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Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Psychos segments on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Dangers of Formaldehyde Lurk in Everyday Products

by Deirdre Imus - The chemical and known human carcinogen formaldehyde pops up in many unexpected places, like pressed wood products such as cabinets and flooring, hair straightening or curling treatments, fertilizers, cigarette smoke, and some plastic and paper products. It is also used to kill germs, or as a preservative, which is its main function in the funeral industry. And, it is putting at risk the lives of those who deal with the dead.  Read more...

Playing Offense Against GMO's: Your Right To Know

by Deirdre Imus - Back in April the popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle announced it would use only ingredients free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Last year, Whole Foods Market committed to “full transparency” on products containing GMOs, demanding that by 2018 all products sold in its U.S. and Canadian stores be labeled to indicate if they contain genetically engineered materials. These are noble proclamations with potentially huge implications and should not be taken lightly.  Read more...

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

This #1 New York Times best-selling guide to decluttering your home from Japanese cleaning consultant Marie Kondo takes readers step-by-step through her revolutionary KonMari Method for simplifying, organizing, and storing.  Read more....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Thursday
    Aug272015

    Trick or Treat

    6:05:03 A.M. – Rob is not here today. Imus thinks that he’s taping The Good Wife. That wrapped about an hour ago. The real reason he’s not here is that Monday starts International Bacon Day week. He wants to be first in line when they open the doors to Peter Lugers.

    Hopefully He Can Find A Spot Holder

    6:15:56 A.M. – Connell reports that Hillary Clinton is now backtracking, and doing a little mea culpa over her emails. She now admits that she shouldn’t have used a private server, and that she takes full responsibility, which makes the I-Man feel better as he was carrying the burden of thinking that it was his fault. The Boss states that “She’s over!!” as people begin to make excuses he again states, “I said, she’s over”. Well, So it is written. So it shall be done.

    Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, Who Is Your Server That He Is Greater Than Mine?

    6:18:47 A.M. – Imus asks again if any of us are watching the World Track and Field Championships in Beijing, China. It’s a chorus of no except for Warner, whose job it is to monitor these things. The Boss is excited about the 200 meter showdown between Usain Bolt and Justin Gatlin. Imus mentioned that both men ran their heats in just over 19 seconds, while Warner maintains that they ran it in just over 20 seconds. A quick check reveals that Imus was right. Warner says that it must’ve happened before he went to bed. What happened Warner? They were running a 19 second 200 and then saw you putting your jammies on, and grabbing your teddy bear so they slowed down?

    Warner “Changed The Rule”. If He’s Not Watching We Don’t Have To Run Fast Mon. Everyting Irie.

    6:38:17 A.M. – We’re very excited. We have a great guest this morning. The Simpsons Ned Flanders is on the program. He is probably the first animated character to appear on the show. We’ve been huge fans of Ned Fl….wait …what? That’s Stuart Taylor Jr?? Get the f*ck outta here! Holy smokes it is Taylor. He better get his liver checked.

    Oh Yea, Like You Wouldn’t Make The Same Mistake

    6:42:34 A.M. – During the interview The I-Man asks Ned…um…Taylor about his friend Donald Trump. Taylor says that he’s very anti-Trump. “He’s a blowhard, a buffoon, and a hothead. He’s shockingly ignorant about military issues. …He watches generals on TV?? His military policy is going to come from the tube.” So Taylor, it looks like you’re still on the fence and really haven’t made up your mind on Trump. It’s okay it’s still early in the process.

    We Guess It All Depends On Which TV Military Advisors Trump Listens To.

    We’d Go With The A-Team.

    7:O5:32 A.M. – The I-Man asks us if we’ve ever seen horses swim. Well we’ve seen some really fat people at the pool, but calling them horses is not right as that hurts their feelings. It’s difficult enough to deal with all of the people running for cover every time they get on the diving board. Apparently, unbeknownst to us all they rehab actual horses in a pool when they’re injured. We guess that’s good news, as there is somewhere to go when fat folks on the diving board goes horribly wrong.  

    Hey Who Wants To Play Marco Polo?

    7:22:02 A.M. –  Bernie informs us that there is a Ronda Rousey porn parody called Ronda Arouse Me. Get it? See what they did? We wonder how we missed that. Maybe it’s not on the news sites we regularly visit. We can’t remember the last time we were on www.Broadcastermonkeyspank.com

    We’re Sure It’s Really Well Written

    7:27:32 A.M. – Warner reports that the red hot New York Mets continued their winning ways yesterday after Bartolo Colon pitched seven scoreless innings against the Phillies. Bernie, from way downtown, observed that Bartolo looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid. Boom!

    Colon Is On The Left. We Think

    7:41:32 A.M. – It’s time for Psychos or as we like to call it Alan Colmes Whack A Mole. This week’s segment begins with Colmes taking down Donald Trump for not forcefully taking down the White Supremacists that support his campaign. In what must surely be one of the signs of the Apocalypse Deirdre takes Alan Colmes side. So this is how the world ends. No point in renewing the Sports Illustrated subscription.

    Thanks A Lot Alan.

    7:42:45 A.M. – Deirdre is still fuming at Trump. This is the only reason she didn’t club Alan, like a baby seal, as is her custom. She has even gone as far as taking down the I-Man for what she considers a kiss ass interview of The Donald. Sounds like she’s calling the boss a pu**y. Not that we think you are sir. We…um… thought it was a fine interview.

    Deirdre And A Few Of Her Friends Decide To Pay Trump A Visit (Artist’s Rendering)

    7:44:25 A.M. – Curtis Sliwa brings the noise and a fair amount of the funk. Not all of the funk, but certainly enough for everybody to have some of the funk. He goes after ESPN for whacking our own Mike Lupica. He says that Lupica, who in his opinion is the heir to the great Dick Young, was canned because he had the stones to go after MSG head honcho James Dolan. Curtis, we agree with you, so this week we won’t say anything about your stupid hat.

    Curtis Is About To Go All Keanu Reeves On James Dolan And ESPN

    7:46:45 A.M. – Bernie is also ticked off at ESPN for being cowards. They have suspended Curt Schilling for his statement comparing Nazis to Radical Muslims. Bernie is disgusted by people who are upset with the Caitlyn Jenner Halloween costumes. He correctly points out that many controversial figures have been lampooned with Halloween costumes, i.e. O.J. Simpson, and Monica Lewinsky (which came with a jar of Hellman’s by the way). We agree. The only men that should be upset with a Jenner costume are those that are so poorly endowed that they don’t have to “tuck”.

    Trick Or Treat? Sounds Like a Trick Question

    8:15:43 A.M. – The Boss takes a shot at Gunz, and his “skinny jeans”. Gunz claims that the skinny jeans show off his big package. We assume that the package must be a large, white, FedEx box that would indeed contrast nicely with one’s blue jeans in a flattering manner. Surely this fool is not talking about his d*ck. As the I-Man correctly points out Gunzelman possesses a “gnat di*k”. Let’s just say that there’s a Caitlyn Jenner costume with Gunz’ name on it this Halloween.

    In Fairness To Gunz She Takes A lot Of Pills. We’re Sure He’s Bigger Than Some Of Them

    8:43:23 A.M. – I-Fave Bill O’Reilly is the guest this morning. He’s not on to promote anything, which we view as another sign of the Apocalypse. His next Killing book isn’t out until September. The two broadcasting giants discuss Donald Trump’s chances in the upcoming New Hampshire, and Iowa primaries. O’Reilly thinks that Trump will win both but he won’t win the nomination. Bill says that in the grand scheme of things Trump has already won. He’s shaken up the process and has “increased his fame exponentially”. Exponents? We hope O’Reilly doesn’t expect us to do the math. The Boss asks Bill why he wasn’t invited to his party. O’Reilly says that it wasn’t a party, but a fundraiser for wayward radio hosts to provide care and a place for them to live in their old age. He thought it would’ve been awkward to have Imus there. No kidding. He wanted to raise money. If people saw that it would be going to help keep the I-Man’s oxygen tanks filled they would’ve left. He’s kidding of course. Besides, Deirdre would never put Imus in a nursing home. She doesn’t have to, there are plenty of acres to hide a body at the Willows.

     

    The Main House Is A Hundred Yards Away. If I Leave Now I’ll Be There By Spring

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We Haven’t Watch One Second Of The World Track And Field Championships In Beijing. We’re Sure You Haven’t Either. If You have A Minute It’s Worth Checking Out

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ 

    Sorry Just F*&king With You

    Seriously Click Below

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVwOU2wvFNk

    Wednesday
    Aug262015

    The Don & Don Show

    6:05:00 A.M. – We are all excited because…Donald Trump will be the guest this morning!  Let the games…BEGIN! 

    LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…THE NEXT BATSH#T CRAZY PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

    6:08:56 A.M. – ‘Apologies’ becomes the theme of the program so far.  USC Coach Steve Sarkasian has apologized for his inappropriate behavior at the recent ‘Salute To Troy’ Rally, saying that, “You can’t mix Pills and Alcohol.”    “Yes you can.” Assures the I-Man, who has had some experience with that back in the 70’s and Early 80’s.

    THIS IS WHAT THEY’RE NOW CALLING A ‘SARKASIAN SHOT’

    6:12:24 A.M. – Warner reports on Curt Schilling’s apology for posting a meme which, essentially, compared Muslims to…Nazis.  Specifically Adolph Hitler.  Hitler is a very sore subject with Warner.  In fact, when he went to Austria on vacation, visited the Hotel Imperial on the Ring, and snuck upstairs to see the place where the Fuhrer made that Infamous speech…(He was told by the person downstairs that it was ‘Verboten’) and…pointed his finger and thumb towards the outdoor railing, and…pretended to shoot the tiny mustached dictator.  Apparently, he actually made a ‘Bang Bang’ sound as well. At least in his head.  He says he didn’t say it out loud because he “Had a Silencer on it.”  We certainly hope he didn’t do the same thing when he visited Deeley Plaza.

    IF THERE WAS A ‘’WAY BACK MACHINE”, THIS IS WHAT WARNER WOULD DO

    6:15:44 A.M. – There’s a lot of discussion about Roger Ailes, who said that he believes Trump should apologize to Megyn Kelly.  Trump refuses to do so…so we think this is ‘Going to the Mattresses’, like between the Tattaglias and the Corleone family.

    “ONE DAY, AND THAT DAY MAY NEVER COME…I WILL ASK YOU TO PUT ME BACK ON FOX...UNTIL THEN, TAKE MY GIVING YOU THE BEST RATINGS FOR ANY DEBATE ON YOUR NETWORK EVER, AS MY GIFT ON THE DAY I BUILD A WALL…”

    6:20:40 A.M. – “Bernard is really a pussy when it comes to the Fox Staff.”  Harsh words from the I-Man, who accuses Bernie of being in the tank for the Fox Network…not wishing to bite the hand that feeds him.  But we can firmly attest that he is not Fox’s bitch, I-Man.  He’s YOUR Bitch.

    THE I-MAN DROPPING SOME SCIENCE ON FOX

    6:40:27 A.M. Fred Dicker is on to discuss Donald Trump.  Fred mentions that he spoke to some Republican Bigwigs who, in their opinion, think Trump is a clown.  Sounds like Sour Grapes to us.  But if Trump WAS a clown…he’d be the BEST Clown ever, everybody would know it, and he would get more clowns in a little car than anyone has ever done before, believe him, he could do it. 

    ‘TRUMP-O THE CLOWN’ ALL HIS BALLOON ANIMALS HAVE HIS NAME ON THEM

    7:05:37 A.M. – Warner reports that Mike Lupica is out at ESPN Radio.   I-Man believes Warner sounds like he’s blaming Lupy for ESPN’s dismal ratings” Warner is a hater.  We’re sorry, but this is clearly a case of ‘Midget Sportscaster on Midget Sportscaster Crime.’

    TWO MEN ENTER…ONE MAN LEAVES.

    7:22:44 A.M. –  The I-Man says that he was interviewing a potential employee and asked the fellow if he thought he would be able to pass an FBI Style background check.  The gentleman assured Imus that he could…but…he HAD been in prison.  “What were you in prison for?” the Boss asks.  Which was a very good question.  Because if the answer was “For killing an old cowboy”, that would be a problem.  Otherwise?  No problem hiring him.  So it wasn’t, and he was.   He’s got one thing going for him: his experience when ‘Dropping the Soap’ in the joint will certainly prepare him for life with Imus as a Boss.

     

     7:26:06 A.M. – Just before Blonde on Blonde, Imus, after mentioning that Lupica was his only friend, other than Deirdre and Wyatt…but, after taking an ‘On Air Inventory’, he checks off a list of many people who he considers friends.  Including… Rob and Tony, who, he says, he loves, and would adopt if he could.  Okay.  We’re game.

    “WHATCHYOO TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, IMUS?”

