6:05:10 a.m. – The Holiday Spirit is in Full Effect here at the Fox Business Studios, and even the I-Man is not immune. He begins the program with a rhetorical question: “What do you think the girl from the escort service thinks when Bob Beckel opens the door? Um…maybe ‘I should have gone to college’?
“IS THIS 4B? OH…4D! I’M SORRY, I’M IN THE WRONG APARTMENT…I’M IN THE WRONG BUILDING…I’M IN THE WRONG CITY…”
6:07:14 a.m. – Amazon now officially offers ONE HOUR delivery in Manhattan for 7.99. Which STILL won’t be fast enough for the I-Man. When you reach his age, every second counts.
THE I-MAN WILL BE ON HIS TERRACE WITH A RIFLE.
THIS PUPPY WILL BE GOING DOWN
6:38:08 a.m. – Gordon Chang is on to discuss the North Korean hack of Sony, with the intention of scaring the living $#it out of us. He tells us that the Chinese have the capability of shutting down our infrastructure, our power grid, and Amazon’s One Hour Delivery. He informs the I-Man that they have initiated an incineration threat against 13 Major U.S. Cities. The I-Man is taken aback by this information, and then asks the question we all have in our minds: “What about Brenham, Texas?” Chang says “Brenham is not on the list.” Yet.
BRENHAM, TEXAS: THE THING ABOUT CHINESE INCINERATION IS, A HALF HOUR LATER, AND YOU’LL WANT TO BE INCINERATED AGAIN
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man accuses Connell of “Lying” about the story that suggested Bill Clinton appeared on the last episode of the Colbert Report. In truthiness, he only tweeted at Stephen. Liar though he may be otherwise, Connell had nothing to do with this piece of misinformation. Turns out the reporter from ABC was the one who was incorrect. We guess ABC must use the same Fact Checkers as Rolling Stone.
“HI, STEPHEN. CONGRATULATIONS! I’M NOT ACTUALLY HERE RIGHT NOW, I’M A HALLUCINATION AN ABC REPORTER IS EXPERIENCING AFTER TAKING SOME BAD PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOMS. BUT I’D STILL LIKE TO SHOW MY PENIS TO THAT HOT BLONDE IN THE FRONT ROW”
7:32:10 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS – The Panel discusses whether Johnny Football or Jay Cutler sucks more, who’s to blame for the Knicks sucking…Phil Jackson, Carmelo Anthony, or the coach, Derek Fisher, and how Gunz is NEVER going to get laid.
THAT’S ABOUT AS CLOSE AS GUNZ IS GOING TO GET TO ONE
8:06:32 a.m. – Ed Henry phones in about President Obama calling out North Korea. Well, he’s not going to call them out by NAME, or anything.
ED AND HIS BFF KIM
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man opines that he loves Josh Earnest. “Is he bangable, Dagen?” She says “As a general rule, Mouthpieces and PR Flacks are not Bangable.” “No, I meant for me…”
8:15:30 a.m. – A new security system for the White House is the result of a study done by the Secret Service. It only took 3 Months, 45.2 Million Dollars and Julia Pearson’s Brother in Law…who works as a Fencing Contractor.
THE NEW SECURITY MEASURE AT THE WHITE HOUSE
8:38:14 a.m. – The I-Man and Neil Cavuto have a very warm, cordial, quiet visit together on the air…okay, we can’t tell a lie, because it’s Christmas. Cavuto opens the segment with… “Good Morning Cadaver”. Hurtful words from Mr. Cavuto levied against the I-Man during this festive Holiday Season. He would be in danger of getting coal in his stocking…but Santa would be afraid that Neil would eat it. Which is also the reason why the Maintenance department no longer puts the urinal cakes in the Men’s bathrooms at Fox. Neil also says that Imus was around “When Millard Fillmore was President.” What he neglects to mention is that The Boss had Fillmore on his ‘Telegraph Program’, and was the one who dragged that “White haired fat bastard over the finish line.” Prior to appearing with the I-Man, Fillmore didn’t have a chance! Take that, Neil!
ACTUALLY, WE’D PREFER TO FIND A LUMP OF COAL
“DOT DOT DOT…DASH DOT DASH…DASH DASH DOT DOT DOT DASH DOT DASH DOT DASH DOT DASH…DOT DASH…DASH DASH DASH…DOT DOT DASH DASH.”
(EVERYBODY SAY BAYYYYYYBEEEEE! MILLARD FILLMORE IS MY GUEST…)
ON THE TWELFTH VIDEO OF THE DAY OF CHRISTMAS
Your True Loves Gave To Thee
And One of the GREATEST Christmas Songs EVER!
A David Letterman Show Tradition
That is Currently In It’s 28th Year!
The First One: