6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man’s Fox Hair Stylist, Teresa, is going to see ‘Book of Mormon’ tonight. She is a sweet, kind, beautiful, softspoken, lovely Christian woman. We assume she thinks it’s a play about Brigham Young. Boy, is she in for a surprise.
UM…THE BOOK IS JUST A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT THAN THE MUSICAL
6:17:14 a.m. – The I-Man reads a spot for a long time sponsor, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. This year, they are offering…something new….Er…something a little…different. Something you might say is a little ‘Outside The Box’. It’s the ’50 Shades of Grey’ Bear. Of the book and movie of the same name. Comes with a set of miniature handcuffs, and a Lone Ranger mask. What’s next? ‘The Rusty Trombone’ bear?
THEIR SAFE WORD IS… ‘STUFFING’
6:22:08 a.m. – We realize that this “50 Shades” Bear is going to be a recurring theme on today’s program. Which makes us wonder if there could be sequels to the film. This time, starring the bear.
6:41:08 a.m. – Our favorite Secret Agent, Mike Baker is on to discuss the hostage situation and ISIS. Baker’s not in studio this morning, which suggests that he has more information than most, as he has ‘Eyes On’ the detainees from his clandestine location. Imus interrupts Baker’s Rescue Mission to ask him if he’s heard about the 50 Shades Vermont Teddy Bear. Baker says that for years his cover was as a spokeman for the Vermont Teddy Bear company. “You’re joking.” The I-Man says. “…sure.” Answers Double O Dreamy. (Dagen’s code name for him. She says he has a license to kill…her.) And not in the ‘Ending the Life Way’. Hashtag : Le Petit Morte. Or as the French call it, “Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu! Jes Suis Venue!”
“WHAT WAS THAT NOISE, YOU ASK? OH, NOTHING, I-MAN…I THINK A CAR MUST’VE BACKFIRED OUTSIDE. NO, EVERYTHING HERE IS FINE.”
7:05:10 a.m. – While the Boss is on the air reading a spot, Connell hands him the script that Rob gave to Nat and Nat gave to Connell. When the I-Man chastises Nat for the infraction…Nat throws Connell under the bus. “You can’t be doin’ that, Bro!” Nat from downtown.
“YO, BACK IT UP, OKAY, BRO?”
7:16:32 a.m. – Connell reports that on the upcoming trial of former Patriots’ Tight End, Aaron Hernandez. Tight end? He’s been indicted for murder, and so he’s been in jail for a couple of years. We’re not sure how ‘Tight’ his end is these days. The I-Man remarks that Hernandez has a great smile and looks like a nice guy. Yeah. And John Wayne Gacy loved kids.
7:40:32 a.m. – THE MENSA MEETING or, as we like to call it, “Three People Screaming at Alan Colmes.” They discuss Super Bowl snacks, Islamic Terrorism, and Vermont Teddy Bears. The takeaway? Deirdre is making organic wheat grass pate’, faux nachos and No Chicken Chicken Wings. Mmmmmm. Somebody call Dominos.
VEGAN NACHOS BIG HAIRY BEEF AND CHEESE NACHOS
ONE WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE…THE OTHER ONE MAKES IT WORTH LIVING.
‘WE REPORT, YOU DECIDE.’
7:42:55 a.m. – On the subject of the ’50 Shades of Grey’ Bear, the Boss suggests that Gunz buy a few and give them to the ladies he knows, and see what happens. Gunz doesn’t really have anyone at the moment, and a ’50 Shades of Grey’ Bear would only confuse him, as it would be too difficult for him to tie himself up and beat his own ass. Not that Gunz hasn’t been handcuffed to a bed before…in fact, the Fire Department no longer answers his emergency calls.
“BPHMGRPH MPHGRBPH GRMPHTH!”
REALLY? THAT’S THE MOST INTELLIGENT THING YOU’VE EVER SAID, GUNZ
8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Ashley what his wife would say if he sent her a ‘50 Shades of Grey’ Vermont Teddy Bear. Mr. Webster answers that his bride, Fiona would say : “Thanks. When are you coming home?” We get the impression that this won’t be the first time Mrs. Webster’s been tied up…in fact, their first date, she woke up in the trunk of his car on the way to the lake.
“I TRUST THOSE ROPES AREN’T TOO TIGHT, LOVE. PLEASE GRUNT IF THEY ARE.”
8:36:44 a.m. – I-Fave Bill O’Reilly is the guest. First question from the I-Man is. “How did you come up with naming your show ‘The Factor’.” O’Reilly says that it had never been used before, and when he’s on there, “I’m a factor in how things are put forth.” Which is somewhat scary, when you consider he writes books about ‘Killing’ people. Lincoln, Jesus, Kennedy, and now Patton. Bill suggests in his latest book that General George S. Patton was murdered. Conversely, Actor George C. Scott, who won an Academy Award for PLAYING General George S. Patton, died of an aortic aneurysm. Where’s the book for that one, Bill?
IF HE WRITES A BOOK ABOUT YOU…DON’T BUY ANY GREEN BANANAS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
ANOTHER TEDDY BEAR THAT WAS NOT EXACTLY ‘FAO SCHWARTZ WORTHY’