6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man begins the program with what could very possibly be one of this stories in his memoir, should he ever decided to write one like Brian Wilson. Back in the days of W…NNNNNN B C, he used to run to work at 30 Rock. Brant, his driver, would follow behind in the limo. Yet another example of Imus Bravery…considering that Brant was the driver, the Boss was taking quite a chance running in FRONT of the car.
IMUS STOPPED TO TIE HIS RUNNING SHOES,
BRANT SWEARS HE DIDN’T SEE HIM...
6:08:16 A.M. – In addition to Imus’ nickname for VP & Market Manager of Cumulus NY, Chad Lopez, (Who he calls ‘Pee Wee’) he now has one for the Program Director, Craig Schwalb. ‘Craig Slob’.
FUNNY NICKNAMES AREN’T THE ONLY THING THEY HAVE IN COMMON
6:16:40 A.M. – Imus makes an observation about Chris Wallace, who will be hosting tonight’s debate: “Boy ain’t got no chin, but he’s got some balls.”
NOTHING BETWEEN THE LOWER LIP AND NECK
6:40:27 A.M. – Former CIA Operative, and President of ‘Diligence’ Private Intelligence and Security Firm, Mike Baker, phones in from his Secret Compound in Idaho. His take on the election is the following: Neither Candidate would be his first choice. He laments that, out of 360 Million People, THIS is what we get.
MIKE OUT IN HIS IDAHO POTATO FIELDS…PROTECTING THE HARVEST
7:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man misses the days back at Fox Business, when he used to be able to send Carley to Starbucks for some morning groceries. Even though he is mere steps away from the kitchen, he decides he needs an intern to feed him. We know exactly to what he is referring…except they don’t call them ‘Interns’…they call them ‘Home Aides.’
AND THEN SHE GAVE HIM A B-12 INJECTION…IN HIS BUTT
7:17:34 A.M. – Connell reports that due to the rash of ‘Creepy Clown’ Sightings, actual, real, working clowns are finding their bookings have fallen off precipitously.
HARD TIMES FOR BOBO…HE AND 75 OF HIS PEERS ARE LIVING IN AN ABANDONED VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE DOWN BY THE RIVER
7:27:55 A.M. – Bernie says that Trump has invited a surprise guest at tonight’s debate: Malik Obama, the President’s half-brother from Kenya.
KIND OF LIKE THE SMOTHER’S BROTHERS…DAD LIKED BARACK BEST
7:39:16 A.M. – BLONDE ON BLONDE, with Deirdre Imus, and, in again for Alan Colmes, Tony Powell. First question: Is the election rigged? Deirdre: Of course it is. Tony: Out of 1 Billion votes cast, there have been only 33 cases of ‘In Person’ Voter Fraud. He says you’re more likely to be struck by lightning, while being attacked by a shark, on a golf course, during an earthquake.
…AND THEY DIDN’T COUNT HIS VOTE
8:06:18 A.M. – Imus muses about what we’d all like to see happen tonight: If Trump calls Hillary ‘Fat’, and she clutches her chest then keels over like Fred Sanford going to meet his dearly departed Elizabeth…he will be a happy man.
SOMEBODY CALL 411…
8:10:20 A.M. – ‘Pee Wee’ stops by the I-Man’s Playhouse. It’s not going to go well. Pee Wee thought being caught in that Porn Theater pounding HIS PeeWee was bad…he’s in for a bumpy ride this morning.
PEE WEE, OBVIOUSLY NOT AWARE THAT ‘COWBOY CURTIS’
IS PACKING A COLT .45
8:40:43 A.M. – We are joined by David Gething, the Australian man who won the World Marathon Challenge in January 2015 by running seven of them, on seven continents, in seven days, setting two world records in the process. He has written a book about his journey from middle-aged couch potato to World Champion: RELENTLESS ...which means Imus will have to find another title for his memoir. The I-Man asks Mr. Gething how tall he is and how much he weighs. David answers 177 centimeters and 66 Kilos. The Boss is impatient, as he’s not that proficient at the metric system, then becomes somewhat annoyed later on, when Gething says he’s 5’10 and 135 pounds. Why didn’t Crocodile Dundee just say that in the first place?
BACK IN THE EARLY 80’S IF MR. GETHING HAD TOLD THE BOSS HOW MUCH HE WEIGHED IN GRAMS…IT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Creepy Clowns Ruining Gigs
For The Floppy-Shoed American?
I don’t THINK so…
HOMEY DON’T PLAY THAT…
6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man is not in a good mood. He’s angry. Which means that A: It’s Tuesday, and B: It’s definitely Rob’s fault.
INSPIRATION FOR GREG ALLMAN
6:08:16 A.M. – Responding to Anderson Cooper’s interview with Melania Trump last night, in which, she said that Billy Bush egged her husband on, Imus observes “Let’s hope he doesn’t sit down with Putin.”
AND THEN HE DARED TRUMP TO POINT OUR ICBMS AT CHINA
6:16:40 A.M. – Warner reports that Cleveland pitcher, Trevor Bauer, sliced open his finger on the propeller of his drone…and last night, in the game against Toronto, Indians manager Terry Francona noticed there was “Blood on the rubber.” We assume he meant on the pitcher’s mound. At least we HOPE it was the pitcher’s mound, and not something he saw floating in the Jacuzzi in the Visiting Team Clubhouse.
THERE’S PROBABLY A LOT OF THINGS FLOATING IN THERE…
6:27:36 A.M. – Chuck Berry is 90 years old today. Imus wonders if Chuck can still ‘Duck Walk’. At this point, probably only when his Depends are full.
THE OLD FOLKS WISH HIM WELL…
6:40:27 A.M. – Peter Kiernan, author of American Mojo and Becoming China’s Bitch is our guest, and the I-Man declares that Peter has become somewhat of a regular. Mr. Kiernan says that if Donald Trump would just focus on the issues, he would have a great debate, and might actually ‘pull it out’, instead of succumbing to the compulsion to respond to every slight…as Anthony Weiner does. Coincidentally Weiner has ‘Pulled it out’ many times himself…and sent Cell Phone Photos of it to women.
IF TRUMP HAD TEXTED PICTURES OF HIS ‘TOWER’ HE’D BE SURE TO HAVE HIS LOGO ON IT
6:43:11 A.M. – Mr. Kiernan continues, making the pithy observation that “The House of America has many rooms.” Which is great analogy, but, what we want to know is, ‘How many baths?’
THE HOUSE OF AMERICA. IT’S ‘CANADA ADJACENT’ WITH SOME GREAT ‘SOUTHERN EXPOSURE’…MEXICO
7:05:10 A.M. – We find out why The Boss is in a sour mood, as he hints that he is about to go to war with the radio station, threatening that he might walk this morning. Evidently, in the press release announcing his re-signing for another couple years, there was no quote from him, which is customary. So he wrote one, which was hysterical, and sent it back, only to discover later that they cut his statement, clearly planning to release the announcement WITHOUT HIS COMMENT. That’s certainly a reason to declare war. We just hope General Don S. Imus doesn’t slap Station Manager Chad Lopez for his cowardice.
“NO BASTARD EVER WON A WAR BY CAVING IN TO A RADIO STATION. HE WON IT BY MAKING THE OTHER POOR, DUMB BASTARD FROM THE RADIO STATION CAVE IN TO HIM….”
7:15:30 A.M. – All morning, Connell has done, and will continue to do, the news from the ‘Cox Pavilion’ in Las Vegas, the location of tomorrow’s debate. Of course, at the mere mention of the word ‘Cox’, the staff maintains a completely dignified and mature posture, and exhibits nothing less than professional behavior.
LOU & BERNIE REACT TO CONNELL’S LOCATION
7:17:34 A.M. – Julian Assange’s internet link at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London has been cut by an ‘Unidentified State Actor’. Which is bad news for Julian Assange, but great news for Hillary Clinton.
IN A RELATED STORY, THE ECUADORIAN EMBASSY IN LONDON RECEIVED A ‘GIFT’ OF 35 MILLION DOLLARS FROM THE CLINTON FOUNDATION
7:39:16 A.M. – BERNIE & SID with a preview of what you can expect at 10 AM. It begins with Sid claiming that, if the I-Man walks, HE walks. Of course Sid doesn’t mean he will quit in solidarity with, or out of loyalty to, the I-Man, he means literally ‘Go for a walk’, which Imus can’t do for very long without the oxygen tank.
THE I-MAN TAKES SID FOR A WALK
7:42:22 A.M. – Imus asks the boys if Billy Bush will get another gig, to which, Sid replies, “Nobody will hire Bush.” We don’t agree. In fact, in Nevada, it’s quite the Cottage Industry.
PEOPLE DON’T GO THERE FOR THE BUFFALO WINGS
8:05:11 A.M. – Chad ‘Pee Wee Herman’ Lopez is in the I-Man’s sights, as The Boss holds him responsible for the Press Release debacle. Lopez, so far, has yet to be seen. We think he may be in ‘Protective Custody’.
