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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress Must Make Chemical Safety Act Live Up To Its Name

by Deirdre Imus - The latest version of the Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act, endorsed last week by a Senate committee, is nothing short of an irresponsible prescription for disaster. This bill, introduced by Senators Tom Udall and David Vitter, does not come close to fixing anything – except maybe the bank accounts of chemical company executives. The bill pretty much absolves the chemical industry of responsibly for the long-term environmental health effects of its own products and fails to provide an avenue to determine this type of safety for the thousands of chemicals they are producing.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Thursday
    May212015

    Bin Laden: Not Just a Worm, A Bookworm

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Breaking News:  The I-Man is down to 149 pounds!   Of course, he’s going to Austin this weekend for Zack’s Graduation from the University of Texas, and will be holed up in the Governor’s Suite at the Four Seasons with an open line to Room Service.  He says he will have a Hot Fudge Sundae or two.  Just in case you’re concerned…it’s not a Euphemism for some kind of twisted 80’s service for which you’d procure ‘Out Call’.  He means the actual dessert, Ice Cream, Hot Chocolate Syrup, Whipped Cream…and a cherry.

    THE I-MAN, LOOKING FIERCE AT 149 POUNDS.

    “DOES THIS MOHAWK MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?”

    6:12:22 a.m. –  As a result of the Hot Fudge Sundae binging that will be going on in Texas this weekend, the I-Man predicts that when he returns to New York for Tuesday’s program, he will weigh 167 pounds.   Rob has taken bigger dumps than that.   (T.M.I.?   Sorry)

    DOES THIS COUCH MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?

    6:19:38  a.m. –  Mike Breen called the I-Man yesterday, in response to his being taken to task for using the word ‘Exquisite’ when speaking about the Basketball Game the other night.  He blames the I-Man for the somewhat ridiculously ornate speech, as, when he first began his play by play duties for the NBA, he received a gift of a Thesaurus and Grammar Book from the Boss.  Still, we think his choice of rhetoric was somewhat imprudent and improvident…while concurrently sublime. And it also has to do with the fact that, in the off-season, Mike has begun writing Baroque Romance Novels.

    THE FIRST OF THE ‘DEEP IN THE HOLE’ TRILOGY

    6:40:14 a.m. –   Mike Baker is on…or, at least the man who CALLS himself ‘Mike Baker’ is here. Dagen postulated earlier that the man we know as ‘Mike Baker’ is, in fact, someone else.  It’s not his real name, and, for all we know, not his real character.  This could be an invented identity.  Quite frankly, we really don’t want to press him on the subject.  Especially at the beginning of the Holiday Weekend. 

    AGENT 47…REMOVING HIS DISGUISE

    6:40:14 a.m. –   Mike reveals that he learned something on ‘Outnumbered’ yesterday afternoon…that the optimum time to impart information to a man is 8:15 P.M.   At least he THINKS that’s what it was.  They told him this fact at around 12:34 P.M. It’s been our experience that when we needed to impart information to our wives and/or girlfriends, we do it at around 4:30 A.M.  Because upon waking them from a sound sleep, they are too disoriented to understand what we said…and consequently, can’t start punching us.   Then later, when they press us to explain why we spent the mortgage money for a  New Harley…we can’ tell her she must’ve dreamt that.   

    “…and she doesn’t mean anything to me…it’s just for the sex…”

    7:15:34 a.m. –     Dagen is rocking some ‘Tracy Chang’ style hair.  She has it pulled behind.  We’re not surprised that the follically focused Imus likes it.  We’ve always suspected he prefers it from behind. 

    THE I-MAN.  ROCKING THE ‘TRACY CHANG’

    7:40:18 a.m. –  PSYCHOS II   Or, as we like to call it, “IF IT’S THURSDAY, IT MUST BE GUNZ.”   Who, coincidentally, begins the segment by complaining about the Twitter Heat he received for commenting about Iggy Azalea’s new, Post-Plastic Surgery, Look.  His ‘Face Shaming’ nearly ‘Broke the Internet’  like the Naked Kim Kardsashian photo…which, essentially, makes him the SECOND biggest ass on the World Wide Web,

    ‘IGGY’ & ‘PIGGY’

    7:41:44 a.m. – Deirdre is upset by the California Health Care System, who refuses to treat an anorexic woman due to the liability involved.  Apparently, she doesn’t meet the ‘Minimum Weight Requirement’ to be treated at a hospital…which flies in the face of the adage:  “You can’t be too thin.”  

    KAREN CARPENTER.  IF SHE’D JUST HAD A COUPLA SANDWICHES

    7:42:58 a.m. –  Alan Colmes is offended by the Duggar Family, stars of the Reality Series ’19 Kids & Counting’ who are, reportedly, trying for ‘Number 20’.    He shouldn’t worry, really…Mama Duggar might not be able to conceive.  One more kid and her uterus will fall out like a rusty muffler.

    “JORDAN…IS THAT A CELLO?  OR IS THAT MOMMY’S CERVIX?”

    7:43:44 a.m. –  Bo is worried about…well, forget his rant…what’s REALLY bothering him is Alan Colmes.   Or ‘Bug Eyes’ as he calls him.  He comments pejoratively on Alan’s Red, White and Blue Outfit, as according to Detective Dietl, Alan is a  ‘Communistianic’ …

    FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT TO PRESERVE…REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS

     8:08:16 a.m. –    Connell has been reporting on the revelation of what books Osama Bin Laden had in his library.  Apparently, the Kidney Challenged Criminal was quite the avid reader.   Upon viewing the list of tomes that lined the shelves in his compound…one could say that his literary tastes were eclectic, at the very least.  Titles like: “Bloodlines of the Illuminati” and “The Secrets of the Federal Reserve.”, a paranoid, conspiracy theory treatise, authored by a Holocaust denier.  It makes us wonder what OTHER books one might find on the Bin Laden Bookshelves.  “The Little Engine That Could” for inspiration… “50 Shades of Grey”…for torture tips… and “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.”…because, for obvious reasons, he couldn’t go out and see the movie.  We also think Dan Jenkins’ ‘Semi Tough’ would’ve been up there somewhere as well.

     

    BIN LADEN:  NOT JUST A WORM.  A BOOKWORM.

    8:12:24  a.m  –    Also found in the Bin Laden Compound were applications for membership in Al Qaeda, which had a space left blank for the Terrorist Candidates for them to name who should be contacted in case of ‘Martyrdom.’   We don’t know why there was an actual APPLICATION to fill out, other than there might have been an inordinate number of Iraqis seeking the position…as, apparently, the 401 K and the Health Plan were only TWO of the sweet benefits offered, along with two weeks paid vacation and every other Ramadan off.

    ALSO FOUND: OSAMA’S UNFINISHED APPLICATION TO THE OLIVE GARDEN IN QATAR

    8:40:18  a.m. -  Monica Crowley is on, and the I-Man wants to know more about her time with The Late Richard M. Nixon.  (He’s not actually LATE…he’s pretty much going to be a ‘no-show’ at this point)  She says she wrote him a letter about Foreign Policy…which, for her, is tantamount to a Fan Letter written by a smitten teen to Zayn of ‘One Direction’.   The 77 year old Former President invited the 21 year old Conservative Hottie down to visit him in Upper Saddle River New Jersey…we assume for spirited conversation about issues of the day…although, we wouldn’t be surprised if the crazy old bastard wanted to show her his ‘Tricky Dicky’.

    “SO…MISS CROWLEY…HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GROWN PRESIDENT…NAKED.”

    8:43:12  a.m. -  Monica remembers Nixon foreseeing the rise of Islamic Fundamentalism, the emergence of China as a GLOBAL power to rival the United  States…and…Starbucks. 

    “IS SO STRANGE…BUT…LIKE…A HALF HOUR LATER I’M TIRED AGAIN…”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    NOT ONLY DID OSAMA BIN LADEN LIKE TO READ…HE HAD HARRY BELAFONTE ON HIS iPOD

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spT1X7W1B8U&fmt=18

    Wednesday
    May202015

    Larry & Teresa!

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Larry Campbell and Teresa Williams are here this morning!  They’ve been ‘Part of the Imus Family For 30 Years’.  Which is a Euphemism for   ‘Larry knew the Boss ‘Back in the Day’… which is the Euphemism for the time when the I-Man was still ‘Imbibing’…which is the Euphemism for his keeping Russian Potato Farmers in Business.

    “NOW, FOR PAST 28 YEARS, MY FAMILY HAS NO FOOD OR CLOTHING.  WE ARE NAKED, HUNGRY RUSSIAN POTATO FARMERS.”

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Warner is sporting a plaid shirt this morning, which makes him look like K.D. Laing if she were a lumberjack.  Although, K.D. would never BE a lumberjack…she wouldn’t want anything to do with ‘Wood’.

    IF YOU NEED TO CUT DOWN SOME TALL WEEDS…HERE’S YOUR MAN

    6:12:24 a.m. –  A gloating I-Man asks us… “You know what I have that you don’t have?”  Which inspires us to come up with a myriad of answers:  “One working lung?” “A $#itty attitude?”  “Dry pants?”     No, it’s none of those.  It’s a leather shirt.  As if that’s something we actually wish we had.  Unfortunately, we have no current plans to go down to the ‘White Swallow’ for Bette Davis night and Liza Minnelli Karaoke.

