6:05:00 A.M. – Another ‘Imus-Free’ Friday, and Bernie is at the helm, steering the ship, and, we hope, avoiding the icebergs. Lou stands on the bow, arms stretched wide, screaming “I’m king of the world!” We check to make sure there are enough lifejackets.
LOU: HIS HEART…WILL GO ON.
6:35:44 A.M. – A Conan O’Brien clip is played, where the Hilarious Host says a ‘Word Association Poll’ reveals that when asked about Donald Trump, answers included ‘Idiot’, ‘Jerk’, ‘Stupid’, ‘Dumb’. Are we sure that they were asking about Trump? Because we know somebody for whom those very words would most certainly apply.
A LESSER-KNOWN EINSTEIN THEORY
6:40:27 A.M. – United States Medal of Honor Recipient, Colonel Jack Jacobs, is on, after a far too long absence. He speaks about fighting ISIS in Syria. His position is, “Politicians need to stop talking if we’re not doing anything.” Basically, “Shut the F@#$ up.” He feels it’s pointless to attempt to fight in a war that has lasted 1300 years. You’d think there’d have been at least some movement in the past five to six hundred.
THE MIDDLE EAST. THEN…
THE MIDDLE EAST…NOW. THE MORE THINGS CHANGE,
THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
7:05:37 A.M. – Bernard attempts to solve the problem of Gun Violence with the help of Tony and Warner. As they are unable to come up with an answer in the ten minutes they spend in the challenge, so they move on to the Iranian Arms deal. Again, no luck with a solution. Perhaps Curtis Sliwa will have better luck on his program.
TOGETHER, THEY WILL MAKE THIS A BETTER WORLD.
7:22:44 A.M. – Warner, reporting on last night’s Raiders/Steelers game…mispronounces all pro Steeler running back Leveon Bell. Referring to him as ‘Levon’. Um…the correct pronunciation rhymes with ‘Evian’, Warner. Leveon doesn’t even PLAY the drums. And Levon…we believe, did not play football.
TAKE A LOAD OFF LEVEON…
“HANG ON, FELLAS, I THINK I LEFT MY MANDOLIN IN THE HUDDLE…”
7:40:06 A.M. – Dr. Bill Evans is on…because he’s a meteorologist, and because there’s a Hurricane…which is like Christmas for a Weatherman. He’s a Renaissance Man, a scientist, an avid sailor…AND…a novelist! He says he’s currently working on a new book, that he describes as “A James Bond” style thriller…about a Weatherman who works for the C.I.A. We have an idea for a working title: ‘ColdFrontFinger’.
WE THINK WE’LL WAIT FOR THE MOVIE
7:44:16 A.M. – The Good Doctor, now without anything to say as Hurricane Joaquin has been downgraded…weighs in on Climate. He believes, as the Late Great George Carlin did, that “The Earth is fine.” He is among the 3 percent of Scientists who don’t believe that Global Warming exists. Which makes us wish we had a License to Kill…him.
DR. BILL THINKS WE JUST NEED TO GIVE THE WORLD AN ALEVE
8:15:11 A.M. – Warner reports on the New York Jets’ trip to England to play the Miami Dolphins. He lists a few of the things the team brought with them to the U.K. “250 rolls of toilet paper and 200 boxes of snakes…” He means ‘Snacks’. We think. We HOPE.
WE PREFER THESE OVER THE ‘COOL SLUGS DORITOS’
8:39:43 A.M. – Mike Emanuel, Fox News’ Congressional Reporter, phones in and Bernie asks if he was in the House Chamber when the Pope spoke. He was not…he was outside, marveling at the people who gathered to catch a glimpse. He DID say, however, that he was very aware that both Joe Biden and John Boehner needed hankies. Right. Because they’re pussies.
OH…SUCK IT UP.
8:45:09 A.M. – Mr. Emanuel also comments on what he calls the ‘Republican Civil War’. That seems a little dramatic to us…
YANKEE CONGRESSMAN, GENERAL PETER KING EXCHANGES PLEASANTRIES WITH REBEL CONGRESSMAN, GENERAL TREY GOWDY:
“YOU, SUH…ARE A DICK HEAD.”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WE THINK WE KNOW WHERE THE JETS GOT THE IDEA TO BRING THE BOXES OF SNAKES TO BRITAIN:
SAMUEL L. JACKSON HAS THE FINAL WORD ON THE SITUATION: