6:06:06 a.m. – Todd Snider is sick. The I-Man was looking forward to TS.’s appearance this morning, but the boy is throwing up on the tour bus. He was supposed to be on and sing to help promote his book I NEVER MET A STORY I DIDN’T LIKE which the I-Man maintains is great, as they are clever and amusing stories, not unlike the ones he tells when you go to see him perform live, which is a very entertaining evening. He is, above all, a GREAT Storyteller. And now, he’s got a new one to tell… “The time I threw up BEFORE I saw Imus.”
“TREE HUGGIN’ PEACE LOVIN’ POT SMOKIN’, PORN WATCHIN’, LUNCH TOSSIN’ HIPPIES LIKE ME.”
6:08:18 a.m. – Imus watched ‘Killing Jesus’ last night…but fell asleep before it was over. Probably because, unlike the Kentucky/Notre Dame Game on Saturday… he knows how the story ends.
‘AIR JESUS’ FROM DOWNTOWN…UNFORTUNATELY, THIS FRIDAY, HE’LL BE ON THE D.L. (BUT HE’LL START ON SUNDAY)
6:012:22a.m. – Indiana Governor Mike Pence was on with George Stephanopolis over the weekend. But poor little Tiny Brokaw couldn’t get the Gov to answer a direct ‘Yes or No’ question about Indiana’s new Religious Freedom Law, which would, basically, allow Gays to be discriminated against by businesses and clergy whose beliefs run counter to homosexuals. The I-Man shows how he would take on the interview differently, “You answer, or I come across the desk!” Which would be quite a feat, as the Governor was on Camera from Indiana, so effectively the Boss would be kicking a TV monitor’s ass.
THE I-MAN COULD DEFINITELY TAKE THIS PUSSY
6:17:34 a.m. – Ashley does a story about Lululemon offering a new kind of pants for men… ABC… (Anti-Ball-Crushing). Dagen maintains that “If you’re a man and you walk into a Lululemon to get pants…you already don’t have a scrotum.” Thereby making the purchase a moot point.
IT LOOKS LIKE A SNAIL STUCK IN A WATER BALLOON
6:40:14 a.m. – BBBBBBBBB BO DIETL! Who is FIRED UP this morning! And by ‘Fired Up’ we mean you could attach jumper cables to his nipples and power a small city. The reason for the more than usual energy is…Bo is going to be a GRANDFATHER! His daughter is ‘With Child’. We can’t WAIT to see THIS baby!
“HEY…I’M HUNGRY OVER HERE…HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE OUT YOUR BREASTITATIONS?”
6:42:28 a.m. – There’s a lot of talk of Lesbianics and Homosapiens…but, interestingly enough, Bo’s not speaking of the new law in Indiana, he’s railing about Hilary Clinton and Iran. Somehow, he must think it’s the ‘Lesbianics’ and Homosapiens’ ‘s fault.
A ‘LESBIONIC’ THE CLOSEST THING TO A ‘LESBIANIC’
AND A ‘HOMOSAPIEN’ : ‘DOES THIS LOINCLOTH MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?’
7:05:10 a.m. – During Dr. Bill’s Weather Report, he complains that on the plane back from Hawaii, the cabin was too cold, as it was SIX DEGREES KELVIN outside. The I-Man wonders why our Meteorlollaggallist would care what temperature it was OUTSIDE the plane, but he admits that on the NetJets, they have something called ‘Air Show’ which provides information about the plane, it’s location in the air, its speed, the estimated time of landing AND the temperature outside. All we know is…the temperature INSIDE the I-Jet is somewhere around that in which Orchids thrive and water begins to simmer.
IT’S SO COLD OUTSIDE THE PLANE, THAT’S WHERE THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN SITS
7:15:30 a.m. – Ashley Webster reports that the Porn Industry is re-locating to Las Vegas from its original home in the San Fernando Valley. Some reasons for the move, in Vegas there is no corporate tax, there are no condom laws, and gambling is legal…which is basically what they’ll be doing without condoms. If you don’t practice same sex, ‘What Happens in Vegas’ won’t necessarily STAY in Vegas.
THE ODDS ARE BETTER THAN EVEN YOU’LL NEED A SHOT OF PENNICILLIN
7:40:18 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS Which, as you might imagine is very March Madness Heavy and the first item on the agenda is Whose Final Four are still alive in Tony Powell’s bracket pool. Connell knows he’s in second place, but doubts the existence of the first place guy. Somebody named Chris Felder , who nobody has seen, let alone heard of, causing the Boss to suggest that perhaps it’s an alter-ego of Tony Powell’s. You know, like Chris Gaines is to Garth Brooks.
CHRIS GAINES / GARTH BROOKS
TONY POWELL / ‘CHRIS FIEDLER’
8:05:10 a.m. – As we reported earlier, Todd Snider is sick, but, according to the I-Man, you shouldn’t say you’re ‘Throwing Up’, because everyone will know you’re lying. He says you must say you have a ‘Fever’…because everybody has had a fever, and NOBODY who has a fever feels well. Except for Music Producing Legend Bruce Dickenson…who, when he has a fever, the only prescription is ‘More Cowbell.’
BRUCE DICKENSON IS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, HE PUTS HIS PANTS ON ONE LEG AT A TIME, EXCEPT WHEN HE DOES IT, HE MAKES HIT RECORDS.
8:12:24 a.m. – Imus says that, not only does he hope Todd feels better for his gig tonight at City Winery, but also that they are going to use some Deirdre’s ‘Greening the Cleaning’ products to sanitize the bus from the aftermath of Todd going ‘Pucky Pucky’ in there. Because there won’t be any carcinogens or harsh chemical fumes as there would be with conventional cleaning products. However, one must not forget that Mr. Snider has gone ‘Pucky Pucky’ in a BUS. On which, harsh chemical fumes might actually be an improvement to the way it currently smells.
IT WAS SO BAD, IT PERMEATED TO OUTSIDE THE BUS
8:15:30 a.m – The I-Man tells another Todd Snider story…and then, afterwards, asks Bernie a question, revealing the fact that Bernard has not had his headphones on for the past 15 minutes. He struggles to put them on and turns on his microphone, denying he wasn’t listening. “What was I talking about?” challenges the I-Man. Tony offers. “Kentucky”. Because, at this stage of the game, he’s not sure if what Imus says is a joke…or he really doesn’t remember what he’s just been talking about.
8:17:34 a.m – Imus relates a story about a couple in his building who have a pair of Pitbulls who he meets sometimes on the elevator, when he goes downstairs to the Imus Office. The wife doesn’t appear to have much control over the hounds, but the husband, on the other hand, screams at them like a Drill Sergeant. At least that’s what Imus thinks. In reality, the man is actually speaking to the I-Man. Who wonders why his neighbor keeps telling him to “Play dead.”
A PITBULL WILL EAT YOUR BABY
8:45:08 a.m – Todd Snider was AMAZING. Sounded just like the record. Although his stories were kind of dull…told awfully slowly. And not very well.
WE NEVER EXPECTED TODD TO SHOW UP WITH JOHNNY DEPP
9:03:12 a.m. – Imus tries to tell the origin of ‘The Duck’ story, interrupting Connell’s report about the two bodies found in the building explosion down in the east village…when Connell points this out to the I-Man, the Boss snaps, demanding to know why Connell couldn’t have led with a less tragic story. Sorry. Fewer tragic. Connell pauses to allow Imus to tell the ‘Duck Story’…we’ll be darned. “And then the duck said…’I’m gonna start with this one.’ “
“IF YOU TELL THAT STUPID STORY JUST ONE MORE TIME…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
TODD SNIDER’S FAMOUS ‘JERRY JEFF WALKER’ STORY
AT THE BIG TOP IN CHAUTAUQUA 2014