WHEN ASKED FOR COMMENT, MR. LOPEZ REPLIED:
“I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?”
8:40:43 A.M. –Michael Goodwin of the New York Post is on, and Imus asks him if his wife, Jennifer Raab, is still president of Hunter College. Michael assures the I-Man that she is. When the Boss continues, wanting to know how that’s working out for Mr. Goodwin, Michael says “So-so.” She works extremely hard and long hours, which means he doesn’t see nearly as much of his lovely wife as he would like. For most married men…that’s why they believe God invented ‘overtime’.
EVERY RED-BLOODED AMERICAN MARRIED MAN’S HOUSEHOLD.
(EXCEPT FOR MICHAEL GOODWIN’S AND THE I-MAN’S)
8:43:57 A.M. – Mr. Goodwin adds his thoughts about the upcoming debate, saying that Trump has hurt himself by getting tangled up in side issues, and Hillary has been very effective in driving up his ‘unfavorables’, the traits voters don’t like.
THE T-SHIRT YOU GET WHEN YOU MAKE A DONATION TO HILLARY CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
We Celebrate The 90th Birthday
The Architect of Rock n’ Roll
6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man is reading Brian Wilson’s new autobiographic memoir, I AM BRIAN WILSON. He says there are some great stories in there, and was surprised by many things that he never knew had occurred during Brian’s life and career...almost as surprised as Brian was when he read it himself.
AND YET, HE WAS STILL ABLE TO COME OUT WITH A MEMOIR
6:08:16 A.M. – Bernie says that Gloria Allred, who is representing Trump’s accusers, is The Donald’s ‘Secret Weapon’. Why? “Because people like Casey Anthony much more than Gloria Allred”.
ALLRED RECEIVED A 7% APPROVAL RATING; ANTHONY, A 14%
…WHILE ROOT CANAL RECEIVED 37%
6:16:40 A.M. – Colin Kaepernick got trashed by the crowd in Buffalo during yesterday’s game against the 49’ers…and the I-Man, responding to the legendarily unruly crowd known as The Bills Fans, wonders what could possibly have gone wrong with an angry group of drunken goobers who’d tailgated for five hours before kickoff…
YOU HAVE TO BE PRETTY ‘FACED’ TO WITHSTAND 17 BELOW TEMPERATURES IN BUFFALO. SO HECKLING KAEPERNICK? NOT A STRETCH
6:40:27 A.M. – An impromptu Special Monday Edition of VINNIE FROM QUEENS. Imus wants to know what the boys think about Eccentric Giants Receiver, Odell Beckham Jr. The consensus is Beckham is a great talent…although he clearly has a screw loose. It does appear that he has quite an ‘Unhealthy’ relationship with the Kicking Net.
AFTER AN UNCOMFORTABLE PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION
ODELL PROPOSES TO THE KICKING NET.
CAN THE BUTTERFLY NET BE FAR BEHIND?
7:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man expresses some serious Man Love for Mike Francesa, one of the smartest guys he’s ever met. Which is probably why he was so good when he was partnered with Mad Dog Russo…you know, that thing about ‘Opposites Attracting’.
MIKE AND THE MAD DOG REUNITE FOR A FUNDRAISER… DEFINITELY A FUNDRAISER…
7:14:34 A.M. – Connell reports breaking news: Iraqi forces are moving against ISIS to retake Mosul. The Imus Position: “Why would we want it back?” Good point, I-Man. Good point. Although it sounds to us like a potentially lucrative Real Estate Investment.
MOSUL PRE-GENTRIFICATION. GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR. SHOULDN’T BE TOO HARD, AS MOST OF THE BUILDINGS HAVE ALREADY BEEN LEVELED.
7:21:16 A.M. – The Boss describes the failures of the Trump Campaign, using a Chess Analogy: “You ever not pay attention, and somebody takes your Queen?” We don’t think Trump plays that much Chess. He’s more of a ‘Monopoly’ kind of guy. Although he has attempted to take other guys Queens…by grabbing them by the…oh, you know. Why go over that again?
“HILLARY SHOULD GO TO JAIL…DIRECTLY TO JAIL…DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS”
“WHICH WAY DO THE HORSIES MOVE? AND WHY DON’T THE LITTLE CASTLES HAVE THE TRUMP LOGO ON THEM?”
7:39:16 A.M. – Congressman Peter King, a longtime I-Fave and ‘Friend of the Show’, is a Trump Supporter. He’s on to discuss the recent developments in the campaign, including, whether or not the election is rigged. King assures us that it isn’t, that whoever wins, wins. However, he does believe there is a media bias against Trump.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE CONGRESSMAN KING GOT THAT IDEA
ALTHOUGH, WE FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT THE NEW YORK TIMES, IN A SIGNIFICANT ATTEMPT TO BE MORE ‘FAIR AND BALANCED’, WILL COME AROUND
7:44:09 A.M. – The I-Man asks Rep. King if he is backing Bo Dietl for Mayor…unsurprisingly, the Congressman indicates that he is a staunch supporter of ‘Beau Bo’. Imus then says that he is already on the bandwagon himself. King says that he hopes that the Boss stays on this one longer than he did on the Trump Wagon.
THE I-MAN JUMPING OFF THE TRUMP WAGON
8:05:08 A.M. – The Boss questions Bernie’s resolve to stick with ‘His Guy’, and Bernard says he is not giving up; he still believes that Trump can pull it out. Although there’s nothing to suggest that The I-Man is getting a little ‘Wobbly’ on Trump, (Other than calling him a ‘Blubber Titty Pussy’) we suspect that his support may be waning…just a touch.
THE NEW, I-MAN DESIGNED, CAMPAIGN BUMPER STICKER THAT YOU CAN SEE ON THE BACK OF HIS PICKUP
8:15:11 A.M. – Gunz, reporting on the weekend’s games, mentions that the Seattle Seahawks beat the Atlanta Falcons, due to a blown Pass Interference Call on Falcons wide-receiver Julio Jones, who, Gunz refers to as ‘Jew-Lio’. When challenged by the rest of the staff, he says “You know, like the Paul Simon song: ‘Me and Jew-Lio down by the graveyard.”
PAUL SIMON ( R ) AND ‘JEWLIO’ DOWN BY THE GRAVEYARD
8:40:43 A.M. – BO MONDAY! Our favorite Private Dick, (And NYC Mayoral Candidate) Richard ‘Bo’ Dietl is in to discuss what, he thinks, the next president (Who he believes will be Hillary) will have to address after the election. “We have to Beef up the Military.” he says. We hope this isn’t just some cheesy scam to get the Armed Forces into a contract with The Arby’s Fast Food Chain, for which, Bo was spokesperson.
BO DIETL. HE’S GOT…THE MEATS.
8:41:07 A.M. – Bo accuses President Obama of “Disseminating the Military.” We think he means ‘Decimating’. We certainly hope he doesn’t mean ‘Inseminating’.
INSEMINATING THE MILITARY IS A VERY LONG, AND COMPLEX, PROCESS,
REQUIRING AN INORDINATELY LARGE TURKEY BASTER
VIDEO OF THE DAY
The Very First Song Brian Wilson
6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man begins the program with a pronouncement: He has a new nickname for Trump: ‘Octopussy’. Har Har…that’s a good one I-Man. Test…test…don’t wanna get no fight started now…
6:08:16 A.M. – It’s both Celebrity Shmoo Billy Bush and 8 Time World Champion and 2 Time Olympic Gold Medalist, Joe Beaver’s birthdays. We hope that both Bush and Beaver… grab some.
TO CELEBRATE, MR. BEAVER GRABBED BILLY BY THE BUSH
6:08:16 A.M. – It also happens to be the Great Paul Simon’s Birthday! Ol’ Rhymin’ Simon is 75 today, and is currently ‘Resting Comfortably’ at Norwalk Hospital after receiving ‘Birthday Punches’ from his wife, Edie Brickell. (Unfortunately for him, she didn’t forget the ‘Extra One for Good Luck’) Doctors say that after a few months of Intensive Physical Therapy, he should be able to begin walking and talking again.
BIRTHDAY BOY PAUL SIMON. HE HAD A LITTLE BIT OF DIFFICULTY BLOWING OUT THE CANDLES ON HIS CAKE
6:16:40 A.M. – Warner reports that former Cowboy Defensive End, Greg Hardy, is signing up to fight in the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts). We wonder if this dumb bastard, who was once suspended from the NFL for domestic violence, realizes that he won’t be fighting against women.
TAKE A GOOD SELFIE OF YOUR FACE, GREG, SO THEY CAN I.D. YOUR BODY AFTER THAT FIRST FIGHT
6:40:27 A.M. – Former Navy SEAL and U.S. Senator from Nebraska, Bob Kerrey, is the guest. We learn that he is a fan of Lucinda Williams. So now we know who the other one is.
LUCINDA AT A RECENT CONCERT. HER POOR DRUMMER JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE
7:11:57 A.M. – Breaking News: Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize in Literature. We would love for the I-Man to have Bob on as a guest so he can ask him: “How does it feeeeeel?”
BOB WON THE NOBEL? EVERYBODY MUST. GET. STONED.
7:17:34 A.M. – It’s also Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’ birthday, and he calls in to the program much to Warner’s delighted surprise. ‘Jerry’ says for his birthday, he plans on taking Donald Trump to the ‘Titty Bar’…but then realizes Trump wouldn’t want to go because he’s got his own titties. A Pair o’ Big Ol’ Blubber Titties.
TRUMP DENIES HAVING ‘BLUBBER TITTIES’… WHILE ON THE WAY TO GET HIS ANNUAL MAMMOGRAM
7:39:16 A.M. – PSYCHOS! Featuring Lionel, Tony Powell, Deirdre Imus, and Curtis Sliwa. Lionel begins with a tirade against the mainstream media and their obsession with ‘Billy Bush and Locker Room Blather’. He says we’re looking at World War Three, a Government Takeover and Banksters crashing our economy, but what is the media concerned about? What are they fixated on? BILLY BUSH! BILLY BUSH! BILLY BUSH! He says ‘Bush’ so many times, Rosie O’Donnell peeks her head into the studio.
Tony suggests that Americans like being conned, which is “Why they play 3 Card Monte and tried to get a Creamsicle elected.” He’s outraged that he has yet to see any plans, drawings, blueprints or models for this supposed ‘Wall’ that Trump says he’s building. “You’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray…you didn’t land on the Cotton Candy Headed Cheeto, the Cotton Candy Headed Cheeto landed on you!” Tony scares us. He’s very angry.
TONY NOTES THAT ‘EVEN THE MODEL WAS MADE IN CHINA’
Deirdre reads an Open Letter she wrote to Robert DeNiro, chastising him for his vitriolic attack on Donald Trump. She is livid that DeNiro used his celebrity platform to slam The Donald, (which, she admits, is easy) instead of going against Big Pharma and their Medical Vaccine lies. She points out how cowardly he was pulling the ‘Vaxxed’ documentary from his TriBeca film festival. We’re not so sure you want to make the I-Woman angry, Bob. Even Travis Bickle would be afraid of her.
SOME BRAGGADOCIO FROM BICKLE. IT AIN’T GONNA WORK, TRAVIS.
Curtis is upset by the panic caused by the epidemic of ‘Creepy Clown’ sightings across the country, and the fact that McDonald’s has put their Spokes-Clown, Ronald, on the shelf to avoid any negative publicity. Mr. Sliwa asks the most important question of the day: How are we going to beat ISIS if we can’t take down these Creepy Clowns?
MAYBE WE SHOULD SIC THE CREEPY CLOWNS ON ISIS
8:05:11 A.M. – ‘Jerry Jones’ calls back, and tells Warner he’s going to the Tittie Bar by himself…and he will be putting his head between those ‘Big Ol’ Titties’ and go “Bbplbplbplbplbplbplbplbplb”!!!! A little Birthday ‘Motorboating’
UNFORTUNATELY, AFTER GOOGLING THE TERM ‘MOTORBOATING’, THIS WAS REALLY THE ONLY PHOTO WE COULD SAFELY USE
8:17:34 A.M. – The Boss says that he was going to go lie down, but realized that Sean Gleason from the PBR will be on at 8:40, and he’s cancelled twice before, due to the I-Man’s illness. So Imus says he’s going to ‘Stick it out.’ What? Are you having a fever dream, Boss? You’re going to stick out your…oh. Okay. You mean you’re going to ‘soldier through till the interview’’. Whew. We got scared there for a second.
MAYBE HE MEANT HE WOULD STICK OUT HIS TONGUE…WE HOPE TO GOD
8:41:07 A.M. – Sean Gleason, CEO of PBR, (Not Pabst Blue Ribbon, Professional Bull Riders) is on, and he says that the organization secured a pledge from all their Bull Fighters, to stand during the National Anthem. Makes sense to us, as, not only is it a patriotic display of their respect for, and pride in, our nation, but, after riding a bull all day, the LAST thing a cowboy wants to do is ‘sit down’.
THIS COWBOY WILL BE STANDING…HE’LL BE A LITTLE WOBBLY, BUT…STANDING NEVERTHELESS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
We Celebrate Mr. Robert Zimmerman’s Nobel Prize for Literature
Paul Simon’s 75th Birthday
(Here comes Edie, Paul…DUCK! )