    WHAT’S MORE DISTURBING IS WHAT HE’S GOT ON UNDERNEATH THAT LEATHER SHIRT:  A LEATHER T AND LEATHER BOXER BRIEFS

    6:29:22 a.m. –  Larry and Teresa do ‘Surrender to Love’.  Okay, we give ourselves up.  Gladly.  Bring out the white flags.  Sing, you adorable couple, you.  Sing.

    LARRY AND TERESA.  LARRY’S THE ONE WITH THE BEARD.  AND IT’S NOT TERESA. THAT GIRL IS A BABE A RONI.

    6:40:14 a.m. –   Michael Lindell, inventor of the Amazing ‘MyPillow’, is on to share his incredible story, which is a genuine Horatio Alger tale, where a former Crack Addict goes on to become a multi-millionaire entrepreneur, philanthropist, and well-rested individual.  The I-Man asks if, seeing as how Mr. Lindell is a bachelor, he’d consider ‘Taking a run at Lis Wiehl.’   Michael is way too classy to reply that ‘He’s done with crack.’  He tells us that in addition to his new ‘Premium Pillows’ he will be expanding his line to include the most incredibly comfy Egyptian Cotton Sheets.  So you will now be able to wrap the body after you put the pillow over Grandma’s face.

    SHE WOULD’VE WANTED IT THIS WAY…

    7:05:04 a.m. –   The I-Man and Warner discuss a new change in the NFL…Extra Points.  Warner explains it about as clearly as Bud Abbott did the ‘Who’s on First’ routine to Lou Costello.  If we are correct, Warner maintains that Extra Points will now be worth 32…which is 17 more than they currently are.  At least that’s what we THINK he said.  We’d ask him, but we don’t think he’d know either.

    UPON HEARING THE NEWS, TWO BALTIMORE RAVENS BEING DANCING ON THE SIDELINES.  IT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY MORE LIKE ‘THE CAN CAN’ THAN IT ACTUALLY DOES ‘THE DOUGIE’

    7:10:55a.m. –   Imus is working on his bumper sticker for the Hillary Clinton Campaign, or (Grandma and the Big Dog, as he refers to her and Bill)  His jumping off point?  ‘They Whacked Vince, They’ll Kill ISIS’.  It doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue.  He charges us with the task of coming up with something else.  Okay, how about “They Iced Vince, They’ll Ice ISIS.”  Or, “They Minced Vince, They’ll Dice Isis.”  Or, “Hillary Clinton…She Will Drag ISIS’ Ass To Fort Marcy Park.”

     

    A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR POTENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS.  WE’D PUT ANY OF THESE STICKERS ON OUR BUMPERS IN A HEARTBEAT

    7:15:34 a.m. –     Ashley reports on a ring of Geriatric  Jewel Thieves in London.  We’re not sure why they haven’t been caught as of yet…it’s not like they can get far on foot…

    YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY HIDE THE GEMS…

    7:17:38 a.m. – Warner reports on Game One of the Golden State Warriors/Houston Rockets Western Conference Finals, which was covered by Mike Breen, who actually said…ON THE AIR IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN AN INTERNATIONAL AUDIENCE… that what they were all witnessing was “Exquisite Basketball.”   Yes.  Yes he did. 

    “MIKE BREEN…POUNDING AND ASTOUNDING…HUGGIN’ AND TUGGIN’…CIRCLIN’ AROUND THE RIM AND PUTTIN’ IT IN THE HOLE!”

    7:20:42 a.m. - Warner is really confused.  He’s all over the place.  Mispronouncing names, making non-factual attributions…it causes the I-Man to say, “The Radar Signal is getting weak, Warner…”  We’re afraid he’s going to drift off like that Malaysian Airline plane.

    IT’S FADING…FAST

    7:36:18 a.m. –  Larry and Teresa sing ‘You’re Running Wild’  Which doesn’t refer to what one say upon meeting Bear Grylls for the First Time.

    SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM IS READY TO TAKE THAT HAND…

    7:40: 13 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE or, as we like to call it ‘Elder Abuse’ as Deirdre beats on Lis Wiehl like one of those Japanese Taiko Drums.

    リースホイール 

    “Rīsuhoīru”

    (Lis Wiehl)

    ANOTHER ARTISTS’ RENDERING OF WHAT DEIRDRE DID TO LIS THIS MORNING

    7:42:33 a.m. –  The ladies discuss George Stephanopoulos’ duplicitous donations to ‘The Clinton Foundation’, which nearly causes Deirdre’s head to explode.  Then, of course, predictably, the conversation takes a natural turn towards…butt plugs.  Of which, neither of the ladies claim they have any knowledge.  Really.  Who is Lis kidding?  You know she’s got a nightstand full of them of all shapes and sizes, from the tip of a crayon to…lava lamp.

    IMAGINE OUR SURPRISE TO FIND THAT THESE  ALSO COME IN LIKENESSES OF FAMOUS  WORLD FIGURES

      

    THE DUCK DYNASTY FAMILY OF LOUSIANA  MANUFACTURES A SERIES OF…UM…WELL, NOT EXACTLY DUCK CALLS. 

      (NOT THAT YOU’D WANT TO PUT YOUR LIPS ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE)

    8:15:10 a.m. –    We wish ‘Happy Birthday’ to Cher.  She is 69 today.  At least the original equipment is.  She’s sporting some custom work to the chassis.  She was remodeled 5 years ago.

    CHER.  THEN…

    ...CHER NOW

    8:17:24  a.m  –    Ashley Webster has a tan.  Apparently, he was ‘Gardening’.   Which is a British Euphemism for ‘Having Homosexual Relations At The Farmer’s Market.’

    APPARENTLY, WHEN SHOPPING FOR PRODUCE SIZE DOES MATTER.  BUT AT LEAST THESE CUCUMBERS DON’T LOOK LIKE FAMOUS WORLD FIGURES.

    8:25:00 a.m  –   Larry and Teresa close out the program with two kickass numbers:  ‘Did You Love Me At All?’  and ‘Keep Your Lamp Trimmed And Burning’, in which, Teresa ‘Goes to Church’.  Jeezis  can that girl sing.  It’s only 830 in the morning and she’s going all ‘Janis’ on us.  GOOD Gawdawmighty!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Because we know you didn’t get enough of Larry & Teresa

    (They look like they just stepped off a Wedding Cake)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9nORMzFfMA

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGN7Km-hYY0

     And a cover of ‘Long Black Veil’ that Teresa does that blows away the Lefty Frizzel, Johnny Cash AND Springsteen versions:

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq94TzXOjnM

    You Can Order Their Amazing New Album Here:

    http://www.amazon.com/Larry-Campbell-Teresa-Williams/dp/B00WQT3B6S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1432136473&sr=8-1&keywords=LARRY+CAMPBELL

    Tuesday
    May192015

    The Planet is Fine

    6:06:06 a.m. –   The I-Man is still infatuated with those birds he encounters in the park each morning on the way to work.  He wonders if they’re always the same birds…if the ones he hears today are the same ones he heard yesterday.   Because if they are the same, then that’s essentially a ‘Bird Hood’.   And, we might add, obviously all WHITE birds, as they are living on the Upper East Side.  Just another case of Bird Gentrification.  

    ONE OF THE MORE UNFORTUNATE EFFECTS OF ‘BIRD GENTRIFICATION’

    6:12:22 a.m. –  Gunz is back from his vacation in Miami and St. Lucia.  He says that in Miami, he does what people in Miami do.  Which, we assume, since he was in South Beach, means…

    GUNZ.  PART OF THE FLOOR SHOW

    6:12:47 a.m. –  He goes on to say that St. Lucia was ‘A Nightmare’.  One road in and one road out, which causes a considerable amount of traffic.  If he were staying in an actual hotel instead of in a sleeping bag on the side of the road, wouldn’t be that much of a problem.

    DON’T GET EXCITED.  HE’S JUST ASLEEP.

    6:16:11 a.m. –  Ashley Webster reports on Derby and Preakness winning horse, American Pharaoh, who, even if he doesn’t win the Belmont, can make up to 6 Million Dollars a year in Stud Fees.  Too bad humans can’t reap the same kind of fees.  Bill Clinton wouldn’t need ANY donations to his Clinton Foundation.  We just don’t know why horses are never held accountable for ‘Foal Support’. 

    ALL WE CARE IS THAT THE LITTLE BULL BABIES BE RAISED CATHOLIC

    6:25:29  a.m. –    Imus reveals that, upon watching the Mets pull Matt Harvey, who was beating the Cardinals last night, which led to the Birds immediately tying the score,  causing the Mets to play extra innings to take back the win,  made UBER Met Fan, Nat Candido throw his TV remote against the wall, smashing it to pieces.  He will be visiting the Cablevision store later this afternoon, where he will try to tell them he ‘dropped’ it.  

    “WHERE’D YOU DROP IT FROM?  FROM THE OBSERVATION DECK OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?”

    6:40:14 a.m. –   Juan Williams weighs in on George Stephanopoulos “How is he supposed to be an important journalist?”  We didn’t think he was considered that in the first place.

    SOMEHOW, WE CAN’T IMAGINE SEEING WALTER CRONKITE ON A CEREAL BOX.

    6:43:01 a.m. –   Juan and The I-Man talk ‘Sports’…hockey, which, Juan admits, is not his thing, especially after his hometown team, The Washington Capitols, got knocked out by the I-Man’s team, the New York Rangers.  He IS, however, hyped up about the Washington Nationals’ Star Outfielder, Bryce Harper…Imus submits Mike Trout to be added to the list of promising up and comers.  “They have a lot of future in front of them,” Juan offers… “Where else would their future be?” demands the I-Man.    Juan responds “Well, if they walk out and get hit by a bus, then their future will be behind them.”

    POOR BRYCE.  THERE GOES HIS FUTURE

    7:10:55a.m. –   Ashley Webster reports that the most dangerous jobs to have, aren’t what you think they might be…Fireman or Policeman.  Turns out Fisherman and Garbage Man are the most hazardous.  We would’ve thought ‘I-Man’s Personal Assistant’ would be the one that would require procuring a hefty life insurance policy.

    MEGHAN HURLBUT MOONLIGHTING  A POSITION LESS STRESSFUL AND ANXIETY WROUGHT MEETINGS

    7:40:18 a.m. –   PSYCHOS  this week, featuring Lou Rufino, Deirdre Imus, Bo Dietl and Bernard McGuirk.  The segment starts off with Deirdre taking exception with Al Sharpton’s daughter, Dominique, suing the city for 5 Million Dollars because she sprained her ankle.  Deirdre fails to look on the bright side of the story…at least Ms. Sharpton won’t be marching in protest. 

    THE CANE PRECLUDES THE RULES OF THE EVENT

    7:40:18 a.m. –   Lou is upset with Cable , which he claims, sucks, because he too threw his remote when all the sports he was watching were screwed up by a lack of serice.  He says “You’re paying over 200 bucks a month…when it used to be free!”  Yes, back in his day, TV sets weren’t even in color.  And you had to walk three miles uphill in the snow each way to place the antenna on the roof of the cathedral.  Lou also has a problem with the concept of ‘Recycling’.  He thinks it’s pointless.  Separating plastics does nothing…we’re not saving the planet…the planet is going to be here.   Apparently, Lou has no problem with recycling…old George Carlin routines.

    YOU GOTTA FIND A PLACE FOR  YOUR STUFF

    7:40:18 a.m. – Bo Dietl hate a tates, rats.  Don’t we all?  What?  Oh, he means ‘snitches’.  Guys like Joradan Belfour and Sammy ‘The Bull’ Gravano, who sell out their associatest to save their own asses.  We thought cops…LOVED Snitches? 

    “BO?  I’LL FLIP ON BO.  NO PROBLEM.”

    7:40:18 a.m. – Bernard hates the historical revisionists and liars regarding the Iraq War, referring to the candidates currently running for president, who are giving cover to the ‘Nation Builders’ who wanted to go over there on false pretense.  Wha hoppen?  Did Conan O’Brien just do a ‘joke’ from his monologue right there?

    CONAN MCGUIRK AND BERNARD O’BRIEN

    8:15:10 a.m. –    Connell plays a clip of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, “The last person we want to hear from is ‘Moose-Ass’. ”  We spell ‘Moose-Ass’ with a hyphen, while it could very easily be a compound word.  All we know is ‘Drugstore’ is a compound word.  It doesn’t have a hyphen…which means it also doesn’t have a period…which means it’s pregnant.  (Punctuation Porn)

    IT’S ALWAYS ‘GRAZING SEASON’ IN NEW JERSEY FOR BULLWINKLE CHRISTIE

    8:40:18  a.m. -  Bernie Goldberg is on to discuss George Stephanopoulos.   He says that what George did was wrong.     He says people donate money so as to gain access.  Thank you for that insightful analysis, Bernie.  You really know how to crystallize the zeitgeist. 

    HE ARE SMART REAL GOOD

      

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    The Master,

    George Carlin

    “The Planet is FINE.”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfJhPbFW6qk

    Monday
    May182015

    Delbert is Here!

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Delbert McClinton is here!  And, as always, whenever he’s here, the I-Man is in particularly good humor…it’s like adding cheese to something…it just makes the day that much better.

     

    6:12:22 a.m. –  World Champion Calf Roper, Cody Ohl,  held his annual bucking bull, Steak Cookoff PBR Chute Out Benefit…and, somehow, wound up getting gored in the head.  The resulting injury looks suspiciously like the University of Texas Longhorns Logo.  It appears that the bull…branded HIM.

    WE NEVER KNEW CODY WAS THAT BIG A UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS FAN

    6:23:46  a.m. –  Ashley Webster reports that Taco Bell has applied for the license to sell booze.  Which, to us, seems a little like overkill…considering 99% of the people in the Drive Thru line are already drunk. 

