERE BEING SUCH LARGE LAKES OVER TEXAS”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    THIS IS THE ‘HEIR TO THE ‘LATE NIGHT’ THRONE:

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pDbyisUGKc 

    Thursday
    Apr102014

    Global Warming

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man begins the morning irritated with Tony’s ‘Stupid’ ‘Vinnie From Queens’ question.  It’s probably Rob’s fault.  They realize he’s not happy with them, and, in the interests of the program, set out to find him some other comedians he can hire…who won’t start irritating him until their second week.

    A NEW PROSPECT FOR OUR REPLACEMENT

    6:35:07 a.m. – Stuart Varney and the I-Man get into a debate about Global Warming.  Varney doesn’t buy the signs behind it.  He points out that only 98% of Scientists believe it’s real.  Apparently, Varney likes his Environmental Philosophy the way he likes his milk:  2%.   Which is ironic, especially considering that it’s the methane from Dairy Cow Farts that causes most of the damage to the Ozone Layer

    A CONTROVERSIAL SOLUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart points out that there are actually, little known BENEFITS of Global Warming…such as the production of higher crop yields…due to increasing temperatures…then there’s always the massive flooding, which allows EVERYBODY to have a pool.

    A COUPLE TAKE A FRIENDLY DIP IN THE DRIVEWAY WITH THE NEIGHBORS

    7:05:10 a.m. – Connell reports a story about the sentencing of the woman who murdered her husband with the heel of her shoe.  Dagen points out that “It wasn’t a particularly sharp heel, so she really had to put some force behind it.”  Interestingly enough, ‘Shoe Murder’ doesn’t exist in the Lesbian Community because Birkenstocks don’t have heels.

    SISTERS OF SAPPHO:  YOU ARE SAFE.  (BUT SHAVE THEM LEGS, BABY)

    7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting…the most wrongly named segment on Television.  The panel’s first topic is ‘The Rock n’ Roll’ Hall of Fame inductees, where Dagen is quite dismissive of ‘Kiss’, while Deirdre says she was actually intrigued by them…she dug the Platform Shoes, the Kabuki Makeup, The Big Ass Boots…The Giant Tongue…   Ahem.  

    17 YEAR OLD DEIRDRE COLEMAN WITH THE BAND…SHE PROVIDED THEM WITH THEIR ORGANIC BACKSTAGE RIDER

    7:41:34 a.m. – The topic then switches to ‘Global Warming’.  Deirdre and Alan Colmes actually AGREE.  And if THAT isn’t one of the four signs of the Impending Apocalypse…no WONDER the planet’s getting hot… 

    “YOU STILL THINK THIS SH**’S NOT REAL, MOTHER F**KER?  I CAN’T TREAD WATER ALL THAT F**KING LONG!”

    7:47:34 a.m. – Then, the panel debates California’s proposed Bill to end the Killer Whale Shows at SeaWorld…and Alan steps up and says he is “Against the use of animals for entertainment…”  Deirdre then asks him if he eats meat.  So much for their brief alliance.  Alan admits that he, indeed, DOES eat meat…but not for entertainment purposes…as they usually serve dinner AFTER the singer is finished.

    ALAN PREPARES TO MISTREAT HIS  LUNCH

    8:05:10 a.m. – Imus plays a clip of the MLB Network’s Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo’s rant on Baseball Executive’s proposal to shorten games to 7 innings.   It’s understandable, as it usually takes Russo at least 9 innings to articulate a coherent thought.  He screams for the return of the ‘Twi-Night Double Header’…we don’t have the heart to tell him that’s not Back to Back Games played by Vampires.  (And when they win and dump a cooler, filled with blood, on the coach…)

    ‘BELA NOSFERATU’, FIRST BASEMAN FOR THE YUGOSLAVIAN NECROMANCERS

    (YOU SHOULD SEE THE BAT BOY)

    8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man weighs in on the Male Strippers performing at the Nursing Home on Long Island, giving lap dances to an 87 year old Alzheimer’s patient.  There’s a lawsuit involved, wherein the son of the old lady in question maintains that his mother’s mental capacity was diminished to the point that she could not express her wish to decline the lapdance.   Meanwhile, she was stuffing her Social Security Check instead of a single down the front of his Speedo, shouting, ‘Kielbasa for dinner, tonight!’   

    FIRST, SHE TRIED SWIPING HER MEDICAID CARD IN HIS CRACK       

    8:36:14 a.m. – All Star Attorney Joe Tacopina is on to discuss the Pistorius case…and we learn that Joe, even though he believes Oscar is guilty, maintains that he could easily mount a defense for him. Tacopina’s ‘Tack’?    Pistorius wouldn’t be able to chase the assumed intruder out of the house, and, being vertically-challenged, he would have had to shoot all over the the door to hit the target.

    TACOPINA: “THE GROUPING SUGGESTS THAT, IF HE HAD ACTUALLY FIRED THESE SHOTS, THE ONES AT THE TOP OF THE DOOR WOULD REQUIRE THE USE OF A SCOPE”

    8:48:14 a.m. – We interview Mr. Tacopina back in the Green Room.  I-Man has Tony ask Joe if he felt like he had to take a shower after representing Alex Rodriguez.  We learn that A-Rod has ‘excellent grooming habits’…Tacopina mistaking the question as an inquiry as to Mr. Rodriguez’ showering schedule.  We are sure both of them are very hygienic…which prompts Rob to drop trou and offer his butt to Joe for a shot of HGH.  Instead, he gets a brief, though tender, Gluteal Massage.  So full, so round, so firmly packed.

    9:17:34 a.m. – Warner reports a story about Arnold Palmer on the Golf Course, pulling down his pants and pinching one off on the green. Must’ve been too many of those Iced Tea/Lemonades.  We are shocked that ol’ Arnie ‘Left a Bogey’ on the course, we expect that kind of behavior from Jack Nicklaus.  But at least ‘The Bear’ sh**s in the woods.   Of course…because he’s a ‘Pooh Bear’.

    YES, THEY DO #2 IN THE WOODS…BUT WHEN THEY HAVE TO TINKLE…

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    COWS ARE NOT THE ONLY ANIMAL POSING A THREAT TO THE ENVIRONMENT

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO3lgO55kuY