    7:35:16 A.M. BLONDE ON BLONDE, or, as we like to call it, LET’S CLUB LIS WIEHL, THE BABY SEAL, WITH DEIRDRE IMUS.  Lis reports that she did, in fact, attend the Bill O’Reilly Summer Soiree’ in the Hamptons.   She says it was a great venue, the food was great, the people were fabulous, she took long walks on the beach…we’re shocked.  Not that O’Reilly throws such a great party, but that she actually remembers being there.  

    “HEY LIS!  ARE YOU HAVING FUN?  LIS?  LIS?...”

    7:38:16 A.M. –  They discuss Trump, who, Lis insists, was NOT at the party, but then again…it’s still a little fuzzy…Deirdre is NOT a fan of Trump and his misogyny, specifically, the way he goes after Megyn Kelly.  She’s just getting warmed up, in stage one of a Full – Blown, Apocalyptic, D-Woman Rampage, about what a Douche our 8:30 guest is…and the I-Man tells Crash to go to break.  Fortunately, we’ve run out of time.  However, we are sure that Mrs. Imus’ rant will not go unheard.  The Boss has a LONNNNNNNG afternoon ahead of him.

    YOU OUGHT NOT TRY TO TAKE ON DEIRDRE, MR. TRUMP

    8:07:34 A.M. – Imus reports that Wyatt now has his Learner’s Permit to Drive.  Which, could be why there was just a spike in Texas Auto Insurance Rates.  The I-Man let the Wy-Man drive back home from the DMV, with Mom in the backseat, SCREAMING every three seconds about how they were all going to die. 

    WYATT! LOOK OUT FOR THAT CALF!  YOU’RE NOT ROPING, NOW, DAMMIT!

    8:39:43 A.M. – Billionaire Candidate, Savior of the Country, the Man Who Will Make America Great Again, and the Next President of the United States, Donald Trump is on.  We can’t help but think that this, as he would say, is HUGE.  In fact, we fully expect for him to put his name on the Interview.  He certainly thinks it’s now the ‘Donald in the Morning’ Program…featuring J.D. Imus.  Don & Don with you…21 minutes to the hour…QUACK QUACK.

    “THIS DUCK IS FANTASTIC, IT’S A GREAT DUCK, BELIEVE ME, IT’S THE GREATEST DUCK IN THE WORLD.”

    8:41:56 A.M. – Mr. Trump proudly states that his “Poll Numbers are great EVERYWERE.”   Although, our research shows that he’s still a little ‘soft’ in…Guadalajara.

    CANDIDATE TRUMP WITH POTENTIAL RUNNING MATE…GEORGE LOPEZ

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF THE ‘WY-MAN’ GETTING HIS DRIVER’S LICENSE:

    NASCAR Legend Jeff Gordon

    Not Someone You Want To Have Giving You Driving Lessons

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5mHPo2yDG8

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRIgmKGDqFM

    Tuesday
    Aug252015

    Assume Crash Position

    6:05:00 A.M. – As you might suspect, the I-Man was very concerned about the Stock Market taking a tanking yesterday.  He called his business manager people, The Andrews Brothers, and asked, “How much money did I lose?”   Their Diplomatic answer?  “Well, you made some, but you just gave some of it back.”  He’s not interested in giving ANYTHING back.  Connell, in an attempt to quell Imus’ annoyance with him because “He doesn’t know anything.” says that, as long as the Boss holds on for a couple of years, he’ll be alright.   Quick Translation:  …He’s f#cked.

    NOT EXACTLY ‘BLACK MONDAY’…MORE LIKE ‘BROWN MONDAY’

    6:08:56 A.M. – Imus shares with us one of the side effects of his alcoholic personality:  “Whenever I order something online, I always order overnight delivery.”   Sometimes, the shipping costs FIVE TIMES what the purchased item does.  He says it’s because he fears he’s never gonna get it.  Well…if you consider the above advice about ‘Holding on for a couple of years’…you could be right, I-Man.

    IMUS SHOULD KEEP SHOPPING.  EVEN THOUGH HE GOT THE GUM FOR 29 CENTS HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THE SHIPPING DOWN TO $14.99

    6:15:44 A.M. – Despite the fact that he lost money, the I-Man says he is actually HAPPY that the Chinese are having financial problems.  Well, not the Chinese PEOPLE, per se…but the country.

    “DAMN YOU, IMUS!  I AM MISERABLE!”

    6:40:27 A.M. Republican Pin Up Girl, and Alan Colmes Sister-In-Law, Monica Crowley, is on and the I-Man asks her if Trump is right.  She says Trump’s right about everything.  Maybe everything except choice of hair care products.  Imus then asks if she believes that Trump could win the nomination.  She says that when she was asked that very question on this program a few weeks ago, she thought it was preposterous…because he wasn’t serious…but now…she’s not so sure, especially because Trump appears that he’s actually TRYING to win.  What a difference a few weeks makes.  A few weeks ago if you asked us if the I-Man would still be here with us…  But to his credit he’s also pretty serious…because he’s actually TRYING to live.

    MONICA…POSING FOR THE TROOPS

    7:09:37 A.M. – Connell reports that Vice President Joe Biden is considering a potential Presidential Run, and, apparently, has President Obama’s blessing to do so, leading the I-Man to observe:  “Ol’ Grandma’s twisting slowly in the wind…”

    THE ANSWER MY FRIEND…IS TWISTIN’ IN THE WIND…

    7:22:44 A.M. – Chris Christie, apparently, had told Bernie, in person, that he would love to appear on the program again.  Christie, you may recall, was the beneficiary of the I-Man’s dragging his fat ass across the Finish Line when he campaigned for Governor…resulting in his taking the oath of office in January of 2010.  Of course, when Bernie attempted to book him…it was a no go.  Bernard blames Christie’s ‘People’.  The I-Man’s response?  “He’s a fat liar.”  Well…he’d pretty much be a ‘Fat’ everything.  Fat Husband, Fat Father…Fat Sleeper…Fat Sitter….

    CHRIS CHRISTIE

    …AND ON THE WAY TO THE DONUT SHOP

    7:25:56 A.M. – Yancy, the Cumulus Engineer out in Texas, stops by this morning to make an attempt at fixing the hideous technical problems in the I-Man’s Brenham Studio.  He calls ahead to say that he will be stopping at Starbucks on the way over, and asks the Boss if he’d like anything.   OH MAN!  “Iced Mocha…no whip!”  Imus excitedly requests.  And Yancy, indeed, does arrive, Frosty Venti Treat in hand.  No Whip.  As ordered.  Why no whip?  Because the I-Man is pretty ‘Whipped’ already.

    HEY.  YOU MISSED A SPOT.  DON’T LET DEIRDRE SEE THAT…

    7:39:45 A.M. HOLLYWOOD & VINE, or, as we like to call it, One of these three ladies is not like the others.  Riedel rails against the P.C. Epidemic on College Campuses, which has forced some Comedians to refuse working at them.  There’s an actual boycott of schools, initiated by Headliners like Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Maher.  

    “…AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE ‘BLACK WIDOW SPIDER’…I’M SORRY, I MEAN, THE ‘RECENTLY BEREAVED ARACHNID OF ETHNIC MINORITY ORIGIN…”

    7:40:08 A.M. – Imogen wants to take Josh Duggar, one of the Sanctimonious Stars of the Reality Series ’19 Kids and Counting’  to task, not just for the accusations of molesting family members, but now, because his was one of the names on the Ashley Madison Member List made public by hackers last week. Apparently, he had TWO separate accounts, with ‘Wish Lists’ for the kinds of things he was looking for from a mistress which included, among others,  ‘Sensual Massage,  “Extended Foreplay/Teasing,  Bubble Bath for 2, Giving and Receiving Oral Sex, Sex Toys and…Cuddling.’    Wow. What a Romantic.  He’s married…he’s just not a ‘Fanatic’ about it.

    UM…JOSH?  THAT’S GRINDR.  NOT TINDER.  GRINDR IS FOR GAY

    …OH, NEVER MIND

    7:45:16 A.M. – Deirdre is upset with Donald Trump for the way he is going after Megan Kelly. It seems that the Donald has broken the truce that Roger Ailes established. The D-Woman believes that Trump is trying to compensate for his “little penis”. We don’t know where she would get that idea. Just because a man wants to build really, really tall buildings and put his name on them doesn’t mean that….ok so he does have a small penis.

    APPARENTLY, IN REAL LIFE?  DONALD’S NOT SO ‘GRANDE’

    8:07:34 A.M. – The I-Man is curious about Donald Trump, who, by the way, will be a guest on the program tomorrow morning.  He wants to know how it benefits him to go after Megan Kelly.  Maybe he just wants to hear her say his name.  Repeatedly.  Chastising him for being a…bad boy.

    MEGYN WILL MAKE HIM BLEED FROM HIS…WHEREVER…

    8:15:11 A.M. – Jeff Foxworthy is coming up.  The I-Man mentions that Jeff hasn’t been on the program since back during the MSNBC days…in fact, he recalls that when he was fired, Foxworthy cancelled.  Well…um…if you were fired and then he cancelled…that would indicate he’s NOT smarter than a 5th Grader. 

    FOXWORTHY DURING HIS HUMBLE BEGINNINGS ON ‘HEE HAW’

    8:22:44 A.M. – ‘Crash’ is filling in for a vacationing Lou Rufino this week and next, and wants the crew to rate his performance on a scale of 1-10.  Scale?  Crash hasn’t seen the face of one in years…or, for that matter, his dick.  Nevertheless, everyone gives the lad a solid B to B+, between 8 and 8.5. 

    CRASH MIGHT’VE DONE BETTER WITH THE RUSSIAN JUDGE, (CENTER )

    HAD HE JUST BEEN ABLE TO STICK HIS LANDING

    8:40:08 A.M. – The Aforementioned Jeff Foxworthy phones in.  Wow.  He’s Great.  Waaaay better than Ron White.  We never get tired of that ‘You Might Be A Redneck’ stuff. 

    FROM JEFF FOXWORTHY’S 25TH EDITION ‘YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK’ CALENDAR

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A COUPLE OF EXAMPLES THAT ILLUSTRATE

     JUST WHY THE CHINESE ECONOMY

    ‘SUCK BALL’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn9xOwH2-Kw

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o63SIc8hvYk

    Monday
    Aug242015

    The Return of Connell McShane

    6:05:00 A.M. – Connell is back from his week of Vacation at the Nude Beach.  We advise you not even attempt to visualize that image.

    GOOD THING HE BROUGHT HIS GUITAR FOR THE FIRESIDE SINGALONG

    6:08:56 A.M. – Warner is a little confused over the Usain Bolt story.  Sportscaster Wolf had the Imperious Jamaican beating Justin Gatlin in the 100 Meter Dash by a SECOND.  Um…Warner?  It was a HUNDRETH of a second.  In Track, a whole second is a lifetime.  Almost as long as it feels to listen to LARRY Gatlin tell a story.

    HEY.  LARRY.  GET TO THE F&CKIN’ POINT

    6:15:44 A.M. – Imus stops at Bucky’s for the Cappuccino.  Which is the equivalent of going to 7-11 to avail yourself of their Wine Cellar.  He might as well buy Sushi at Wal-Mart.  The drink is loaded with caffeine and sugar.  Which means the Boss will be unable to breathe for a much longer part of the day.

    AND WHEN DEIRDRE’S NOT LOOKING, HE EATS A HANDFUL OF SLIM JIMS

    6:40:27 A.M. Bo says that he’s ‘Out of the Closet’   And that Scott Walker “Needs to go to the corner and get a can of man.”  Oh.  So it comes in cans now.  Guess that he knows this fact is evidence that Bo truly IS out of the closet.

    BO, ON THE CARNIVAL ‘GAY CRUISE’

     WITH HIS HANDS ON ANOTHER MANS CANS

    7:15:37 A.M. Connell reports that D.C. is cracking down on Prostitutes.  They’ve arrested 200.  Half of which were found in Congress, disguised as Senators and Congressman.   The others were at Bill Clinton’s Bachelor Pad in Georgetown.

    IF YOU LOOK UP ‘IRONY’ IN THE DICTIONARY, YOU WILL FIND THIS PICTURE

    7:22:44 A.M. – Bernard was invited to Bill O’Reilly’s big Summer Party in the Hamptons.  Bernie was invited.  Lis Wiehl was not only invited, she actually ATTENDED.  You know who wasn’t invited?  The I-Man.  Why?  “Maybe he thought you might show up.” Offers Bernie.

    “HEY DON!  C’MON IN!  THE WATER’S FINE!

    7:38:06 A.M. VINNIE FROM QUEENS – Begins with the Warner Wolf/Usain Bolt Controversy.  Apparently, 7:40:06 A.M. – NAT IS BACK!!!  Mr. Candido has rejoined the panel after an unfortunate Hiatus due to scheduling issues, but, nevertheless, he is on the phone and CROWING about his METS.   He tells everyone that he predicted them getting into the Playoffs back in the Winter, before Pitchers and Catchers even reported for Spring Training.  God, is there anything more tedious than having to listen to a self-satisfied Mets Fan?   Um…yes.  Listening to a self-satisfied Rodeo Fan.