    “HEY!  HEYYYYYYY….YOU FORGOT TO GIVE ME A SHTRAW FOR MUH…MY MARGARITA,,,”

    6:28:14 a.m. – High School Pole Vaulter, Charlotte Brown finished third at the Texas State High School championships…despite the fact that she’s blind.  She was awarded the bronze medal.  Of course, her seeing eye dog didn’t get anything.  Which really wasn’t fair because he was just as responsible for her success as she was.

    IT WAS A LOT SCARIER FOR THE DOG THAN IT WAS FOR HER

    6:35:14 a.m. – Delbert sings the first song of the morning, ‘Can You Squeeze Me In?’   which features Kevin McKendree , and his son, Yates,(THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SON, BTW, HOLY $#!%) who play the ‘Three Handed Piano’.  Which isn’t all that impressive, if you ask us.  Get ONE guy to play ‘Three Handed Piano’ and then you’re talkin’.

    AND WE CAN’T GET OUR SONS TO JUST TAKE OUT THE F@#$ing  GARBAGE

    6:41: 33 a.m. – Bo Dietl is…FIRED UP this morning about the treatment of Veterans, and the travestizationatation situation therein.   He asks the Rhetorical Question:  “Why can’t we help our Veterans with their health care?  They should just get a card and go anywhere…because 22 veterans currently, take their own lives every day.   As crazy as he sounds…we can’t argue. Because he’s right.   He then pivots to the Swerviling Creep, George Stephanopoulos…Sweverling?  SWERVILING?   Yes.  That’s when  ‘Sniveling’ person changes their position on an issue…while driving.  Causing them to avoid hitting objects in the road. 

    GEORGE AND ‘SKIPPY’, HIS GERBIL.  SWERVILING

    7:05:04 a.m. –  The I-Man talks about Jim Nance’s self-serving promo for David Letterman’s last show. He mentions how many times he’s read a promo for The Late Show, and then thanks Dave for everything he’s done for the network.   Gee, Jim.  Maybe you could’ve said something about how Dave changed the genre of late night interview shows, paving the ways for Conan, Fallon and Kimmel.  We don’t know why Nance was never on the show to do a ‘Stupid Sportscaster Trick’.

    JIM’S UNIQUE TALENT?  MAKING HIMSELF UP IN LIKENESSES OF FAMOUS RUNNING BACKS.   WE DON’T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT!

    7:15:34 a.m. –    The I-man promotes the fact that TV watchers can download the iHeart Radio App so they can listen to the program, regardless of whether or not they have a radio affiliate in their area.   So get your iHeart on.  (See what we did there?)

    AN ‘I-HEART’ ‘I-FAN’

    7:32:09 a.m. –    Delbert and the boys do ‘Everything Will Be Rosy’, a song that he’s recorded but hasn’t released yet, and promises to send the I-Man a copy as long as he doesn’t play it on the air…a promise to which, he realizes,  he will never get the I-Man to agree.  “Go ahead and do what you’re going to do…”   Smart move, Delbert.

    A FEW PANELS FROM THE POPULAR ‘DELBERT’ COMIC STRIP

    7:40:18 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS or, as we like to call it, ‘What the Hell is Warner Talking About?’  The Gentlemen discuss the NY Rangers, the L.A. Clipper Collapse…and whether the I-Man has ever been to the Belmont Stakes.  He claims that, back in the day, he was on so many diet pills, he weighed 105 pounds.  HE could’ve been a jockey.

    THE I-MAN RIDING ‘GOD’S OTHER SON’ IN THE 5TH AT BELMONT.   HE LOST.  THE HORSE JOCKEY THEN BECAME A DISC JOCKEY, AND THE HORSE BECAME…GLUE

    8:05:10 a.m. –    The Epic failure of the Los Angeles Clippers and their owner, Steve Balmer…leads the I-Man to ‘Wax Philosophical’, about God.  Some people believe in Him, some don’t.   “For that guy to have that much money is proof that there is no God”.   And, for that matter, the Existence of the Im-In-Cu-Bus itelf.

    WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

    8:15:10 a.m. –   Connell reads a story about the possibility of somebody throwing rocks at the train.  The I-Man says that, when he was a Brakeman for the Southern Pacific railroad, they used to throw rocks at the trains HE was on.  “Are you sure they were throwing them at ‘the Train’, Imus? 

    “FIVE BUCKS IF YOU HIT THE SKINNY DUDE IN THE COWBOY HAT!”

    8:40:18  a.m. – Delbert and the boys are back, and he turns the microphone over to Kevin and Yates, who do an instrumental they wrote called ‘Midnight Creep’.  The Boss wonders where they got the album title from.  They say that it was dark when they  first showed up and he was already there and scared them.

    IT’S DARK ENOUGH TO BE MIDNIGHT…AND KEVIN AND YATES APPEAR TO HAVE A CREEP STALKING THEM.

    8:43:33  a.m. -  Delbert sings ‘Two More Bottles of Wine’. Which, at one time, used to be the I-man’s Anthem…and, Breakfast order, interestingly enough.

    MERLOT.  MAKE IT PART OF YOUR NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST…

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Yates and Kevin McKendree

    “MIDNIGHT CREEP”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgjHcssHqck

    AND A BONUS…

    ‘BOOGIE WOOGIE #1’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umL_VFD-aqg

    Friday
    May152015

    The Great B.B. King

    6:06:06 a.m. –   The Thrill is Gone…truly…the Great B.B. King has passed at the age of 89.   He used to sing ‘Nobody Loves Me But My Mother.’   Nothing could be further from the truth.  Lucille is now...as George Harrison would say, ‘Gently Weeping.’…she is now, officially a widow. 

    B.B. AND THE LADY LOVE OF HIS LIFE, LUCILLE

    NOW HEAVEN HAS ITS’ BLUESMAN

    6:08: 24 a.m. –  The I-Man receives an hysterical text from Dwight Yoakum, direct from his First Class Seat on the Red Eye to Texas, apoplectic because he thinks Imus has been fired from Fox.  You’d think he’d be more upset about B.B. .   King, that is.  Although Mr. Confused, Dwight, thinks that it’s the Prime Minister of Israel who has died.

    BIBI…WE HARDLY KNEW YE

    6:12:22 a.m. –  The I-Man warns the people of Texas the way Darth Vader warned the citizens of Alderan just before the Death Star destroyed the planet. “We are going out of our way to whup your no - roping ass”.

    “WYATT…I AM YOUR FATHER…JOIN ME ON THE DARKSIDE”

    6:15:32 a.m. –   Wyatt observed his Father during his workout session with his trainer so that he can assume that responsibility once the Imus Family moves to Texas.  The trainer asks the I-Man “What are your goals?”  Wyatt, from the blue line, with the spontaneous answer: “Trying to keep from tipping over.”

    “EIGHT…NINE….TEN…C’MON!  PUSH!  THOSE ARE ONLY 2 POUND WEIGHTS, YOU PUSSY!”

    6:19:32 a.m. – Imus says that, while flipping through the channels, he stumbled upon one of the ‘Fast and Furious’ movies, and… “I got sucked in.”  Hmmm.  We’d call that the ‘Slow and Curious’.

    DRIVE LIKE THE COPS ARE…WATCHING YOU

    6:40:14 a.m. –   Martha MacCallum is on with some perspective on the George Stephanopoulos Controversy.  “They think they’re all doing something for a higher purpose.”  Which is a measured, sane, rational, intelligent response, as opposed to Imus’ earlier angry, insane, crazy, over the top rant .   How unusual.

    TWO DIFFERENT WAYS TO APPROACH THE SAME TOPIC:

    MARTHA

     IMUS

    7:05:04 a.m. –   We begin to gain some solace in light of the loss of B.B. King, which comes from finding  ourselves grateful for him.  Not for the many happy hours we’ve spent listening to his genius…but because his death has prevented Imus from playing any Lucinda Williams this morning…which would only make us want to die ourselves.

    THANK YOU, B.B.

    7:19:55a.m. –   The I-Man cuts Dagen’s Business Report short, as she attempts to warn everyone about the ingesting of Detergent Pods.   He goes to Warner, only to hear Dagen screeching in the background:  “Children are dying!  Old people are dying!”   The latter statement, doesn’t sit all that well with Warner.  He doesn’t know what she’s talking about.  He’s looking forward to his Tunafish Sandwich at Lunchtime…because he also packed his sack with one of those blue candies he found in the Ziploc in the Laundry Room.

    “THEY DON’T TASTE ALL THAT SWEET, BUT MY MOUTH FEELS REMARKABLY CLEAN AND FRESH!”

    7:39:02 a.m. -   HOLLYWOOD & VINE, or, as Imogen Lloyd Webber likes to call it “Oh, Shut Up, Riedel!”   The panel of Imogen, Michael Riedel, Deirdre Imus and…this week, making a repeat performance this week, Senator Lindsey Graham.  It begins with Imogen’s excitement at the idea of the Muppets returning to TV this fall.   Deirdre says she’s never seen The Muppets, ironic, in that she’s married to one.   One of those guys up in the balcony.

    HE CERTAINLY HAS THE I-MAN’S POSITIVE ATTITUDE…

    Riedel goes on a tear on the Stephanopoulis situation.  We’re not sure how that factors into the theme of ‘Hollywood & Vine’, but…we assume the phrase the I-Man used earlier, “He stepped on his Weiner…he should just own up…”   was the instigating incident for Riedel’s tirade.  We also assume that Stephanopoulis steps on his weiner quite often, as, being a diminutive man, it’s closer to both the ground and his feet.

    THE GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS BOBBLEHEAD

    Deirdre takes exception to the Australian government threatening to euthanize actor Johnny Depp’s little dogs after the star brought them into the country without filing the necessary forms. Hey Australia.  Chill. Don’t you bastards have bigger problems like finding the Dingo that ate the lady’s baby? Why don’t you bitches worry about getting Crocodile Dundee another job and leave Johnny alone?

    I WANT A LAWYER.  I’M NOT GOING DOWN FOR THIS ONE. I’M SERIOUS.  NO WAY I’M GONNA BE ‘DEAD DOG WALKING’

    Senator Graham bemoans next year’s final season of ‘American Idol.’   He will miss all those magic moments he’s enjoyed over the years, William Hung singing ‘She Bangs’ like a little slow boy at the Christmas Pageant, Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest, each intimating that the other was gay, and Paula Abdul’s bizarre, pill-addled behavior.  You know what Paula got on her IQ test?  Drool. 

    PAULA?  DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME COFFEE?  YOU LOOK A LITTLE DISHEVELED, BLESS YOUR HEART.

    8:08:16a.m. –    We’re still chewing on something the I-Man mentioned a few moments ago to Dr. Bill Evans…that he should  “Take a run…” at Imogen Lloyd Webber, who is smart, funny and beautiful.  We don’t think that they are all that compatible, as…Imogen is British and prefers beaus who can actually speak the English Language.  She’s not impressed with the Good Doctor’s degree in Metehgbnvcretylzhgbrulghy.   One thing is certain, ‘Parking’ wouldn’t be a problem as it has been for Dr. Bill in the past.  Imogen would be so used to driving on the other side of the road she’d put the car on the opposite side of the driveway.  Leaving plenty of room for Bill’s Subaru.

    WE’RE SURE YOU MEANT WELL BY DRESSING AS A SCOTTSMAN, BUT IMOGEN DOESN’T HAIL FROM THAT PART OF THE U.K.  SHE NOW JUST THINKS YOU’RE SOME CRAZY DUDE IN A PLAID DRESS.     

    8:38:18  a.m. -  VINNIE FROM QUEENS, featuring Nat Candido, Warner Wolf, Connell McShane, Lou Rufino and Tony Powell…and it’s one of the best editions of this particular segment in its’ history on the program. It could be because Gunz is absent…he’s at Broadway Show Tune Camp this weekend.     

    GUNZELMAN GOT RAVES FOR HIS PERFORMANCE  AS ‘TINKERBELL’ IN THE CAMP’S PRODUCTION OF ‘PETER PAN’

    AND THEN, AFTERWARDS AT THE CAST PARTY  GUNZ  GOT TO MEET HIS IDOL, VISITING VOCAL TEACHER, MS. MINELLI, WHO, IMMEDIATELY AFTER TAKING THIS PHOTOGRAPH, CALLED HER LAWYER AND GOT AN IMMEDIATE ORDER OF PROTECTION

    8:40:27 a.m. -  The boys discuss Tom Brady’s penance, and whether or not NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell should be the arbitrator for the case, seeing as he was the one who levied the punishment in the first place.  That would be like Kim Jong Un intervening with himself after sentencing one of his ministers to ‘Death by Wild Boar Consumption’, and reducing it to being merely ‘Torn apart by Rabid Dogs.’ 

    LeROY NEIMAN’S ‘TOM BRADY BEING TORN APART BY A RABID DOG

    8:43:27 a.m. -  Somehow, George Stephanopoulos makes it into the ‘Who’s the Bigger Douche’ portion of the segment for his inability to reveal his donation to the Clinton Foundation, along with Wizards’ Forward Paul Pierce for ‘prematurely’ celebrating what he thought was a winning shot in the Playoff game against the Atlanta.  Why is George Stephanopoulis in a sports segment?  Because he was an All-American Midget Wrestler for Columbia University. 

     GEORGE ON THE RED CARPET AT THE ALMWF AWARDS

    (ADORABLE LITTLE MIDGET WRESTLING FOUNDATION)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    One Hour, Twenty Minutes, and Eleven Seconds of Pure Musical Genius From

    God’s Favorite Blues Man

    The Late, Great,

    RILEY B. KING

    (They called him B. B. )

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5_j91FjsXM