    “SEE YOU IN OCTOBER, BRO.  I JUST HAVE TO GET THE COLOR ON THIS TATTOO FIXED FIRST.”

    7:45:16 A.M. – Warner is unimpressed with Tennessee Titans’ Marcus Mariota’s performance in the Pre-Season Game against a very good defense from the Rams…throwing 5 for 8 for 58 yards.  The I-Man, however, disagrees, as Marcus passed the Eye Test, as he looked good doing it, even though he was only on the field for a short time.  Warner doesn’t get it.  If you stick your finger in a birthday cake and taste the frosting, you don’t have to eat a whole slice to know the cake is good.   

    “LAST ONE TO THE CAKE IS A ROTTEN EGG, MON!”

    8:07:34 A.M. – The I-Man is irritated with Connell because McShane can’t explain the stock market tumble to him.  “Don’t you also work for Fox Business?” whines the Boss.  Connell does indeed.  But there, he doesn’t need to know anything about the Stock Market…he just has to read the prompter. 

    “NOT TO EMPLOY TOO TECHNICAL OF A FINANCIAL TERM…THE STOCK MARKET CRASH IS OFFICIALLY AN …’ICKY DEAL’.

    8:15:11 A.M. – In light of Mayor DeBlasio’s efforts to rid Times Square of the Topless Women, the I-Man wonders if there aren’t more important things for the mayor to be worried about other than women’s ‘Bressesses.’  We’re in favor of Tig Ol’ Bitties on 42nd Street.  As long as Buzz Lightyear, Mickey Mouse, and Elmo keep their shirts on.

    PERVERT ELMO COPPING A FEEL OFF KATY PERRY

    8:39:43 A.M. – Christopher, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on to address the rumors that he and former partner, Mike Francesa will be reunited.  Which is the Sports Broadcasting Equivalent to the Beatles getting back together.  Except, in this case, Francesa is John Lennon…and Russo is ‘Ringo’.

    THE DIFFERENCE HERE IS…RUSSO WOULD BE THE ONE YOU’D WANT TO SHOOT

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    For those of you who are as confused about the Chinese Stock Market as we are, we offer the following sequence from ‘Trading Places’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLySXTIBS3c

    Friday
    Aug212015

    If My Mother Had Been a Wheelbarrow...

    6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man is taking this Friday off, as is his custom, (“Befitting a legend” says Bernie, sucking up like a Pilot Fish) and so Bernard is hosting…which, you wouldn’t know if it weren’t for the fact that he announces the fact with a few blasts of his trademark air horn.  At least we’re assuming Bernard is hosting and not just a Cruise Ship docking next to the Intrepid.

    THE TOILETS ARE GUARANTEED NOT TO WORK ON THIS VESSEL

    6:08:56 A.M. – While reporting on Pac Man Jones’ claim that, if it weren’t for his suspensions he would have made 100 million dollars, Warner says that… “Well, if my mother had been a wheelbarrow she wouldn’t…” We think he means to invoke the adage: “If my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wheelbarrow.”   But… “If my mother had been a wheelbarrow…”    Finish that thought, Warner.  What if you mother were a wheelbarrow?  Would you push her around the yard by her ankles?

    “OKAY MA, I’M GOING TO PUT SOME BRICKS ON YOUR BACK NOW.”

    6:15:44 A.M. – Bernie reports that ‘Deez Nuts’, a prank pseudonym for a presidential candidate created by a 15 year old farm boy, is polling well in North Carolina…certainly higher than Senator Lindsey Graham...who, as you might expect, is BELOW ‘Deez Nuts’.  While the Poll…well, the way we’ve always understood it, is… ABOVE ‘Deez Nuts’.   Unless of course the person possessing ‘Deez Nuts’ had been kicked in the crotch.

    WE’D LIKE TO SUPPORT DEEZ NUTS

    6:40:27 A.M. Bernie’s favorite Congressman, Peter King, is on, and he believes that Hillary should’ve said up front what the story was with the Emails.  Of course, if she had admitted the truth at the very beginning, she probably wouldn’t be in as much trouble as she is now.  Then again…if she was a wheelbarrow…

    HILLARY WIPING HER SERVER CLEANER THAN MONICA’S BLUE DRESS

    …AND EMPLOYING A WHEELBARROW TO RID HER HOME OFFICE OF EVIDENCE, ALONG WITH THE SHOVEL SHE’LL USE TO HEAP THE PILE OF BULLSH*T SHE’LL BE USING IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE HER ASS FROM INDICTMENT

    7:05:11 A.M.  Bernie is STILL carrying a grudge against Mayor Bolshevik Bill DeBlasio, for his plans to rid Times Square of the Topless Women…which, may even include closing the pedestrian plaza that was recently built.  Which means there may not be a lot of time to check these babes out.  In fact, we would recommend going today…as we are expecting heavy rain…and we don’t know that the paint is waterproof.

    HOPEFULLY, THESE COLORS WILL RUN

    7:15:37 A.M. – Bernie plays a few cuts from Bernie Sanders’ Album.  Yes, that’s not a typo, the Socialist Candidate for President actually released a record called ‘We Shall Overcome’…a selection of Folk Songs that…well you could call it a ‘Spoken Word’ Album…if it weren’t for the fact that Bernie recites the lyrics…rhythmically.  Which leads us to believe that’s his actual singing voice.

    IT DIDN’T GO ‘PLATINUM’, IT DIDN’T GO ‘GOLD’…IT DIDN’T EVEN GO ‘LEAD’

    7:22:44 A.M. – The term ‘Anchor Babies’ is discussed, as Bernie believes it’s ‘Much Ado About Nothing.’ We, however, strongly believe this practice should be stopped.  Immediately.

    AN ANCHOR BABY DROPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC

    THIS IS WRONG.  JUST…WRONG

    7:38:26 A.M. VINNIE FROM QUEENS where Gunz states that Johnny Manziel is his idol.  Makes sense.  They’re both too short to play for the NFL.

    GUNZ EMULATING HIS PETITE HERO

    7:39:59 A.M. – The boys discuss Tiger Woods having a great appearance at the Wyndham Championship. Despite the fact that it’s a Chump Championship.

    TIGER TEEING OFF ON THE CHALLENGING, 11TH HOLE, PAR FOUR, ‘WYNDHAM WINDMILL’

    (AT WHICH, HE CHOKED AND TRIPLE BOGEYED)

    7:41:37 A.M. – The topic of John McEnroe’s chances of beating Serena Williams is brought up, and Warner says that interviewed Chris Evert, who said she played her husband, John Lloyd, and he beat her EVERY TIME.  No matter how good she was, she said, he would always win because he’s a man. Of course, that was back in the days when they played tennis with wooden racquets…when the question was whether or not Renee’ Richards could beat herself in a tennis match.

    IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL ‘MIXED DOUBLES’?

    7:45:16 A.M. – Bigger Douche?  Brian Cashman vs. Roy Jones.  A guy for telling future Yankee Hall of Famer Derek Jeter he’d rather have Troy Tulowitzki, OR a guy asking Vladimir Putin for Russian Citizenship.  

    “YO, FYODOR…WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS SO MUTHAF@CKIN’ COLD UP IN THIS BITCH?”

    8:09:34 A.M. – Noam Laden, who is filling in on the News for Connell today,  reports that North Korea has given South Korea until 5 PM today, (North Korea Time) to stop blaring criticisms of Kim Jong Un’s regime on loudspeakers over the border.   We can only imagine how nasty these propaganda-laden messages must be: “Over here we have KIA’s with Bluetooth.  Over there, you got man with ONE tooth riding an ox.”  “You like your Dog?  Well, over here you don’t have to eat it.”   “We have nuclear power.  You don’t even have cable.”

    ONE OF KIM’S STAFF ENJOYING LUNCH

    8:39:43 A.M. – Alan Colmes has phoned in, apparently, non-plussed by yesterday’s PSYCHOS where Deirdre beat on him like a Rented, Red-Headed, Step Mule.   He and Bernie have a spirited debate over wide range of subjects, including Bernie Sanders running a positive campaign, Hillary’s ‘You’ve Got Mail’ controversy, and Donald Trump’s ascendency.    This is an unusual situation for Alan to find himself in, as usually, when he’s on the program, it’s with Deirdre, Bernie, Curtis Sliwa and Bo Dietl, who treat him as though he was being jumped into a gang.

    “ISN’T THERE AN EASIER WAY TO INITIATE ME INTO THE GROUP?  LIKE I HAVE TO CARRY SOME ORGANIC SOYBEANS IN MY PANTS, OR SOMETHING?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ADOLF…IS NOT A FAN OF TRUMP’S 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajqWJEVKMLc